THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[houdini]

Day 17 for me, she did email me on monday to say thank you for the money and gift for my son. I replied to her contact with a short thank you and i missed the kids. Hard to do full NC when there are kids involved. Is there something about today that seems to be putting everyone in a depressed mood today??? I've read other posts and it seems like today seems to be getting everyone down. If so, I'm one of the many that feel like today has been extremely hard for me. I'm trying so desperately not to email or call my ex as all I've been able to think about today is how she changed her feelings overnight and throw our futures away and me as if it were a piece of trash!!!!! Feeling down today, extremely sad and depressed... I miss her but I'm not sure I even know who she is anymore....... Hope for better days soon!!!!

[ahhh2jz]

Day 62 NC - i'm ready for another 30 more days; getting easier and easier. I'm planning a 12 week training program for myself right now; doing 3 day splits; setting myself a goal of getting more mass.

[broken7]

Day 2 here! He texted me yesterday but I didn't respond. Haven't heard anything from him today, but im holding strong, and wont break, not this time! I wont show him any weakness, Im keeping myself occupied, and starting to hang out with old friends. I have my moments where I miss him, but then remember the reason we aren't together - he cheated, and showed no remorse about it! Looking forward to better days when he doesn't even cross my mind anymore!

[Rosie007]

Day 23

 

I've been breaking out crying last night and today. Getting the "harm yourself" feeling -- something I've never succumbed to, but when the waves of self-hatred come, I have to hold tight, let them pass through me, and keep going. Curiously enough, chocolate helps, but I don't want the side effects (i.e., weight gain).

 

My resolve for NC is not weakening, but I've been angry at him in my head for past hurts, and I am getting flashes of how I want to tell him off for hurting me so. I often wonder if he has any conscious at all about the way he treated me, behaving so callously, or if he's so busy meeting his new person at the door, greeting her with wild passionate kisses, the way he once did me. He's not over his ex (uh, that wouldn't be me; I'm rebound girlfriend, in his mind I probably don't even rank as an ex. Perhaps to him I'm a Neverwas, too); I can't imagine he has any feelings / concerns / sense of loss / regrets left over for me. I know that's selling myself short, and I know that it's silly to think we could have spent the amount of time together that we did without him being impacted in some way, but ..... hmmm .... I don't what .... I don 't know where I'm going with this thought. There's no resolution to these little torturous thoughts.

 

I have been wanting to tell him off all day, write an e-mail, tell him how he hurt me. But I know such an effort would be a total waste of my time, because truly, what would it accomplish? No one wants to think bad things about himself / herself. And I'm not entertaining the thought of breaking NC to send such a diatribe. What I did consider is following in the footsteps of ComfyShoes and writing the letter just to let go of the bad energy, and then posting it here. I loved that action. I've seen other people use these forums to "not send" letters to exes, but at least get the feelings off their chests.

 

What is making very, very upset is that I've been having feelings of I'd rather be with him, without my self respect, my dignity, than be alone like this. Although I know it's not logical, it's so hard to have faith that I'll have another relationship.

 

 

Incidentally, I actually have a coffee date lined up for Friday. Whooptidoo. Another person to stand me up, or play little games, etc., etc. I so love dating.

 

 

If it's not apparent I have a lot of anger issues today, well, I just made myself really happy. Some might call it acting out but I just sent the following message to 20 guys on a dating website who didn't have the courtesy to reply to my e-mail (sent in the past 30 days):

 

Subject: Don't Worry

 

Message:

I don't have any feelings.

 

It's fine that you don't have the courtesy to say thanks but no thanks.

 

And really, good manners are just so passe

.

 

 

Mind you, this fine sentiment was sent to strangers on a dating site who didn't have the courtesy to respond ... not Rex!

 

Oh, I'm on a roll. I think I'd better go to bed, but let me tell you it felt good to send those e-mails. Not only do I say "thanks, but no thanks" to any one who contacts me who I deem inappropriate, I respond to say "thanks, but no thanks" if it's merely for a wink, when they haven't taken the time to write a brief e-mail.

 

Yeah. I'm sooooooo looking forward to getting back on the horse and trying to date again. It's such a pleasant experience.

