Her Mom wants to talk to me

[drum4god]

I am on day 62 of NC, and getting stronger everyday. I won't get in to details of my story. I have typed it many times here. In a nutshell, my ex of a year, broke up with me the day after Christmas. This was the 2nd time she broke up with me. She broke up with me before and came back 9 weeks after NC.

 

Anyway, we both attend the same church, and we are both not leaving. It makes NC kind of hard, but thank God I have been strong, and keep NC for the most part. I only spoke to her briefly at a party over a month ago, so I am not counting that.

 

Yesterday there was a women's conference in my church. My Mom attended, and 5 mins after my Mom sat down. My ex, and her Mom sat right in front of my Mom. My Mom said, my ex was nice, but didn't ask about me. She asked about my Grandmother (We were trying to find my Grandmother a place to live). During the interemisson, my ex went to the restroom, and my ex's Mom spoke to my Mom. She told my Mom, she (my ex's Mom, not my ex) misses me so much, and told my Mom that I was a great man. She also was asked a few questions about me. She told my Mom, she really wants to talk to me, so my Mom gave her my number.

 

I know better not to get my hopes up. Her mom really loved me, and probably wants to see how I'm doing, but I also know, this could be my ex's way of getting info.

 

I just want to be strong when she calls. I know I am going to be tempted to ask about Jessica, but I really don't want to go there. I don't know what she is going to say, but probably something to the effect (my daughter is an idiot for dumping you), but that doens't mean anything.

 

Its strange, but in my experiences and with many of my friends, the more the parents of your mate like you the less chances are you mate feels the same way. I am not making a general statement, but its seems to be that way with me.

 

Anyway, any wisdom on how I should deal with the phone call, if she does indeed call. I am not waiting by the phone, but if she calls I want to be strong.

 

Thx.

[disgruntledbaker]

my ex's mom works for my father, and i see her several times a week. like your situation, her mom loves me and misses me. i've gone to her mom a lot to vent and now i sort of regret it. i can't be sure, but i suspect that at least some of my "venting" has gotten back to my ex despite assurances that everything would be kept in the strictest confidence.

 

i can also see that over time my ex's mom's behavior towards me has changed and grown a little cold. that hurts almost as much as when my ex shut me out! i mean i started considering this woman to be family to me...

 

anyway, my only real advice is to keep everything you're feeling about your ex to yourself. whether you expect it to or not, and whether you trust her mom or not, what you say can easily change the dynamics of that relationship.

 

as for this being your ex's way of getting info on you... i dunno, that sounds a little questionable and shady if it were true. i'd say don't hold your hopes out for this being your ex trying to get "back in."

[anggrace]

Hmmm, I wonder why she wants to talk to you. I guess it wouldn't hurt, no matter what the reason. I know my mom liked a couple of my ex's and is often curious as to how there doing. But I really don't think she would go so far as to call them. Thats a bit much in my opinion.

It sounds like youve been doing pretty good and staying strong. I would think that if you are just honest and be yourself, you will be fine in the conversation. I would try not to stress it too much so that you aren't anxious when she does call.

[Northalius]

If you truly feel within yourself that you're strong enough, then pick up the phone; if not, then stay NC, even with the mother. Anything to do with your ex, should be left alone until you know you're strong enough, grounded enough, within yourself to deal with it head on, and then move on the next minute.

 

If you are going to pick up the phone, all I could think of, is to write your personal affirmations on paper, read it your yourself once or twice a day until she calls; while on the phone, keep that paper in your hands, and glance at it while talking.

 

Maybe write "Do not ask about her daughter! Do not ask about her daughter! Keep it simple and impersonal. Keep it friendly!" etc. etc. Or whatever you want to write yourself.

 

Over and over.

 

It's all I could think of when you said she'd probably call you, but you didn't want her gathering information on you for her daughter.

[Hope75]

I think if it were me I'd probably tell her mom if she should call that you are flattered that she liked you so much and wanted to call, but that you are uncomfortable talking to her now that things are over between you and Jessica. It puts you (and Jessica) in an awkward position for you to still be talking to her mom and just like Jessica, her mom needs to accept that the relationship is over and you both need to move on.

[Zaphod]

I know better not to get my hopes up. Her mom really loved me, and probably wants to see how I'm doing, but I also know, this could be my ex's way of getting info.

 

You could always give the appearance of giving info, without really giving any info at all.

Look at politicians .

[Dako]

I'd be wary of this becoming a team effort.

 

If she calls, I wouldn't report the outcome to anyone, just to avoid complications.

It should be a private matter between two.

