Another Broken-Hearted Baby....[Dumper's Point of View]

[Allie.]

Maybe...this will provide you guys with a dumper's point of view...and maybe help me! People who are heart-broken and have been broken up with...try to give me some pointers to avoid hurting him.

 

Hmm...well...I just broke it off (not broke up) with a guy I was falling for really fast. Not love. Just a lot of attraction. He was emotionally and physically satisfying and there was nothing wrong with him but I had to break off the "daily dating" because:

 

1. I have soo many other things going on right now that are very important to me. For example i'm working really hard in college and it takes up a whole chunk of my time and Its not that I don't have time for a boyfriend...its that I don't have ENOUGH time to be a good girlfriend.

 

2. I don't want to get serious with a guy because, though, i'm over my ex, i'm not done healing from all the pain of the previous relationship and I know that if I got in a serious relationship, I would be a PAIN because I would be constantly insecure and be blaming him for everything my ex did and thats not healthy or fair.

 

I still like him soooooooooo much and It will hurt so much when he starts going out with another girl [when he does]...but at the same time, I will be so happy for him because he would've moved on. It will be a bittersweet moment. I'm the first serious "girl" he's been with [for reasons except for sex] and i feel honored to take that position in his life because your "first love" is always remembered. haha. trust me, i think we all know that. He's liked me for about 2 years now and didn't date anyone else.

 

I know I really hurt him. But sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do and try to work on yourself and try to make yourself happy first, becuase, if you're not happy, your relationships won't be healthy and your partner will most likely not be very psyched about being the source of blame due to your own insecurites...etc. and I think...

 

well I KNOW i'm making the right decision because I know I would be such an unfit girlfriend. I CAN see that and I can see myself hurting him so much in the future so why not end it now, then get more attatched and then break it off...you know....

 

so this is kind of a dumper's point of view....

 

and well, gimmi feedback...you guys think i did the right thing? i should now start NC and just start working on improving myself right? Or should I try to help him move on...or leave him alone?

 

xoxo

Allie

[anggrace]

It sounds like you did the right thing. I don't think theres anything you can do to help him move on besides leave him alone. If you stay in his life, it might confuse him. Good for you for not letting it go too far and for doing what is best for you!

[Allie.]

yaaaay! thx ang...but its just so hard sometimes because you have to do what you need to do even though you don't want to do it.

[sandyv]

Yeah, cause if you went back to him.... it prolly wouldn't work out anyway...right?

[melrich]

Yeah I think you did the right thing. Sometimes we are just not in a place to be in a relationship.

[renaissancewoman101]

I understand that you are not in a place to be in a relationship. That's good that you recognize that. As for the guy, don't completely just abandon him. He really did nothing wrong. I agree, dont have a relationship with him, but dont cut off all ties with him either.

 

People have feelings too.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it is hard, but especially at your age, getting way to serious too soon would just mean you end up being pressured into a 'starter' marriage in a couple years, i.e., a marriage that seemed like an OK idea at the time, but you were both soooo not ready to get serious and be married yet...then you have a bitter breakup or divorce to deal with...

 

i think that if he can't handle going back to just casual dating rather than an every day thing, then you did the best thing by breaking it off, becuase he would really have a lot of expectations of you as his girlfriend that you would probably end up not meeting... painful for both of you, and probably ending up in fights and a bitter breakup rather than a civil one.

 

but if you think being friends with him after the breakup is just going to mean he moons around waiting for the 'right moment' to leap back into a committed relationship with you, then it really is better to totally cut him free and have NC for a while, or as long as it takes for him to truly understand that that's not what you want or intend to do....

 

if you want to confirm you did the right thing, go over and read some of the threads on the 'Getting Back Together' link... lots of people there who have been dumped and are using even the most minimum of contact with their exes to keep their hopes alive, even when the 'dumper' has made it quite clear they don't want it at all... sometimes the kindest thing to do as the dumper is to really cut it off and do NC, so the dumpee can get the point that every little contact is NOT a step on the way to reconciliation, which many dumpees hope...

 

best of luck, maybe you two can be friends again someday, but give both him and yourself time to get distance enough to figure out what you need to do with your lives more permanently...

[renaissancewoman101]

BeStrongBeHappy, the guy did nothing wrong so I dont think advocating that she just completely cuts him out of her life is good either. He's gonna be hurt badly and think women are creeps. She doesnt want a full on dating situation and I understand that. That is why I advocate, "yeah, break up with the guy", but also dont cut the guy off completely from friendship or anythings.

 

THAT HURTS!!!!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

BeStrongBeHappy, the guy did nothing wrong so I dont think advocating that she just completely cuts him out of her life is good either. He's gonna be hurt badly and think women are creeps. She doesnt want a full on dating situation and I understand that. That is why I advocate, "yeah, break up with the guy", but also dont cut the guy off completely from friendship or anythings.

 

THAT HURTS!!!!

 

I respectfully disagree. I think NC is the way to go. He'll get over it faster, not cling to false hopes, and they'll both be on with their lives faster. He may not get it now, but he'll appreciate it later in life when he looks back on it.

 

Secondly, he is the only one responsible for his feelings.

[Me and myself]

Hi

 

I'm in a position similar to the one of your ex. I was in a relationship that was very short and she broke it up, among other issues, due to the fact that we could not spend too much time together. In our case it was related with different life styles and not to work issues.

First of all, from a dumpee point of view, I think that one of the most intense cause for the bad feelings is when the dumpee thinks that the dumper isn't being honest about the reasons to finish the relationship. So, I think you should have a final conversation with him and tell him what you've said in your first post. Say it in a way that he can understand that things were not going to work in the future and, most of all, make him fell loved. Show him that, in spite that things have no future as a bf/gf relationship, you love him enough to be around him but as a friend only.

I think you should also explain him that the same reasons for the break up will force you to be away for a while (you have a lot of work and so on).

I think you both know where to find each other so, even if you go to NC, you'll always know where to meet the other in the future.

As a final note, and I'm sorry if I may seem hard on you, but I think you shouldn't have entered in this relationship because you are still emotionally attached to your ex and that is not fair to your bf. I'm in his position too regarding this issue and it hurts badly 'cause I feel I was somehow used and I smyself as a second choice that was not good enough as her ex. I know feelings can be tricky sometimes and, probably, you didn't noticed that at start. You're only human and people make mistakes. You should work on your person so that you can solve your past issues and be free from all the insecurities. That's another reason why you should go NC and, please, make him understand that too.

[mikeca]

I must say your very mature to see and identify that you are not ready for a serious relationship and break it to him now, rather than toying around with his feelings for awhile just to see if it got anything from you.

[Allie.]

Thank you so much you guys!

I think I've done the right thing--though its hard.

He keeps calling me all the time, and txting me, and saying hi to me in public places...and its getting kind of awkward now. because he's just doing it all the time and pretending like nothing happened.

boy, is he in for a surprise.

 

[sad face]

Allie.

[b2761]

interesting to hear this perspective!

[visorguy]

How long did you actually date this guy for? And what do you mean by broke it off vs broke up? Have you explained things to him yet? I'm confused.

[auburnslp]

well I think you absolutely made the right choiec and potentially saved this guy from getting serious in his heart at a time when you are not able to...well done-you did this man a favor. Michael