Former intimate partners as "friends"

[fnlyfrei]

My boyfriend...nearly my fiance'...has an ex girlfriend that he states is now his friend...and he believes that he should be able to go share the outdoor hobbies they enjoy...as well as dinner occasionally..without me being worried. Firstly, I have never met whatshername...and I do not know who left who or who ended the relationship really. And if I need to be secure and non-jealous...I should be given the same rights too...I should be able to go out to dinner and coffee with former men I have dated as friends. Somehow I do not think he will consider it the same for me. How do I approach this without starting (another) heated debate? I have talked to his mother about this...she says he is waaaay too insecure to handle me doing what he wants to do....but I figure if I am to trust him, he needs to do the same. I just don't feel comfortable with him nor I hanging about with people we have formerly slept with.

[herewegoagain]

If my gf wanted to do what your bf wants to do, then I would leave her in an instant. I would leave her as soon as she suggested doing something like that.

 

It is disrespectful to you for your bf to even mention that he wants to do so.

 

I think it is totally inappropriate to hang out with an ex, especially if they have slept with each other.

 

NO WAY - do not put up with that.

 

Walk away.

[Batya33]

I think it's fine to be friend with and see exes as long as the current partner has met the person and as long as the ex does not have remaining feelings for the SO/has moved on, etc. I am friendly with exes as is my boyfriend and I am totally fine with it for the most part. There is one ex, also a former co-worker of his who seems to still have feelings for him so he limits his contact to answering her calls when she calls and chatting briefly (for professional reasons) and has declined to see her socially when she has asked. As far as other exes - he sees one for lunch occasionally and I have met her, like her and am fine with it.

 

I could not be in a relationship with someone who had a bright line rule about no contact with exes- that sounds too possessive and controlling to me.

 

I also would be uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone who would find it disrespectful even to "mention" wanting to see an ex socially - that to me speaks volumes about that person's insecurity and need to control rather than to be in a partnership with someone.

 

To the OP - tell him that you want to meet the ex and to have the opportunity to make sure everything is ok and now completely platonic. If he refuses, I would have a problem with that.

[blender]

The ONLY way to be self respecting is if YOU are asked to JOIN him and her at dinner, and for outdoor events... ugh.... there is no room for a "private friend" within a loving, respectful, mature relationship. Set this standard for yourself, very clearly to him. Tell him it's fine if she is his friend, but that you would enjoy getting to know her as well, and if he still wants to keep "her separate" from your relationship, then it's time for you to "move on" and no longer allow YOURSELF to be in a less then respectful relationship with him...and let him be free to be with whomever he wants, so YOU can do the same.

 

Setting standards/values for your own heart is the only way to build a long lasting wonderful loving relationship. And if your partner does not cherish and share you standards/values, then you are heading for a whole lot of arguing, hanging on, and NOT growing as a couple, but instead get addicted to a "power struggle" and an emotionally unhealthy relationship in the long run.

[fnlyfrei]

Okay then...doesn't it seem insecure to HAVE to be with them on their "date"..doesn't that itself show I am worried? If I go along, what is to stop me from being overly, extra, showy nice to her to impress him? That is a load of manure too. I have no other reason to meet her except that they share a history...a history that I am not a part of. I have no real desire to make this person my friend...unless it is to make HIM happy. That feels hypocrytical.

[Beec]

Tell him you are going out with some other man pref. an ex, and play it up like you are, and plan to do so. If he puts up stink, then ask him how why? And hopefully he should come around and you should be able to come to some agreement. If he lets you go and does not complain, then just do it.

 

If he cannot come to some level, equal agreement, leave him, he's too self-centered to bother with for long.

[JulieW]

I've been in this situation before and the only time it works is when there is absolutely NO CHANCE of it happening again.

 

I had a friend years ago, that I fell head over heels in love with. He wasn't reciprocating but we stayed friends. He went away to Australia and when he came back, we talked about my feelings and how he felt about me blah blah.

 

We ended up in bed a couple of times and ironically, it helped our relationship because we got the sexual tension out of the way. Now we're completely comfortable with eachother to the point where we have been able to share a bed at times like a brother and sister.

 

There is nothing there anymore on that level.

 

I'm not saying that it's normal but if those feelings aren't there anymore, there isn't anything to worry about. Now this goes for both people of course. One party can't still be thinking about it. It is difficult to understand how it is possible to be sexual with someone and move on to plain friendship, unless you've experienced it.

 

I'm not someone who sees sex as no big deal so please understand that I'm not being flippant about how you feel.