 

 

Having said all that ... I still do want to reach out to some people. Hopefully my anger doesn't undermine my message. No matter what my emotional state might be right now, I have no doubt that contacting "that guy" would only make me feel about 100 times worse. And with that, I'd like to say ...

 

Day 2 here! He texted me yesterday but I didn't respond. Haven't heard anything from him today, but im holding strong, and wont break, not this time! I wont show him any weakness, Im keeping myself occupied, and starting to hang out with old friends. I have my moments where I miss him, but then remember the reason we aren't together - he cheated, and showed no remorse about it! Looking forward to better days when he doesn't even cross my mind anymore!

 

Hang in there Broken7. What you're doing for yourself is so important. I'm sorry to hear he cheated on you. I'm glad to hear you're taking care of yourself.

 

 

Feeling very emotional. A little weepy tonight. So many different emotions running through me at the minute. Hurt, loss, anger, sadness. I'll continue like this for as long as it takes.

 

Hang tight SadOldMan! Here's a little poem from one of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut. The memory of it always brightens my day a little:

 

"Where's my good old gang done gone?"

I heard a sad man say.

I whispered in that sad man's ear,

"Your gang's done gone away."

 

 

Here's another Kurt Vonnegut poem I've always loved:

 

We do, doodley do, doodley do, doodley do,

What we must, muddily must, muddily must, muddily must;

Muddily do, muddily do, muddily do, muddily do,

Until we bust, bodily bust, bodily bust, bodily bust.

 

-Rosie

 

p.s. While I was typing this message, a person from my dating site apologized for not saying "no thanks." It made me feel a little better.

[rsxguy520]

day 60. exhusted!!! to the MAX! had orientation today. seems like i won't be spending a lot of time on eNotalone much longer. lol. study study study! meet so many people today, and saw so many great looking gals..hmmm..college is definitely going to be fun for me now. its pretty funny how my ex didn't cross my mind at all. feels like i never was associated to her when i meet and saw so many girls. i love being single! yee! looking at all those females reminds me of going to 31 flavors (baskin robins)..so many choose from, so many flavors. GOSH! its so awesome. well school starts on the 26th of this month. hopefully from now till then i post post post. then likely i will do weekly "summaries" and what not.

 

afterwards, went to the gym, barely did any weight lifting due to my exhusted body from todays orientation. tomorrow is another day, meaning another post.

[MasterT]

Day 14.... Right now I'm a pile of ashes.... I don't know what to do.

 

EDIT: 2:26AM

 

God continues to amaze and help me. I've spent the last hour begging God to help me... To guide me.... I ran accross this web page that I wasn't even looking for in my search for something else, and I felt the urge to take a peek. After just reading part of it, I felt His presense again... In those few moments, my faith and strength has once again been renewed. I now feel that everything is going to work out for me. I am going to be okay, because I feel that God will provide for me.

[Wandering_Sword]

Third attempt, Day 7

 

Total combined days of NC: 130

 

Attempts at NC: 3

 

With each attempt at NC and the number of days passed, I'm feeling lighter on my feet and stronger in my heart...

[honeyspur]

Day 14.... Right now I'm a pile of ashes.... I don't know what to do.

 

EDIT: 2:26AM

 

God continues to amaze and help me. I've spent the last hour begging God to help me... To guide me.... I ran accross this web page that I wasn't even looking for in my search for something else, and I felt the urge to take a peek. After just reading part of it, I felt His presense again... In those few moments, my faith and strength has once again been renewed. I now feel that everything is going to work out for me. I am going to be okay, because I feel that God will provide for me.

 

I agree - all we need to do is remain still and He listens......

[omayra]

I love my ex to do this to him I cant do this even if i badly would like to I wouldnt last long AT ALL!!!

[macgyver4ever]

Day 5

 

It took me awhile to figure out what what day of NC it was. Don't know if that is a good sign.

 

I miss my ex but feel more anger than anything towards her. Still very hurt by her actions. I don't know if I will ever fully get over it.

