I'm really pissed at my boyfriend. Is it mean to dump him right after Vday??

[n83]

My bf and I have been dating since around Thanksgiving of last year. When Christmas was coming up, I told him a week ahead of time that I was getting him something small. He didn't get me anything. No biggie, I decided, and didn't sweat it.

 

OK, now I know that people get criticized for worrying too much about what they get on Valentine's, but I think they're upset at the lack of effort. So I just drove today, through one of the worst snowstorms I've ever seen, to the mall on the other side of my city, to get my bf a VDay and birthday present (his birthday, unfortunately, is Feb 15th). And since he lives near the mall, I stopped by his place to give him his present. What did he get for me? Nothing. Nada. Zip. No card, nothing. How do I know this? He never brought it up. Never said "Hey, sorry, I didn't get you a card yet..." or anything. Just thanked me for the gift (which was a CD he wanted) and didn't say another word about it.

 

Now, we originally had plans to get dinner tonight, but since it's so bad out, I still don't even know if I'm going to see him later. I can say one thing though: if I never get anything for Valentine's day, not even a stupid homemade card, he is dumped. D-U-M-P-E-D.

 

My question is: am I overreacting? Is this reasonable?? And if it is totally reasonable, and I break up with him, should I tell him why, or only if he asks me to?

[the yang to the worlds yin]

I think you two should have probably talked beforehand, concerning what you are both normally accustom to doing as far as presents go. My guess is he simply isn't used to doing presents.

 

Now if other parts of the relationship show that he doesn't put in effort, then you have a problem.

[n83]

Wouldn't it go without saying though, you should at least get your gf a card on Valentine's? I'm not really sure that's something that requires discussion

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Everything, requires discussion these days. I know sometimes it's not the funnest of things, but it helps strengthen your bond and it helps for you to be able to understand him far better, when he does something that irritates you.

[n83]

Honestly, I don't know that I want to be with someone that is too dense to even know that they should just get me a stupid card. I shouldn't have to have tons of mini discussions about every mundane thing.. It would have been one thing for him to say, look, I'm sorry but I don't have money right now.. or SOMETHING. He didn't even say anything about it. But he sure did gladly accept the CD he told me he wanted me to get for him.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

See that would upset me too, only because he expected a gift, but didn't want to return the favor. The problem isn't so much with the gift, as it is the thoughtfulness that he didn't show.

[Suesser Tod]

I think you've got yourself a pathologically cheap boyfriend or an extremely selfish person. My dad is like that, the only present I get form him is in xmas, and it is always something cheap.

 

Is he cheap for other things?

 

 

I think that the whole xmas thing should have been a heads up for him.

[FCTex]

Where has he been?

 

I'm not getting my girlfriend anything for Valentines Day, simply because we discussed it before hand. We are saving up the money which would be spent on petty things, to put into our new place we're getting soon.

 

But I still got her a card, and some flowers, and I made dinner reservations at a nice place..

 

He needs to wake up, but most of all, I would be embarrassED if my SO got me something and I didn't have anything, not even an excuse to give in return.

[n83]

Is he cheap for other things?

 

No he's not that cheap for other stuff, he's taken me out to dinner and that's been not cheap (then again, it's him ordering all this extra crap that makes it expensive)..

 

He told me at Christmas that he had ordered something online for me that had never come.. and that the guy had sent it to the wrong place or something? I dunno, it just sounds like BS to me. Long story short, I never got anything for that. Which wasn't a big deal, but it is when you combine it with nothing for Vday.

[treefrogkate]

No one is a mind reader. It's easy to say "He should have known", but isn't it far easier to say in advance "Gee, I would love to get (insert desired gift here) for Valentine's Day, it would be so romantic", and then not have to complain when your (unexpressed and unknown) expectations aren't met? Maybe he and his last girlfriend didn't celebrate it.

[shikashika]

If you have to have a discussion about this... then I think there is a problem... ok.. maybe he doesn't know he's supposed to care or buy you anything.. but I don't think i personally would want to be with a guy like that

[n83]

Maybe he and his last girlfriend didn't celebrate it.

 

True, but I'm not his last girlfriend and how they did things has nothing to do with me.

[Lady Bugg]

I always think the "little" things mean so much more ....how does he treat you on a day to day basis? Not just in buying you things...but is he thoughtful? Does he do things for you he KNOWS would make you happy or make your life easier? Yes you can show your love through gifts, etc......

but I agree even just a hearfelt home made card would have been perfect.

All it takes is a piece of construction paper and or a pen and markers.

 

I don't know how long you've been dating.....but if this is something that's

occurring regularly, you might consider if he IS someone you wanna be with....

[Beec]

Any man I know with SENSE does something for a woman on Valentines Day or discusses it with her beforehand. No either he has no sense or is too cheap.

