Your virgin gf/bf or fiancee cheating on you - being a virgin yourself

[Luke Skywalker]

A followup to my other thread. Ok, now you are a virgin, who has a gf/bf, or are engaged to get married, and you find out that he/she cheated on you and lost it to some guy/gal at a bar or player, or lost it to someone who he/she picked up from the internet that simply aroused him/her ---

 

How would you feel? Would you dump her/him for giving her 'gift' to someone else while you are in a relationship with her/him? Would you still value virginity after that or would you just the heck with it, what's the point, and just go with any prostitute to lose yours?

 

How was your reaction, or how do you think your reaction would be?

[HellFrost666]

Hell yes I would dump her! I think most people would consider that unforgivable. That is just downright cruel.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I would only dump them for the reason they cheated. The whole gift thing is crap in my book.

[Luke Skywalker]

Hell yes I would dump her! I think most people would consider that unforgivable. That is just downright cruel.

 

Would you stay a virgin after an experience like that to 'wait for the right girl' or would you go with a prostitute or casual hookup to lose it with anyone thinking you are getting even with that girl by doing so and bragging that you gave your gift away to them instead of her.

[Luke Skywalker]

I would only dump them for the reason they cheated. The whole gift thing is crap in my book.

 

How many chances do you give someone who cheats on you? Just one chance, three strikes and your out, or zero chances they do it and it's over - how tolerant are you to that behaviour?

[renaissancewoman101]

If somebody cheated on me, I would be terribly hurt by his action and I would want to know why and depending on the reason, I may or may NOT give him another chance. I am not a cruel person but I have my limits too.

[HellFrost666]

Would you stay a virgin after an experience like that to 'wait for the right girl' or would you go with a prostitute or casual hookup to lose it with anyone thinking you are getting even with that girl by doing so and bragging that you gave your gift away to them instead of her.

 

I... don't know what I would do really. That is a question I couldn't answer unless I was in that situation.

 

But, I have only ever slept with three people in my life, and all of them were/are people I was in relationships with. So, if in that situation I would probably wait until somone serious came along. But that is just a guess going on my case history.

[doyathink]

If....you are saving yourself for this person, who just cheated on you and gave it away to someone else....I would probably dump them.

 

Now, if your just saving it for marriage and not for that particular person....I dont know....lose it when and where you want too....it's your body.

[annie24]

I would call off the wedding. Regardless of whether it was sex, or kissing, or if they even just posted an online profile! cheating is not cool, nor is an attempt to cheat. I wouldn't take them back unless they were REALLY sorry and agreed to go to couples' counseling with me until I was certain that they would not cheat again. I wouldn't go forward with the marriage until that issue was cleared up.

 

PS - my answer is the same whether I am a virgin or not.

[Dako]

Dump them for cheating.

Compared to love, virginity isn't even a blip on the radar.

Love is the real gift and it lasts longer than 2 minutes of awkward poke-poke.

[CarnelianButterfly]

How many chances do you give someone who cheats on you? Just one chance, three strikes and your out, or zero chances they do it and it's over - how tolerant are you to that behaviour?

The cheat and they're gone. There is no hope for a reconciliation. That bridge is not only burnt, but it's foundations are obliterated with dynamite.

[yeawutever]

No tolerance for cheating on my book. Virgin or not, they would be on the curb for cheating. Cheating = no commitment, no integrity, no value nor love.

[candy604]

Would you stay a virgin after an experience like that to 'wait for the right girl' or would you go with a prostitute or casual hookup to lose it with anyone thinking you are getting even with that girl by doing so and bragging that you gave your gift away to them instead of her.

 

 

that's the stupidest logic i have heard. I would save my viriginty for someone who deserved it. If you try to get even with your bf/gf that's simply a very stupid immature move.

 

Dump him/her and go find someone that deserves you. You'd be so glad to have saved it for the right person.

[Ellie2006]

I agree w/ Candy604.

 

If your virginity (which you equate w/ personal integrity) is so meaningful to you, why would you "give it away" to a prostitute out of spite? If you're so easily provoked into giving away your virginity, perhaps your conviction and commitment to staying a virgin didn't mean much to start with.

 

Also, Luke, you could have posed this question on your other thread, since you raised this same question over there.