[Batya33]

I have male friends I have dated where I would not want my bf along - because just like with any friends, having someone along who doesn't know them as well changes the dynamic and can make it awkward. My bf is fine with this and I would be fine with the opposite. I don't want to be in a relationship where I am monitoring everything he does/says. I agree that the alone time they spend probably should not be at a dinner or on a typical date night, etc or anything that screams "date."

[blender]

The FACT that he is sill in contact with her... and spending time with her, if that is NOT okay with you, then state it kindly and clearly and if HE does NOT choose to respecting of this boundary and your feelings, then you have to move on, let go of him and get back to your sense of self. And no you do not have to "pretend" to like her or get to know her for HIS sake, but you do have an option to do so for yourself, she might actually turn out to be a friend... but that is clearly up to you.. but the bigger issue is, HE IS NOT including you in this "friendship" he has with her.. this choice of his, well it's not respectful of you, it's not appropriate..

[Danny_W]

I agree with the posters that said you should meet this other person and make sure there are no lingering feelings. If there are and you can see it then I guess it's your right to put your foot down and say no.

[BellaDonna]

I think it's fine for people of the opposite sex to be friends.

 

I personally would not tolerate an intense friendship with an ex, in which my partner wanted to be alone with the person for lunch (unless they had kids together and were discussing parenting issues)

 

It would be different if his ex met you, or if he hung out with her in a group setting- I personally would never stand for lunch or dinner or hobby dates alone with an ex. I'd tell him he could have that kind of friendship with her- I just won't be around to deal with it.

 

In situations like that it makes me wonder why the bridge is not burned and what the point of keeping such a connection is??????

 

You have to do what is best for you. But my advice would be, if you don't like it, you certainly don't have to take it.

 

BellaDonna

[Batya33]

In my bf's case the ex he meets was not a long term girlfriend and they are colleagues who occasionally collaborate on projects so they meet for lunch during the work day mostly to catch up professionally. I am fine with this.

[fnlyfrei]

CASE IN POINT

 

I went out to meet my best girlfriend in a local pub she sometimes plays pool in. I haven't been out alone in months...so it was nice. Guess who I bump into? The ex bf who dumped ME before I met the person I am with now. Now, most of the reason we broke up was because he had TONS of female friends....close, close female friends. Some ex girlfriends...some were almost girlfriends but it did not work out according to him. So I had a problem with this...he said I was REALLY insecure and would NEVER give up girlfriends to please me. Okay...so we broke up. This is where it gets interesting.....

 

After him arguing endlessly that all these women were platonic friends...like "sisters" this is what happens....

 

He is dating someone new...cool. In our polite conversation..(we had not seen each other since the breakup) He says he still has feelings for me and if I just say the word...he is MINE. He still LOVES ME. thereforeeee shooting his "I am only true to one woman and all the others are just pals" theory. He knew full well I was dating someone else...and so is he.

 

Makes me feel justified in my first instincts before we broke up...

 

Needless to say, I do not talk to him. I respect my boyfriend too much to claim this other person is my friend. He isn't. Nor really is anyone else I have broken up with. I do not trust them to keep it just friends.

[renaissancewoman101]

I dont think it is wrong to be friends with your ex's, just as long as you and they can keep the feelings out of it. Sometimes our ex's know us better than any other person and it is good to be on good terms with people. I am close friends with an ex and although he can be a drama queen at times and be a dipcrap, he is one of the few people who understands me the most. The guy I did date long-term got to meet my ex and even hung out a few times all three of us. My best friend ex lived in the same city with me, while my current bf at that time, lived two hours from me, so he understood about the friendship between my ex and I.

 

Also, if you don't share the love of the same hobbies as your bf, he should be able to hang out with people that share those same hobbies. It doesnt mean that they are going to hook up or anything. They are just friends who share in a hobby that you may not care for.

 

I dont really like how people here come down hard on posters who are friends with their ex's. Sometimes, a friendship with an ex, shows the new SO that the person is compassionate and not some dipcrap who burns all bridges from the past.

[BellaDonna]

I dont really like how people here come down hard on posters who are friends with their ex's

 

I don't think that's what was happening here at all. I think some people are just saying they would not like in in their own relationship.

 

BellaDonna

[Batya33]

I don't think it's fair to ask your bf not to be friends with exes just because you had a bad experience with it. And talk is cheap - there are numerous situations where you will be tempted or someone will ask you out - and if you are attached, you act accordingly. Of course there are situations that are playing with fire - and of course there might be residual feelings but it's about balancing your partner's entitlement to have friends and a life apart from you - which I believe only enriches the relationship.

