Considering leaving my pregnant girlfriend - Please help

[antigravity]

Hi,

 

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 10 months, and she's 5 months pregnant.

 

I lived in Melbourne, Australia, and she lived in Brisbane (about 2,000km's apart). We flew to see each other every 2 weeks for 3 months and because she couldn't move to Melbourne (she has two boys, aged 2 and 5), I got a work transfer to Brisbane, left my family and friends to be with her and her boys.

 

I sold my car to get a family car because of the boys (i had an mx5 lol) and moved in with her.

 

She's now 5 months pregnant with our baby girl (which I'm very excited about), however we really don't get along and we fight almost every day. I'm really not happy, as she is very short tempered and highly strung. She's always stressed because of her kids or for something else, and I really don't want to be with a person like her.

 

I'm a very patient person, but i'm finding that gets the worst out of me, and i've also become quite impatient and can get really nasty when we fight. In all my past relationships, i've never really fought like this before.

 

We don't have much in common, and she's done some things in the past that have made me lose respect for her (she's slept with a lot of guys, cheated on her ex husband and her first boyfriend). We fight alot because we think differently about parenting (i'm stricter), finances (i'm more strict/responsible), relationships with others (she doesn't like me having female friends or speaking to ex girlfriends who i was friends with before meeting her). I could go on and on.

 

I know that her hormones might be making her worse, but even before she was pregnant I was having a hard time staying with her, because of these problems. She's a very negative person and always sees the worst in everything, and I'm finding that its bringing me down, and i've also been quite depressed lately.

 

I'm confused, because I feel i have an obligation to be with her because of the baby, however I am really unhappy with her. I want to be a part of my babies life, and hate the thought of my baby girl growing up without me or with another man, however I also hate the thought of being with my girlfriend much longer. It's really killing me inside. I was quite happy being single before I met her.

 

I know this is only my side of the story, however she does know how I feel, and I have threatened to leave her many times when we've fought, and this has made things worse because she's now even more insecure.

 

Please help, I really don't know what to do! Should I stick around while she's pregnant to help her, and leave after the babies born? Stay with her regardless? Leave but support her?

 

Please help and don't worry about hurting my feelings.. If i'm being a * * * * * and should shut up, then say it! hehe

[FortunateOne]

Wow! Did you ever consider all this before you decided to date and impregnate her? Do you really want unselfishly honest advise?

[antigravity]

It wasn't a conscious decision for her to get pregnant. She was on the pill, but contraception isn't 100% fool proof.

 

But I do want honest advice. That's why i'm here.

 

Cheers

[FortunateOne]

Do you and her have any psycological issues or in therapy?

[eleanorrigby1]

i really feel for you. What a horible situation. The fact is, if this was the other way round she would be able to just think "I dont want you anymore" and not worry about whether she would not see he children anymore. Its the law and its Im afraid but the fact is, seeing as in 99% of the cases the woman gets the baby, the man usually finds myself sticking around in uhappy hellhole relationships just so he doesnt lose his kid and its not fair!

 

I have so many male friends like you and i feel they are wasting their lives.

 

yeah you probably shouldnt have got her pregnant (with the benefit of hindsight) but it took two to tango and she could have taken the pill if you wouldnt wear a condom. I dont want children yet, so guess what, I havent been knocked up yet!! its really not hard for the woman to take resonsibility for herself so that really isnt the issue here.

 

this isnt the 1950's where you HAVE to stand by her and she obviously has children from previous relationships and manages just fine. Do their father (s) get to see them?

 

You need legal advice. You need an arrangement where you get t be part of the child's life, you will pay maintenance and have visitation rights. Seek out a citizens advice bureau or anywhere you get free legal advice.

 

Then leave her. If you dont want to be with her, dont have a relationship with her. Life is too short.

 

However, no matter what the legal stance, there is a risk you could lose access to your baby, (if she moves without telling anyone.. if she just acts like a cow (Like some women do) and refuses access... its a messy situation.

 

You need to be aware that there is no easy way out. you either stay and its hard, or you leave and it has the potential to be harder... its your life.

 

Taking the imaginary moral obligation that you think you owe her, what is your decision?

