Update on my Situation

[anggrace]

I think he SHOULD drop off her stuff because having it around and waiting for her is making the situation worse. I think if he drops it off and doesnt try to talk, just leaves, its okay. Thats not stalking. She is dragging it on by not returning his emails and not getting her stuff. She wants him to hurt as she does. Its working. If getting rid of her stuff and not wondering when she's going to contact him will make him feel better, Thats what he should do.

[ImThatGirl]

I think he SHOULD drop off her stuff because having it around and waiting for her is making the situation worse. I think if he drops it off and doesnt try to talk, just leaves, its okay. Thats not stalking. She is dragging it on by not returning his emails and not getting her stuff. She wants him to hurt as she does. Its working. If getting rid of her stuff and not wondering when she's going to contact him will make him feel better, Thats what he should do.

 

If it were only her stuff that was the issue, that'd make sense. But she also has his stuff.

 

So - yeah - he'd drop her stuff off and then it would be all about "when's he going to get his stuff."

[GoingForIt_77]

I never said that I would "threaten" to throw anything out. I merely said that I would ask her what we are doing in regards to the exchange and if she can please let me know. I then went onto say that if she does not, or cannot offer me that common courteousy of replying to something that concerns both of us (she has my stuff as well) and chooses to blow it off and me in the process, then I will have to reconsider wanting to keep her stuff at my place.

 

She asked me for space 12 days ago. I was going strong for 7 days until she emailed me about her stuff and nothing more. Yes, I waited a day and a half (not 3 days and counting), because I was taken aback and wasn't sure how to take it. When I did reply, it was kind, respectful and I apologized for not having gotten back to her sooner than I did. She replied IMMEDIATELY (which throws me off even more now) and then I replied to her, suggesting another date and asked her to please get back to me and let me know if it's okay with her. Seeing SHE was the one who wanted HER stuff back so quickly and it was so important that she chose to contact me for it, to NOW keeping me waiting for days on end is NOT right and not fair and I am entitled to feel the way that I am. I am NOT reacting on it. I am merely venting on here with a bunch of judgemental people.

[GoingForIt_77]

Thank you for supporting me Ang. Nice to know that there is at least one sympathetic person out there. I really appreciate the kind words Ang

 

I'm that Girl, this won't be ALL about "when I am getting MY stuff".

 

I have been respectful to her and kind and have made NO demands on her. I have put NO pressure on her. No one here can see that.

[SarahRose]

I think you are just hanging on to her stuff to try to control the situation; holding it over her head so to speak.

 

By trying to dictate the exact date and time; more control. I suspect any date and time she suggests won't ever be convenient for you.

 

She suggested Friday after work and you said it wasn't ok but you were on here posting for several hours last night.

 

Several people suggested mailing her things. That would mean giving up control. You could drop her things off at her parents...that's right her Dad doesn't want you around...why is that?

 

I think you need to work with your therapist more and tell them the truth. Abusers have a way of distorting the truth like you saying you have been 100% respectful since the break up. You had a bit amnesia about that first week were you hounded her and stalked her making her cry and her boss telling you to leave. That wasn't respectful.

 

Say whatever nasty thing you like to me but I am just speaking the truth. Abusive controlling tendencies are deeply ingrained and not something that is overcome with a few therapy sessions.

[GoingForIt_77]

Sarah Rose, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE stop writing on here. You do nothing but put me down.

 

I am not trying to control anything. I am legitimely busy this weekend and will not be around.

 

Her BEST gf wants to be my friend. Doesn't that tell you that I'm not that bad of a guy.

 

I am being respectful to her and am NOT imposing myself on her, as you are on ME.

 

I am being patient and as accomodating as possible.

 

The 4 or 5 women that keep coming back on my thread and let out their own frustrations from their own failed relationships need to realize that I am NOT your ex and I am NOT your punching bags.

 

I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED support and kindness from people on here and not to be put down, SO PLEASE, stop posting on here if all you have to do is put me down to make yourselves feel better, because you can't say those things to your own ex's.

[chocolady]

The point I am trying to make is that you MIGHT possibly HAVE TO accept that she wants you out of her life forever and you should start thinking about that. It might not go your way.

