Update on my Situation

[breeze33]

GFI, if this is new, then that is a good thing and a baby step in the right direction to become a better more loving person. Not for her.... but for yourself.

[GoingForIt_77]

Breeze, you're right.

 

Even though this is for me, I do hope she takes notice nonetheless and she probably already has.

[breeze33]

Just to further capitalize on what I just wrote, I would like to point out that when she contacted me, she had ALL intentions to come over, which would have involved having had to see me in person, expecting to see the "old Dan", however, based on my email replies to her and having conducted myself in a FAR different manner than I ever had with her and so, even though she had ALL intentions of coming over and getting her stuff, in order to get it over with and out of the way, CHANGED.

 

 

I mean, facing me today, is like facing the man she met and not the one she left. That really could be why she can't deal with that. It would have been a lot easier to deal with the old Dan who she left (ending things on a bad note).

 

you don't know this. And really, it should not matter anymore.

 

Thinking and obsessing over what she may be thinking is no longer relevant. Now is the time to work on yourself and heal yourself. Change cannot happen overnight and that's why thinking about what she thinks will hold you back. Don't do this to yourself.

[GoingForIt_77]

Maybe you're right, but what I do know is that I am doing the right thing. I am respecting her and myself in the process. Whether or not that is too late, is not really the issue, because what is done, is done.

 

Look, she still will want/need her stuff. What she is waiting for at this point is not very clear to me, but I do know that as long as I continue to respect her space and her needs, that only good can come from that, both for her and for myself as well.

[GoingForIt_77]

Lady, there's nothing that she has of mine that can't wait. The reverse may not apply though. That's up to her once again.

 

In regards to my stuff, I would prefer to let some time pass before contacting her for it (a month to a month and a half would be enough time I figure).

[GoingForIt_77]

Well, it is now officially Sunday and my Wednesday and again Tursday email reply to her, asked her if she would like to meet up either Monday or Tuesday night to make the exchange and to please let me know and if so, I will get back to her before Monday and we will confirm the plans as to which night is better.

 

Remember, it was HER who initiated this request (last Monday), after a week of having asked for space. I replied to her request and she followed up with it right away (last Wednesday). I clearly asked her to get back to me and let me know which of the two days was easier for her and then I would get back to her before the week starts (meaning LATEST today), so we can confirm plans.

 

So, if she chooses to do NOTHING by the end of today (say 10:00pm tonight), then she is sending me a clear message that she no longer wants her stuff? Is that it, or are other things happening here that I am not seeing?

[GoingForIt_77]

I'm oh so confused. I just can't figure it out.

 

It's now 2:00pm on Sunday and NOTHING since her one reply on Wednesday, saying if I couldn't do it on Friday night, that she would COMPLETELY understand and we would make alternate plans and I DID, but NOTHING.

 

What happened? What changed? Flip Flopping like that doesn't make sense. I was trying to be accomodating.

 

Calling her up tonight would not be a great idea, because my anxiety has built up the longer she has kept me waiting for a reply to something SHE had initiated. She replied to my first reply. Why has she blown it off since then?

 

Influenced and guided by someone else? Has she met someone else and now no longer cares about her stuff?

 

I've decided NOT to go to her work to drop off her stuff. She has demonstrated that she doesn't care about her stuff, or feels that having to see me is not worth getting it back and so, I won't proactively drop off something she no longer sees any value in, or is even attempting to work to get back.

 

There is still the issue of my stuff. Her choosing to ignore me now is not only blowing off her stuff, but mine as well.

 

I CANNOT for the life of me figure this out. I do know that in the past, I would have PURSUED this BIG TIME.

 

Right now, I don't know what to make of it and I don't really know what I should do. I don't want to make the wrong tactical error.

 

Is letting it go, as if she never emailed me about her stuff in the first place what she be done? Is that the message she is sending me, or is it something else?

[onelittleladybug]

GFI Ive been following this thread lately...

 

What happened? What changed? Flip Flopping like that doesn't make sense. I was trying to be accomodating.

