he slept with a prostitute before he met me...

[Joneysnai]

So we were watching this biography show on discovery channel, it was about Benjamin..who was famous for his interest in prostitutes...so I asked my bf if he ever did one...he said only once and it was in the same bed we are currently sleep on...he said he was single and horny and desperate...it happened about 5 years ago...

 

He is quiet faithful with me and actually he is the one that I feel most secure with...but somehow thinking about it just grosses me out...he paid $350/hr so I guess he must have had a really good service...yuck...it bothers me so much...

 

wow that is pretty gross..

[fnlyfrei]

My ex wife didn't support anyone or do much domestic work, she had serious psych. problems that she hid and didn't say anything before the marriage which is illegal. I should have booted her out but I tried to make it work, so much for being a nice guy.

 

 

She came into the marriage w/ nothing, I already owned everything and there was a prenup. She was entitled to nothing under the law but her mother was a powerful state official and had the judge throw the prenup out.

 

 

I didn't compare her to a prostitute, I said it would have been cheaper.

 

I have lots of respect for myself, none for her or the crooked state officials.

Hmm, a tip? are you really that good??

 

 

 

Yeah...I am, what of it?

[MacGyverRI]

Hmm, a tip? are you really that good??

 

 

 

Yeah...I am, what of it?

 

LOL, confidence is sexy...

[dacanay]

Hey there,

 

i know its kinda bothersome that ur boyfriend did that, but you gotta understand that when that happened...he didnt have YOU! meaning he was lonely, alone, and like u said, desperate and horny. Now he's got YOU! he can focus his love on you! you said he's quite faithful right? so whats ur problem then? ur grossed out thathe had sex with a prostitute? guess what? so Did i..maybe 5 years ago as well, but now i have my girlfriend, i never think about doing it with some cheap woman i dont even like coz i have my girlfriend..besides, he's 5 years smarter now and is probably an improved man.

 

In my opinion, youre just making a big deal out of it. But i DO get your point that ur grossed out that it happened where you sleep, if tats your only issue, buy a new matress. problem solved

[lady00]

So we were watching this biography show on discovery channel, it was about Benjamin..who was famous for his interest in prostitutes...so I asked my bf if he ever did one...he said only once and it was in the same bed we are currently sleep on...he said he was single and horny and desperate...it happened about 5 years ago...

 

He is quiet faithful with me and actually he is the one that I feel most secure with...but somehow thinking about it just grosses me out...he paid $350/hr so I guess he must have had a really good service...yuck...it bothers me so much...

 

You know, if you had asked me this in the past, I would have said...hey it happened in the past, drop it. But the more I date, the more I realize relationships are (partly) about feelings. Feelings are irrational. Who knows why a particular person is attracted to someone and others not? Clearly, romantic feelings are irrational. Sure, there are other things required to make a relationship work out (compatibility, kindness, compassion etc.), but feelings are central. A person's behavior can and will change the way you feel about them as a partner. No one can tell you how you should feel. However you feel is up to you. It's based on your past experiences and your ideas of where you want to be in the future. Don't let anyone tell you your feelings are wrong (or right)...it doesn't matter...all that matters is how you feel about your boyfriend. Obviously, sometimes it matters what others are telling you to do but even, for example, in a situation where someone is being abused and they need to get out of the relationship, it probably will be hard for an outsider to change the way the person in the relationship feels, all they can do is give advice about what is rational (and safe) for that person to do and hope that the person gets out. If you feel disappointed but like him and want to stay with him nonetheless then do so.

 

My basic point is...go with your gut, go with how this makes you feel about your partner. If it makes you feel like you want to leave, there's nothing wrong with that. If it makes you feel like you still want to stay, nothing wrong with that either. You might try searching for a compromise (like getting a new bed so it helps you forget, if that's something that bothers you). Good luck whatever you decide.

 

Here's an example of why I think the way I do about this situation. It's totally different from your situation but I think it kind of demonstrates what I mean about letting your feelings do the thinking for you: A friend of mine once said to me that he didn't like the idea of dating multiple people at once and that if he was pursuing a girl and she was dating others he would stop pursuing her. I responded: "But you can't hold it against her for dating others if you are not an exclusive couple yet." And he replied "I can do whatever I want. It bothers me if a girl does that so I won't go after her." It made me realize that while one might say objectively, it's okay to date multiple people if you're not exclusive it doesn't matter to someone who doesn't have the same values. And there is nothing wrong with them having values that tell them to act differently from what "objective" outsiders are telling them.

[CanadianGirl]

For the record, I never said men don't fall in love.

 

I meant men don't often confuse sex with love.

 

Sex is an act. and if you believe love is an act than sex is love I guess.