 

I spoke with the girl I am seeing and she is so understanding. I wish everyone going through a breakup could meet someone as wonderful as her. We talked for awhile about taking it slow and the progress I am making. I am feeling better so its good.

 

Every time I start to get upset about what my ex has done, I remind myself that it doesn't matter because I never have to go back to her again. I don't have to forgive her for her sake, only for my own, and I will let time do its work.

 

Thank you everyone for your help and support!

 

Today I feel: Confident, Melancholy, Depressed, Excited, and Angry. At least my head doesn't hurt today!!!

[Scrembledeggs]

Day 22 NC...I don't know if this is really working. I'm again second guessing any positive feelings I have had thus far as "myself trying to trick myself".

 

Last week I felt so much better, and I don't know why...I can't explain it. This week I have been doing the same things, working and keeping busy at night; I have (potentially very) good weekend plans again, and an amazing trip to look forward to after another work week. But whatever was lifting my spirits last week has gone away again. I BARELY thought of her last week, and now she's stuck in my head again, and I can't let her go. Everything is reminding me of her again, and it's really messing with me.

 

I caught up with one of my best friends from college on the phone last night, who (unfortunately for me) is seriously involved with my ex's best friend...he mentioned that they had spent some time with her and her roommates a couple of weeks back..before I could stop myself, I asked if the subject of, well, me, had come up in conversation....his response was that "the subject was avoided". Now, I didn't probe or press to find out any more information, as that would have just been very bad. But it did sort of remind me that she really does still EXIST, that she is out there, that....well, basically a million and a half more possibilities. Now I'm just so caught up in wondering, thinking, overthinking, everything...it's making me so uncomfortable again.

 

I know I told her not to contact me with 'bait' like "I miss you" or "I'm sorry for this"...I told her to only get ahold of me if she had something real and decisive to say about our relationship. She has respected me on this, and not contacted me once. But now I'm feeling angry / hurt that she HASN'T gone against my requests; that the desire to hear my voice or know that I am still ok hasn't overwhelmed her enough for her to try to contact me. Is she 100% done, moved on, over forever, and she's just afraid to EVER say it straight out?? Is she hurting and having trouble with this, but just trying to be strong?? Has it simply not been enough time yet??? I know there's no way for me to get answers to any of these questions without causing a lot more pain and stress to myself, but this is really eating me up now. I REALLY THOUGHT SHE WOULD TRY TO REACH OUT BY NOW, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. I USED TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN HER LIFE, THE PERSON TO WHOM SHE COULD TELL ANYTHING.

 

I was able to take a step away from this before....but I didn't ACTIVELY do anything for that to happen. So, I don't know how I can distance myself again, now that I've fallen back into it...there was no conscious decision for me to go one way or another....so I can't just actively "turn it off"...sigh....

 

I'm fairly confident that I'll make it to 30 days, but as I've been reading...it's just a number, not a magic number, not a solution in and of itself. I'm a little worried about what will happen after that. I've been thinknig that I'll contact her after my trip (basically another 2 weeks from now), and try to meet with her to exchange some of each other's things that we still have / see if we can have a rational, friendly conversation. This seems like a good idea one minute and a terrible idea the next. I guess I will have to see what kind of place I am in when that time comes...

 

I know I'm telling my story more than anything else, but if anyone has any pertinent advice, please feel free to share. Thanks.

[lovesickkk]

Day 1 went suprisingly bad, although I did have 2 beers to go to sleep,

Today is Day 2, I have a major test tomorrow in Systems pathology, so hopefully that should detract my attention from her. Good luck guys!

 

Day 3 -she blew up my fone and called me 15 times and texted me like 10 times to which i did not repond. Then she emailed me 5 times, and asked for closure. So i IM'd her and we just pretty much argued. Point is, she is now getting a taste of her own medicine. So i guess NC went out the window, but i have not spoke to her on the phone. Its going to get tougher on the weeeknds cuz i will worry about what club she's at or who's she's meeting, hopefully i can stay busy and keep my mind off this.

 

good luck to all!

[Shaker]

Hey, y'all.

 

It's so cool to see everyone responding to each other. Rosie: it's incredible that from the space you're in, you're still up for reaching out. Awesome!