 

You ask whats changed and honestly man, I don't see a change in you. You have been playing a game with this but what you don't get is that she isnt playing with you anymore. When she asked for her stuff back you used silence as a method of asserting yourself. You've already said before that the reason why you broke up was that you were controlling. You still are and she doesn't like it. You feel like you once again have power over the situation because you have something she needs - her stuff. But the thing is if you insist on playing your game she might not even want the stuff anymore! She has managed without it so far right?

 

You have received the same advice in different phrasing from tons of people in here. Sometimes kindly and sometimes harshly but always the same in essense. Your problem is that you are controlling and thats what you have to change.

 

Right now, I don't know what to make of it and I don't really know what I should do. I don't want to make the wrong tactical error

 

It doesnt matter what you do if you dont change the thought behind it. People sense why you do things and whats behind it. She will know exactly when you are playing a game and when you are sincere.

 

 

Is letting it go, as if she never emailed me about her stuff in the first place what she be done? Is that the message she is sending me, or is it something else?

 

She isnt sending you a message. She is doing whatever she needs to do to protect herself and her feelings. Which is the right thing for her to do and she has every right to.

[GoingForIt_77]

Silence? Playing a game??

 

I answered her within 36 hours. I was legitimitely busy on Saturday (family) and Friday night at 10:00pm (time she wanted to come over) and so, I suggested an alternate date next week and asked her if that was okay.

 

I've played NO games here. NONE.

 

I am also trying to protect myself as well here LADYBUG.

 

She told me that even though she preferred Friday night, if I was not able to, that she would COMPLETELY understand and we would arrange another date and SO, I suggested another and then she ignored me again (4.5 days in counting).

 

My schedule does NOT revolve around her or anyone else, okay?

 

I played no games and I don't appreciate being told that I have not/am not changing. I am RESPECTING her and have been since she left me.

 

I am SORRY I was busy the 2 days she wanted her stuff. DON'T FORGET that she has mine AS WELL.

 

I am handling this as maturely as possible. I just don't like being taken for granted in this. Her not having responded to me at all is NOT considerate imo. There is NO respect in that and I HAVE been respecting her.

 

THANK YOU.

[onelittleladybug]

I have yet to respond. I'm giving it at least 24 hours before I do and then I will let her know that I have plans on Saturday and that we'll do it another time and leave it at THAT.

 

I'm quoting your original post where you said you planned to not respond for another 24 hours. You say you didn't have time to respond to her email. But somehow you managed to find the time to answer every reply on your thread and more. Looks like a game to me.

 

People in here including myself, we are trying to help you. If you are just venting maybe you should do it on a blog or something. But the thing is - if you don't like the advice you get then just don't post.

[GoingForIt_77]

True, I did not respond to her as soon as I received the email. I had to digest it, because it was NOT the girl who left me. It was someone far different.

 

I did NOT reply the moment I got it because I did not want to reply based on emotions. I wanted to reply with a clear head and be respectful in my reply and that is what I did.

 

This was my original reply to her on Wednesday morning:

 

"Hi (insert name),

 

Sorry, I haven't been able to get back to you earlier. I've been really

busy the last couple of days.

 

Unfortunately, I'm tied up this weekend, but I've put all your stuff in a bag.

 

When/if you pick it up from my place, taking it on the bus/metro

shouldn't be a problem. The bag is not big.

 

I'll get back to you, so we can figure out the best time to meet one

night next week after work, or next weekend.

 

How are your classes? Are you looking forward to starting your new job?

 

Dan"

 

Her reply to me (sent within an hour):

 

"Would Friday night after my last shift at Coles work? I'd be able to

come by then.

I'd prefer to be able to get my things this week if at all possible. If

not, I completely understand and we can arrange something else.

 

Everything is going well, including school and the new job (which I

started yesterday)."

 

NOTE, how she said she would PREFER to get her things sooner than later, but if not, she completely understands and so, I reply this to her right away:

 

"Sorry (insert name), I have plans this Friday night. It would have to be next

week at some point. We can meet up somewhere after work. That may be

easier for the both of us. Possibly Tuesday night. Not sure on that

though.

 

You started your new job yesterday? Fizz right? Were you nervous? How is

it? At least now, you don't have to lift heavy stuff anymore and break

your nails and get paper cuts."

