I can't deal with this pain...

[ten]

I lost my dad last september... he died unexpectedly doing the job that he loved, saving our earth. The pain is still fresh as the moment I kissed his forehead before we cremated the body.

 

The only thing that got me through all the nights was my wonderful girlfriend who just broke up with me because in the last two weeks I let emotions over the loss of my dad get to me and I became easily aggravated, bickering with her over small things. I still showed her I loved her by being the best boyfriend i could but I think those two weeks added more stress onto her already hectic life. Now, without her... this pain is too much! I feel so alone and the pain never seems to leave.

 

So i talked to my best friend about it. It's extremely personal and he's really at a loss for words at some of the stuff i tell him. naturally it's nothing like the ability my gf had to make me smile when i was feeling down.

 

I live a couple hours away from home and it kills me because my mom has been mentally breaking down lately. I came home early from school to take care of my mom for the weekend because she isn't doing so well mentally =/ It's 5am right now and I've been up thinking about my ex and reading through the breakup forums.. I just heard my mom cry out for my dad and I just want to break down. She cries "why did you leave us." Sometimes she will just fall to the ground literally breaking down, kicking, screaming, crying.. she's the most wonderful mother and does not deserve this pain.

 

When I arrived home from school today she told me she has been having dreams about my dad and asked me if I dreamed about him too. I have... and we both broke into tears. I usually stay strong in front of my mom but not today. Sometimes we talk about the fact that before he left on his trip he was acting like he knew something was going to happen. In my dream my dad knew he was going to die soon and was telling me his life's stories.. i woke up in tears. I have an older sister who lives at home but my mom tells me my sis doesn't take care of her and that she leaves for days on end with her bf...

 

When will the healing begin, everyday I find myself asking why. why him, why someone so wonderful and dedicated to helping others. i feel like life can't get any worse.

 

Thanks for letting me share my feelings with you... sunday will be my first birthday without my dad. i'm not celebrating it. =(

[Cid]

My hart goes out there for you. I dont know how long it will take for you to heal but you will when you are ready. We are here for you, we will listen and we will try to help you with this. I wish that I could tell you why he was the one that died but I cant.

[BlueOcean]

I can totally relate to what you might be feeling. My mom died this past November and it's really difficult to deal with. The greiving process is rough to say the least. And to top it all off my partner of eight and a half years decided he wanted to move on just over a week ago. So, I know how you must feel. I thought he was my rock in good times and bad, but I learned that he may not have been the best partner for me. If he can leave me when I'm going through one of the hardest times in my life, then maybe he wasn't as wonderful as I thought he was.

[Locke2121]

You dad died! Why the heck are you trying to be a pillar of strength for your mom? You BOTH need to hold each other and cry the pain out. You said it yourself, your sister isn't dealing with your mom, so she probably feels all alone in her pain.

 

Trust me, start talking to your mom on a regualar basis, once a day at least. Together you can talk, cry and basically be the catharsis that each other so desperatly needs!

[Hope75]

Hi There Ten,

 

I first wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your dad. I think it's totally expected that you and your mom are going through some really intense grieving right now and I am sorry that your bf wasn't strong enough to stick around and help you get through that.

 

I think just what you did when you cried with your mom and talked about your dad was perfect.... you need to be able to grieve for him and share those feelings, it's good to get them out and you are both going through it so you know what the other feels like.

 

Have either of you considered a support group for those who have recently lost a family member? I wonder if something like that might help you work through the grief.

 

Please do come back and update us and vent whenever you need to, this is a great place with alot of supportive people and someone is always around to listen.

 

((HUGS))

[Dako]

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. It's a major experience that will take months to adapt to. In time, you'll find yourself reflectiing less on his death and more on his life, and his place in your heart.

 

You're a good son to your father. Caring for your mother is an honor, isn't it?

[Daddy Bear]

Your dad would not want to see you suffering. Instead of doing nothing on your birthday, you might consider telling your family that you're honoring him by setting it aside as a day to officially celebrate his life and the good work that he did. I think you'll all feel a little bit better.

 

Hang in there, bud.

