army col wife

True. I think now the most important thing is that we recognize that lines were crossed and work toward that not happening again. My husband is a good man and realizes that he made a mistake. He has started sharing thoughts and feelings that he had not shared in a long time...as it should have been all along. He tried prior to being deployed, but I was unreceptive. His deployment was voluntary I might add. I did not know that at the time. We both have some work to do on communication skills. After 21 years of marriage and 11 moves, sometimes things get lost in the shuffle. Thanks for your imput.

I bought the book today just before seeing a counselor. It is really insightful and I'm just on the first chapter. Thanks so much for recommending it!!

No, I haven't got the book yet. I looked it up online though. Maybe by reading it and going to a counsellor we can get through this.

Oh, he now has access to this site. I directed him to it and he has read the posts. I told him tonight that I have ambivalent feelings about all of this. I love him and want our marriage to be strong. I forgive him and want to move forward. I feel guilty because I destroyed his "sounding board" that he says really helped him deal with some awful stuff. On the other hand, I am hurting that he did not feel that he could share those feelings with me...not wanting to worry me, and that he lied to me. He now says that I will be his sounding board, which is the way it should have been all along. He visited the combat stress unit yesterday. They told him that he did need a sounding board, but just as many of you have said, he probably chose the wrong person for that. He is in a command position, so image is everything. I told him that if he had emotional baggage about things that he has seen and had to do, then his men under him certainly would have the same feelings. Maybe it would be good for them to share? But in the military, you have a command structure. When you are on top, everyone looks to you for guidance and direction.

Just to clarify: I knew that they were writing, but didn't find out about the intensity of it until later. I voiced my concerns about their "relationship about 2 1/2 weeks ago and contact with her has ceased. She, her husband and my husband confirmed this. He saw her at the airport in Sept. on his way home and before I knew of their emotional sharing. I had the most intense emotional confrontation with him 3 nights ago when I found out about the calling. He later confessed about seeing her on leave. I do, however, think that I made a believer of him. He knows that he made a big mistake! We are now trying to forge ahead and plan for his return in March.

He says that it isn't the fear of dying, it's the unknown. You never know when you go out on mission what lies in wait for you. I can understand that. And I can understand that he needed a sounding board for discussing things that he could not tell me. He did not want to worry me. What I am now having a really hard time with is that he met with her on his way home. She got to him first before me and my son. I know that nothing happened. I cannot shake this feeling that he was putting her before us...and during our whole vacation while on leave with the phone calls. He says he was helping a friend in need. I just feel that he forgot our needs, or again, putting her first. I thought that I was dealing with this pretty well. I have forgiven him for lying to me and for meeting with her. I feel guilty for feeling the way that I do, because he needed a sounding board. His choice probably could have been better for a sounding board. I still am having problems constantly thinking about it and rolling it over again in my head. Any suggestions how to get past thinking about it all the time?

Just found out that he had lunch at the airport with her on the way home to see us on leave. Any comments on this as stepping over the line. He doesn't seem to understand this one as "it wasn't physical".

Well, I thought that we had thiss issue resolved, but I was wrong. It seems that my husband, who is still in Iraq, had not only been emailing his x fiancee', but was phoning her as well. Through a series of unfortunate events, I had priviledge to read some of their emails, which started exactly 22 days after he left. I noticed one that said, "My laptop is down. Text message me and I'll call you. I miss our chats!" This was dated September, the time he was in on leave. A later detailed review of my cell phone log revealed that he called her within 24 hours of arriving home on leave...and called her repeatedly during his leave. He got a phone card in December (exactly 3 days after sending her the flowers) and I noticed that he was recharging it frequently. Phone log on that revealed that he called her 5 times from Iraq with calls totaling over 3 hours. I talked to him tonight and he could hear how upset and distraught that I was. He lied to me when I questioned the phone bills initially last month. He just doesn't seem to understand that this is a serious breach of our marriage. He says that there was never anything sexual about their conversations, but why would he feel the connection to her? Why would he feel the need to call her the day after he got home to his family? He told me that he always thought crossing the line meant a physical relationship and seems to be oblivious to the fact that he had (has) an emotional attachment to this woman. He thinks that we should just move past this, but I can't seem to get it out of my head that he cheated on me with another woman by calling her. He claims that he loves me and our son more than anything else in this world and wants to make it right when he comes back home. He says that he has broken all contact with her. What should I do?? I love him and want our marriage to work. How can I get past this feeling of resentment and distrust?

