husband in Iraq emailing x fiance of 23 years ago

[army col wife]

My husband is currently serving in Iraq and we have been happily married for 21 years. He has been exchanging emails with his ex fiance of 23 years ago. She contacted him after a family member ran into my husband just prior to deployment. He told me about her contacting him and asked if I had any problem with them writing one another. At the time, I did not. He said that they both knew the limits. That was May 2006.

 

Recently, my husband shared some information about her. She was molested by her father as a child and has not told anyone about it...until she started emailing my husband. I asked him how friendly email exchange led to her sharing this with him as this is a very emotionallly packed issue. He said that she told him that he was the first man that she ever trusted. Why? Because he stopped sexual advances when she said no...and still hung around for 6 months.

 

You see some terrible things in a war zone, and he is no different. He told me that he shared some things with her, things that he could not tell me so as not to worry me. He then set her up with a special army email account. He also sent her flowers at Christmas because "she sent him a very nice box of goodies for the holidays." Other people send him packages and he doesn't send them flowers. I might add, that he sends me flowers frequently and sent me some then as well).

 

Recently, she asked him if our families would want to get together for dinner when he comes home in April. My husband said it would be my decision. I thought that this was bizarre. What would we have in common? Only the fact that they were once engaged. I then started questioning their online relationship and voiced my concerns that perhaps she was getting emotionally invested in him (and perhaps him to her). I shared my feelings with him and they both agreed that they should stop emailing. She admitted that she had become emotionally invested.

 

My husband gave me her email address and I sent her a letter stating my disapproval and said my peace. After all, he's in a freaking war zone!! I also sent the same letter to her husband. (they both are teachers and email is available to the public). He wrote me back wanting to know details as I told them that this was emotional adultry in my view. Because I have no access to their email, I can only speculate. But the fact remains that she did admit to an emotional investment to my husband. (her husband knew that they were emailing, and had a problem with it at first).

 

She wrote me back assuring me that there was nothing to worry about and that my husband loves me and our family very much. She also sent my email and her response to my husband after they had agreed not to email anymore.

 

Am I worrying about something for nothing? I welcome your comments.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well, it is really hard to say, but it is obvious they at a minimum they were becoming very chummy friends, though distance obviously prevented physical adultery from occurring...

 

if you husband has realized this was too much intimacy for him because he is married and stopped, then that is good, he is committed to you, and maybe stress and loneliness where he is now made him want to communicate with anyone who reminded him of home and a less stressful time.. and it got out of hand with all the emotional confessing going on between them... war is terrible, and he may have been craving any kind of support and emotional outlet, even if it turned out to be ill advised.

 

but please be careful and don't stir up any trouble between this woman and her husband, i.e., labelling it 'adultery' etc. and telling her husband that.. if the husband is very jealous and thinks this is really bad, he may divorce his wife, and you will have a worse problem on your hands, because she is now single, and when your husband returns, may blame you to triggering her own divorce and want some payback and go after your husband looking for a new partner, or merely to get even for you sending email to her husband to start trouble in her own marriage...

 

she probably emailed your husband because you emailed HER husband, so a bit of angry passive aggressive payback... so i suggest you de-escalate this battle with her now, and focus on keeping a tight bond with your own husband...

 

if he has cut off contact with her, then there is not much more you can expect him to do at this point... this falls into a lesson learned for everyone, best never to encourage too much intimacy between someone and his former fiancee, even email correspondence that is private from each other's partners... too much temptation there...

[army col wife]

It was the one email...and I said my peace. No plans to talk to them ever again. And yes, we are focusing on our relationship.

[xmrth]

Yeah, there's really no reason why they should be contacting eachother... I mean really, after all those years? This lady has got to get out more often or something!

[caro33]

Are you worrying about something still happening or are you asking for views on whether you were fair with him or not?

 

In my opinion you acted in a textbook fashion for what people should do if they find themselves in this situation. Good work, I think you did well. The fact that he shared information with her that he would not share with you is the beginning of what can be a slippery slope in these things; I think you were right to recognise the risks here and act as you did.

[radioheader]

they were setting themselves up for an emotional affair (when they start sharing things that they don't tell their spouses) and i bet if they had been in the same proximity physical would have eventually followed. there is a good book called not "just friends" that talks about all this...i think you are past it but if it ever surfaces again or you are curious about it grab it at your librarby...you did the right thing! good luck

[Rabican]

I would say at the very least you have some reason to be concerned. Concerned. How concerned should you be... not sure at this point. But my motto is, that once someone is emotionally involved, my girl had better break things off, otherwise im going to. Once you get into that territory, where feelings are involved, nothing good is going to come of it. Nothing. Tell your husband as much, tell him you love him, and tell him that you would appreciate him ending contact with this ex. Whatever is developing isnt strictly plutonic, and thats a no go in my book.