 

And actually I am not a girl, I am a 43 year old widow who was married for happy 18 years to my childhood sweetheart so I know what makes a good relationship and how to make it work. But I also know that you have to accept that some things are beyond our control and have to be accepted.

 

I have NEVER emailed you. I have made two posts on this thread besides this one, thats all.

 

And I HAVE read her last mail to you and ALL your other posts and have noticed that you either become angry or ignore every single one of those posters who tell you something that you don't want to hear, including me it seems. But you seem to be missing the fact that every one of those posters, including me, has your best interests at heart, we don't want you to end up hurt or lost in heartache, become overwhelmed or obsessive to the point that you can't accept or let go. Even if it is difficult to listen to or believe, it's true.

 

GIRL POWER - If it makes your anger at me feel more justified.

[GoingForIt_77]

I am not angry chocolady. I am frustrated with how SHE is dragging this out, when all she wanted was her space and that's what I was giving her. She asked if we can make the exchange on the weekend, or on a Friday night. She expected me to be home on Friday night at 10:00pm and seeing I wasn't, I then get ignored?? How is that fair?

 

It's NOT and I am now getting punished for stuff I did to her, when all I've been doing since she left me is showing her remorse, respect and kindness.

[sadk]

SHE broke NC

 

This is one example, but it seems to me that there is a dynamic from your past that continues now even though you think you have changed. You're still getting involved in power struggles. I'm speaking from experience here, so trust me, I'm not judging you, just trying to offer the benefits of that experience.

 

Technically, she broke NC, and people who engage in power struggles thrive on technicalities. But she probably thinks that a) she wants her stuff back and b) not having her stuff means something is hanging over her head. So, to fully engage in NC, she needs this one final act.

 

If you want to move on, don't engage in the power struggle, don't use the energy that comes from being righteous. She wants her stuff, she wants to do it at a specific time in a specific way, just do it that way.

 

Knowing how to yield is strength.

The generals have a saying:

"Rather than make the first move

it is better to wait and see.

Rather than advance an inch

it is better to retreat a yard."

 

This is called

going forward without advancing,

pushing back without using weapons.

 

There is no greater misfortune

than underestimating your enemy.

Underestimating your enemy

means thinking that she is evil.

Thus you destroy your three treasures

and become an enemy yourself.

[GoingForIt_77]

SADK, you make a lot of sense man.

 

Thing is, I am trying to give her everything she needs.

 

1. Understanding her feelings.

 

2. Dealing with it.

 

3. Letting her to do what she needs to do for herself.

 

4. Respecting her decision and her space.

 

5. Trying to be as accomodating her as possible with her requests.

 

This last point is where I am in conflict now and it is not so much one of power or not, but more so the fact that I truly was not able to do it this weekend and that should not and more so, she has NO right to hold that against me.

 

Entering into NC for awhile, or forever is what we may both need to heal a little bit and so that I can get strong in myself and so that she can either meet someone new, or decide that she can let go of what I did to her with time.

 

As long as this is now being prolonged and it is not I who is prolonging it, the longer we have to wait for NC to occur and so, I am starting to feel that I must break NC and call her tomorrow or Monday and find out what is happening and what she'd like to do concerning this exchange and gauge from there as to where we should go.

 

As for me wanting to move on was not what I said and I've never said that. I am on THIS forum for a reason. I love her and would love to still have her in my life, but I am realizing that that is not possible at this point in time, as long as she is harboring and holding onto this hurt and fear. I can't make that go away over night and surely not now and so I'm doing what's safest and what is right, which is giving her what she asks for and needs.

[ImThatGirl]

I just have to point something out.

 

1) Yes you need support. And we are here to support you and help you to see things outside of the box.

 

2) You seem to be asking for input but if it strays from what you want to hear, you do get upset.

 

3) If we all got on this site and agreed with everything everyone had to say (whether logical or not / rather rational or not,) we would be ENABLING them.

 

We're not enablers. We're here to help each other.

 

We are trying to see you this from another perspective. A perspective that would be healthier for both of you. But I'm starting to think it's your way or the highway......

[ImThatGirl]

.........................