 

Rosie: Enjoy your coffee date. Really. Open mind, and all the rest. And yes, you will meet someone who will put Rex to shame (if shame was a country, he'd already be the grand poobah).

 

Scrembledeggs: Trying to fool yourself? Well, yes, there's something artificial about the '30' day challenge. And you'll have work to do when you get to that number. All of us have had things to deal with still. And the day to day stuff does feel a little false, too: because what you're doing is programming new habits and patterns of behavior. They'll start feeling real at some point, but it takes a while to force them, do them, repeat them.

 

rsxguy: Glad to hear you're enjoying the ladies. I was amazed when my relationship blinders fell off because I actually started noticing hot, interesting men. Hadn't seen them when I was dating. A great space to be in. Yum.

 

lovesickk: weekends are definitely hard. i suggest you fill your social calendar, and pass over your cell phone to a friend if you've been drinking. Drunk dials=bad. 'Scenes' at a club=ick.

[Shaker]

So, I'm posting more today about what it was like to see my ex after the challenge. I needed a day or two to think about it, let it simmer. Here's what I have.

 

I wasn't angry when I saw him (which I'd expected to be). I still found him attractive, even, and that's also a hard place to be in. And, it was really easy to talk with him. We know how to make each other laugh, what stories to tell, and have a long, common history. It was strange being confronted with the person that I felt I knew in November before the cheating, before our world fell apart. He was sitting accross the table from me, only slightly changed: by the end of the night he was apologetic for cheating, apologetic for not appreciating me, apologetic for blaming. Beyond that, he took the time to say what he feels and sees in retrospect by the end of our chat. Lots of nice, mushy stuff. He seemed to really mean what he was saying.

 

The agenda:

So, he came by and picked me up on time. We went out and small-talked for about an hour. Then he slickly moved the conversation to one of my hobbies. I excitedly talked about it with him for a while, and then he offered to take me on a daytrip around the hobby. At this point, I said very clearly that it seemed like rekindling was on the agenda for him, and it wasn't for me. I explained why. He accepted my response.

 

We talked about who we've been dating. His relationship didn't work out, and I guess he's reflecting now on what he wants in a partner, and (cliche!) misses what we had. He's really confused and sad about lots of pieces in his life right now, and wanted a friend (and who knows him better than me) to bounce some ideas off of.

 

He asked questions about my relationship. We talked about our families and friends. We talked a little bit about why our relationship didn't work. What could have happened differently. Didn't want to do too much of that. I kept the chat geared toward the present, and didn't feel comfortable talking too much about personal things. I explained this to him, too.

 

He was teary. It was hard to face. He took me home and we chatted outside for a long while. I think he wants to be friends still. And I don't know if it's in me to do that, if I'll ever like him enough for that. Besides, as long as rekindling is on his agenda, it's best to take more time and space apart.

 

So, I didn't give him my new number (and thank goodness he didn't ask for it). I did offer to be available for a chat if he still has the blues and needs a friendly ear. That's maybe it.

 

Since then, I've felt tired again by the breakup. I've thought about him more, but I'm not longing for him. Just revisiting regrets, I guess.

[macgyver4ever]

Shaker:

 

I hope that someday I can talk to my ex like this. You did great and I am excited for you to be moving on with you life.

 

Question: How did you get over the pain and betrayal of being cheated on? I hate that the person I loved the most thinks this other person is better than I am, and I am having trouble that my ex is in the arms with another man.

Any help would be great.

[Shaker]

Getting over the pain and betrayal: I guess part of it is simple. I really do believe I didn't deserve it. I've never believed that cheating is "just human nature" because I need to have faith in faithfulness.

 

And the other part is feeling like his choice to be with someone else has little to do with me. I know/knew there was love between us, but I also know that the world has a lot to offer in terms of types of love for all of us, and I guess I wasn't the right fit for what my ex was looking for. Loving someone else makes more sense to him. That's something I'm okay with; I'd rather that he made a move based on love than on hate, or because he's a careerist, or because he was depressed, etc.

