Is she a Psycho ?

[syborg]

I have been in an LDR with a girl from Thailand since August

We chat on webcam msot days and have got on VERY well and we have chatted a lot about me coming to visit her next year, when finances allow.

 

All was going well, but just last week, we entered into a rather morbid discussion about death and the afterlife and heaven and hell etc etc.

 

At 1st, the discussion was a sort of comparison about the differences between christianity and Bhudism and it was sort of interesting, but later on, she bagan to say some really distrubing things.....

 

She told me that she was scared to be alone, not only in life, but in the afterlife and if she ever lost me she would kill herself. I told her that she shouldn't talk like that cos it wasn't nice, and then she got REALLY moody with me and said that if I died, she would want to join me in the afterlife to be with me so would kill herslef so we could be together.

 

This kind of freaked me out, and she logged off in a bad mood and said she didn't want to speak for a few days.....

 

Next day was even worse.....

 

She contuned to speak about wanting to be in the afterlife together

and I asked her the folloiwng question.....

 

If we were married and you died, would you excpet me to kill myself to be with you, and let our children grow up alone, or would you want me to live and raise our children to be strong and helthy, and THEN join you when it was "our time"

 

her answer to that question was the most freaked out and most morbid comment I have ever heard

 

she said...

 

"I would want you to kill our children, then kill yourslef, so we could all be together"

 

She was serious about this and had NO idea that here words were hurtfull.

 

I tried to wonder why she said this

 

she later said sorry but showed little remorse.

 

This is freaking me out.......

[Mythical_Suicide]

And you have to question this? That is very creepy and I would be truly freaked out having someone who I have yet to meet tell me that. I'd seriously rethink the whole thing.

[Daligal83]

You cannot have a healthy relationship where one person threatens to commit suicide if the other breaks up with them. It's emotional blackmail. I'd leave now and not let her keep you with threats. If you wait until you're farther into the relationhip, it's going to be even harder.

[hosswhispra]

Is she a psycho? Yeah, I think that's a legit hypothesis.

[CarnelianButterfly]

She sounds very clinging and lonely. It can also be a difference in culture, some Asian culture teach women that they are of no value unless married and giving sons to their husbands. It's not a healthy situation for you to be in if she is so obsessed with you. You might suggest she seeks help immediately, it could be she is severely depressed because of the distance. I'm in an LDR and get very depressed at times, it helps to have a supportive partner or counselor to help thru the bad spots.

[dogheadma]

It could be a cultural difference like another poster pointed out, but it still sounds really creepy and scary nonetheless.

[hosswhispra]

She told me that she was scared to be alone, not only in life, but in the afterlife and if she ever lost me she would kill herself. I told her that she shouldn't talk like that cos it wasn't nice, and then she got REALLY moody with me and said that if I died, she would want to join me in the afterlife to be with me so would kill herslef so we could be together

 

 

she said...

 

"I would want you to kill our children, then kill yourslef, so we could all be together"

 

She was serious about this and had NO idea that here words were hurtfull.

 

I tried to wonder why she said this

 

she later said sorry but showed little remorse.

 

This is freaking me out.......

 

You have every right to be freaking out. This girl is needy, manipulative and abusive. Abusive in the respect that she is threatening to kill herself if she can't be with you. That's a manipulative and abusive thing to do to you. I would save yourself a big headache/heartache with this girl and bid her adieu.

[RayKay]

Um, yes, that is scary.

 

It is also manipulative as effectively what she is saying is if you decide to end things with her, she will "kill herself". Now whether this is true or not is actually irrelevant because you are not responsible for someone whom would react that way or threatens you with that. Most of the time people threaten it only to manipulate, as those whom WOULD do that rarely threaten you with it.

 

Honestly, I would be very wary about meeting her, if she is this manipulative or "creepy" now, telling you that she would expect you to react that way as well, it won't be better once you meet her...

[SilverManic]

I do know a bit about Thai culture so I thought I might be able to help a little. My friend from highschool was Thai and she was abused alot by her neibours. The schools over there are much more strict and also there is a lot more pressure over there to get married then there is in American or English culture.

 

I don't think she's a phyco I think she is very badly depressed and that your the one she is clinging too. This can get better and she does need some form of help but may run if you surgest it. It can be very hard and very sad when things get like this. It's very difficult to resolve.

 

Sometimes girls when young may experience severe depression when in an LDR. I don't know how old you both are, but I also don't know if this is a relationship you wanted to be in forever. If someone threatened that if I died they would kill themselves and my children I would be frightfully scared.

 

I hope she can get the help she needs and that if you truley love her you can be there to support her.

 

Not everyone has had it easy, she could have been emotionally or physically abused and thats why she is like she is now. Maybe its something you can talk to her about, but a girl like this needs reasurance too. If you can't be there for her like that then it's best to leave before you get too emotionally attached.

 

Edit: I also achnolage that I could be compleatly wrong and that she could be being abusive but this is my advice from a diffirent retrospective.

[shikashika]

Have you met this girl in real life? have you been to Thailand or has she ever seen you?

 

Let alone a relationship.. i couldn't be arsed emailing someone who sounded as nutty as that!

[syborg]

We have not yet met but have spoken and "see" each other on webcam each day.

 

she is 28 and does have a strong insecurity about being alone, as her father left her mother years ago and her ex b/f was also a playboy type who cheated on her.

 

This situation has stretchecd my ability to forgive to the limits, but I can't help but feel that she needs help rather than condemnation.