 

Lets be honest, if a women sleeps with a man on the first date - chances are he's not going to call, let alone FALL IN LOVE because of the sex. We as women feel emotionally connected to a man after the sexual act which some ladies may confuse with love...that's my argument.

 

What I've experienced is that men DO fall in love, some easily, some not so easily...everyone is different...but in my experiences, men really seem to have a harder time getting over a broken heart than women...wonder why?

 

Oh, and the study on sexual partners is probably true. most ladies I know and have asked HONESTLY do cut down the number of partners they've had (due to double-standards...multiple partners in men=player/stud and multiple partners in women= ). I heard once that you can take the number of partners a women claims to have had and multiply that by 10 to get a more realistic number (dunno how true that is).

[MacGyverRI]

Lets be honest, if a women sleeps with a man on the first date - chances are he's not going to call, let alone FALL IN LOVE because of the sex.

 

What I've experienced is that men DO fall in love, some easily, some not so easily...everyone is different...but in my experiences, men really seem to have a harder time getting over a broken heart than women...wonder why?

 

Wrong, instant attraction happens all the time, when a 1st date goes so well that you melt into ea. other, I and most others feel she's a keeper. If it takes 5+ dates to feel something you should have let it go and moved on.

 

 

Simple answer, men have been used more than any women and it's easy to prove, try to find a divorce where the man actually gets something. Find a relationship where a girl spends all the money. That's why men are so hesitant.

[cantexplain]

RE QUOTE McGyverRI:

 

 

"Simple answer, men have been used more than any women and it's easy to prove, try to find a divorce where the man actually gets something. Find a relationship where a girl spends all the money. That's why men are so hesitant."

 

 

I am definitely not hesitant in my feelings - just very cautious about people - especially my romantic prospects.

 

While dating it should not be necesary to spend that much money if two people are genuinely connecting.

 

During a break-up it has been true about the money thing in my case, too. I guess I am stupid but when the relationship is obviously over I am eager to leave behind anything but the kids or dogs and then move on.

 

I don't want that material stuff. She can have it and let's be done with it.

 

I got my life and my improved, good sense.

[Luke Skywalker]

I appreciated the point that a woman can walk away after dinner is a great distinction from the prostitute arrangement.

 

No, there is no distinction. A prostitute/escort, etc... could take the cash and run. It's called cash and dash or something like that. So it's the same thing. Or they could put a whole bunch of restrictions on their service after the money is paid (i.e. only converation and no touching) because technically all you are paying for is time.

[Momene]

I've never been to a prostitute but have engaged in casual sex twice. I don't honestly see the difference.

[cantexplain]

Quote: "I've never been to a prostitute but have engaged in casual sex twice. I don't honestly see the difference."

 

I was thinking a lot about this whole thread last night.

 

I thought about the OP's feelings about her hubbie's pre-marriage past with a prostitute in their current and mutual bed.

 

I thought about the morality of prostitution.

 

I wrote yesterday that I did not feel that sex without love or paying for sex was immoral. I said that being dishonest about sex and love is immoral.

 

I still think that being dishonest about sex or love is immoral. And I am quite sure that once dishonesty enters a relationship, that the potential for the highest levels of intimacy are stifled. This is very unfair to the person in the relationship who doesn't know what they may be missing - all the while they are continuing to invest their soul and life into the relationship.

 

Upon further reflection: I think it is very important, at least to me, that I redress my contention that prostitution is not immoral.

 

My new conclusion today is that it is not immoral to receive money or favors for sex, but it is immoral to give money or favors for sex. It is a contribution to a potentially usurious situation that goes well beyond the exchanged sex act.

 

I am sure there are a few prostitutes who have got it together emotionally and really have chosen the profession because that is truly what they want to do - they love sex, don't mind the reputation, enjoy multiple partners - all that stuff .. but ...

 

But many prostitutes engage in their business because they feel they are forced to fuel addictions, because they are sex slaves, because they were childhood victims of abuse and somehow found themselves playing out that ritual as a prostitute - or other deep self-esteem obstacles.

 

thereforeeee I believe that supporting this marketplace with the almighty dollar is a really bad thing.

 

These people are somebody's daughter or sister or future partner and just the people they are themselves. Why would I want to contribute to any potential for further scars?

 

Now it is very clear to me that people should stay clear of prostitution as much as possible. How could one really know what their dollar is really feeding?

 

So the OP's heightened disgust with the hubbie's employ of prostitute is more understandable. It is very distinguishable from sex with a previous lover in the same bed.

 

The use of a prostitute is far more shallow than casual sex. It is likely harmful to the prostitute and the people who get caught up in that industry. (Even on a dinner date such an exchange seems like a power or control problem - not real respect, friendship, love, etc.)