 

24 hours later I sent her my second reply (Thursday morning):

 

"Goodmorning (insert name),

 

I know that in the past you sometimes didn't receive my work emails. I replied to your email yesterday morning letting you know that this Friday night I was busy, but so far, Tuesday or possibly Monday is looking okay to meet up after work (or your school). My 2 sessions are now later in the week. Please let me know if those two nights are good for you. If so, I'll let you know before next week which night is easier. If you get this only later today, can you reply to my hotmail account? Thanks.

 

It makes me happy to know that you're doing well (insert name). It really does."

 

Conclusion, I see NO games in what I did. I was pleasant, accomodating as much as I could. I did NOT blow her off. I suggested an alternate date and I have waited patiently for 4 and a half days now for SOMETHING.

 

Don't tell me NOT to post here. I am entitled.

 

Dan

[breeze33]

Silence? Playing a game??

 

My schedule does NOT revolve around her or anyone else, okay?

 

I played no games and I don't appreciate being told that I have not/am not changing. I am RESPECTING her and have been since she left me.

 

I am SORRY I was busy the 2 days she wanted her stuff. DON'T FORGET that she has mine AS WELL.

 

I am handling this as maturely as possible. I just don't like being taken for granted in this. Her not having responded to me at all is NOT considerate imo. There is NO respect in that and I HAVE been respecting her.

 

THANK YOU.

 

From your constant posting how she broke NC and that it is not fair and going on and on about it, it does sound like your life has revolved about her LACK OF RESPONSE. Her lack of response to your email is bordering on obsession and frankly, it's kind of scary and not a route to the new self-improved person you said you wanted to work on. And improving yourself is not only about your actions but it is also about changing your thinking and how you perceive things. You need to change internally, emotionally and in your perception because actions are just only actions. She will see right through you if the thoughts are in contradiction to your actions. Especially if you claim you have changed.

 

 

There could be a possibility that there is a family emergency or she got in an accident. You have no idea what happened and I doubt there is any disrespect, she may have gotten cold feet about meeting up with you and that's only natural. Whether she broke NC or not, MAYBE SHE SUDDENLY REALIZED SHE IS NOT READY! I was not ready to pick up my stuff from my ex until 10 months later.

 

 

You need to take a deep breathe and chill to take your mind of this. Go out and exercise. It is bordering on an obsession that does not look healthy and not a road to healing or improving yourself. Please see your counselor.

 

(And I will probably get flamed by you but you wanted a response. Sorry, if it is something you do not want to hear but I am not an enabler.)

[ebsmith1]

Here is the problem. GFI does not want help, he does not want advice or feedback. He wants us to agree that he is doing this the right way and that he is a changed man. We are beating a dead horse here.

[GoingForIt_77]

Thanks for all the kind words. All I've been doing is venting on here. Thanks for all the support.

[keefy1972]

"Thoughts please on all of this.

 

Dan"

 

This is what you put on your first post on this thread, GFI, if you didn't really want our thoughts, you never should've asked for them. Nevermind that what we think isn't what you want to hear. If your honest with yourself you will know that there isn't a more supportive group of people than on this site. Shame on you for being so pissy to the people that are trying to help you out.

[Bethany]

I know I'm going out on a limb here but they do sound like pretty nice emails to me. But you talk like nothing happened, quite chatty and friendly, asking questions and full of hope. But I hate to say it, I think thats the problem.

 

She MAY have perceived that your stalling with the reply and your 'friendly' mails it as forms of manipulation or that you think that there is hope of get back together now that she has "broken NC" and that is why she hasn't replied.

 

*I* think she feels backed into a corner over this and needs more time to build up a trust of you again, that you won't pressure her to get back with you, but I don't see how she can come out of the corner when your main objective IS to get back together with her. But like I said, I'm going out on a limb here and I could be wrong.

[lovemycoffee41]

You did your part, you emailed and told her it wasn't a good time, and if she wants her stuff badly enough she will respond. Do not initiate anymore contact with her, unless all you want to do is get your stuff too.

 

She isn't interested in getting back with you, just getting her stuff back. It hurts, but stop reading into everything and just focus on getting yourself clear. If she ever will want to return to you, it won't be because you're acting anxious, I promise you.

 

Good luck-