Considering breaking off the engagement

[Kalika]

Wouldn't it have been nice if she said, "OK, I'll keep this ring honey, but at our 10 year anniversary, I want it upgraded" I mean seriously, is she more concerned with the ring, or her upcoming marriage to you? Does she want you two to start your marriage with financial difficulties??

[Caprica]

Wow. That makes me sad to know there are people who are so shallow out there... to actually do that to the man they supposedly love. I'd be happy with a piece of rolled up tinfoil that came from a man that I loved enough to marry, and be damn sure I'd wear it with pride.

[i1dr]

... I thought women insisted size was not important! Or did I misunderstand something again?

[Tom_Bombadil]

Thanks alot for your input, everyone. It's really going to hurt considering that I love her daughter to pieces, but I think I know what must be done.

[Cadence308]

I think you should be seriously considering ending the engagement. She doesn't like the ring you picked because she wanted bigger diamonds and a more expensive ring even when you said that you could not afford it. She is not respecting you and your financial situation. It sounds like she's a gold digger to me!

[EvaGina]

Thanks alot for your input, everyone. It's really going to hurt considering that I love her daughter to pieces, but I think I know what must be done.

 

Good luck sweetheart!!

Would she be selfish enough to deny you any access to her daughter?

I feel for you, I know how attached step-parents can get

[splashdown]

Man, I would seriously consider breaking up. That is simply not acceptable behavior for someone who supposedly loves you.

 

The only thing diamonds are for sure is a symbol of how gullible and easily-led the general public is. Diamonds are so common as to be virtually worthless. And if your "true love" requires a rock to demonstrate love she's even more so (that might be a bit harsh, but honestly...)

[onelittleladybug]

I didnt read your old thread so I dont have the background of your problems. I cant say that I disagree with all your other responses, I kinda agree. This whole materialism behind all the engagement/wedding thing is kinda disgusting and personally not my style. But I wanted to provide a different side of the story just because its always good to look at things from many sides...

 

When I got engaged we had the opposite problem - there was a pressure from his family to get me a big ring and I hate jewelry thats really expensive but mass made and nothing personal. I found a ring for $300 that we had custom made for me even if it was in that low price range. I didn't want him to spend too much money on a ring but I REALLY DID care what it looked like. I spent on average 2 hrs a day for 2 months online looking for a ring. I never imagined this could ever be such a big deal for me. This is why I tell you I never want to be engaged again but thats another story.

 

Now - I realized theres a reason why wedding bands are so simple. Im not kidding!

 

But the thing is... When she is thinking of her ring she is thinking of something that she is going to be showing your kids and your grandchildren AND on top of that she has to WEAR it every day at least until you're married or even a lot longer. I wish my ex had worn my ring and then maybe he would understand how this can be so complicated. I could not for the life of me find a ring that matched my personality. I was lucky I found it for $300 but in all honesty it could have been $3000. Seriously it was just luck. So thats why Im tempted to tell you that for only $600, if the ring is right for her I think you should do it. Remember - she most likely sees this as the only engagement ring she will ever wear. I wasn't one of those girls who fantasized about their engagement rings or weddings and still it became a big deal for me. The thing is most girls think about these things a lot. And in that sense, what is $600? Thats 2 weeks rent where I live.

 

I agree with everyone else though that this cant be about a ring. There has to be something more behind this. So if you are going to break up with her over all this - do yourself and her a big favor and come clean about what you're really breaking up over.

[Tom_Bombadil]

Thanks for your input

 

*sigh*

 

Now I really don't know what to do...

[Batya33]

Here is what I think - the previous poster - was concerned about the look of her ring - that the style should fit her sense of style, her personality. so that if you had bought your fiancee a ring that she didn't like because - like the poster said - it didn't suit her personality, her sense of style, that would be one thing and you could both shop for something more suitable - in a price range you could afford.

 

But here - seems to me this is not about style but about status and competition - she wants a big diamond in order to show off how much you love her or some such crap, excuse my language. And, she has no regard for whether you can afford it - she didn't offer to chip in, did she?

 

Yes, in both cases - the previous poster and your fiancee - they had specific ideas about the look and the style - but in your fiancee's case the motivation is purely about showing off and flashing a big rock (ick) not about something that looks good on her.

 

Typically - with exceptions - a woman who doesn't like the size of a stone because of a style preference (not a showy preference) wants the stone to be smaller not larger -- and if she is considerate and realizes how expensive "bigger" is then if she actually wants bigger she will forego that in order not to burden her fiancee.