 

So that is my new thinking from the point of view of the prostitutes.

 

________________________________________________________

 

 

Now, trying to get at the OP's possible point of view:

 

Let's consider that these prostitutes have engaged in so much loveless sex in time - and the men who become a part of that history - carry a different experience forward than say a guy who has slept around casually with lovers exchanging affection for affection.

 

The reason I feel that way is last night I imagined how I would feel if I fell deeply in love with a woman and then found out she was previously a prostitute for a period in her life.

 

I know me well enough that my real love for her would really work on getting past this - and I would feel an increased compassion and concern for her experience getting into this business and then getting out of it. Still, I would also have to overcome this feeling of how much sexless love in exchange for money had occurred surrounding her sexual self that was now being shared with me. It would be difficult. It would be a bit more difficult to feel special. It would take time, and likely a bunch of work on my part to be able to connect as fully as both people would deserve.

 

And now this woman's husband is connected to that in his past, in their bed.

 

Thus I think all the ewws and yucks are well-deserved. There is more for these two people (the OP and her husband) to deal with here than if this was a casual sexual history occurring in the same bed.

 

Finally, it seems likely that this did not occur just once - but she may never know. It shows that at least one stage this man objectified women. This wife needs to keep an eye out for that in her current relationship with him.

[valiantv]

maybe it's time to throw away those stupid moral values...

Definitely! Don't go robbing banks or dealing drugs or anything, but these morals for the sake of morals have no place in civilised society!

 

Regarding this specific one, I can only speak from a male point of view, but it was 5 years ago, he's a changed man (most people change a bit over that time), there's nothing he can do about it now. If I were you I'd let it go. I agree with annie24, be happy he trusted you to tell you the truth.

 

It shows that at least one stage this man objectified women.

A common fault of us mortals, I would doubt that anyone here has not, at some stage, objectified someone or thought of them in a manner other than a fully-fledged human being.

 

The most immoral thing I would say about prostitution is that there is the possibility that the prostitute is not doing it of their own free will - there may be drug addiction, or a nasty pimp or a human trafficker involved. In this case (well maybe not in the case of a drug addiction), using the prostitute is akin to rape.

 

Other than that, prostitution may be highly undignified and distasteful, but it's not immoral - no one is getting hurt or misled.

[rocio]

My new conclusion today is that it is not immoral to receive money or favors for sex, but it is immoral to give money or favors for sex. It is a contribution to a potentially usurious situation that goes well beyond the exchanged sex act.

 

This is my opinion also.

[Momene]

Sexual attitudes are changing all the time. It's now very common for people to go through a "promiscuous period" in their lives, although only a few people did when I was young. When I lived with my ex-wife before getting married, it was only just becoming "acceptable" for normal people (i.e. not celebrities) to do it.

 

If I were single again, I don't feel attracted to the idea of sex outside a relationship, whether it be with a prostitute or a one night fling. I don't criticise those who do, it's a matter of personal choice. I also recognise that people's personal choices change over the years. I think also that when in a relationship, the most important thing is what your partner is like NOW and not what they were like many years ago.

[cantexplain]

I read somewhere that this has actually been on the decline in recent decades.

 

More and more people are choosing monagamy at earlier ages, again. At least in America.

 

My generation is a bit more monogamous than the one which preceded mine (where open relationships peaked) - and the generation which followed mine is more monogamous, again.

 

And what you say that if you were younger reflects another trend - that as people age, on average, they tend to choose monogamy over open singledom. This is also true about lying. Older people tend to have more rigid ideas about dishonesty than do younger people.

 

I might argue that these things are a process of socialisation - and that promiscuity and deception come more naturally.

[cantexplain]

A common fault of us mortals, I would doubt that anyone here has not, at some stage, objectified someone or thought of them in a manner other than a fully-fledged human being.

 

 

I agree we should not beat up each other about our objectification faux pas -especially just one that occurred 5 years prior.

 

For a lot of people I do think that real love is something which is learned. I knew that I loved someone when I had my first love. But I still had to learn how to do it in a respectful and mutual way. This is likely due to the fact that my parents were also not a ggod example of a loving couple.

 

Also, our culture hammers us with glorified objectification in advertising media and through violence and sex on the boob tube.

 

thereforeeee, actually seeing the objectification of our love "objects', as being something which is not love or is wrong and unfair to the other, is a real hard thing to keep a hold on with all these other social messages which appeal to our more base feelings and proclivities.

[cantexplain]

My new conclusion today is that it is not immoral to receive money or favors for sex, but it is immoral to give money or favors for sex. It is a contribution to a potentially usurious situation that goes well beyond the exchanged sex act.