 

The hardest part: the sense I had of him before he cheated is not how he presented himself in the moment when he made the choice to cheat, and end our relationship. So, I'm still grieving who I thought he was. And what I thought I meant to him. I wish we had broken up before he moved on. That's why I'm reluctant to be friends with him. I lost trust in him, and like him less as a person than I did when I thought he'd never cheat.

[macgyver4ever]

The hardest part: the sense I had of him before he cheated is not how he presented himself in the moment when he made the choice to cheat, and end our relationship. So, I'm still grieving who I thought he was. And what I thought I meant to him. I wish we had broken up before he moved on. That's why I'm reluctant to be friends with him. I lost trust in him, and like him less as a person than I did when I thought he'd never cheat.

 

You've nailed what I am feeling right now. Who was the person I was with that first 3.5 years? The sweet girl who promised never to cheat on me, and was so strong, independent and confident? As soon as things got rough she was out the door. Yes things were bad, she cheated right before I was going to propose, but still, I WAS GOING TO PROPOSE. That should have meant something to her. If I thought what she did was too much to forgive, I would have left her then, but I forgave her.

 

I wish my ex would have handled things better when she ended it as well. It tarnishes all of the great memories we had together, and makes me question who she really is/was. At least I have little to no regrets. I did everything I could, and maybe was a little clingy, but it really wouldn't have mattered. She was going to do this no matter what. Even if she wouldn't have cheated on me last April, and I would have proposed, she still would have met this guy, and might have still done the same thing to me, only this time twice as damaging.

 

I'm trying to move one, and I will. I want to be happy again.

[kate111]

Thank you for taking the time to explain how things went. You seem to see things incredibly clearly and honestly. I hope you find someone who shares your values soon.

[boston23]

hi everyone

 

I haven't posted here for a while, and I guess since I'm not NC right now I'm not sure I should be posting here But I wanted to give everyone an update since everyone here has been so helpful to me, and because I do think that my experience with NC really shows how useful it is (for your personal growth...not for getting back with the ex, etc!!).

 

So basically I broke NC about a week ago by txt; I let my ex know that I realized he's not ok with me and he doesn't have to pretend to be ok. We ended up having a little misunderstanding about that, got that figured out, and then I decided that maybe it would be better if we just got together instead of just having more misunderstandings.

 

So he came over on Tuesday for about 3 hours. We basically talked about what's been going on with our lives, but not too much about our relationship. I did confront him about the whole "you're taking away my friends" thing, he explained it and apologized, which was nice. He was actually really nice and hanging out with him felt exactly like it was when our relationship was reallly really good, so that was good.

 

When he was leaving I finally confronted him about being so mean to me the month before we broke up; tears filled my eyes but I didn't actually spill any. He didn't really say much then, but called about 30 min later and apologized for acting that way. And then we ended up talking for another 2 hours or so (until 2:30 am). Every time I had imagined having a closure-talk, it was basically on the lines of me telling him off and letting him know what an *** I thought he was, but the way it worked out was even better. I got accross all the things that I needed to, but it didn't end up being a stressful situation for me.

 

All-in-all, the whole getting back in touch was useful for me, but I think that it would have never been useful had I continued to hope for closure (thanks, Shaker, for getting that out of my head again!), or if I hadn't been able to learn so much about myself throughout these last couple of months. I told him that I really thought that the break up was something that I really needed to have (it was definitely not something I wanted at all), and the break up was really actually important for me to figure myself out a lot more and to figure out my life. I was surprised that I said that, because even though I've written it here, to actually tell him that I realized that it's completely true. I would have never said something like that to him without it being completely 100% true. So I'm happy to look back at these painful 3 months and see how lucky I am that I went through all of that.

 

I am getting the distinct feeling that he wants to get back together, but I'm just going to play it cool until he actually approaches the subject. He definitely broke up w/ the rebound and is trying to figure out (through hints) if I'm dating someone. Ha, it's funny to see him try to do that. In terms of actually getting back together, I know that I've changed in ways that would make the relationship work better than before, but there were a lot of things that he would have to change before I would even consider giving it another shot. But it's nice to have a friend back.