[fnlyfrei]

Dipcrap? I feel if you broke up there was a reason. And I also feel that you HAVE TO BURN SOME BRIDGES...if you aren't self-centered and want to maintain an honest and true relationship with your new SO...especially IF the ex dipcrap still has any feelings whatsoever, sexual or heartfelt...unless you are so narccisistic that you cannot consider how anyone else would feel but yourself !'

As for me in this situation.

I will push to meet her. If I get the vibes that they...either one of them are still having some kind of chemistry going on...(which I believe I am very in tune with....) I am outta there. I am done. I won't even argue or try to argue with him. Life is too short.

[fnlyfrei]

By the way, I am NOT a dipcrap. Just sometimes overly sensitive and insecure.

[renaissancewoman101]

Fnlyfrei, I DO think you should meet her and that your bf should have NO problem with it. If he does, then maybe he's hiding something. I am somewhat friends with my first ex (we broke up because he was gay) and when I told my bf at the time, that I was good friends with the gay ex, I made sure he met my ex best friend. We even went out and did things together as a group, a few times. But then I also hung out with the ex on my own because my current bf lived far away from me and there were times he and I couldnt see each other because of time or work constraints.

 

BTW, I wasn't calling you a dipcrap, ok. I was referring to your bf, how he WAS NOT a dipcrap since he didnt want to burn his bridges and completely cut out all the people from his past.

[Batya33]

Dipcrap? I feel if you broke up there was a reason. And I also feel that you HAVE TO BURN SOME BRIDGES...if you aren't self-centered and want to maintain an honest and true relationship with your new SO...especially IF the ex dipcrap still has any feelings whatsoever, sexual or heartfelt...unless you are so narccisistic that you cannot consider how anyone else would feel but yourself !'

As for me in this situation.

I will push to meet her. If I get the vibes that they...either one of them are still having some kind of chemistry going on...(which I believe I am very in tune with....) I am outta there. I am done. I won't even argue or try to argue with him. Life is too short.

 

Why burn bridges? Why can't people stay in touch with occasional "catch up" emails that could be published in the newspaper? Obviously relationships with exes often have to change when there is someone new in the picture but no need to burn bridges unless the ex is being disrespectful of the new relationship or otherwise behaving in an offensive way.

[Emmylu]

May I offer my point of view as "the other girl"? I sometimes see my ex-bf, who is now married. We have common interests and have dinner sometimes. Yes, I can understand if his wife feels bad about him seeing me. But so far she has not objected (as far as I know). I have no feelings for him, and I know he has no feelings for me. We don't think about each other when apart and there's zero attraction when together. And if there's any problem with the wife, I could stop seeing him right away and not miss him at all. I think the reason we get together sometimes is just because he doesn't have a lot of friends.

 

So yes, ex's can be just casual friends. But in your case, I think the biggest problem is that your bf has not been considerate of your feelings. Even if they are just friends, he should stop seeing her just because you asked him to stop.

[fnlyfrei]

Hmm...you state yourself as "The Other Girl" and you say you can understand if his wife feels bad about seeing you...why? If it is totally above board...why the slight hint of superiority? That is I guess is what would bother me too..the fact that the other girl would feel she somehow won his attention away from me. Meh...

And I think anyone can make friends. It is a personal and perhaps self-centered thing to prefer to have exes as friends. Or I guess maybe his wife might feel she is the one that "got him" and knows enough about the past relationship so that she has no worries...she was the "winner".

 

Okay, I feel better now that I vented.

[Emmylu]

No, the whole point is: I don't care. There is nothing to win or lose. I have no feelings for the ex. It's like... who cares. No...there is no superiority. Really, trust me, there isn't. You only think others feel superior when you're feeling inferior. Anyway, I'm just trying to help you feel better. If you're offended, well, ...whatever...

[amtjrtcet]

It is very disrespectful of him, no matter how long ago they dated and how much he loves you.

 

I have an ex, we'll call him "D". We dated for a while, then did the "friends with benefits" thing, dated again, it just never worked out. We always remained friends, kept in touch, had dinner sometimes.

 

Then I met my b/f. He knew of "D" and the relationship that we had. Out of love and respect for my b/f I cut off "close" contact with "D", without him askin me to. It just wasn't appropriate. When I see "D" we still speak, say hello, casual small talk. He'll call on holidays to say hi, and see how things are, but that's it.

 

If he loves you and respects you, your man should do the same. And his ex should understand.

[amtjrtcet]

No, the whole point is: I don't care. There is nothing to win or lose. I have no feelings for the ex. It's like... who cares. No...there is no superiority. Really, trust me, there isn't. You only think others feel superior when you're feeling inferior. Anyway, I'm just trying to help you feel better. If you're offended, well, ...whatever...

 

Yes! A wife most certainly has superiority over an ex-girlfriend who is now a friend.