[Siriana]

After over a week of STRAIGHT NC, I received an email from my ex tonight. It was pretty formal and to the point. Saying hi and that she wanted to know if she could come by THIS Saturday afternoon at some point to drop off my stuff and pick up hers. She asked me if that would be okay with me and to please let her know. That was it.

 

I think she wants her stuff back. And thats it.

Also i think that you should answer her not playing games and agree to send the stuff instead her picking it up.

Also, her BEST friend has sent me an invite to HER (her best friend) facebook account, wrote a comment on my page and sent me a personal email saying "Dan just because you are not together with "ex's name", I thought that maybe WE can still talk. You seemed pretty cool."

 

I think her best friend is not really her best friend, and also I think she's not such a good person.

 

Very important: Letting go in your situation means no playing games and no contact and returning the stuff. This girl is unfortunatelly not interested in you anymore. If you continue playing the games (and you do that) than you'll still trying to control her and to be in control.

 

Alos seeking advice means carefully thinking about other people responces, no need to justify your actions. So after evry responce you need to take some time to think about it. The thread is going to be shorter, but the help you receive will be more efficient.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The 4 or 5 women that keep coming back on my thread and let out their own frustrations from their own failed relationships need to realize that I am NOT your ex and I am NOT your punching bags.

 

ummm... wow, dude.... you have repeatedly asked for advice, and people are kindly taking their time to try to answer your questions with their opinion to help you get over a breakup...

 

then if they say something you don't want to hear, like it looks like your relationship may be over based on what is going on, just their OPINION, you respond with something verbally abusive and call them bitter women or whatever... i'm really seeing why your ex is not contacting you, if this is how things went between you and her...

 

but no problemo, i'm outta this thread...

[GoingForIt_77]

Syrix, I know she wants her stuff back and I am trying to be accomodating. I am NOT sending stuff that weigh about 30 pounds in the mail. I am not spending at least a couple hundred of dollars at this point in time. There's also the matter of her having my stuff as well.

 

It is not easy on me either at this stage. Once she realizes that I am NOT reacting to her in the way that I used to and feels more comfortable with me, then she will not fear meeting me. Perhaps maybe it is not a bad idea if some time passes before we actually meet up to make the exchange. Maybe space and time will allow her fear to dissipate and see me in a more positive light.

 

I will continue to put absolutely NO pressure on her. NO demands. I will accommodate her needs as much as I can, as long as they don't interfere with my own progress with myself in the process.

 

I believe that I WILL wait to hear back from her on this, even though my instincts are telling me to wait until Sunday or Monday night to contact her and gently ask her what she'd like to do, without making her feel bad for not getting back to me. I'm not sure about that though.

[ImThatGirl]

Still though.... GFI, correct me if I'm wrong.

 

You are trying to reflect patience, etc for one reason. With the hopes of getting her back.

 

Are you going to accept it calmly and with patience, etc. if she picks her stuff up and leaves? Or if she tells you "thanks for my stuff - have a good life?"

 

Or are you going to respond with: "I've shown you I can be a better person and this is what I get?"

 

Just curious really.

[GoingForIt_77]

I'm That Girl, it's too bad you think the worst of me. To answer you questions.

 

"You are trying to reflect patience, etc for one reason. With the hopes of getting her back."

 

Answer: No. I am reflecting patience because I am respecting her wishes. It's as simple as that. If as a result of having done so, she opens up a bit to me, then so the better, but that is not my ultimate goal here.

 

"Are you going to accept it calmly and with patience, etc. if she picks her stuff up and leaves?"

 

Answer: Absolutely. I will continue to respect her as I've done since she left me.

 

"Or if she tells you "thanks for my stuff - have a good life?"

 

Answer: WOW, that's harsh. She won't be saying that. She just won't. If she does, well, I will smile and thank her as well. You see, I may never be back with her in any capacity, but people's feelings do change in time. I won't be holding onto it forever, but I may in the future look her up and see where she's at. That time is not now though.

 

"Or are you going to respond with: "I've shown you I can be a better person and this is what I get?"

 

Answer: Absolutely not. I am NOT respecting her so that I can get a reaction out of her. I am doing it because it is what she is asking for and that's enough of a reason.

