Update on my Situation

[GoingForIt_77]

Guys, while I don't really feel that I owe anyone on here an explanation as to my intentions, or motives, or feel the need to justify my actions, I would like everyone to know that I am NOT trying to hurt her, or punish her.

 

Everyone here is telling me that she is never coming back. You all may be right. I have been respecting her since the break-up (2 weeks tomorrow), because that is what she deserves.

 

I have not imposed myself on her. She contacted me last night on her own free will. Her best friend contacted me last night for reasons unknown?

 

No, I have not replied to her email as of yet and I may not do it until tomorrow. I am not available this weekend to make the exchange, but please understand this. I am NOT condemning her for making her email brief and emotionless. When I reply, it will be myself NOT going into anything heavy, or deep, or related to the relationship.

 

I AM letting her live her life right now and she IS. I am living my life right now as well (just got back from a long day at work and today was her first day at her new job (one I helped her get).

 

I am not overstepping my boundaries and I am not pushing myself on her. I am continuing to be respectful to her and that's exactly what she deserves.

 

I have admitted to having made mistakes and having been a little too hard on her sometimes and I have apologized and I am going for help and am not forcing her to have a relationship with me.

 

For all those who tell me to walk away, well, I am not walking in her direction. I am allowing her to move where she wants to. If she doesn't want my attention at all, which I haven't been giving her any of in the last week and a bit, then she won't have it and I'll respect that, but please everyone, as much as you want me to NOT get into her head and prediect what she's feeling, please don't do that yourselves and please don't tell me what to do, when all I'm doing is respecting her and not overstepping ANY boundaries at all. If she wants me gone completely, or forever, then I will go away.

 

Dan

[keefy1972]

Dan please don't be so defensive. Everyone here is trying to tell you, from an outsider's perspective, what we see going on. Do not take it personal because we all know how hard it can be to see and think clearly when you're directly involved in a situation. We're all only going off of what you tell us here. If there are underlying circumstances that you haven't told us about, then that's one thing, but from what you are telling us...well...we're calling it as we see it.

 

We're all very proud that you're respecting her request for space. It's so hard to do that when all you want to do is hug her and make her know everything is going to be alright. We get that. Bravo.

 

I don't remember anyone suggest that you walk away. All I've read is people telling you that this woman is hurt and confused, asking for space, and we want you to continue to understand that that is EXACTLY what she wants. There is no between the lines about it. Nothing to analyze.

 

She sent you an email wanting her stuff back. It was not all warm and fuzzy to your liking so you get huffy because she didn't "reward" you for leaving her alone for a week. Dress it up any way you like, but it's here on this thread, and it PISSED you off that she wasn't doing anything more than asking for her stuff back.

 

Before you get pissed at the helpful people on this site, you need to analyze, and figure out exactly what you want to accomplish here. DO YOU WANT TRUTH OR DO YOU JUST WANT PEOPLE TO SUGAR-COAT THINGS TO YOUR LIKING?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You asked asked for our thoughts on this, and two questions, is she missing you, and what's with her friend sending emails??

 

My assessment would be that she wants her stuff back because she now sees you two as broken up, and hence should return each others things... and her girlfriend is reinforcing the fact that you are broken up by saying: 'just because you are not together with "ex's name", I thought that maybe WE can still talk.'

 

I see this may be your ex softening the blow, i.e., it is ok to talk to stay in touch through her friend, but NOT ok to expect the same level of direct contact with your ex directly because you are no longer together...

 

honestly, at this point if you are not getting much information or are confused by this contact, then email back and suggest another time, otherwise she may see your lack of response to her as an indication that you are not respecting her wishes re: the breakup, even though you have said you would... if i recall, you both had discussed making future plans to swap your stuff, so she is now following up on that...

 

she really can't read your mind as to why you aren't responding to her, and will most likely assume the worst, that you are angry or there may be a confrontation when you do switch stuff...

 

so if you want to end things on good terms (or show her that you are indeed respecting her and are trying to change), then you should be polite about answering her email and exchanging your things.

 

i know this is all very hard on you and see that you have been trying very hard to do things that will ensure you have good relationships in the future, but if you both slip back into game playing and don't respect the other's rights to get back their own possessions, then you might be making a bad impression on her now...