 

So I wanted to give the update about all of that. I apologize for posting it on the NC challenge, but this is where I posted forever, soo.... Actually, maybe my whole experience will help you with NC. Not the talking-to-the-ex-makes-it-better part (because even a week ago it wouldn't have been the case), but the fact that I really do credit NC (and the break up) for all of the growth that I've gone through. So please do not decide to try to get together to talk things over with the ex...read my story to recognize how you can actually look back at this really tough experience and see how it actually might help you (read some of my old posts and you'll see a very different outlook on this stuff).

[boston23]

haha, shaker I see we continue to be each other's shadows!! We had the same NC day during the challenge and now this. Funny

 

oooh, and the whole revisting regrets is definitely true for me too. hearing his side of the story makes me realize that there were lots of things I didn't realize I had been doing, and at least before I had been in the seat of the completely indignant ex-gf ("how could you dare break up with me?!?!!"), now I feel a little more of mixed emotions about the whole thing. But it's done with, so I'm not making sure I don't harp on that stuff (having control of my emotions again is nice!)

[kate111]

Shaker: I'm glad his little fling didn't work out.

[honeyspur]

This is actually really amazing - thanks for posting!

[rsxguy520]

day 61..nothing happened today. did the Eric Forman and slept till good old 1:30. lol. i've really tired as of late cause im preparing for school. i think relatively soon i will switch from the break up forums to the dating forums. haha but i would still like to read and give some advise to those that need some. well its 8:24pm and i still have day 2 for orientation. well thats about it.

[Rosie007]

Day 24

 

I'm soooo tired, but I've had a rather interesting day, and I want to note some of it here.

 

1. As I mentioned yesterday, last night I sent approximately 20 e-mail to men I'd e-mailed in the last 30 days from a popular dating site. I was filled with a little of frustration and anger, and the truth is I had it out with my boss yesterday (second time in a week) and a healthcare provider, who I feel has been lying to me (long story -- too tired to go into). I've been feeling so much pressure and pent up frustration. My boss was telling me that people felt they can't count on me and that they've just been going ahead and doing this it would be my responsibility to do. My response was: You're 100 percent right ... I've been out sick for most of the month of February. I wasn't available, people did have to take it upon themselve to resolve things without me.

 

Alas, I digress. I was trying to describe the curious response I got from 5 of the 20 men I sent the following e-mail to:

 

Subject: Don't Worry

 

Message:

I don't have any feelings.

 

It's fine that you don't have the courtesy to say thanks but no thanks.

 

And really, good manners are just so passe

 

Two men sent a nice apology

 

One man apologized and sent me his contact info in case I might still have any interest in communicating (althought I believe he was suggesting as "just friends")

 

One man was rude.

 

And one man, with whom I'd had one pleasant round of e-mail, said that he was most definitely interested to get to know me better, but I'd stumped him with a word-game challenge I sent him, plus he'd been really busy over the last week.

 

 

Hmmm ... I wonder if failure to call Rex on his frequent bad behavior would have led us down a different path. I didn't call him on a lot of the ways he'd step on my feelings all the time. I tend to error on the side of silence, which always backfires on me.

 

 

2. I just got home from a late dinner with the executive vice president, who's a coworker in our California (CA) office. He'd stopped by to say hello because he was in town for business meetings, and I asked him if he had a job for me because I am soooo ready to move to CA. I'm tired of New York City, where I've lived for a 20 years.

 

Now my heads all aflutter with thoughts of could I really move to the other side of the country? Would I really be happy leaving the job I've loved so much -- for the most part. anyway -- for the right opportunity? Could I really leave my friends behind? Would this really be a positive move? Could I afford to live the kind of life I imagine.

 

 

Minimal thoughts of Rex haunted me today, although the last time I went to CA in October, he started calling me all the time, really missing me -- exhibiting behaviors that somewhat surprised and utterly delighted me.

 

I'm need to sleep. It's getting painfu to stay up and keep writing.

 

All best, ye noble NC comrades. I think you're all fabulous and should be very proud of the way your trying to take care of yourself.

 

Cheers,

 

-Rosie

[ahhh2jz]

Day 63 NC - nothing much going on; doing pretty good