Update on my Situation

[GoingForIt_77]

This is for those who have been following up until now.

 

After over a week of STRAIGHT NC, I received an email from my ex tonight. It was pretty formal and to the point. Saying hi and that she wanted to know if she could come by THIS Saturday afternoon at some point to drop off my stuff and pick up hers. She asked me if that would be okay with me and to please let her know. That was it. This is a far cry from the girl who needed space and didn't want to talk to/see me.

 

Now, what's interesting is that she contacted me after I actually respected her space and did not contact her once for over a week straight. Coincidental? Is it an excuse for her to break contact (maybe she misses me and is worrying that I am MOVING on myself and has too much pride to show too much interest in me, so she's making it about "our stuff" as a means for her to have broken contact?

 

I have yet to respond. I'm giving it at least 24 hours before I do and then I will let her know that I have plans on Saturday and that we'll do it another time and leave it at THAT.

 

Also, her BEST friend has sent me an invite to HER (her best friend) facebook account, wrote a comment on my page and sent me a personal email saying "Dan just because you are not together with "ex's name", I thought that maybe WE can still talk. You seemed pretty cool."

 

Now, I was never friends with this girl. She IS my ex's BEST gf and why would she want to be MY friend NOW and why is my EX NOW emailing me? It's all happening at the same time. All after I've done NOTHING for over a week. Something my ex probably didn't think I had in me to do. Is it possible that this is getting my ex to take me more seriously and start thinking that maybe I'm moving on from her and she may in her own way she is starting to miss me and is looking for an excuse. Only one week ago she didn't want to hear from me and now she's writing me and so is her friend. I don't really think it's ONLY about the exchange. that could have waited. she seems to be more comfortable with me now, or at least it appears that way. Something changed for her...

 

Thoughts please on all of this...

 

Thanks

[Lady Bugg]

Hmmmm..sounds just to me like your ex wants her stuff back and wants to give yours back. I don;t think you doing one week of NC would have changed

her mind about anything much...BUT...good for you.

 

As for her friend. WHo knows? Maybe it's a coincidence. I wouldn;t read too much into it.

[GoingForIt_77]

I know that I can count on you for your continued support and seeing things through a "realistic" point of view.

 

Anyone else who's been following my story could offer me some more advice. Those who actually believe in what I've been doing has been kind and respectful and may think that it may have made a difference to my ex and THAT'S why she was comfortable enough in making contact, even if it was for this reason?

 

As for her BEST friend contacting me 3 TIMES today, I doubt that's coincidence, seeing we were NEVER friends, or even spoke and my EX emailed me as well today.

 

Anyone else care to share.

 

Thanks!

 

Dan

[Lady Bugg]

Dan..I am glad you DO see me as being "realistic"..and not raining on your parade..because believe me...if I TRULY believed after ONE week of NC an ex would change their minds...I would be the FIRST one applauding you...but I HAVE been there, so I KNOW what false hope can do to the healing spirit. It is all too easy to get caught up in the "wait till they see how much I have changed" game. Usually it is very short lived..after being shot down a few times.

 

I really DO applaud your efforts in this short period of time. My SINCERE suggestion to you is to assume your relationship is REALLY over. No thinking how she's going to react to not hearing from you...because NO ONE can predict that. Assume it is OVER....and she is NEVER coming back. Why?? Because that is the ONLY true way you will heal for YOU..and YOU alone, which is the only reason you should be doing this anyway.

 

I hope I am wrong in your case..I really do....and even if I AM wrong..it may be very short lived. I will just say........live and learn like the rest of us have....

[heloladies21]

A lot of psychological game playing going back and forth and will only lead to your doom in the end. A lot of false hope, miscommunication, contact games, all of which have been proven not to work in the end. Sure you can get temporary results, but in the end the reasons for the break up resurface and lead to another break up. Seen it on here thousands of times.

 

Her gf contacted you as bait, none of the possible reasons are good. I'm not gonna tell you this as some kind of moral kick, only because it's the right thing for you. Drop the games, come clean. Let her know how you feel about her,then ask if she feels the same and would like to try a relationship again immediately. If you get anything other than a yes, request NC and move on as doing anything else will just be spinning your wheels.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi there

 

Im sorry pal but her asking for her stuff means exactly that - she needs her stuff back. Her friend is not her. No matter what the friend does, you cannot interpret that as something coming from your ex. If your ex wanted you back SHE would do something about it, not send an agent. Unless she's in 7th grade.