[Luke Skywalker]

But isn't the cheating worst than other types of cheating since 'virginity' is involved in the equation - most people will see cheating as cheating, but if it's a virgin that cheats on someone for the first time, that is not cheating times ten or anything - same effect as other types of cheating?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Son, you are trying to live in a black and white world there, and the world is shades of gray... Should you go kick someone because your best friend kicked someone? or take drugs because he did, etc. etc.

 

You are turning the state of virginity into some kind of holy grail which is the only and most important thing in the universe, when it is just one (usually) short event that occurs when people lose it... It is NOT the most important thing about living life, nor is anyone else's behavior or choice regarding their virginity something of such great significance that you should alter your own behavior or beliefs because someone else disappoints you...

 

there are so many other things more important in a relationship than just the presense/absense of virginity in a relationship... love, trust, caring, truthfulness, support, understanding, fidelity, etc. All these are greater gifts (and should last throughout a relationship) and be considered far more important than having your first time with someone...

 

where/when you do that has to be based on your own choices, but don't judge/damn the whole world because they happened to think other things are equally valuable to bring to a relationship.

 

my guess is that you are a virgin, and sometimes virgins do obsess about virginity, but believe me, once you aren't a virgin anymore, its significance in your life fades away as secondary to other things in life that have real lasting importance and significance...

 

you can make your own choices about when to lose your virginity, but it is NOT the most important thing that will happen in your life/relationship. many many other gifts and tragedies will happen in your own life, so you need to learn to put things into perspective...

[luvursmile]

I would dump him cause he cheated, not for giving his "gift" to someone else.

[CarnelianButterfly]

But isn't the cheating worst than other types of cheating since 'virginity' is involved in the equation - most people will see cheating as cheating, but if it's a virgin that cheats on someone for the first time, that is not cheating times ten or anything - same effect as other types of cheating?

Cheating is cheating, to me a virgin cheating is no worse than a non-virgin, you want bad cheating, a spouse having sex while their partner is sick, that is ten times worse. Why worry about a little flap of skin on a woman, there are so many more things in life more important to invest your energy on.

[treefrogkate]

I'm really not trying to be mean here, I really am not. I just don't understand the thinking that is behind your posts.

 

You are out of control with the "gift" stuff. Really and honestly, it is the person you are with that makes it special, not whether or not you are a virgin. Case in point: sex with my ex-husband was not great (and before you get on a divorce rant, I was being abused by the ex-husband in question, and that is the reason I kicked him out). Sex with my boyfriend now, whom I love deeply and more than I ever imagined I could, is amazing. It doesn't matter if you've been with 0 or 10 other people, it is the person you are with and your feelings for one another that make it special.

 

Now that that's out of the way, it's the cheating (and not the virginity losing) that would cause me to dump the person.

 

About going to a prostitute, I guess to get some sort of "revenge" on the other person? That's ludicrous! Either you want to have sex or you don't. You shouldn't base this on anyone else's actions, but on your own feelings. Yeesh.

 

Really read, and then reread, Dako's comment. The man speaks wisdom.

 

I wasn't going to comment in your other thread, but putting these threads together, you put way too high a value on a woman's past, and way too little value on a woman's present and possible future with you.

 

You consider yourself to be less of a man because you're a virgin, and consider women to not be "real" women if they aren't virgins. Double-standard much?

[RayKay]

I would break it off because they broke their commitment to me, it is not about them having given their "gift" as you call it...I would break it off whether they were a virgin or not.

[caro33]

A followup to my other thread. Ok, now you are a virgin, who has a gf/bf, or are engaged to get married, and you find out that he/she cheated on you and lost it to some guy/gal at a bar or player, or lost it to someone who he/she picked up from the internet that simply aroused him/her ---

 

How would you feel? Would you dump her/him for giving her 'gift' to someone else while you are in a relationship with her/him? Would you still value virginity after that or would you just the heck with it, what's the point, and just go with any prostitute to lose yours?

 

How was your reaction, or how do you think your reaction would be?

 

Cheating is awful no matter how you cut it. Being betrayed hurts. And I imagine that if I and my boyfriend were both virgins who had agreed to wait for one another, then that the sense of betrayal would be amplified if they went and slept with someone else.

 

But don't get me wrong here Luke, when one is in a committed relationship it hurts terribly when you are betrayed regardless of if you are a virgin or not. You have still chosen to share yourself with that person exclusively. I hope you never have to go through such a betrayal, but the fact is that it happens to many people.