[ImThatGirl]

I'm not trying to be harsh.

[GoingForIt_77]

Syrix,

 

She most definitely was not interested in what I had to offer at the end. I don't blame her. She saw the SWEET and LOVING and SUPPORTIVE Dan and then she saw that other side of me.

 

Since she has left me, I have not shown that other side of me to her AT ALL and yes, I am going for help during the week.

 

I come on here to bounce ideas off of people. Sometimes I will decide to do what someone suggests, if it feels right for me, but at the end of the day, I am my own person, who is learning to hold back and not act based on my emotions. This is my sounding board, but in the real world, I am playing it cool with my ex and am doing all the right things imo.

 

And so, I wait and do nothing in the interim, with exception to getting stronger and be proud of my recent actions.

[sadk]

As for me wanting to move on was not what I said and I've never said that. I am on THIS forum for a reason. I love her and would love to still have her in my life, but I am realizing that that is not possible at this point in time, as long as she is harboring and holding onto this hurt and fear. I can't make that go away over night and surely not now and so I'm doing what's safest and what is right, which is giving her what she asks for and needs.

 

I've been exactly where you are, and reading what you are writing, I wish I could go back. About six months after we split -- six months in which I told myself all the kinds of things you are saying -- I had a revelation. I had hurt her by not accepting her fully for who she was. It was then that I knew that everything I was doing was also because I was not accepting her decision. She had loved a certain man who was completely independent, but who could connect with her naturally without ever having to even try. For six months, I was trying, and I think she could sense that I was trying. And what I was trying to do was make her feel a certain way. What I was trying to do was find some subtle way to control how she felt. It was supposed to be so subtle that she would never know that I was trying to make her love me again.

 

This is not about making someone love you or me. That's not how love works. Once I realized that, I knew that in my own way, I had continued to hurt her even though it looked like I was some kind of knight on a white horse.

 

At that point, I knew I had to let go. It's been a year and a half. We rarely go more than a few days without catching up in some way. So, there is something there. But I had to let go of the past. Whatever our relationship is going to be, friendship or whatever, it's not going to be based on connecting to the past. It's going to be based on two people and how they connect. The first time, you want to know how much time I spent analyzing and figuring out how to impress her? Exactly zero. I was just getting on with my life and every now and then, we'd connect, then get on with our lives again, connect, get on with our lives. Then one day, we realized we were in love.

 

Recently, I wrote to her to raise some issues I thought were worth discussing. She replied that she didn't want that level of relationship. She wanted something lighter and asked if I thought we could do that. I thought about it, and you know what happened? I felt like saying a bunch of things, but I knew the nature of those things was that I felt out of control. I knew she had every right to ask for us to conduct ourselves in whatever form made her comfortable. I had flashbacks to other times when she told me she was uncomfortable with a certain thing, and how I'd argued with her.

 

See the kind of person who is controlling doesn't just turn it off one day. It keeps coming back and trying to take over. I don't think getting these urges or getting feelings of resentment makes me a bad person. But it's what I do with them. I used to lash out, blame, judge, condemn, etc. Now, 90% of the time, I see what is happening right away. The other 10%, it usually takes me some time to get it. In either case, I need to be alone or with friends who support me -- not enable me. Then I see it from the other point of view.

 

My answer to her, was of course we could have a light relationship. And it's been good. Letting go of controlling someone actually feels good.

 

It's been two weeks and you think you are getting somewhere. My guess is, like me, in a year you'll realize how stupid you were. But I don' think you are going to get it for quite some time. And these things you are doing now... it doesn't matter how much she loved you or you loved her, you are going to make the situation even worse. I even suspect that 12 months from now I will see some of the things I'm doing now and think they were stupid, so don't feel bad about it. It's a journey.

 

Bottom line is this. More than you love her, you miss her. You want that pain to stop more than you want her pain to stop. It's out of balance. And it's not her fault you miss her, nor is it her issue to deal with. It's yours. As you deal with all your issues, you'll be able to love better. Trust me on this one thing, if you loved her, you would see how much pain she is and you'd be doing whatever you could to alleviate that pain regardless of the inconvenience, the "rudeness", the "she did this", or whatever.