[sisterb]

You handled the situation well. All the comments also added something important and substantive. This is after all an unusual situtation. In the original post this sentence stood out: After all, he's in a freaking war zone!!

 

Not sure what you meant but it's true. He's in a freaking war zone and perhaps latching onto whatever he can to cope. Again, you handled the situation well. I would stay alert to it as well as trying my utmost to understand how his actions might be motivated by circumstance most of us can't even comprehend.

[army col wife]

I was upset that she had shared highly personal information with him and I told her he does not want to hear about the problems here at home (ie: behavior issues with our son ect.) so why does she feel that she needs to dump this on him to solve. He does not have a degree in psychology, and, after all...he is in a freaking war zone. He has more to worry about than to solve her problems. He has to keep his head in the game in order to come home safe. I told my husband today that I didn't think that we'd be dealing with this issue if he was here at home. She doesn't live around us and has told her husband about her abuse and is now getting therapy for it. I have poured my heart and soul out to my husband the past 4-5 days (no email on his side, but he read it all today) and it has seemed to help him as well. We will have to deal with a lot of emotions when he comes home. I believe we are now past this. Thanks to everyone who responded.

[annie24]

I agree - I think you did the right thing. I can understand being "penpals" with an old friend (or fiancee) from 20 years ago, but this definitely crossed the line, straight into an emotional affair. I hope you and your husband mend things up. It is good that he was up front with you. Good luck and I hope your hubby comes home safe and sound.

[army col wife]

Well, I thought that we had thiss issue resolved, but I was wrong. It seems that my husband, who is still in Iraq, had not only been emailing his x fiancee', but was phoning her as well. Through a series of unfortunate events, I had priviledge to read some of their emails, which started exactly 22 days after he left. I noticed one that said, "My laptop is down. Text message me and I'll call you. I miss our chats!" This was dated September, the time he was in on leave. A later detailed review of my cell phone log revealed that he called her within 24 hours of arriving home on leave...and called her repeatedly during his leave. He got a phone card in December (exactly 3 days after sending her the flowers) and I noticed that he was recharging it frequently. Phone log on that revealed that he called her 5 times from Iraq with calls totaling over 3 hours.

 

I talked to him tonight and he could hear how upset and distraught that I was. He lied to me when I questioned the phone bills initially last month. He just doesn't seem to understand that this is a serious breach of our marriage. He says that there was never anything sexual about their conversations, but why would he feel the connection to her? Why would he feel the need to call her the day after he got home to his family? He told me that he always thought crossing the line meant a physical relationship and seems to be oblivious to the fact that he had (has) an emotional attachment to this woman.

 

He thinks that we should just move past this, but I can't seem to get it out of my head that he cheated on me with another woman by calling her. He claims that he loves me and our son more than anything else in this world and wants to make it right when he comes back home. He says that he has broken all contact with her.

 

What should I do?? I love him and want our marriage to work. How can I get past this feeling of resentment and distrust?

[army col wife]

Just found out that he had lunch at the airport with her on the way home to see us on leave. Any comments on this as stepping over the line. He doesn't seem to understand this one as "it wasn't physical".

[annie24]

well, if nothing happened, then ok. Afterall, not much can happen at an airport in public. But I would definitely make it clear that you are not ok with this sort of thing in the future. (((HUGS)))

[Scout]

Hi, Army Col Wife...this is just a shot in the dark theory, and it may not even make you feel better, but....is it possible your husband started this exchange up with someone from his past who once meant a lot to him because he's at war and terrified of dying? I mean, if the prospect of death is real, it makes sense to reach back into your past and reconnect with people who meant something to you at one point...doesn't it?

 

In other words, I'm thinking this might have more to do with his being, as you point out, in a war zone, than it does with another woman.

[annie24]

oh, good point scout! I think that is really a strong possibility......

[army col wife]

He says that it isn't the fear of dying, it's the unknown. You never know when you go out on mission what lies in wait for you. I can understand that. And I can understand that he needed a sounding board for discussing things that he could not tell me. He did not want to worry me. What I am now having a really hard time with is that he met with her on his way home. She got to him first before me and my son. I know that nothing happened. I cannot shake this feeling that he was putting her before us...and during our whole vacation while on leave with the phone calls. He says he was helping a friend in need. I just feel that he forgot our needs, or again, putting her first.

 

I thought that I was dealing with this pretty well. I have forgiven him for lying to me and for meeting with her. I feel guilty for feeling the way that I do, because he needed a sounding board. His choice probably could have been better for a sounding board. I still am having problems constantly thinking about it and rolling it over again in my head. Any suggestions how to get past thinking about it all the time?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

maybe you could visit a counselor to learn how to deal with this... if he were here, i would definitely suggest counseling, because he was really crossing the line into dangerous territory... lots of affairs start as emotional affairs, then move into physical affairs when the opportunity arises...