 

you don't have to exchange her stuff exactly on saturday, but you should respond and make plans for when you will do this... it will really help your own healing if you are able to be free and clear and not have this exchange of stuff hanging over your head. i think maybe you were pinning a lot of hopes on that, but keeping her stuff won't keep her connected to you, and it will make her upset if she thinks you are ignoring her and playing games trying to keep her stuff or put off the exchange.

[GoingForIt_77]

I don't think anyone here can give me the truth, because the only person who knows the truth is my ex and NO ONE else, including ME.

 

I really don't know how confused or hurt she is anymore. I have been making it a point to not check her facebook NEARLY as much as I had. I was checking it for updates on an hourly basis at first (starting 8 days ago) to every few hours and now, maybe once to twice a day. I know all I need to know on there: 400 people added since last Monday. PLENTY of comments by MANY people. Guys she's meeting/reconnecting with/wishing her good luck on her first day at work/making plans for the next 6 months out/leaving comments on her main page for all to see that she's happy!

 

So no, this may be her way of living on fast forward now, as a means to forget and move on and potentially meet someone else, or quite simply have many friends. Either way, I have not come in the middle of ANY of that and she added this site the DAY I stopped all contact with her and now I will be starting Day 9 in 45 minutes.

 

I do feel a bit pressured in returning her email as soon as she sent it. No, I truthfully wasn't expecting ANYTHING from her, including an email requesting to come over so we could make the exchange, BUT, when I got just that and only that, I realize that I was HOPING for more.

 

So, I didn't reply yesterday night, nor have I replied today. I may reply tomorrow, or the day after and in regards to upsetting her. Well, the truth is, I am doing what's right for MEEEE now and if I feel pressured into replying, or formulating the right response, then I will take MY time in responding to her. Her life has NOT stopped since she left me. It looks as though it's TAKEN OFF and yeah, part of me is realizing my own self-worth, as much as she has and with that, has come less of an eagerness on my part to JUMP at the first opportunity to contact her, especially when all I get are scraps.

 

She'll get her response. We'll make the time to exchange the stuff and NO, I will NOT beg. I am strong and respect my own actions and have to take care of myself now, because she's no longer worried or concerned about me in the least bit.

 

As for her best friend trying to soften the blow, I don't buy it for a moment. She tried to hard yesterday with me. I've never been her friend and we've never really spoken. Why now? I don't need her as a friend. I needed my ex, not her. She'll get a friendly reply, but if she wants to bleed me of information (As a spy for my ex), she won't get very far.

 

Goodnight all,

 

Dan

[GoingForIt_77]

Well, I replied to her email today while at work (a day and a half since she sent me hers). I duplicated her tone, but was a bit sweeter (she wasn't sweet at all in hers).

 

I let her know that I was sorry that I couldn't get back to her right away and that I've been really busy. I let her know that I am tied up this weekend, but her things are ready in a bag and that we can meet one day after work next week and make an exchange (kept it formal and business like as she did). I then said I'd let her know. Finally I asked her if she likes her classes and if she's looking forward to starting her new job?

 

She replied within an hour. She didn't say hi. She didn't address me by my name. She went straight into saying that she's working Friday night, but could pass by after work to pick up her stuff and that she'd really prefer to do it this week, BUT, if I can't, she completely understands and that we'll find another day. She then BRIEFLY said that she is well and that school is good and so is her new job (informing me that she started the previous day). She did NOT elaborate AT ALL, nor did she thank me for asking, nor did she ask me once how I am, or even say bye for that matter.

 

So, I replied within 15-20 minutes while at work. I said sorry, but I have plans on Friday and that it will have to be next week one night after work and quite possibly Tuesday night, but I'm not sure yet and that I'll let her know. I then asked her if she was nervous before having started her first day at her job and if it's what she hoped it would be? (I encouraged her to get a new job and she told me two weeks ago when she got it that she couldn't have done it without my support).

 

So, 11 hours later (10:15pm), she has yet to reply to my email.