 

Ive been through all this. My ex crying (Ive never seen him cry ever before) every time I picked up my stuff, even when it was him who broke up with me. My ex mother in law to be sending me emails telling me she thinks its only a break. Her emailing again to tell me he wasn't dating. A week later I found his dating profile. I even got a love letter at some point from the ex. But its been 7 months and we are not back together.

 

I know it hurts a lot but at this point you have to let go of control because you don't have any control of this situation other than what you can do for yourself. Of course your ex still has feelings for you but that doesn't mean she has faith in continuing.

 

Like (the other) Lady Bugg says, I sincerely hope Im wrong about this but as Ive been there before... There are no other signs of your ex coming back other than her calling and saying she wants to give it another try.

[heloladies21]

And her gf contacting you was bait to see a reaction out of you. Psychological games like this are not good.

[GoingForIt_77]

Why of WHY would she say she wants to come back and start a relationship with me IMMEDIATELY. The girl is/was scared and is still protecting herself. I am in the PROCESS of getting help now. What she MAY see is that I am doing nothing but respecting her space and this may have made her feel more at ease to come over, as hard as that would be on her TOO.

 

I am not responding right away to her email. I may wait a day or two. Your right in a way, that if she has feelings and this is just a means to break NC, because she may feel that I may not do it on my own now and maybe she feels that I am moving on from HER. Either way, I won't respond right away and when I do, I will let her know that I have made plans for this Saturday and that we will have to do it another time. I did find her email cold and business like and even though I hurt her and I know I did and I did apologize and I am seeking help and I have respected her since she left me, I just feel that I am worth more than that email and so, if she really wants her stuff, let her contact me a second time. I'll just let her know that I've been really busy and didn't have a chance to respond. She kept me in the dark for 12 days and then this short email, not even addressing me by my name. That is less than I deserve and SO, I do nothing for now. I don't want to be stepped on either.

 

I am not asking her anything outright. I am not putting pressure on this girl AT ALL. NO WAY.

[GoingForIt_77]

Guess what heloladies? Her BEST gf got NO reaction out of me. I have replied to NEITHER of them just yet. I am NO ONE'S doormat either.

[onelittleladybug]

Goingforit - Im a bit confused. Did you come on the board for actual advice? Or are you only looking for one specific answer and ignoring the rest?

[GoingForIt_77]

Part of me is here to vent. I am weighing out all the options in my head. She will get a response from me and it will be as business like as hers was to me. My response will take a day or two.

 

I still feel that I do understand how I made her feel and I am remorseful and am seeking help and am sleeping in the bed that I made, but by the same token, I am worth more than that email after all this time. It makes me feel like I am a piece of #$@$ and am lowering myself if I even respond to it.

 

Those are my feelings and that may change in a day or two. Not sure though.

[GoingForIt_77]

Also, I have been respecting her since the breakup, because I love her, but her email to me shows that she has NO appreciation or gratitude for that AT ALL and that does upset me. No, it doesn't hurt as much as wake me up to the fact that I do deserve and AM worth more than that email. She couldn't even face kindness. She didn't feel I was even worth THAT much. I AM.

[onelittleladybug]

Honestly, it sounds like its YOU thats playing games. And the thing is - people who play games always assume that everyone else does. Thats my 2 cents. The way you talk about her here, honestly it doesn't sound loving. It actually sounds just the opposite. But if you truly and completely love her, you can let her go no matter how much it hurts. You kinda sound like you need to feel like you have all the power. But thats only an illusion. You don't have power over her or this situation. Only yourself.

[GoingForIt_77]

Thanks Ellie

[GoingForIt_77]

Look guys. I'll take one step at a time and go from there. That's what I've been doing in the last 13 days. She won't disrupt that progress, as much as I don't want to disrupt hers.

[SarahRose]

She simply asked for her things back.

 

Would you mind explaining why you are going to say you are busy Saturday so she can't get her things? What is your reasoning for doing this?

[keefy1972]

"Also, I have been respecting her since the breakup, because I love her, but her email to me shows that she has NO appreciation or gratitude for that AT ALL and that does upset me."

 

What you wrote here is quite disturbing to me. You have been respecting her because you love her?? Is it love that makes one human being respect another?? She shows no appreciation or gratitude for you showing her respect?