[blender]

I think "hope75" is giving you some great advice, it's mature, honest, sincere, and it's time for you to heal and move on.. and who knows her mom may never even make that call, sure it's "nice" that she thinks so highly of you, but as "hope75" said, her calling and talking to you, puts you all in an awkward position. So "IF" she does call, keep it lite, polite, and short.. and if what "hope75" advised feels "right" for YOU, I think it's a lovely, mature, classy way to handle it... Also, it might have a 'turn off" or "anger" effect on your ex to think that you are talking to her mom... or it's just a way of alleviating her "curiosity" as to how you are feeling yet she has no "emotional responsiblity" in finding out for "herself"... so either way, do what is best for YOU... with grace, class and self confidence.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I dunno, sometimes Moms can be really interfering... what if it's her Mom that wants you back together, but your ex doesn't really? then you get your hopes up and for nothing....

 

You can listen to her to be polite, but if she suggests or 'interprets' any of your exes feelings, thank her politely, but tell her that she should tell you ex to call you herself if she has something to say... best off (and true) from the horse's mouth so to speak, rather than well meaning and potentially meddlesome intermediaries...

[drum4god]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I will certain take them to heart. If she calls I will be myself. I am usually funny, happy, and warm, and that won't change. I will just be cordial, and if I do ask about Jessica it will be in a general sense. I won't ask any other questions. I will also be sure not to give her any indication that I want her back, because in all honesty I really don't know if I do. The truth is, I am doing pretty good without her. I have my moments, and its not always easy, but I'm not miserable, or hopeless. I got some good things going on with my life. My band is about to put out a CD, and we might even get signed. I feel I am on the threshold of some major breakthroughs in my life, so I don't know if I need this right now. I am doing pretty good without her, more than I thought I would.

 

I do love her, and miss her. But I don't miss the games. I don't miss the feeling of not knowing if she loved me or not. I don't miss the feeling of not feeling I was good enough, despite doing everything in my power to make her happy. I don't miss the frustration of trying to know her. She was so guarded and had so many walls, that seem impossible to penetrate.

 

So we shall see. I am going to do my best to not dwell on it. If she calls, I know I will handle it well. I have handled the breakup as well as I possibly could. I haven't called, e-mailed or texted her once since the breakup. I have been strong in front of her friends, and our mutual friends. So she has no clue how I'm feeling.

I have challenged myself to be strong, and even if I don't feel it, fake it and act the part. It has helped so far, and Its getting better every day.

 

You guys have been a great help. Thanks again.

[drum4god]

In a way, I wish she didn't talk to my Mom. I find myself waiting by the phone. Like I said, I don't have my hopes up, but I am really curious what she wants to talk about.

[GQstatus]

Drum4god I can understand somewhat where you are coming from. My first "love" if that's what you can call it, we dated from 14-16, very immature relationship to say the least, but I became VERY close to her mother, and her little brother and sisters during that time.

 

To this day, 10 years later, her mother and her siblings are family to me. Me and the ex had a nasty fall out after our break. Both told eachother we hated eachother bla bla bla. And didn't speak for a good 2 years. I still kept in contact with her mother though. Eventually me and the ex apologized to eachother, and are great friends today. Her little brother, is like the little brother I never had, and still to this day looks up to me. Calls me for advice etc.

 

I'm grateful for the way things turned out with all of us, because I love her family like my own. Sometimes it's weird to think back on how things turned out. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. Me and this ex, would never work again as a couple, but she calls me for advice, I do the same.

 

So as weird as it may be, if you're close to her family, there's no reason you still can't be. If you still have feelings for the ex though, I'd tread lightly.

[GQstatus]

Another funny thing, not really related. But me and this ex have talked on and off for the past 5-6 years. One night while talking like usual she said "Do you ever think we'll get married"...I about wet myself from laughing so hard and I said "Why the hell would we get married" she laughed and said "Well my family loves you, and you're the only guy my mom has liked". If anything, it was a good laugh.

[samross]

drum4God:

Just wanted you to know I was checking on you (fellow brother musician) today and it sounds similar to my situation. I can't tell you waht going on with your ex & her mom but I can tell what happened in my case and how I handled it. By all means, talk to her if she calls. I talked to my ex's mom on the phone a few weeks ago and she said some things like it sounded like she wanted to get off her chest. Not bad things, but say what she had wanted to say. It was a good conversation. Last weekend, when we went to our gig and my ex brought my mom and her mom together, my ex's mom just couldn't seem to talk to me enough. We laughed and joked and I couldn't help but get the feeling that she wants things to work so she seemed to be making it very clear that she wanted me to know that she loved me. Her and my mom are like twin sisters. My ex did a wonderful thing bringing them. SO maybe your ex just wants to talk, or maybe she just wants you to know that you're OK with her. Try to show her (your mom's ex) that you are the man her daughert is looking for. Don't be too obvious about it, just try to be strong. From my vantage point it sounds pretty good, I think.