Perhaps you could call the office prior to the exam and ask THEM to ask your parents to sit outside. Express your privacy concerns and let them be the bad guys. You are a young woman and need your privacy. Now is a perfect time to start asserting it. Whatever you do, please seek medical treatment.

As an RN and mother of a 13 year old son with ADD and Aspergers Syndrome, I know the uncertainty that you are feeling. Our son was diagnosed at age 7 and has been on ritalin (Concerta, which is long acting) for over 5 years. We tried other medications with mixed results. I agree with some of the other posts that this drug is not right for everyone, but if he indeed has ADD, then I would support doing what you have to do. You have to find out what is best for your child. You know him best. First and foremost, I would get him checked out medically to rule out any other medical problems. When you present the doctor with your concerns, he may refer you to the mental health specialist or just have you, your spouse, and the child's teacher(s) fill out a questionaire of about 150 questions. Don't compare answers, just answer the questions as you see your child. The questionaire will then be tabulated and will reflect a number. Our son was on the higher end of the spectrum. From there, the decision will be up to you and your son. Options include; (1) do nothing, (2) see a behavior therapist, (3) medication, or (4) a combination of #'s 2 and 3. Most people see better results from combination therapy. My question to you would be when did he start having symptoms? ADD usually doesn't just pop up at adolescence. The same goes for food allergies. You would have been seeing symptoms all along. Symptoms of ADD include: inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. Has anything in your homelife changed? (marital troubles, upcoming move ect, undue stress at school). Since you didn't include any symptoms, another thing that must be considered is possible illecit drug use. Don't overlook any area of their life. After all, you want the very best for your son. As a parent, I was very relieved to finally have a diagnosis. I was (and am) a good parent and started to doubt that. We've come a long way, but still have a way to go with the Aspergers. I wish you the best and hope that these few comments help.

I was upset that she had shared highly personal information with him and I told her he does not want to hear about the problems here at home (ie: behavior issues with our son ect.) so why does she feel that she needs to dump this on him to solve. He does not have a degree in psychology, and, after all...he is in a freaking war zone. He has more to worry about than to solve her problems. He has to keep his head in the game in order to come home safe. I told my husband today that I didn't think that we'd be dealing with this issue if he was here at home. She doesn't live around us and has told her husband about her abuse and is now getting therapy for it. I have poured my heart and soul out to my husband the past 4-5 days (no email on his side, but he read it all today) and it has seemed to help him as well. We will have to deal with a lot of emotions when he comes home. I believe we are now past this. Thanks to everyone who responded.

It was the one email...and I said my peace. No plans to talk to them ever again. And yes, we are focusing on our relationship.

My husband is currently serving in Iraq and we have been happily married for 21 years. He has been exchanging emails with his ex fiance of 23 years ago. She contacted him after a family member ran into my husband just prior to deployment. He told me about her contacting him and asked if I had any problem with them writing one another. At the time, I did not. He said that they both knew the limits. That was May 2006. Recently, my husband shared some information about her. She was molested by her father as a child and has not told anyone about it...until she started emailing my husband. I asked him how friendly email exchange led to her sharing this with him as this is a very emotionallly packed issue. He said that she told him that he was the first man that she ever trusted. Why? Because he stopped sexual advances when she said no...and still hung around for 6 months. You see some terrible things in a war zone, and he is no different. He told me that he shared some things with her, things that he could not tell me so as not to worry me. He then set her up with a special army email account. He also sent her flowers at Christmas because "she sent him a very nice box of goodies for the holidays." Other people send him packages and he doesn't send them flowers. I might add, that he sends me flowers frequently and sent me some then as well). Recently, she asked him if our families would want to get together for dinner when he comes home in April. My husband said it would be my decision. I thought that this was bizarre. What would we have in common? Only the fact that they were once engaged. I then started questioning their online relationship and voiced my concerns that perhaps she was getting emotionally invested in him (and perhaps him to her). I shared my feelings with him and they both agreed that they should stop emailing. She admitted that she had become emotionally invested. My husband gave me her email address and I sent her a letter stating my disapproval and said my peace. After all, he's in a freaking war zone!! I also sent the same letter to her husband. (they both are teachers and email is available to the public). He wrote me back wanting to know details as I told them that this was emotional adultry in my view. Because I have no access to their email, I can only speculate. But the fact remains that she did admit to an emotional investment to my husband. (her husband knew that they were emailing, and had a problem with it at first). She wrote me back assuring me that there was nothing to worry about and that my husband loves me and our family very much. She also sent my email and her response to my husband after they had agreed not to email anymore. Am I worrying about something for nothing? I welcome your comments.