 

How does this sound...MAYBE if you'd just shown her respect all along, not because you love her but because she's a human being, maybe you wouldn't be in this situation to begin with. While I appreciate you realizing that you need help, I still think you've got a long way to go.

 

You seem to think you should be rewarded for being respectful. It's not a job or a chore to be that way. It's your responsibility as a productive member of society to respect people. ESPECIALLY someone you claim to love.

 

Now for the real question...Do you love this woman for who she is? Or did you love being with her because she'd let you get away with being a power-tripping egotist?

 

That's what your threads have led me to wonder.

[ImThatGirl]

GoingForIt - - - You know I'm here to support you...

 

You state all of your points like you are certain you are being logical and rational. And I'm sure to you, right now, while being so consumed by the fear of losing her, feel like you are being.

 

I just want to say with sincere respect, you are not letting her go. You are not respecting her. You are giving her space just to prove yourself rather than out of consideration and respect for her it seems.

 

She was business like because she didn't want to leave any room for you to assume that you two would get back together. She has that right.

 

Who knows what her friends motive is. Maybe she wants to have you as a friend. Or maybe she wants to make friends with you to monitor your moves and moods to protect her friend?

 

I have to ask - because you have never specified. How bad did your fights get? I know you said alot of yelling but she seems to have a very deep fear of you. What caused that specifically?

[ebsmith1]

GoingForIt, I read one of your other posts but didn't comment. This girl (according to the other post) is actually afraid of you, she compared you to a man who raped her. That is the reason she asked you about getting her stuff back in the way that she did, she is afraid to make you mad. She wants her stuff, that's it. I'm not saying she's never going to want to come back, only she knows that, but making her wait to find out if she can get HER stuff for 24 hours is only going to make her mad. Her friend is just baiting you, maybe messing with you, who knows, but it's not her and it doesn't matter. You need to pretend like she's gone, give her her stuff back and then stick to NC from then on. If she wants to know if you have changed, she'll find out. If she doesn't, you'll never hear from her again. I totally agree with onelittleladybug, it sounds like you are coming her to find people who agree with you, not to get real advice. My advice is to give her her stuff on Saturday unless you really can't.

[majord23]

GF,

I think that half your battle is not necessarily letting go of your ex, but letting go of the control of the situation (and her).

 

From reading your posts, it seems that you "wore the pants" (so to speak) in your relationship and that your girlfriend, as you previously stated, was submissive.

Now however, she has walked away and is sticking to her decision. She appears to be standing on her own feet without you. She is probably exhibiting a strength that you never knew she had, or thought that you would ever see.

She says that it is hard, and I don't doubt for a second that it is extremely hard for both of you - the roles have been reversed (her being the strong one, you attempting to appease her).

 

BUT, you have to realise (and I am only going by what you have posted) that your relationship with your ex was unhealthy. You are in therapy and are attempting to make changes in your life - and for that you should be commended.

You have to do that for *yourself* though - any change we make for others will only be temporary. True, lifelong changes are the ones that we make for ourselves.

 

The email she sent, you seem intent on 'punishing' her for. You are going to make her wait and then reply with an equally "business like" response. That, to me, is a worry and is indicitave of your past behaviour - you are attempting to control her. You want a reaction from her (whether to make her feel bad or to ilicit a reply from her). That is the kind of behaviour, to a lesser degree, that resulted in her walking away from you mate.

If you are serious about changing, then make the first step - stop trying to control her and walk away.

 

Did you consider that your ex sent an 'emotionless' email because this *is* so hard for her?

Maybe she can't handle an emotional interaction - maybe she *needs* to keep communication void of emotion to keep herself strong.

 

The ball is in your court here mate - you can make this hard for her and have her resent you, or you can love her enough to help her by doing exactly what she wants....cutting her loose.

[keefy1972]

Major that was awesome! Perfect reply for you there GFI. I may have been a bit harsh with my reply but I didn't mean it to be. I'm just not quite as diplomatic as ambassador Major here.

 

Please take this advice to heart.

[keefy1972]

I am also curious as to the extent of the fights yo guys had. How bad were they?? What exactly caused her deep-rooted fear?