 

But I think it's going to take you time to get there. You're going to do your best, but you are going to make mistakes, and no advice on here will prevent that. I have nothing more to offer here except thanks. You showed me that I still have a little more to do on my side. Anytime I don't get the desired response to a certain deed, I know that I didn't give of myself freely. It was a bargaining deed. And I still do that to some degree. So, thanks for showing me that. And good luck.

[majord23]

SADK, you make a lot of sense man.

 

Thing is, I am trying to give her everything she needs.

 

1. Understanding her feelings.

 

2. Dealing with it.

 

3. Letting her to do what she needs to do for herself.

 

4. Respecting her decision and her space.

 

5. Trying to be as accomodating her as possible with her requests.

 

GFI,

You seem to be getting defensive when people offer you advice that conflicts with your 'plan' or questions your motives.

Take a moment to think about why people post here (both in this thread and on the boards).

People are here because they are either hurting themselves or have been hurt in the past. They post here because they know how hard it can be to go through a break-up, how hard it can be to wake up without the person they love still in their lives.

The motivation for people posting here is because they want to help others through the experience that they have experienced (or are experiencing) themselves.

Noone here wants anyone to fail. We all want every person going through pain to either get their ex back, or to heal. You are no different - you are someone on ENA that is hurting and wants the pain to stop. The people on this thread are trying to help you through this. It's natural to feel attacked when people's views consistently conflict with your own - but don't mistake conflicting views as us not caring. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are trying to make this as 'easy' as possible for you...and also give you the best chance of getting your ex back (believe it or not).

You may feel frustrated with some posters, and that's fine. But also know that the frustration can work both ways - when we see someone who might be about to make mistakes we have made ourselves (or seen made by others) and doesn't seem to realise it. You don't have to agree with everything that is said to you here (and what a boring world it would be if we all agreed). But I do ask that you at least listen and take on board some of the advice you are being given - that doesn't mean that you have to follow it....but just know that it is being given with nothing but the best of intentions.

 

There is nothing worse than acting on emotion and regretting it later (sometimes the regret lasts years). I have had friends that told me to avoid doing certain things after a break-up years ago. Did I listen? Of course not...hell, I knew myself, my ex and the situation better than any of them - but do you know what? They were completely, unequivocally, 100% right. They had objective eyes - and once my emotions had subsided, so did I.

That's why I post here - as do many others. We want to be the objective eyes for people who are (at the moment) too emotional to possess a set themselves.

 

Now to your quote above GFI. Have a really close look at what you've written mate - that is exactly what you should be doing, THAT is a great plan...but only if you are *really* doing it & not merely attempting to appear that way to her.

Now think about what you're going through now (in relation to her not replying to your email yet). You have to ask yourself this: If you were truly doing all of the above that you have stated, would you be so concerned about her lack of a response?

 

Try to see it from her point of view:

Yes, she broke NC and emailed you regarding swapping stuff. BUT, she may have been having a 'good' day when she emailed you (I'm sure you have good and bad days). Then she may have decided that she wasn't ready yet - so has delayed getting back to you. Completely plausible and understandable.

 

You have stated that you are trying to understand her feelings and letting her do what she needs to do for herself - well maybe her not replying (at the moment) is everything to do with how she is feeling and is also what she needs to do for herself.

 

Don't perceive her lack of a response as her 'punishing' you - that is probably the furthest thing from the truth. Realise that everything that she is doing at the moment...whether it be going out with friends, posting on facebook, being flaky, not responding to you straight away...is all about what she 'needs to do'...and if your goal is to respect her needs at this particular time - then do so.

 

Don't follow up on your email. Leave it with her...she will contact you when she is ready.

Ask yourself this mate:

What would the "Old GFI" do? My guess is that he would pursue this issue until it was resolved (ie go to her work, or call her, or send another email etc.)

BUT you don't want to be that guy anymore GFI. You want to show her that you are a new man....and I think a pretty good start would to be to just leave this issue for now.

Turning up to her work with her stuff, or contacting her again will not be perceived (by her) as respecting her wishes....leaving her alone for now most certainly will.