 

For that reason, I remained clam, made it clear to her how hurt I was, and also suggested that she go to a Bhuddist Temple and seek council from a Monk as I believe she needs some spiritual guidance.

 

At 1st she was argumentative and said "im fine, im ok", but for me, the first sign of an unsound mind, is denial.

[TheRedQueen]

Please don't take offense, but I think she's completely cuckoo.

[Joneysnai]

I am not Thai but I was born in Thailand so I do know abit about how some Asian cultures are. Like some here who have suggested it might have to do with how she grew up.

 

I think in her saying she would kill herself if you died or telling you she expects you to kill your children if she died is abit odd and scarey but like all the other people here I think she does need help.

 

I also suggest asking her why she feels that way so strongly. Maybe she was taught that, maybe that is a part of her religion. I honestly don't think you will find your answers here at this board because we don't know her like you do. Instead of shying away from her because you are freaked out by what she said, I think it would help you to understand her alot better. That's the whole point in going on webcam and chatting before you meet her right? Get to know her as much as you can before you fly over there to see her.

 

If after she explains to you and she still doesn't make sense and firmly believes she'll kill herself if you leave her then obviously you don't want to be with someone like that.

[syborg]

I honestly don't think you will find your answers here at this board because we don't know her like you do. Instead of shying away from her because you are freaked out by what she said, I think it would help you to understand her alot better.

 

Thats correct, and rather than hiding from her, she is the one who has gone home for a few days to "sort out her head" whereas I have been 100% supportive of her, even tho its very difficult.

 

The main reason for coming on here is so that I can show HER the comments from others to help her realise that my thinking is not unique. All the comments that sugest "she needs help" will be very valualbe becasue I also suggested that to her. Of course, I won't bombard her with negative comments, but instead, slowly make her realise :

 

(1) She was wrong to use these words

(2) I want to help her as much as I can

[Juliana]

In some Asian cultures, there is a belief that the ultimate love and loyalty a woman can show her husband is to die with him, or as soon thereafter as possible. She may sincerely believe that this is a loving statement, when in fact, it denies the hopefulness that is part of love, and the sincere desire of people who truly love one another for the other person to have a full and happy life, no matter what. You wouldn't want her to die, you wouldn't see that as a happy conclusion to your love for her, and she needs to have some faith in that and in life.

 

LDR's get pretty hot and over-blown with all the imagining and loneliness; be firm about the fact that this statement does not communicate love, but overwhelming fear and dependence.

[Joneysnai]

Thats correct, and rather than hiding from her, she is the one who has gone home for a few days to "sort out her head" whereas I have been 100% supportive of her, even tho its very difficult.

 

The main reason for coming on here is so that I can show HER the comments from others to help her realise that my thinking is not unique. All the comments that sugest "she needs help" will be very valualbe becasue I also suggested that to her. Of course, I won't bombard her with negative comments, but instead, slowly make her realise :

 

(1) She was wrong to use these words

(2) I want to help her as much as I can

 

Well I hope after you show her these comments she will realize there is something wrong with her way of thinking. It doesn't matter if it a part of her culture, religion or what not but that people will not agree with her when it comes to something like this.

 

It sounds like you do have strong feelings for this person and you don't want to let her go completely and that's why you feel a need to help her understand. Good on your part, keep me updated on your situation with her, I would like to see how it worked out for you!

 

Good luck!

[Honey Pumpkin]

I would back off - I think this is too much to deal with long distance. I would be nice about it, and move on. Sorry, I don't think it's up to you to solve someone else's problems. Maybe you could suggest to her that she talk to someone about this - but my answer is definitely: "Run, Forrest, Run..."

 

That's flippant, sorry. But seriously, if it's just chat via webcam and MSN, you are not beholden to her. I would end it now before it becomes intense and you are involved with someone who may seriously screw up your life for too long.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Look, there are huge cultural differences here, plus she sounds depressed and desparate to catch you and marry you. remember that this is not a person you have even met in person, and if you move forward with this, you are moving into an unknown where it is already obvious that she has some problems...

 

maybe you should ratchet this back to being friends gradually... just don't meet her, and gradually back away from this, while encouraging her to get help for herself.

[syborg]

She said sorry and realised how silly she was

She admitted she has a major fear abiout being alone because she is 27 and wants to get married and settle down and have children because she was all se to do this with her ex who she later broke up with cos he was playboy

She has put a lot of "faith" in our relationship and just has many fears

[Emmylu]

I do not think she is psycho. This is definitely a cultural problem. I know something about the Asian culture, and I really do not believe that was an actual threat to kill herself. Some of the popular Asian romances involve one person dying out of grief from losing ther other person, then they continue their eternal love in the afterlife. Are Asian people in love committing suicides left and right? No. It's just the talk.

 

Problem happened when she expressed her devotion to you in her way, and instead was given a slap in the face in the form of "you are crazy". What she did next was wrong and immature. She didn't let it go and went too far when she talked about killing the children. Now THAT is not Asian culture. That was obviously just to spite you and continue this fight. But then you also didn't back off when you tried to corner her with the "what if there are children" question. You are being this logical guy and she can't explain herself.

 

Did death HAVE to play a role in Romeo and Juliet ? Well, kind of... I mean, Shakespeare didn't write about two people having kids and then growing old. It's not a story about logical and practical people. You should be careful with someone you haven't met. But don't be too quick to judge.