 

Virginity for many of us ceases to be of any issue once we have been through that particular rite of passage of losing it (as Dako put it: "2 minutes of awkward of poke-poke" ). I realise it seems like a really big deal from your perspective, and it is a reasonably big deal, from an emotional and perhaps spiritual viewpoint, but it is not the be-all and end-all of adult relationships. It can't be. People are far more complex in their capacity to get along and be compatible than just the two camps of 'virgin' and 'non-virgin'.

 

Ah, but that is more pointless debate related to your other thread, sorry.

 

If I was in your hypothetical situation I do not think I would go out and lose it to the next person who walks my way. If I did that it would show I had not really valued my virginity in the first place; I had just seen it as something I had to please another person. I would feel tremendously crushed, dump them, cry for weeks, and then eventually lose my virginity when it was the right time for me according to my own moral and personal framework.

 

I have not said anything new here, I think the posts provided have a pretty common theme.

[Luke Skywalker]

I want to add another element to this thread to amplify the feelings even further. Imagine you never had a gf/bf, and you have esteem issues, and this is like the first relationship you've had past 30 y/o and emotions and all that stuff is involved, and imagine that something like this happened, where you are both virgins, but she/he gave it to someone else down the relationship when she/he was getting bored or what not, and went with some hot babe/stud - then I think that in these escarbating scenerios, I think that would be the epitomy of betrayal if there is such a concept.

 

If there is a greater form of betrayal, I'm not sure what that could be.

 

In terms of wasting one's virginity - in a sense, I see the perspective, you cant get even with an imagination - from the perspective of dumping someone, they cease to exist - you can only get even with someone if you are going to spend your future with them - not if they cease to exist (in your mind)

 

Second of all, the choice to keep or lose virginity is really a matter of moral framework, values and belief systems - but what happens if you have contradictory belief systems, that's obviously going to lead to some sort of confusion and paranoia. One one hand virginity is a gift to be shared with someone who deserves it. On the other hand, it's a social stigma for a guy to remain a virgin after a certain age, and when a gal betrays him for another non-virgin guy to lose her virginity, then it's not only a betrayal issue here.

[Luke Skywalker]

I'm relaying some issue in the back of my mind. There are no real people involved, and I have never personally experienced this type of betrayal and have never been in a relationship with anyone - especially a virgin, so this type of betrayal could never have been experienced.

 

However, an analogous 'experience' was felt in September, 2006, which has led to a bunch of things that have stayed in 'containers' in the back of my mind. I felt something similar to that.

 

A virgin girl I was interested in lost her virginity, got dumped by a guy after he did her, then came to me as her second choice and I was finished with her when I found it out - and was insulted to be her second choice. This was very disturbing to me, although, I was not directly betrayed as there was never any relationship, but I'm now able to understand this as a very serious issue for other guys, who like me, would feel crushed at this type of thing, especially if you are not that good with girls to start with and feel it's likely going to be a long time before you meet another suitable match.

[renaissancewoman101]

Question for you, how would you know if the girl you were interested in was a virgin or not? For all you know, she could be lying to you.

[caro33]

I want to add another element to this thread to amplify the feelings even further. Imagine you never had a gf/bf, and you have esteem issues, and this is like the first relationship you've had past 30 y/o and emotions and all that stuff is involved, and imagine that something like this happened, where you are both virgins, but she/he gave it to someone else down the relationship when she/he was getting bored or what not, and went with some hot babe/stud - then I think that in these escarbating scenerios, I think that would be the epitomy of betrayal if there is such a concept.

 

If there is a greater form of betrayal, I'm not sure what that could be.

 

Luke I get what you are saying, and I recognise that if you put virginity at the centre of your moral and relationship universe that this situation might be the greatest form of betrayal. So that's accepted.

 

But for many of us while the above would feel bad and we would be terribly hurt, there are probably much worse forms of betrayal. Some of them you can read about on this forum; situations of physical and emotional abuse, of rampant cheating, of husbands/wives having HIV and not telling their spouse even though they are being treated for it and the spouse is not. There are sad stories of 20-30 year marriages ending with terrible things said, of personalities changed. You have married and/or deeply committed people waking up to find their world has been turned upside down; they married someone who lied to them, stole all the shared finances. Slept with the spouse's best friend and got them pregnant, etc. Nasty, traumatic stuff.

 

Now that's not to belittle your own experience. Yes, that's bad and it would be frustrating and hurtful to have happen to you what happened in September. But perspective is a good thing.