[lady00]

GFI,

 

Try to see it from her point of view:

Yes, she broke NC and emailed you regarding swapping stuff. BUT, she may have been having a 'good' day when she emailed you (I'm sure you have good and bad days). Then she may have decided that she wasn't ready yet - so has delayed getting back to you. Completely plausible and understandable.

 

 

I agree. It's entirely possible that she is going through this...the kind of uncertainty where she's not sure if she's ready to see you yet. She may not be really ignoring or avoiding getting back to you on purpose. Maybe she fears that when she replies it will solidify the arrangement and it will make her seeing you a concrete reality. Maybe she is scared of the emotions it will bring up. I'd say...give her time. Unless there is something she has of yours that you urgently must have...just try to be patient with her. It's tough on her too and maybe she's just having a rough patch. Good luck with everything. Try to be accomodating but I agree with you that you should not break plans you already had just to fit her schedule unless the other plans you have are not important.

[breeze33]

Great post, majord.'

 

Actions speak louder than words and to do nothing is an action itself. GFI, for now, leave it be. If you are growing to become a better person, try to understand the difficulty she is going through. It's not a power play anymore or a game. It's a tough mourning time for both of you. I suspect she realized she was not ready to contact you again.

 

But for now, let it go, and heal yourself.

[GoingForIt_77]

Major, Lady, Breeze and others,

 

All of your words this evening have meant a lot to me. They really have.

 

You see, for the first time, I am trying to actually apply that whole principle of let your actions speak louder than your words ever could.

 

I don't want a pat on the back, but I am proud of my actions since I pushed her away and she was forced to leave me, in order to save herself.

 

What I also realize is that when she contacted me on Monday so that we could make the exchange, I believe that she wasn't expecting to get the reaction she got from me and that in itself may have set up some inner conflict for her to deal with.

 

She was probably expecting an angry, upset, hurt, judgemental guy who wanted to impose HIS feelings onto her. She didn't get that. She got the opposite and I believe she got scared, because it confused her and perhaps may have even made her doubt herself and so, she backed off.

 

I don't regret the way I handled it. In fact, I am astonished that I handled it so maturely and well. I am not saying her having reached out was a test, to gauge where I was at and how I would react to her short and business like emails, knowing fully well that the old Dan would have reacted based on his emotions and would have critized, etc, and so, if it was a test on her part (unconsciously driven), I passed it and that may have thrown her off. She is for all intent and purposes trying to make sense of things. If I would have handled it less respectfully, she would have had all the justification she would have needed to know that she made the right decision.

 

So, as the last few posters have said, I am doing the right thing right now. No, I will not follow up on my Wednesday/Thursday emails to her.

 

I will let her come reply to me on her own when and if she is ready to. I can't fully figure out if what I just outlined is really what is going on with her, but I do know that I am NOT making the situation worse by respecting her and giving her all that she deserved all along.

 

I wonder how this will further transpire. I have never been down this road. I have always pushed and pushed AFTER the break-up and ALWAYS made them never regret their decision in having left me. This is new to me. VERY new.

[GoingForIt_77]

Just to further capitalize on what I just wrote, I would like to point out that when she contacted me, she had ALL intentions to come over, which would have involved having had to see me in person, expecting to see the "old Dan", however, based on my email replies to her and having conducted myself in a FAR different manner than I ever had with her and so, even though she had ALL intentions of coming over and getting her stuff, in order to get it over with and out of the way, CHANGED.

 

My reply really did throw her off and I am sure that if I were in her shoes and was treated the way she had been treated (never knowing what to expect from me and always having had to be on guard and on her best behavior) and then getting the reaction I gave her, I am sure that it would have caused me confusion and maybe I would have realized that I wasn't ready to meet someone who I loved who I just left, because of what he did to me and NOW, all I wanted was to get my stuff and forget about him, but then I get thie pleasant and understanding response, void of any pressure, guilt or feelings.

 

I am not 100% sure this is how my replies to her made her feel, but I know that it is probably making it harder on her in the sense that she may not be as confident in the decision she had maybe 2 and a half weeks ago as she is today.

 

I mean, facing me today, is like facing the man she met and not the one she left. That really could be why she can't deal with that. It would have been a lot easier to deal with the old Dan who she left (ending things on a bad note).