[onelittleladybug]

I guess all I'm saying is - try to find the real and true reason behind all this. Yes she could be materialistic and high maintenance but she could also be reading a lot into all this and think it means you don't care enough. There were times when I wondered if my ex didn't just propose to me because he was jealous and insecure because right after our engagement he froze with the rest of the wedding planning process. Then when his mom gave him the lecture about how all women deserve a big diamond it bugged me a lot but I also knew she was just saying it because she loved me and wanted her son to give me only the best. Sometimes people do (really) stupid things. Heck I don't know why people buy seriously expensive cars they really cant afford and thats way more than $600 over budget.

 

However - if this is a recurring theme with you and her, you probably need to address the issue.

 

And to Batya - just a food for thought: You mentioned how she didn't offer to chip in for the ring. But when you think of it - why would she? She is the one who is wearing a ring that symbolizes she is taken and not he. If she chipped in - wouldn't the only thing that made sense to buy him a ring? And then who knows what kinda ring she would get him?

[longhaircats]

When my ex husband and I got engaged, he had no money. I didn't really care about the ring, so I told him I don't need one. I even paid for funiture and other things for our new place since I had more money than he was. Few years later he was making tons of money and he bought me a lot of rings and whatever I wanted! We are divorced now but he still wants to offer financial support if I ever need one (am a self-funded PhD student at the moment).This is about trust.

 

A big diamond seems very important to your fiance for whatever reason. Maybe she has been fantacizing about having a big engagement ring since she was a child. If you want to make her happy, extra $600 isn't a bad investment. I think your concern is more about the fact that she is materialistic and she doesn't care about your feelings. You should tell her how you feel and she may understand it.

 

Good luck!

[Batya33]

"nd to Batya - just a food for thought: You mentioned how she didn't offer to chip in for the ring. But when you think of it - why would she? She is the one who is wearing a ring that symbolizes she is taken and not he. If she chipped in - wouldn't the only thing that made sense to buy him a ring? And then who knows what kinda ring she would get him?"

 

To me the ring is a symbol of commitment of the couple - not that she is

"taken" - they are "taken" - and chipping in if she is the one who wants a bigger rock makes sense to me. It used to be that the woman bought the man a watch when he bought her her ring - so in that way the expense was not all on the man's shoulders.

Caro33 I believe posted that they split the cost of the ring.

[Parsley]

I think she's acted like a child, as someone else said, whining because her friends have bigger diamonds. That to me suggests it is not something about her 'personal taste' but the plain and simple fact that she doesn't want to be the one that has something different.

 

I could maybe understand if it was the style of the ring that she didn't like, and agree that swapping for something of the same price would be fair. But it sounds like she just wants bigger for the sake of it and her choice would be far more based on the price tag beneath the ring than the jewellery itself.

 

I know some people have said that it's something she will wear everyday...but that's not necessarily true. My mum, sister, aunts...pretty much every married woman I know only wear their wedding bands - choosing to wear their engagement ring only on special occasions.

 

I read your previous post, and it seems like this is most definitely showing you what she will be like for the rest of her life - throwing tantrums when she doesn't get her way. You said she was trying to get a proposal after 4 months?! That's madness!

 

If this were out of character for her then I *might* consider it slightly more acceptable. It would show that it was something that mattered to her. But the fact is, this isn't a one off. She has shown herself to be selfish and childish in the past and will only carry on with that pattern. It won't end with the ring. Soon it won't be a big enough car, house, gifts at birthdays Christmas and anniversaries won't be good enough because her friends got something better for theirs.

 

I seriously think that you shouldn't be with this woman.

[Scout]

Yes she could be materialistic and high maintenance but she could also be reading a lot into all this and think it means you don't care enough.

 

Based on his other threads, she definitely seems to have some characteristics of the former. BUT - in all fairness, the jewelry and diamond industries have been mass marketing for years the message that how much someone spends on a piece of jewelry for someone shows how much he really cares. It's disgusting, in my point of view, and often results in situations just like this. The sad fact is, seemingly intelligent and kind women can become jerks about their engagement rings because of the unscrupulous industry marketing tactics.

 

That's not an excuse for her behavior, though. She has taken it very far by actually getting another ring to show him and then stating she will now not wear her current ring.

 

Yeah, she really does sound high maintenance.

 

Unfortunately, it's not an easy situation because of how much you love the little girl, too.

 

Is it possible you two could to go counseling? I mean, if you feel bad about just breaking off the engagement, you could say, well, I'm willing to try counseling first to see if we can possibly work our issues out.