 

I will NOT react to her in the way I used to. In many ways, I feel that she is being this way in her two emails (a far cry from the woman I knew only 2 weeks ago). I will not justify to her that she was right in having left me. I will continue to be respectful and kind and just be ME, even though I don't believe that I am getting the same level of respect back (less than I NOW deserve).

[TWIS7ER]

To me it seems like you are having trouble because you want to have CONTROL.

The reason I say this is if her words in her email does not say what you want them to say then you won't give her her stuff right away, Because I just about bet that if in her email she was sweet and nice, you would drop any plans that you had to meet with her to get her stuff back to you. I feel you are prolonging giving her stuff back, because you feel that is the only thing you all have left that will give her a reason to contact you.

 

Me and my ex are talking again now, but with very few words, but you know what? when she would email me business like about something, I was mature about it and didn't expect her to be any certain way. I respected her.

I went with the flow and continue to stay strong on my own behalf. Yes I love her, but I'm not going to flood her with my emotions. we may never be in a relationship again, but at least we are talking like human beings again.

 

There just really isn't anything you can do except give her space. In all honestly I feel that you're the type that has to have Complete Control. You need to quit relying on what you think she should say or do, and accept the way she addresses you.

[GoingForIt_77]

Amen! You're right my man.

[GoingForIt_77]

So, I waited 24 hours for her to reply to my reply to her (concerning which day would be good to meet, so that we can make the exchange for our stuff).

 

Even though she was the one that broke the one week of NC on Monday, saying that she'd like to have her stuff back and even though I have been responding to her and trying to be as accomodating as possible, she has yet to reply to my email from yesterday morning, asking her for her feedback, as to whether to not next Tuesday night was okay with her.

 

So, I got to work today, surely expecting a reply, seeing it was 24 hours and knowing SHE was the one who initiated this. I had NO reply in my inbox and so, by 10:00am, I sent her a second email (as short, if not shorter than the first), giving her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't get the first one (not wanting to be disrespectful, just in case she DIDN'T get it) and I pretty much reiterated that Monday or Tuesday night would be okay with me and for her to please let me know and if it got too late, to just reply to my hotmail account when she got in I waited all day again and didn't get a response.

 

It's now 7:30pm and she's keeping me waiting for something as simple as setting the date to meet, which is what she seemed to want to get over with on Monday, seeing she broke NC for that reason.

 

This is just leaving me feeling frustrated, confused, hurt and just plain feeling completely disrespected.

 

Curious to know what her NEXT MOVE will be.

[anggrace]

Hello-

 

Strange. Im not sure what she's doing. If I had to guess, Id say that she is testing you. Mabey she is trying to get a reaction out of you or mabey she wants to drive you crazy being that she has been feeling hurt. I think you were right in being nice to her with your words and giving her space. I wouldn't e-mail her again. I don't expect when you do hear from her that it will be the sweet girl you remember. But really who knows. I just would try not to obsess over it too much. I know thats way easier said than done- but she will have got what she wanted if you let it drive you nuts.

[Bethany]

This is not a game but I have to ask....What are you going to do if her 'NEXT MOVE' is to say that "Tuesdays fine by me", comes around with her dad, picks up her stuff, says goodbye and walks out of the door forever?

 

What then? What will you do?

 

I think the time has come for you to stop playing games and face the fact that she COULD walk away for ever, and you should prepare yourself for this by letting go.

[ebsmith1]

Maybe she just hasn't checked her e-mail again.

[GoingForIt_77]

She has lived on her email since January 15th (Monday of last week), seeing that's when she created her Facebook account and added close to 400 people.

 

Look, I am STILL letting her lead this.

 

I have NOT, nor will I lose my cool with her. I will not let my emotions rule me anylonger. I will not react to this. I will continue to be respectful, even though this is getting to be a bit disrespectful imo.

 

As for her Dad, well, I made it a point to say that I would prefer she doesn't come to my place, because it would be easier on the "both of us" if we were to meet at a neutral coffee shop downtown after both of us is done work. I highly doubt that she will walk in with her Dad. At most a gf, but I'm not even sure about that.