 

I won't tell you that you should dump him, but he should feel at least a little wrath.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Maybe he just doesnt celebrate Valentines Day? I guess I see this from a different point of view since ive never received anything from any bf of mine for V-day as its never been a big deal to me, it matters more how he treats me day to day not if he buys me anything.

[treefrogkate]

Maybe he just doesnt celebrate Valentines Day? I guess I see this from a different point of view since ive never received anything from any bf of mine for V-day as its never been a big deal to me, it matters more how he treats me day to day not if he buys me anything.

 

Exactly, that's what I was trying to say. My ex-husband always bought me something he couldn't afford for Valentine's Day, and I always thought it was absurd, since he treated me like crap the rest of the year. I'm happy to say that my boyfriend and I wished each other a Happy Valentine's Day, but didn't buy each other anything (not even a card), and I'm perfectly ok with that.

 

Every person is different, and every person has different expectations. No one should be faulted for not meeting an expectation if they didn't know it was there in the first place.

 

Also, could it possibly be that he has something he was planning to give you at dinner? Or that dinner itself was your present? I don't mean to be rude, but it strikes me as selfish and immature to dump a guy over not getting a card on a made-up holiday when you're not even willing to clue him in on the fact that you want to celebrate it.

[n83]

I guess I should clarify that he treats me OK, not great but not bad either.. I'm not in love with him or anything .. I'd rather not waste my time on someone who always treats me like he likes me, but not enough to go out of his way for me.

[n83]

Every person is different, and every person has different expectations. No one should be faulted for not meeting an expectation if they didn't know it was there in the first place.

 

But he knew it was there. He knew a while ago I'd be getting him the CD. I even asked him what he wanted, so he could actually get something he likes. It's not like this was a mutually agreed-upon avoidance of all presents or cards. He could have said, Hey, I'm not gonna be able to get you anything.. so that way I wouldnt' have gotten him anything either. I'm not exactly rolling in dough here.

[Daligal83]

I think what n83 is getting at is that it's not the fact that she wanted a present in her hand. It's that he KNEW she was getting him something for valentine's day and at the point that he got the present, knew that she had driven through a storm to get it and to get it to him, and he didn't even acknowledge having the same thoughtfulness for her. It's not about the material gift, it's about the thought and what it represents. I'm sure if he had approached her and said, listen I can't afford a present right now, she would have been fine with it because then he would have at least acknowledged it.

[Batya33]

I think what n83 is getting at is that it's not the fact that she wanted a present in her hand. It's that he KNEW she was getting him something for valentine's day and at the point that he got the present, knew that she had driven through a storm to get it and to get it to him, and he didn't even acknowledge having the same thoughtfulness for her. It's not about the material gift, it's about the thought and what it represents. I'm sure if he had approached her and said, listen I can't afford a present right now, she would have been fine with it because then he would have at least acknowledged it.

 

I completely agree with this - it's not about Vday - it's about the whole situation and in that context, yes he sounds selfish and thoughtless.

[n83]

Well.. I really want to dump him. But tomorrow is his bday and I told him I'd go to his sister's for his bday dinner. Would it be mean for me to back out? I'd rather just sit on my A and watch tv, frankly. He's not worth a gallon gone from my gas tank.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I guess I just view this in a whole different light then everyone else call me the weirdo or whatever, even if I get my bf something I dont expect anything in return. In a sense you could look at it as the person expecting something in return as being selfish? I have bought my bf tons of things but never once expected him to say oh well I didnt get you anything let me run out right away. Even for Valentines Day, I got hima card just to tell him I love him and I going to be heartbroken and completely go crazy on him if he doesn't get me anything? No!

[Mythical_Suicide]

Well.. I really want to dump him. But tomorrow is his bday and I told him I'd go to his sister's for his bday dinner. Would it be mean for me to back out? I'd rather just sit on my A and watch tv, frankly. He's not worth a gallon gone from my gas tank.

 

I would rather someone break up with no matter what time of year or what special day it is rather than be with someone who wants to break up with me but feels sorry for doing so just because it per-se my birthday. If you want to break up with him , do it. Know what I mean?

[Ericson]

lol * * * are you in a relationship with a guy who you dont even love

[n83]

I guess I just view this in a whole different light then everyone else call me the weirdo or whatever, even if I get my bf something I dont expect anything in return. In a sense you could look at it as the person expecting something in return as being selfish? I have bought my bf tons of things but never once expected him to say oh well I didnt get you anything let me run out right away. Even for Valentines Day, I got hima card just to tell him I love him and I going to be heartbroken and completely go crazy on him if he doesn't get me anything? No!

 

I think it's pretty selfish that he would accept a gift without even having the decency to tell me he didn't get me one. He didn't even say, Sorry, I don't have a gift for you. Let alone a reason why. If I'd known that he wasn't getting me something back, I would have saved my money. The reason I got him something was because I didn't want him to get me something, and me not have anything to give him in return. How is this selfish??

 

lol *** are you in a relationship with a guy who you dont even love

 

Why would I love him? It's only been a few months.