[Firedancer03]

Hello GFI,

 

In my humble opinion, and based on all of your other posts, you are still in denial about this situation. You think that you will show her how much you've changed and then she will come running back into your arms. I also see you trying to analyse what she is thinking and what she wants right now and what she will want in the future. But you must realize, GF, that the only person who knows if she will want you again in the future is her. Nothing you do or say will really persuade her into rethinking her decision to break up with you. If she comes back, it will be because she feels that in her heart, she loves you and you are the one she wants to be with. Thats it. It wont be because you've changed or because you gave her space.

 

It has only been 2 weeks since your breakup. I'm sure this is hard on her too, but she has made a decision based on what she feels is best for her right now. She decided to walk away from the relationship even though it may be painful, because it was even more painful for her to stay. Right now the wounds of the relationship and the breakup are still very fresh, you two are both dealing with it. But in my opinion, based on her email, she doesn't want to have anything to do with you right now. The only reason she is contacting you now is because she wants her stuff back. Nothing more. Please do not be angry with her for "only sending you an email". Remember that she is doing what she feels is best for herself right now, and she felt the best thing for her was to send you an email. The relationship is over, and she does not owe you anything.

 

My advice to you is to do the loving and respectful thing for her and yourself and let her go. Stop playing mind games and stop analyzing your "plan of attack" to get her back based on what you think she's thinking or feeling. Living in this denial is only making it harder on yourself and inhibiting your ability to move on and learn from this relationship. Accept the fact that the relationship is over, she is not going to come back. Then you can start down on the road to healing.

[bubbles07]

nicely said firedancer03, i think a lot of us on here can use that information. It made a lot of sense for me and I think most of us that have been dumped are guilty of thinking like GFI. Its just so hard to think that there is no chance but I guess that will just take time to sink in. Everything takes time really.

[TWIS7ER]

Dan,

 

I don't know if you remember me talking on my other post about the email. I received from my ex stating that:

 

well I got your offlines, and now same in email. I will remain to be very strong.. best of luck to you, bye I think it would be very hard to ever become friends..but I appreciate the invite. take care of yourself bye

 

I received that from her and I didn't even expect that. The next day I got another email saying this:

 

maybe I was alittle to hard on you.. I just get tired of the same old questions time after time. The reason I said that I dont think its best to become friends is because I have alot of trust issues with you and to me the hurt still seems like today. I feel any communication with is only adding salt to the wound. Maybe you have changed, its was just to little to late. I want you to go on with your life and continue to improve it, not for me but for yourself. I do believe that being away from you give you time to heal your old wounds from your marriage. I do still think you have issues that were carried from that one to ours. I am very happy I dont have to deal with anymore issues with you, or hurt or head games. Thats why I dont chose to contact you or even speak to you. I have healing to do myself and issues I need to work on. I dont mean to hurt you with being blunt or give you false hope. Maybe you have moved on with your life. you are the one who did tell me that you had to have someone if I wasnt going to be that one. so Im sure you are already looking and thats fine. There just has to come a time where no matter how much you care for someone, its just time to walk away and reach apoint to say its not worth it. We had good times together but right now as sad is it to say the bad I feel was out weighing the good. I try to warn you of things that was happening in this relationship example of you trying to make us a big family, or you acting like we were already married. the problems that you brought in this relationship, our relationship wasnt strong enought to even deal with that kind of stuff.. Im tied of answering your question, and I dont like you asking bradley if I already have someone, when you already asked me that.. What I do is my business, I already told you I dont want anyone nor am I looking. I dont have to have someone like you do. so the answer to your question is no. so please stop asking. I like my business to be mine, and thats how it will be. so please stop with all the question about my personal life or how Im feeling about things. If you want to be my friend then you need to back off and let me get over the hurt and heal.. but right now talking to you, will just be issues with the past and I dont want to deal with that anymore.. I hope you take care of yourself. and continue to grow and work on yourself.. bye

 

I replied with:

 

Yes maybe you were a little hard on me, but thats ok, thats what I deserve and needed. I apologize for all the questions, I really thought that I needed them answered, when really I didn't, You don't owe me any answers. Just that brief message up above that you sent me is really what I needed. It was that message that gave me my answers. It made me realize that I was never going to get another little message such as: " I still Love You", or " Do You Want To Go To The Store With Me" Because before that message I was checking my email every 5 minutes just to see if I was ever going to get those messages. Now I know that those messages will not come. I don't have to check my email every 5 minutes,( In fact I only checked it once today) Before I got that message I would look out my window and just wish that you were looking out your window up here. Now I know thats not true. But the point is you being hard on me is what I needed to get those thoughts out of my head.