 

I am being accomodating. I am being kind. I am being understanding. I am being respectful, but her flip flopping is really confusing me and really trying to test my patience, but, I will not let it and I will stay strong. I have said my apologies. I am taking action and there's nothing more that I could do, but wait for her reply and when it comes, it comes and I'll go from there.

[jenny_mcs]

 

 

 

As for her Dad, well, I made it a point to say that I would prefer she doesn't come to my place, because it would be easier on the "both of us" if we were to meet at a neutral coffee shop downtown after both of us is done work. I highly doubt that she will walk in with her Dad. At most a gf, but I'm not even sure about that.

 

 

I think, if she wants to bring her dad, you should respect that decision, and not try and control the situation. It is not your place to tell her what would be easier for her- if she wants to bring her dad, then clearly that is what woud make the situation easier on her.

 

I think another poster hit the nail on the head when he mentioned your control issues. You seem intent on somehow controlling this situation- you get upset if her tone, the content of her e-mails, and now her response time is not what you think it should be, and are quick to see this as a sign of some kind of disrespect.

 

She is doing what is best for her right now. In my opinion, nothing she has done has been disrespectful.

[GoingForIt_77]

Think what you think, but nothing I've done with her since she left me has been controlling either.

 

I have been respecting me 100% accross the board. She pops in and out. She puts up requests and doesn't follow through. She ignores me when she sees fit.

 

I will NOT blame myself, nor will I put myself down, as some of you on here would like me to.

 

I've been letting her lead the way and DO and HAVE taken her feelings into consideration since the moment she left me.

 

Some of you just select specific quotes from what I write and choose to dissect it to paint me out to be a monster, when I KNOW that I am NOT.

 

I am also trying to protect myself and my own feelings here as well, so, please that into consideration. I have come a long way in the last 2 weeks and have NOT checked her Facebook in days.

 

I gave her the space she requested. It was her who broke NC this past Monday, only to not be following up on her request. She's the one who seemed to be in a rush, but is now choosing to wait days to even reply to my reply to her, which in all actuality, is merely to confirm plans, which she doesn't seem to be doing.

 

This is NOT the girl I knew and I am accepting that. I on the other hand and doing now what she thought I was incapable of doing, which is respecting her and being kind and am patiently waiting for a reply to a request SHE made.

 

What else can I do? Nothing, but wait. I mean, what else can she really hold against me now, when all I'm doing is being accomodating and pleasant. Maybe it's THAT that is affecting her. It's quite possible that she was expecting, or maybe even hoping for me to be doing the opposite of this.

[ebsmith1]

You're not reacting to what??? What is she flip-flopping on??? She wants her stuff, that's it! I'm not saying give up or that you have no chance, but what I am saying is that all she is telling you is that she wants her stuff! She's not saying that she misses you or that she might have made a mistake, just that she wants her things! If you make her wait forever she's just going to be mad at you.

[GoingForIt_77]

Have you even read this thread???

 

I am making plans to give her HERRRRR stuff! She broke NC to get her stuff back and I am TRYING to make plans with her so that we can make the exchange, because she has stuff of MIIIINNNEEEE too.

 

SHE broke NC on Monday for this reason, YET, is not replying to my replies to her, for us to MAKE a specific DATE so that we can make the exchange. She is choosing to even put THIS on the back burner and ignore me for days, when in fact it was HERRR who made the request on Monday.

 

I am merely being accomodating and patient and kind here, so please, read the last few things that have been written before jumping down my throat like that. THANK YOU.

[ebsmith1]

I have read everything you have written and you just aren't getting it! It's not really breaking NC when she's just trying to exchange things in my opinion. She tried to set two different dates with you and you told her you were busy with both. So she hasn't replied to the last e-mail yet, that doesn't mean she's playing with you or being wishy washy, it may very well mean that she's not read it, or is trying to come up with another time that is more suitable. I'm not trying to jump down your throat but everyone on here keeps telling you that you are still trying to control the situation and that you are reading WAY too much into things. Frankly, I think she's scared of you, is being nice not to set you off and is probably trying to find someone to come with her to get the stuff. But you are going to do what you are going to do. Just don't say you weren't warned.