[Batya33]

I've always felt jewelry of all types was a special romantic gift under the right circumstances - nothing to do with marketing or media for me (at least, I don't think so!)- and it was never about the size - just about the thoughtfulness. With respect to the OP - sounds like it has little to do with marketing in the jewelry industry - she would apply her values to any gift he gave her.

[BellaDonna]

To the Original Poster,

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. You seem like a nice guy and I'm sure it was insulting to have your fiance behave that way.

 

If she is materialistic in that manner about the ring- it could be a sign of worse things to come.

 

she would apply her values to any gift he gave her.

 

Definitely....and not just gifts, but other purchases you might make as a couple too such as furniture, cars, etc. It's important that you have similar values with a spouse when it comes to finances....and that does not seem to be the case with you and your GF.

 

If it were me, I would call it off- but you must do what feels best for you.

 

BellaDonna

[ladyblue07]

I agree with the consensus that your fiancee was very selfish and immature for complaining about the ring.

If I were really in love with a man, I would be thrilled to get a ring from him no matter what it looked like.

Consider this a big red flag. If I were you, I'd get out now before things get any messier.

[Donster]

I'm just thinking aloud, but at the very least, it sounds as if your gf has A) poor judgment when it comes to gifts, behaviors, and expectations; B) has bought into the entire diamond industry propaganda; or C) has shallow friends or family members who have influenced her behavior; or more likely, D) all of the above.

 

So ask yourself this question: If you were absolutely poor, and had ZERO money available to buy any ring at all, and asked her to marry you, what would she say? Would she A) say that your love is all she needs to prove to the world that she is yours? B) say that she understands the situation, and can wait until you are both financially stable enough to buy one, C) say that she would rather you invest your money so that the two of you can afford a nice home together, D) say she wont marry you until you are able to properly ask for her hand with a ring and bended knee, E) ???

[cubsfan]

i agree w/ all the posters. what i wouldn't given to have a man like u. i'd be the world's happiest woman if i received an engagement ring from the man i loved. sounds like she's taking u for granted big time and then trying to get material things her way from u, like your gift wasn't good enough. she needs to wake up and see how truly lucky she really is!!! befrore she loses u. good luck and i hope she realizes how she messed up before she ends up losing u. she owes u an apology, BIG TIME!!! this si a huge red flag. proceed carefully!! and best of luck to you

[HDD]

I think your fiance is going to cause more trouble for you later if you decide to marry her. if this is her reaction now towards a ring that is supposed to have MORE meaning than ANYTHING else in the world, and she is making such a huge deal about how its not big enough... i mean, whats wrong with her? u know what, if she isnt happy about your financiual situiation NOW, she wont be in years to come. she sounds very materialistic and selfish. let her find someone with money... obviously Happiness means NOTHING to her... its all about wealth and who has the bigger stone on her finger! UGH!! this really pisses me off. Good luck and i hope she snaps out of this and realizes what she will loose from this childish drama!

[Tom_Bombadil]

An update:

 

 

The engagement is off and it's completely over

 

After emailing her and telling her my feelings I had asked her for some space while I thought about everything. She wouldn't let up. She kept emailing me, calling my friends and trying to pry info from them, and even went so far as to have her mom and 3 year old daughter call me.

 

After a few days I finally emailed her today. This is what I wrote:

 

"In my last email I had ended it by asking you for some space. Space is not emailing me 3 times a day or having your mom and daughter call me (you claim you family does not get involved in your business, yet everytime we have problems your mother calls me). The truth is that I still don't know. So either you can give me a bit of space or we can end this as you implied earlier. I NEED SPACE."

 

Well, according to a roomate she dropped off a box with the engagement ring, and everything else I had given her.

 

Thanks alot to everyone who listened and gave advice.

 

 

Time to move on with my life...

[splashdown]

wow...that was sudden. well, hope you're doing ok with the decision.

[Tom_Bombadil]

wow...that was sudden. well, hope you're doing ok with the decision.

 

Oh it hasnt quite hit yet, but it's going to hurt soon considering how much I love her daughter.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I am sorry things did not work out at all but I truly feel this is for the best. Your posts about her from last year had so many red flags. I still stand by that she was more interested in being married than realizing what it is like to build a life with someone. Perhaps was just wanted the security of having a husband because she is a single mom. It is hard to say at this point.

 

I realize it has not sunk in yet as that has happened but when it does, keep your friends and family close by and don't forget, you can always come to eNotAlone for support too.

 

Hang in there.