[blender]

This is a tough one, because you just don't know if her mom will even call at all, she might have been a bit emotional when she asked your mom for the number, and maybe she thought about it later, and didn't think it was the best thing to call.. so try not to put too much "wieght" to her Mom asking for the number,

 

because the fact is, "if or when" your ex wants to reconcile or talk she knows how to contact you.. and that is all that really matters... So I hate to see you "anticipating, waiting, or expecting" a call from her mom right now.. she might make a choice to not call out of respect for your privacy, or her own daughters, and maybe she just had second thoughts about what the "right" thing to do is..

 

So for now maintain your no contact, rest assure that if her mom wants to contact you she will, and if not, you will still be okay... it just takes some time to re-gain your perspective when something like this gets thrown into the mix... Fate will take care of it, if it's meant to be that she calls, fine, if not, fine. You are healing, taking care of yourself, and getting busy with your own life for now.. so keep that up.. best, blender

[drum4god]

Thanks Blender, Samross, and everyone else.

 

Thanks guys. I am doing my best to not think about it, but I am so curious. Its crazy. I know this, if my girlfriend did want to get back with me, she probably wouldn't let me know right away. She is too shy, and probably too proud to say anything.

 

I really think her Mom really wants to check up on me to see how I'm doing. She was asking my Mom if I learned Spanish yet (my ex is Spanish), and that she really wants me to learn. She also seemed very curious to see how I was doing. My Mom told her I was doing great.

My Mom also said one thing that was interesting. My ex's Mom was in a middle of saying something about my ex, then my ex came over, and she stopped her sentence.

 

It was something to the effect of "My daughter" fill in the blank.

 

I am dying to know what she was going to say. Was it

"My daughter really is hurting and misses Drum"

"My daugther is an idiot for breaking up with Drum"

"My daugher is really confused"

"My daughter liked Drum, and tried, but she didn't have that spark"

"My daughter feels bad for hurting him"

"My daughter is dating this new guy, but I don't like him like I like Drum"

 

Who knows. It may not be anything, it may be something.

 

Its something I have no control over. I will still remain in NC.

 

Thanks again everyone. If she calls I will give you guys an update.

[majord23]

It was something to the effect of "My daughter" fill in the blank.

 

I am dying to know what she was going to say. Was it

"My daughter really is hurting and misses Drum"

"My daugther is an idiot for breaking up with Drum"

"My daugher is really confused"

"My daughter liked Drum, and tried, but she didn't have that spark"

"My daughter feels bad for hurting him"

"My daughter is dating this new guy, but I don't like him like I like Drum"

 

D4G, I think the most important thing for you here is to realise that *nothing* that her Mother can say should make any difference to you and your exes situation.

 

Even anything that comes from your ex must not be given too much credence - unless she has a way of showing/guaranteeing that she won't break your heart a *third* time mate.

 

Not trying to be harsh bro, I've always followed your story and been very impressed by the way that you've handled things - so don't let yourself be dragged back into a situation whereby you give control of your feelings back to 'possibilities'.

 

You've come too far to allow that to happen.

[renaissancewoman101]

Just be careful that the ex's mother is not trying to bridge some reconciliation between the both of you. Is your ex someone who is easily influenced by her mother? Reason I ask is maybe her mom isnt happy she broke up with you and may try to coerce her into getting back together with you.

 

The first time my ex took a "break" from me was a year into our relationship. He was confused about the whole thing and thought he had lost interest in me, etc., etc., I was very close to his mother and his mother thought I was the best thing that had ever happened to him so she didnt want us to break up. When he announced to me that he wanted a "break", I freaked, but I didnt do all the craziness of calling him up or begging. I gave him space, but while doing that, I was slowly going nuts with worry. So, I called his mom up to see waht was going on. She was surprised that he wanted to break up with me. She told me that I was the best thing for him and that he diddnt know what he wanted. She told me to give him space and let him be, and taht she would talk to him.

 

He never did tell me this, but I think she convinced him to come back to me. Our relationship resumed, things were great for a while, but then I lost interest in him, and the relationship died out a year later with him dumping me again. His mom called me a few times after he dumped me the second time and told me that she still hoped that he could get back together with me, but to give it time and space. I ended up moving away to CA and that ended that.