[Siriana]

It' s easy to be general after the battle and I am aware of this - but I just can't control myself:

What were you thinking?

Leaving everything behind so soon and at your age choosing someone with 2 kids?

BTW Threatining her how you will leave is horrible - to me it means you are NOT MATURE ENOUGH for serious commitment.

 

Getting pregnant on the pill?

Well a very, very small possibility! Usually it is due to a mistake (skipping a pill, starting on a diff day and because of that having sex too soon before it starts to function).

Plus, you could use a condom - pill is not everything.

Plus she should be able to be super safe with having two kid already.

 

Now, if you feel like leaving leave. You'll look like a jerk, but lets face it you'll leave sooner or later - you two are completely incompatible and you are still not mature enough to have a serious relationship with kids involved.

 

Be prepared to not be such an interesting daiting material for girls of your age because you already have a baby.

 

This is horrible decision you have to make.

[SarahRose]

BC is quite reliable if taken correctly. Chances are she probably got pregnant on purpose in an attempt to keep you but blamed it on the birth control pills. She has two kids already so she knows how to not get pregnant.

 

I think it is a sad place where our society finds it quite acceptable to bail on a pregnant woman and let her raise kids alone because she has two already and she is fine. Obviously they bailed on her too.

 

That said, the lesson is to take your time in new relationships and wear a condom always! Maybe she should get some counseling?

 

I have no advice what to do but I hope it works out best for all of you.

[Batya33]

It wasn't a conscious decision for her to get pregnant. She was on the pill, but contraception isn't 100% fool proof.

 

But I do want honest advice. That's why i'm here.

 

Cheers

 

Of course it was a decision. You decided to have sex with someone who was not sterile. That means you decided to be a daddy if the birth control failed. You do not have to stay with her but you do have to pay child support and you should be involved in the child's life, who did nothing wrong and doesn't deserve to be abandoned by her father. I also suggest that you shift your mindset so that you acknowledge when you are accountable and responsible for situations like this one.

[Batya33]

BC is quite reliable if taken correctly. Chances are she probably got pregnant on purpose in an attempt to keep you but blamed it on the birth control pills. She has two kids already so she knows how to not get pregnant.

 

I think it is a sad place where our society finds it quite acceptable to bail on a pregnant woman and let her raise kids alone because she has two already and she is fine. Obviously they bailed on her too.

 

That said, the lesson is to take your time in new relationships and wear a condom always! Maybe she should get some counseling?

 

I have no advice what to do but I hope it works out best for all of you.

 

I know a few people and have heard of others who got pregnant while taking the pill regularly.

[eleanorrigby1]

I dont think society condone people 'walking out on a pregnant girlfriend' I just think people are more conscious of not staying in a horrid relationship for 'the sake of the children'.

 

people blame the youth of today for the large divorce rates, yet how many of us remember grand parents that couldnt stand each other?

 

people should stay together for any other reasons other than they love each other and want to. the children find out, they arent stupid and can sense when their parents are in love.

[Batya33]

I agree but that has nothing to do with whether he should be an active co-parent emotionally, financially and with his time spent with his child - nothing to do with a romantic relationship with the mother. The child deserves at least that much.

[antigravity]

Thanks for the feedback guys... seems pretty mixed, much like my emotions right now.

 

Don't get me wrong, if I leave, I'll feel terrible and feel like a real cop out. But please let me stress that if I do leave, it's got nothing to do with her being pregnant. Not at all. I've always wanted children, and it I am more ready for the responsibility.

 

I'm not blaming her for the pill not working, I think it was a mistake on both our behalf for maybe being a little careless.

 

Her two children are from a previous marriage where she cheated and left him.

 

When i've threatened to leave her during our fights, its because I am at the end of my rope with her attitude on a lot of things and her high stress levels have started to rub off on me. Like I said, i'm normally a calm person that doesn't like to fight, but when we're arguing she pushes and pushes until I can't take it anymore.

 

I do think that eventually I will leave her, if she wasn't pregnant I would have left by now.

