Settling for less or take the big plunge?

[lavender]

Hi everyone. I’ve got this problem that has been bugging my mind for the last couple of months and I would really appreciate everyone’s advice especially those who have entered the ‘marriagedom’.

 

I have been going out with a wonderful boyfriend for almost a year now. I know he loves me very much and would do anything to make me happy. The problem is that, I don’t feel like we have much in common and we have very little chemistry with each other.

 

6 months after the relationship, I started going out with another guy from my office - not on dates, but for sports as both of us were in the same club. Although we were from the same office, we have never really communicated with each other as we were on different projects and the fact that I’m shy around him as I’ve had a big crush on this guy ever since we were studying in the same university! After a few outings together, I found out that we had so much in common and we had such a wonderful chemistry. I was always cheerful and happy whenever we were together. From what I heard form others, I know that he is a very loyal and trustworthy, has large circle of friends and everybody seems to love him. I always feel like nothing is impossible when i'm with him and i feel as if i become a better person when i'm with him. Sometimes i feel as if he is my soulmate.

 

 

2 months later, he confesses that he really likes me. He knew that I was already with someone yet, he needed me to know how he felt about me as I was leaving the country for 2 years due to work. Although I liked him very, very much, I couldn’t make up my mind as I didn’t know him that well and I’m afraid of making the wrong decision as well as hurting my boyfriend.

 

It’s been 4 months now and I really don’t know what to do. My current boyfriend has been wonderful – he calls me everyday and he’s currently planning our engagement which is supposed to happen in a couple of month’s time. This guy however, contacts me irregularly due to the fact that he felt guilty about ruining my current relationship.

 

My current boyfriend is the kind of guy any girl could ever wish for – he’s kind, he’s considerate and he always treats me like a princess. He’s the kind of guy who will never knock on your door empty handed – always with roses or chocolates Career wise, he is above par from other people our age and he’s got a very bright future. However, he used to have a pretty bad reputation with the girls previously (a friend actually broke up with him a couple of years back coz she said he can never live with one woman). But deep down, I know he is a changed man now and he loves me very much.

 

I’m cracking my head and I really don’t know what to do. I've been hurt real bad in my previous relationship and i wish not to have that experience again. Should i settle for sumething less but safe or should i gather up the courage and take the big plunge with the other guy??

[anggrace]

Geesh, pretty big decision! Im not going to tell you what you should do, but I will say, by your saying "settle for something less" you don't think much of your relationship. Whether or not you go for this other guy, I don't think you should become engaged until you feel you aren't setteling but instead, that you are lucky to have such a man and you are sure you don't want anyone else.

[Hope75]

Bottom line if you are not sure that you want to continue things with your boyfriend now than end it. You know that he is planning an engagement in the near future, this is obviously very serious to him. But you are having doubts.....and you should never accept a marriage proposal from someone if you are having doubts.

 

Knowing that this is coming the only fair thing to do is to break it off. Your boyfriend deserves a girl who is sure about him and not distracted by another man.

 

Give yourself some time alone to clear your head- but the answer about staying your bf is obvious. If you are having any doubts, do not accept a proposal.

[Batya33]

Your boyfriend doesn't sound like someone I would want - let alone "every woman" - I want someone I am inspired to give to - your relationship sounds like he is a doting puppy dog who asks how high he should jump. I've heard too many times that "we" (women) are supposed to want someone who treats us like gold with the flowers, chocolates, etc. Not me. I want someone who treats me well - of course - but because he feels loved, respected and treated well, not because he is on autopilot to treat every woman well. Don't people - and that includes women! - deserve someone who keeps them on their toes - in a good way - inspires them to grow, stretch, see things from different perspectives? You can't do that with a doting puppy dog with whom you have little chemistry.

[karvala]

Your boyfriend doesn't sound like someone I would want - let alone "every woman" - I want someone I am inspired to give to - your relationship sounds like he is a doting puppy dog who asks how high he should jump. I've heard too many times that "we" (women) are supposed to want someone who treats us like gold with the flowers, chocolates, etc. Not me. I want someone who treats me well - of course - but because he feels loved, respected and treated well, not because he is on autopilot to treat every woman well. Don't people - and that includes women! - deserve someone who keeps them on their toes - in a good way - inspires them to grow, stretch, see things from different perspectives? You can't do that with a doting puppy dog with whom you have little chemistry.

 

I think I'm gonna print that out and stick it on my wall! Cheers.

[lady00]

This sounds a lot like the "great on paper" guy. I remember on an episode of Sex and the City (and no, I don't get all my relationship advice from that show lol but from time to time I have seen something worthwhile in terms of relationship advice) where the main character met this guy. He was great "on paper" but they didn't have chemistry, things in common etc, that certain spark and so things could not work out.