[GoingForIt_77]

My God, I have been nothing but kind, respectful and honest with her since she left me. I am seeing 2 different therapists during the week. I stopped school this semester, so that I can devote myself to THIS. She knows that as well.

 

I have done nothing but be pleasant, supportive, understanding, kind, accomodating since the day she left me. I have not and will not pressure her. I have not ONCE asked her to reconsider. I told her in both my emails to her that I am happy that she is doing well.

 

What else can I do, but be a nice guy? something most of you on her will NOT accept that I am and guess what? She expected me to do the opposite of what I am doing, but what I am doing now is sincere and I refuse to have to explain that to complete strangers on here who are dealing with their own issues.

 

I know that what I'm doing now is the RIGHT thing and NO ONE can condemn me for that.

 

Again, I will WAIT for a response from her, without reacting. Something I haven't done since the day she left me. Sorry to have disappointed her and most of you on here.

[ebsmith1]

I did not condemn you. All I said is that what you are reading too much into this and still trying to control the situation with this whole e-mail thing. It's good that you are doing all of these things for yourself and that's what you should be focusing on right now. What all of us that have been here for a while have learned is that sooner or later you have to start living your life as if they aren't coming back! Give her the stuff as soon as possible so that it is over and so that you can resume NC and not worry about what her e-mails mean or don't mean. Heal yourself and then worry about her.

[GoingForIt_77]

I am not trying to control anything. I don't like this as much as she doesn't. She wants to set a date, well, lets set it. Why now is she stalling this if she wants to move on?

 

Ebsmith, all you're trying to do is control me into believing that I am wrong in what I'm doing, when I'm doing nothing of the sort, but am respecting her.

 

Hey, I'm not a piece of @$#$. Sorry to disappoint you.

[ebsmith1]

OK great you're right.

[GoingForIt_77]

I don't want to be right. I'm just trying to do the right thing, but her now delaying it isn't making it easier on either of us. Part of me now is believing that she really WAS expecting me to react differently towards her. I don't think she believed that I could be this respectful and pleasant. I am not doing it to prove anything to her, or anyone. I DO realize what I did wrong and since she left me, I REFUSED to continue to do it. Hard pill to swallow, but it looks like we're both swallowing pills now. Me beating myself up for having not treated her as well as I should have and her maybe realizing that I really am a nice guy who sees the error of his ways. For all intents and purposes, my actions since the breakup are showing her that I am moving on with my life and this is NOT want she expected me to do. She expected me to flip probably and fall apart and go crawling back to her and get upset at her for having left me and not asking me how I am or anything. I know what I did wrong and I will never put that blame on her, but I will not continue to do what I did in the relationship, to help justify to her that she was right in having left me. I'm sorry, but I'm doing the right thing now and she knows it and sees it.

[jenny_mcs]

Think what you think, but nothing I've done with her since she left me has been controlling either.

 

 

This is a quote from another of your threads:

 

"If she REALLY wants her stuff back that baddly, she'll have to give me a little bit more kindness and respect. "

 

Do you see how this way of thinking is a problem?

[GoingForIt_77]

I am not entitled to be upset Jenny? Last time I checked I was human. I am on here to vent and not here to have every single word I type be dissected. Can't you not look at what I am typing as whole?? My God, my actions are that of a remorseful guy who has been taking action and is respecting his ex and am being as accomodating as possible.

 

Please, I urge you to find something in what I wrote to dissect and prove to me how I am not normal. Please Jenny, show me how wrong I still am.

[jenny_mcs]

I am not entitled to be upset Jenny? Last time I checked I was human. I am on here to vent and not here to have every since word I type be dissected. Can't you not look at what I am typing as whole?? My God, my actions are that of a remorseful guy who has been taking action and is respecting his ex and am being as accomodating as possible.

 

Please, I urge you to find something in what I wrote to dissect and prove to me how I am not normal. Please Jenny, show me how wrong I still am.

 

I have read every word of your posts, and I think, as a whole, you are a very angry person. I, like others, am posting to try to shed some insight on your situation, based in my own experiences.

 

You seem to quickly jump to anger and sarcasm when you don't hear what you want. I'll bow out of responding to your threads now. Good luck.