[onelasttime]

wow. my heart goes out to you. i cannot even to BEGIN to imagion what you go through everyday. i am so sorry to hear about your loss and your mother's hard times. my prayers are going up there for you.

i am sorry about your ex girfriend.. i know what its like to lose the only one that has ever made your life seem right. i know it's hard for you to hear this, but you have to realize that if she bails out just because of a few fights, then you deserve better. you deserve someone who will be there for you to just listen; someone who understands when you are having a bad day and accepts it, and does everything in their power to just make you feel loved. i know it may seem like someone like that is too good to be true, and believe me, i know that feeling, but they will come around. right now, you just need to spend time caring for your mother, your family, and YOURSELF. your father is looking down from heaven smiling at how strong you are being for your mother.

this is hard for me to say, because i have never been in your situation. i don't want to sit here and tell you that i know exactly what you are going through, because, truth be told, i don't. and i know i hate it when people try to tell me they understand. i think your best friend may feel the same way. they care about you so much, but they don't know what to say. they know that they can't just cure your pain with words. but just know that they love you and are trying to help you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

i know you don't know me, but my heart really goes out to you, and if you ever need someone to just listen, im here. i know the feeling of having no one, and that's the last thing i want you to feel

hang in there, try to keep your head up, BE STRONG, and remember that sometimes its OKAY to cry.

 

email me if you need me

email removed

[ten]

blah... this weekend back home was horrible

I spent the whoooole time with my mom, I figured my friends can wait...

I did this in hopes that she wouldn't feel so lonely but she just ended up taking her frustrations out on me. I took it all without a fight, whatever helps her.

I heard her telling my dad we were going to the store...

My sister wasn't even home long enough to sit down and talk with us.. I am going to have a serious talk with her... she didn't even wish me a happy birthday.

 

sorry for the late response, it's hard for me to hang around this thread so i usually wander into the off topic area

 

i really appreciate everyones kind words,

 

BlueOcean, I'm sorry for the loss of your mother... I promise you one day the sun will shine in our lives again.

 

Hope, I never thought of counseling but if things get life threatening then I will approach my mom about it.

 

*hugs* everyone. you're all amazing to support a total stranger. i can feel a smile forming in the back of my face. and when the day comes when i can smile again i will know it is because of you all.

[isisastaria]

I lost my father 14 years ago. You will always grieve. For the rest of your life. Right now it is so new and shocking, that it seems nothing can make you happy. The sun WILL shine again. You WILL come out of this. You will also gain SO much strength. Now you have tools to help others and connect you with others who may need YOU! The people on this forum have come together and shared and thereforeeee have connected. This heals. This helps us understand life. And with this we gain strength and become very powerful. I believe your father watches over you. He loves you. Just as my father. He understands if your family cries, gets angry, or falls to the floor. Just remember he is there. With you still.

[isisastaria]

Please allow me to make it clear that you will grieve for the rest of your life, but this does not mean it will always feel like THIS. People tell you that you should be over it in a week or two. People who says this just do not understand. Or they may tell you that now you are the man of the family. Or they may just not seem to care. Just know that we understand and we know. Ignore comments from well-meaning people who just don't know what to say.

[taradjk]

first i am sorry for your loss, my husband died of 17 years died in oct. it just sucks... no is going to be able to say anything to you to make you feel better. what i want you to realize and i have realized my self is that this is a tragic event in your life that is going to change you forever. down the line we will be stronger people, just not right now. i started therapy and seriously it helped, i was just desperate tired of being sad i think patience is the key. we just have to be patient

[coollady1957]

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your father. Please accept my heartfelt condolences. I understand the extreme difficulty of healing and coming to terms with what has happened. I agree with the post that suggests counseling of some form for yourself and your mom at some point.

 

My husband passed away three and a half years ago, quite suddenly at the age of 48. My son was 17 at the time and my daughter 22. They both grieved differently for their father. My son is the one that came to the point of needing couseling.

 

He had become very angry and bitter about the loss of his father. After several months of therapy he was able to come to terms with it all and allow himself to go through the necessary process of grieving.

 

I understand how your mom feels, with having lost her partner. That is one of the most devasting things to have to ever endure. There were a few points that I felt I was losing my mind trying to deal with my own grief and also help my son and daughter get through the loss of their father. Thankfully I had great family support during my worst times of grief.

 

You and you mom and family are in my thoughts and I hope the best for you in your recovery from losing your father. It may not seem like it right now, but time does allow for learning to deal with it better day by day. You will never forget your father, and special occasions will be difficult at times. Take care, and always let any of us know when or if you would like to talk.