 

What I want to know is, morally, should I stick with her during the pregnancy even though its quite clear we won't make it? Or should I not bother and move out now? I would be quite uncomfortable if I left her now, but am I doing her any justice by sticking around when I want to leave anyway?

[antigravity]

I agree but that has nothing to do with whether he should be an active co-parent emotionally, financially and with his time spent with his child - nothing to do with a romantic relationship with the mother. The child deserves at least that much.

 

I'm of the opinion that if its possible to take full responsibility for the child, then I would love nothing more than to look after my baby girl full time.

 

So like I said, supporting the baby emotionally and financially isn't the issue here.

 

Its my terrible relationship with her mother that's the issue and whether it's worth staying with her.

[Batya33]

I would move out now so that her sons don't get attached to you only to be left after she has the baby. I don't think you owe her anything -- your responsibilities are with the child only. Thanks for modifying your response that somehow this pregnancy wasn't a "conscious decision" - glad you're owning up to your responsibility in this.

[antigravity]

Taking the imaginary moral obligation that you think you owe her, what is your decision?

 

I would leave asap.

[eleanorrigby1]

I agree but that has nothing to do with whether he should be an active co-parent emotionally, financially and with his time spent with his child - nothing to do with a romantic relationship with the mother. The child deserves at least that much.

 

if you read my first reply you will see that I am not telling him to abandon the child., i totally agree with you. He should seek legal advice.

[Batya33]

I'm not so sure he needs legal advice - he can simply pay the mandated amount of child support and seek legal advice only if she contests paternity or tries to prevent him from seeing the child as much as she wishes to.

[Dilly]

I tend to lean in towards Batya's perspective. Antigravity, you really sound like your thinking is rounded out, but the telling face is that you both argue presumably in front of her children (?), and that the arguments are ugly and bring out the worst in you. You have control over your reactions to external stimilus and must exercise restraint. I can't help but read between the lines when you mention her insecurities and your insistant decision to keep in contact with girlie friends or ex's. My boy, this is behavior that does not get you a free moral pass to leave with approval of your heart. You are in a situation now that is more complicated than your impulsive desires to be the 23 year old single guy. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd, leaving while she is pregnant would probably be best. I am pregnant and if my boyfriend left me now, I could learn not to depend on him - NOW is the easy time - when the baby arrives, there will be REAL RESPONSIBILITY. If he sticks around to "support" me and then, dumps me when there is a child, I will feel like the biggest fool around. You come accross sensitive, but honestly, you are not thinking with your utmost ability. You need to get out of her past - her past is her past and you made a decision to move in with her knowing her past so leave that out of your considerations to leave or diss her character. Everything you knew as of five months ago should remain out of consideration because you accepted those things then and should only reconsider them if there are repeat issues. I feel sad for you, your baby, and your girlfriend. I think whatever you do, you should respect your child's mother and you do not sound like you are able at this time (not that that is your fault). You said it yourself, I am hearing your words only. So I am addressing your words. I'm sure she has her issues. But if you want to support her, you will refrain from calling the ex's and your girlie friends. You have a baby in the oven. Why go walking through gardens of the past when the future is your only destination.

[Caterina]

I agree with the second poster! I'm so tired of the selfishness of people these days. Half of the American population comes from a divorced family. What you're presenting is inconcievably irresponsible. Yet, attitudes like this are incredibly prevelant...its a really sad and embarrassing example that my generation has been putting out. YOU should have thought about this beforehand. Now you are having a child. Get over yourself. And yes, hormones do make a woman a little crazy during pregnancy.

[annie24]

Have you two had therapy or counseling? I think it is worth giving it a shot before throwing in the towel. I mean, there is a baby coming, like it or not, and she deserves a chance. Is your gf willing to try to work things out, maybe you two can compromise on some issues? good luck

[Day_Walker]

I am not going to be your parent and judge your actions. I think that you need to prepare for the worst. As far as the relationship goes, I would say that both of you need to make an honest effort and after that if the relationship does not work out then you can go your own way.

[ebsmith1]

Well for starters you probably should have thought about how little you had in common and how little respect you had for her before you slept with her and created a child. I know several people who have gotten pregnant on the pill so its not fair to think that she did this on purpose. I know that there are women out there who get pregnant to keep men or to get child support, but as a single mother of two, I would not intentionally add another child to the mix unless I was married to the man, because it's already very difficult.