[drum4god]

I went to church tonight for Bible Study. As I was driving into the parking lot I saw my ex and her Mom crossing the street. I got a quick glance and of course my ex looked amazing. I am not quite sure if she saw me, but I am sure she noticed my car.

 

I played drums tonight. The worship band did a few songs before everyone goes to their particular bible study. I noticed that My ex's Mom was in the congregation alone. I waved to her Mom, and went over to her (not sure if that was good move). She gave me a huge hug, and almost had tears in her eyes.

She then asked me, "do you miss us"? I was a little thrown off, and said yes.

She then asked how I was doing? I said I was doing good, and I then I said I am hanging in there (ugh I wish I didn't say that).

 

I then wished her a belated birthday (she turned 50 on Jan 29th), and then she asked "Why didn't you call?". I didn't know how to answer, and didn't say anything.

She then told me to stop by the house sometime. I told her I really can't do that. She then told me to call her. She misses me. (Ugh, this was killing me)

I then asked her how my ex was doing? She hesitated, and told me she is doing good. Nothing else.

We hugged each other goodbye, and then she said "We will always be friends, right? I said in a hesistant tone "sure".

 

I have to admit, I was thrown off by this. I am not sure I handled it the way I wanted to. I wish I did tell her I'm hanging in there. I think she can tell I was hurting. I really started to get emotional when her Mom told me she missed me. I saw the hurt in her eyes. It was killing me.

 

It was bittersweet and a little weird. First of all, it was strange my ex wasn't with her. They always sit together. Perhaps she was avoiding me?

Secondly, why is she asking me to stop by the house. My ex lives with her Mom, why would she think I would visit. Perhaps she didn't realize what she was saying. Was that my ex, speaking through her Mom? I don't know. I found that very strange.

 

Lastly, she told me one than once to call her. I felt like saying, Do you understand I am trying to get over you daughter. She probably got caught up in emotion. I can understand that.

 

Anyway, I will continue NC. Its been over 60 days strong, but I have to admit. I feel I took a few steps back.

 

I know its hard to read what is going on, but I would appreciate if you guys can shed some light on this.

 

Thx.

[renaissancewoman101]

If her mom is wanting to stay on good terms with you, and you were on good terms with her from before, I would stay on good terms with her. Maybe, in time your ex will come back to you. I've seen that happen before. It doesnt hurt to have her mom on your side.

[drum4god]

If her mom is wanting to stay on good terms with you, and you were on good terms with her from before, I would stay on good terms with her. Maybe, in time your ex will come back to you. I've seen that happen before. It doesnt hurt to have her mom on your side.

 

 

Of course I will stay in good terms, but I am not going to call her, and stop by the house. I don't know what she is thinking. My ex has to know what her Mom is saying? No? I mean they are so close.

 

I don't know, I have to maintain NC, and I have to move on, but its hard when its seems like the mother is pushing me to call her daughter. I don't think she being wise. Her daughter broke my heart twice, what does she expect?

 

Anyway, thx Ren-woman 101.

[samross]

renaissancewoman101 is right. Definitely stay on good terms with her mom. It is infinitely important to have your ex's mom on your side. Even if it ends up being just friendship. It sounds like she wants you and your ex back together (just my opinion). I have children and if I put myself in your ex's mom's position there is only one reason I can think of to explain why she would still want to have you come over and maintain contact. Keep in mind this is only my opinion so take it for what it is worth. If I wanted my daughter's ex boyfriend to come back to the house and maintain contact it would be because I still want him in my daughter's life. If I knew it was painful for my daughter I wouldn't be suggesting to him to come around. My first thought would be that I would be thinking these two need to be together. So keep that in mind. It may not be what your ex wants right now but maybe her mom sees the bigger picture. I could be completely wrong. Unless your ex's mom is sadistic towards her daughter's feelings or your feelings I can't think of another reason why she would want to maintain contact with you (i.e. coming over to the house). Of course it leaves you in the position of not knowing what your ex feels and wants, but it sounds like there is a chance there. I'm not trying to build up your hope, but maybe at some point you should try talking to your ex. Low key, no pressure. Maybe something where the two of you could just talk about anything other than the two of you. Where she feels no pressure. Since your relationship revolves around church, is there something you could ask her to help you with, like say maybe visiting a shut-in, or some kind of volunteer work. Something where the two of you might connect again. NC is good for you but I firmly believe at some point you have to cross the bridge that we're all avoiding (myself included). Try not to confuse pride with NC. I know you love your ex and want her back.