 

 

I thought of something I want to add to this thread: something about this topic of morality.

 

To be more clear I should have written above:

 

"me receiving money for sex is not immoral, but me paying money for sex is."

 

I do not want to take my values and impose them on others. What if I were wrong? I should only risk issues of moral correctness with regards to my own behavior.

 

For example, I feel it is not my place to decide whether a serial killer goes to heaven or hell, if I believed in such constructs. That is for the universe to decide, if it even does such things.

 

But I can decide that it is not right for me to kill. And I can decide that I want to protect myself from killers. This, for me, also means I won't take any risks or waste my time hanging with them or contributing to their killing which defies my own values. Otherwise I would be defying my own morality through contrition.

 

I wanted to clarify this morality stuff.

 

This woman's husband sounds honest. This is the main thing for their relationship in the present, in my opinion.

[Caterina]

I met a guy like this. I didn't know him overly well and he treated me with respect in the time I knew him but it was really weird to know that he was involved with stripper/prostitute types in his past. It kind of makes me wonder if he has some issues with sexually objectifying women. I'd be freaked as well...its hard to trust with knowledge like this but you are the one who knows him best....

[Batya33]

I might be friends with a person who had behaved like that but I would not want to be in a serious relationship with that person. The moral issue is different depending on whether you work with that person, are friends with that person or want to share your life and potentially a family with that person.

[Luke Skywalker]

Yeah, a guy shouldn't be honest about his sexual past about seeing prostitutes. My dad saw like 20-30 prostitutes and claimed he was a virgin before marrying my mom (back then they had less diseases) and my mom was disgusted when she found out, based on a discussion I had with dad last November. But if he was honest then I would not be born.

 

Old habits crept into the marriage, and my dad took a stripper to Miami while claiming to my mom it was a business trip and did all sorts of crappy stuff. Once my mom had a call on the phone of a girl claiming my dad owed her mom for her 'services', and that my dad said that he was going to divorce mom and marry her because she was prettier than my mom.

 

All I can say is my mom is a devout Christian woman. If she wasn't, she would have divorced my dad over ten times by now.

[Batya33]

"I might be friends with a person who had behaved like that but I would not want to be in a serious relationship with that person. The moral issue is different depending on whether you work with that person, are friends with that person or want to share your life and potentially a family with that person."

 

Thanks for sharing your judgments of my values, Lindsay, but that above is what I wrote - not what you claimed I wrote, which twisted my words. No I would not have a serious relationship with someone who used illegal drugs now or recently but I probably would be friendly with the person, all else being equal. I go to many parties where there is alcohol and I drink but I don't get drunk. No, I would not want to be romantically involved with someone who got drunk all the time or was an alcoholic, but I might be friends with the person.

 

Yes, it is in part a moral/values issue - I would not marry someone who did not have compatible moral values with me and I only date people I would potentially marry. It's also a health issue when it comes to prostitutes, illegal drug use and excessive drinking.

 

Good luck to you and thanks again for sharing - but please read the post next time before judging someone's values.

[Caterina]

Honestly, I'm surprised by many of the male responses in this thread. Call me naive but I think more highly of most men then to see posts like this.

[cantexplain]

Luke, this is great post for this thread. It highlights that past behavior is an indicator of future behavior. It shows if we omit truth it eventually comes out again some way or another. It shows that it is a bad idea to think that we don't carry our past with us into future, intimate relationships. It also brings up this question of kids in the middle of these things.

 

I am sorry to hear this about your dad. Mine was pretty bad, too - use to cheat and pick up lots of "strange" in bars even claiming that he didn't get it at home to generate some pity or other excuse for fleeting passion. He also told me he didn't see prostitutes. All this he admitted to me late in his life -after 7 marriages.

 

But I find your idea that you would not have been born intriguing.

 

I'd like to argue that the essential you would have been born - just into a different family.

 

I can't prove this, but just feel it. I have thought about this before for myself.

 

Also, I would not want to be anyone else than I am.

 

Could have benefitted from better parents, though.

[Luke Skywalker]

My dad wasted all his money on , now my mom has supported him for the past ten years like a teenager, and also tries to restrict his freedom too with house rules and my dad cant do anything about it. So, we are like both brothers living with a single mother.

[valiantv]

eah, a guy shouldn't be honest about his sexual past about seeing prostitutes. My dad saw like 20-30 prostitutes and claimed he was a virgin before marrying my mom (back then they had less diseases) and my mom was disgusted when she found out, based on a discussion I had with dad last November.

Hmmm... sorry to hear about that, but I think the difference here is between 20-30 prostitutes, and one prostitute 5 years ago. It's hardly a habit...