 

Did you ever stop to think that the reason she is so stressed out and upset is because you have threatened to leave her, and she is terrified that she will be alone again and now with three children? If you do care for her at all, stop threatening her! Hormones during pregnancy make you nuts, and if you are already insecure and scared in your relationship with the babies father then that compounds things. If you want to stay with her, then you need to go get couples counseling. If you don't want to stay with her, then you need to leave and get everything about child support and visitation in writing so she knows that you will be providing for the child.

 

Being a single mother of two children is very stressful in itself, you knew that she had kids when you met her, if that wasn't something you could handle you should have stayed away from her. Perhaps I'm just overly sensitive because my ex told me he loved my kids and I later found out that he can't stand kids and never wanted any, but your post was really selfish. You need to take a step back and think about what this woman is going through right now and think about what all of that is doing to her. Stop thinking about yourself for one minute.

[ImThatGirl]

I am not going to be your parent and judge your actions. I think that you need to prepare for the worst. As far as the relationship goes, I would say that both of you need to make an honest effort and after that if the relationship does not work out then you can go your own way.

 

 

Agree 100%. And I'll leave it with that rather than writing a book to you.

 

Remember. . . You are both under alot of pressure. If you want to be with your child 100% of the time and have the chance to influence and teach your child, at least stay with her while she is pregnant and give it a try.

 

What specifically do you fight about?

[rocio]

I think that you might want to work on the relationship a bit more before giving up. You seem to have an immature and unrealistic perspective on the relationship. Everything is her fault. You are an angel and a victim. Please, give me a break. You asked for honesty so I will tell you that I would be ripping out my hair if I was your girlfriend - and that's before you factor in the pregnancy insecurities and the hormones.

 

Take a step back and look at what you've written about her:

 

 

 

She's a monster, she MAKES you do/feel things against your will, you're a wonderful person. Blech. Stop lying to yourself. I might understand if you were saying that these are all new developments in her personality due to the hormones, but you say she was always like this. I don't feel sorry for you. You're the one who changed your life to be with her. Obviously you saw something good in her.

 

If you continue with this clueless, childish attitude of yours, you will sabatoge the relationship. Why not take a bit of responsibility for your arguments and the problems in the relationship? Stop threatening her and blaming her. Go for some counselling and try to treat her better. Try to respect her a bit. If you're so stuck up on her past that you absolutely can't have any respect for her, well I don't know what to say. That's your loss. My guess is that you've been bringing out the worst in her. When you are appreciative, gentle, loving, understanding, compassionate, honest, and sincere with someone, that usually brings out the beauty in their personality. I suggest you take that approach.

 

Of all the trash you've written about her, I don't see any of it that's unforgivable. There's nothing that can't be worked out. She hasn't betrayed you, lied to you cheated on you, abused you physically or emotionally. Considering that you've made a life together, I think it's worth working on - and I don't think you've done any working yet. I don't think you have the right to walk away until you've put more honest effort in.

[RayKay]

Granted this is a very confusing situation; but I think given the fact you there IS a child now, you do both have to make an honest effort (i.e. via counselling) before parting ways. At the very LEAST, it may help allow for a cleaner seperation and you to be able to develop some level of communication regarding your daughter whom will be here soon.

 

I agree, this relationship right now sounds unhealthy, and I am really unsure why if you felt that way BEFORE she got pregnant...you stuck around. For the future, a good rule is to not keep sleeping with someone whom you would not want to go through pregnancy etc with, because you are right, no birth control is foolproof; and the pill even if used properly has a 5% failure rate for the "normal use". But I also will say you are not all innocent in this either, you both have responsibility for the relationship.

 

That is all a moot point now of course. Now you do have a responsibility to the child. I absolutely however will say that it is also unhealthy to stick around if you cannot work things out; I can say personally that children DO feel these things, and learn from their parents what a "healthy relationship" is; and repeat those patterns. It is not ideal for your parents not to be together, but if they are not it is still very possible to show them healthy role models and relationships.