 

I can truly see your point about being friends, and I don't want to add salt to your wounds, Yes I have changed, Or maybe I have just Matured, I won't elaborate and go into great details of what I have changed, because me "telling" you means nothing. I thought I had to change to prove to you that I could do it, But thats not the case, I have changed and continue to work on the changing for myself to make myself a better person. Me thinking about changing for you was the wrong approach and would have just been a quick fix. Changing for myself is a permanent fix. I have come along way and I'm even sure that even though you havent even spoken to me that you have seen a little of change in me, or even alot.

 

It's not really that I had issues from my previous marriage, It's just that I rushed out of it and right into thinking that we could be that family that I had always wanted, because the one I had wasn't worth a crap. I let my own wants control me. And I did try to rush things, However I could not control it because you came into my life and I really thought that you were the woman of my dreams, the woman that I had always hoped for. I was so caught up with my new found love that I didn't wan't to ever lose that and I wanted to marry you. I wanted to marry you because I didn't want to lose what I was feeling at that moment. I didn't slow down and really get to know who you really are. I really wish I could have waited to get down on my knee and propose to you, because that was one thing that I had never done before and I wanted you to be the one. Yes I will admit that even after all that we have been through, I do not regret asking you to marry me and putting that ring on your finger. Although you may not be the woman that I marry, I will always remember you as the first woman I ever did that for.

 

I understand that the reason you don't contact me or speak to me anymore is because your happy that you don't have to hurt anymore or feel that you have to go through head games. It really does make me feel good to know I'm not hurting you anymore, I never intended on hurting you, but I know I did, I can't apologize enough. Not enough apologies in this world can take back what I did in the past. I understand you have issues you need to work on yourself and I can respect you and encourage you.

 

Don't worry about hurting me or giving me false hope, I am getting stronger each and every day. Yes I have my lows, But I am remaining strong.

 

I have moved on with my life, But not in the sense of finding someone else, I had that opportunity this weekend and thought before I jumped. Sure I could go and find someone to try to get over you and I'm sure in time I would get over you. But I did alot of thinking about that and I know now that I have to put more thought into caring for other peoples feelings before my own, Using someone else to try to get over you is wrong and I will not do that to another person, I don't need someone else to ease my pain. I can do that on my own.

 

Yes we did have good times together, even though we really didn't do alot, But the conversations, shopping, watching our court shows will never be forgotten, We really didn't last long enough to share the many good times that layed ahead, We didn't even make it to explore and share more good times. I will cherish what we had for the rest of my life. In fact the good times that we had is what has made all this so hard. While you think about the bad times It makes the decision you made to end the relationship easier for you. My problem was I couldn't let go of the good times that we had and that's what was making it so hard for me to let go. I couldn't accept it as just being a memory, I would sit here and listen to our songs and cry and want them good times back so bad, knowing they weren't ever going to come back. Now I can sit here and listen to those same songs with a smile on my face and realize that the good times are a memory.

 

I really do apologize for asking Bradley what I asked him, I know it's none of my business what you do now, I was still seeking answers in my mind. Thinking that maybe if you had found someone that that would make me feel resentment and make it easier for me to get over you and go on with my life. I will not seek anymore answers from you or any of your boys. I Promise. Because the last thing I want to do is continue to hurt you. I want you to heal from what I have caused. I will continue to work on myself, Because I am really starting to like who I am becoming and the control I have over myself now. Yes I will continue to have lows, because I do care for you deeply. And I know It's hard for you to believe me when I say I do still Love You. But I can't change the fact that I do. And I know it's probably better that you go on and continue to believe that I don't so things will still stay easier on you. Bye

 

The same evening I got a message from my son that was down at her house telling me that she wants to know if i want some Lasagna. I replied back and said yeah I'll take some just have her send it up with you when you come home. When he got home he brought it up with a bowl of Navy Beans (my favorite)

 

Yes this was nice of her and everything, But I'm really not looking to much into it. I am not getting any hopes up , because there really is no reason too, I still believe that she doesn't want anything to do with me and I will continue to be strong and work on myself.

 

Did she have to do all this? No she didn't But don't look anymore into it and get your hopes up. Because If we get our hopes up it could lead to even a bigger heartbreak.