 

i think he needs to turn to you for emotional support as his wife, and NOT bond with other women that deeply, especially an ex fiancee/girlfriend... so i think if you have made it very clear that there should be NO contact between them ever again, and work on trying to build more intimacy with him, then you could be able to move past this...

[radioheader]

did you ever get the book not "just friends" by shirley glass? it is so good and explains about finding friendship outside the marriage with the opposite sex and how it is dangerous and what is healthy and not healthy....i really think it would help you put it into perspective and your feelings about the whole situation. please check your library for it...mine had it!

[Rabican]

Hi, Army Col Wife...this is just a shot in the dark theory, and it may not even make you feel better, but....is it possible your husband started this exchange up with someone from his past who once meant a lot to him because he's at war and terrified of dying? I mean, if the prospect of death is real, it makes sense to reach back into your past and reconnect with people who meant something to you at one point...doesn't it?

 

In other words, I'm thinking this might have more to do with his being, as you point out, in a war zone, than it does with another woman.

 

I really think thats a bunch of nonsense. Sure he is in a warzone, but that does not justify bad behavior.

Ive almost died a couple of times on my motorcycle. I ride a sportbike, and sometimes I like to go... shall we say... rather fast. I know what Im doing, Ive been to track days, racing school etc. However there have been 2-3 times where I thought I was a goner. Close call on the bike, but I saved it and nothing happened. I did not go home and start up an emotional affair with some other girl. Besides, even if that IS the reason he did it, that still doesnt JUSTIFY it. I dont really care WHY he is acting badly. It only matters that he is.

 

His behavior in lying about their conversations, and then going to SEE her after already talking to army col wife and realizing how upsetting this whole thing was is just insane. I would tell him that one more slipup of this kind and I was gone. But thats just me.

 

I normally have nothing but respect for our patriots in the military... but this guy needs to get his priorities straight. Fighting for your country doesnt give you the right to shat on your home and family.

[Rabican]

Personally I think he should have been talking to you. YOu are his wife. If not he can talk to any one of his buddies. Or his mom or dad brother sister, cousins, what about military counselors? Nope, he does to an EX. Oh that would anger me.

 

Also how do you know nothing happened? Id bet that a few months ago you wouldnt have thought any of this would happen.

[annie24]

I suggest you tell him about enotalone. This is definitely a place where he can vent. Or, I am sure there are some military support boards out there. It's important that he finds a safe place to talk. Talking to a former flame is just a dangerous, slippery slope. I would feel threatened also.

[army col wife]

Just to clarify: I knew that they were writing, but didn't find out about the intensity of it until later. I voiced my concerns about their "relationship about 2 1/2 weeks ago and contact with her has ceased. She, her husband and my husband confirmed this. He saw her at the airport in Sept. on his way home and before I knew of their emotional sharing. I had the most intense emotional confrontation with him 3 nights ago when I found out about the calling. He later confessed about seeing her on leave. I do, however, think that I made a believer of him. He knows that he made a big mistake! We are now trying to forge ahead and plan for his return in March.

[army col wife]

I suggest you tell him about enotalone. This is definitely a place where he can vent. Or, I am sure there are some military support boards out there. It's important that he finds a safe place to talk. Talking to a former flame is just a dangerous, slippery slope. I would feel threatened also.

 

Oh, he now has access to this site. I directed him to it and he has read the posts. I told him tonight that I have ambivalent feelings about all of this. I love him and want our marriage to be strong. I forgive him and want to move forward. I feel guilty because I destroyed his "sounding board" that he says really helped him deal with some awful stuff. On the other hand, I am hurting that he did not feel that he could share those feelings with me...not wanting to worry me, and that he lied to me. He now says that I will be his sounding board, which is the way it should have been all along. He visited the combat stress unit yesterday. They told him that he did need a sounding board, but just as many of you have said, he probably chose the wrong person for that. He is in a command position, so image is everything. I told him that if he had emotional baggage about things that he has seen and had to do, then his men under him certainly would have the same feelings. Maybe it would be good for them to share? But in the military, you have a command structure. When you are on top, everyone looks to you for guidance and direction.

[army col wife]

No, I haven't got the book yet. I looked it up online though. Maybe by reading it and going to a counsellor we can get through this.

[radioheader]

i know you can get thru this if you both want to....i know it sounds like i get a kick back from selling this book...but it is so informative about how the line of friendship and then intimacy is so easily crossed without the parties even knowing before a bond is made...it also talks about the feelings of all 3 parties (yes even the other woman/man) and how to deal with them...good luck to you!