 

I am concerned that you feel staying with your bf is settling for less than what you want. You should never, ever settle! You will regret it later on down the line and it's not fair to your bf because there are surely people out there who won't feel like they're settling by being with him.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you're feeling. Just because someone has a ton of great qualities doesn't mean you'll be a good match or you should be with them if you don't feel any chemistry. I would advise against staying in a relationship that makes you feel like you're settling. I do think you should leave now because as time goes on, the engagement plans will be finalized and then the wedding plans. And before you know it, you'll be standing at the altar with someone you're just not sure about. I think you should seriously consider that and also think about his feelings in the long run. If this isn't someone you could be happily married to then don't stick around.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I think you should be on your own for a while. Maybe that would give you the perspective you need, because it's not an either/or choice, you could go for the third option - YOU!

 

I feel a little sorry for your boyfriend, and the comment 'settling for less'. Because I would be devastated if someone 'settled' for me. I think there is someone out there who will think the world of him, and it's not you. That's okay though - better to know now rather than after the wedding.

 

Also, if I were guy two, I would rather you came to me to try a relationship after ending it with your current boyfriend and being single - less baggage somehow, and showing that you were prepared to make a tough choice, without any guarantees of anything. That to me would be the mature step.

 

Good luck - I don't think you should carry on with your boyfriend feeling like that; it's not fair to you, and it's definitely not fair to him.

[Ash]

If you're committing to a lifetime with somebody you'd better make sure he's totally the right guy. There's enough doubt in you, even the title of the thread is enough to tip many people off that he's not 100% right for you. Granted, it's your decision but there should never be a reason to settle. You need to know in your heart that your future husband is the perfectly right person for you. To not be that way not only does you a disservice, but him as well.

[Katerimo]

If both were standing at the end of the alter which would you feel best to turn to and say 'yes'?

[Jetta]

Is the other guy offering? My advice.... Never settle, I did and look at the horrors it has caused.

[Jayar]

I say free up your boyfriend for someone HE deserves, and then go find out what you REALLY want so that everyone is happy. Believe me, if you think you'll devastate him by ending it now, you won't. He'll heal. And one day he'll look at his future wife hopefully and understand why he had to hurt. I'm so glad you're considering this all now before saying yes! Good for you!

[RayKay]

I am in agreement with the others; it is unfair to your boyfriend to keep him there as a "safety" when you are not as into him as he clearly is into you. Not only are you denying him someone whom loves him absolutely and completely though, you are denying yourself that feeling of loving someone absolutely.

 

I also think you need to remove the idea of "this guy or that guy" from your decision. If you really feel this way, you need to let him know and take some time before jumping in to something else, to know what it is you really need in a partner.

 

If you feel you must "settle" if you choose your bf; he is not the right one for you. No matter how great he is on paper - relationships don't happen on paper.

[lavender]

hi everyone...

thx for all the reply...

nevertheless i dont agree with the autopilot thing...he was never that way with another girl...

what was actually on my mind was...

1)is it better to settle with someone whom u know loves you whole heartedly OR..

2)take the risk with someone who u really like but not knowing how much and how good will he treat you?

 

as i said, i've been hurt so bad in my previous relationship - i luved my EX too damn much and i had to face so much pain. Dont want to ever happen again - dont know if can get thru it alive

[Batya33]

If your boyfriend said he wanted to marry you because he knew you loved him wholeheartedly and he was too scared to find out what there was with another person who seemed like bad news, would you accept the proposal?

[lady00]

hi everyone...

thx for all the reply...

nevertheless i dont agree with the autopilot thing...he was never that way with another girl...

what was actually on my mind was...

1)is it better to settle with someone whom u know loves you whole heartedly OR..

2)take the risk with someone who u really like but not knowing how much and how good will he treat you?

 

I'm really not sure what you mean. You keep using the word "settle" which says to me that you're just not that into the guy you are currently with and so remaining with him would be unfair. How would you feel if he said the same things you're saying? In that case, wouldn't you rather just end the relationship rather than have him "settle" for being with you? Don't settle. You will be miserable in the long term and you will continue second-guessing and doubting the relationship.

[cblack21]

You've got a real problem here... You're boyfriend is in one relationship and you are in two. If you are even thinking about being with another man and aren't sure, let them both know. Your boyfriend probably won't propose and this other guy will lose interest because you aren't a challenge anymore. You get to start from square one and maybe next time you'll find a guy you can respect. You obviously don't respect your boyfriend.

[cblack21]

as i said, i've been hurt so bad in my previous relationship - i luved my EX too damn much and i had to face so much pain. Dont want to ever happen again - dont know if can get thru it alive

 

I think this is really the source of your problem... You're getting too close to the posibility of getting hurt again. You've probably been very careful since this relationship to keep people from getting too close and not completely trusting anyone. This new guy isn't some great thing, he's just an escape from a situation that could potentially cause you pain again. You probably weren't ready for a relationship when you moved on, if you constantly have a fear of getting hurt you'll never truly open up.