THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[mia1207]

Hey Tha Gipp:

 

Thanks for your encouragement, but what if I cannot stick to NC for now? (I promise I am really trying). My therapist says I should do what feels good for me. As for my ex, he claims he is calling to make sure that I am OK (Yeah Right!), but I think he wants to know that I still want him and that he still has power over me. Also, I am planning to do NC for at least 30 days and then see how it goes. My NC will end on Easter, Perhaps I can see then whether I am strong enough to initiate a friendship. And no, I cannot be friends with him if he is still with the woman who hurt me. I know wvwryone keep saying I deserve better, but right now I miss my friend, he was the person I talked to every night for 2 years and who got me through my grandma's last days. I don;t have too many friends. Now, I am practially over him, but it still hurts to think of him with someone else (I am so hating blond European women right now It especially galls me that they are together when I could have broken up the whole thing with one word. It;s so unfair that they get to carry on while I am so unhappy.

 

I'm going to try NC for the 30 days, but if I can't I'm going to do LC. NC is so against my instincts and I feel it gives him all the power. He is thinking I am so distraught I can;t even have a conversation with him. I was doing so well, I got to day 12 then he called me and I broke it for 4 days. I just don;t know

[mia1207]

Also, when will I know that I am healed? What will it feeel like? As it is now, I have good days and I have not-so-good nights and horrible weekends. Do you all prmoise it will really get better if I stick to NC. ANd by the way, I am not sleeping with my ex; as a matter of fact that is partly the reason we broke up. I never felt he was committed enough to me to want to sleep with him. Plus he seemed to eager to do it without a condom on more than one occasion. Was I wrong to freak out and think twice about sleeping with him?

[Rosie007]

Day 29

 

Mia: I'm not sure what I would advise you. Right after New Years's I learned about this great plan, similar to NC, for postbreak-up behavior, but I wasn't ready to do it. One month later, I'd been hurt so badly, I was ready for NC -- especially because I was kind of doing NC in the first place without knowing it, and then out of the blue, I called him for no specific reason, and he was soooooo cold / indifferent. Here I was feeling so great and strong, and it was ruined in moment.

 

So I don't know if it's possible to tell someone to do something before they feel they're ready for it. But I can tell you that I believe in NC one hundred percent. Make that two hundred percent. It just makes sense.

 

 

I'm running on three hour's sleep right now, and I've had a long day, with a kamikaze visit to Ohio. Took a 6:15 a.m. flight to OH, and came home on the 3:00 p.m. flight, which was actually delayed, so a flight that was supposed to take less than 60 minutes took more than 2.5 hours.

 

Since tomorrow will be Day 30 for me, I will explain more fully why I believe in NC twp hundred percent.

 

Until then, I'd just like to note that I had a very nice first date with someone tonight. We met for coffee in a bookstore, and ended spending about 2.5 hours together walking around the bookstore. The first part of the meeting involved a conversation with a woman sitting at a neighboring table. I'd been chatting with her when my date arrived, and she joined our conversation several times. A rather unique start to getting to know someone, to be sure, especially since we started discussing politics.

 

More will be revealed, I'm sure.

 

Hang in there everyone. Stay NC, and know this: the only thing in life we're guaranteed is change. I don't think any feeling, good or bad, lasts forever. Sometimes I've just had to ride the wave of pain, but it passed. Bad feelings always pass. Life changes. New things / people make me happy.

 

Cheers,

 

-Rosie

[mia1207]

OK, I'm on day 4 of my NC. I'm not sure that I can go the distance since he has been trying to contact me. But I am keeping my fingers crossed. As long as you promise that it will be better. Can I contact him after the 30 days if I feel better? I'm practically ove rhim, I just need to get him out of my system. Plus he has someone else (the person he was cheating on me with

[ahhh2jz]

mia just take it one day at a time; don't look at 30 days; but focus each day towards improving yourself and focusing on yourself and not towards getting a reaction within/at 30 days. Once you've reached 30 days; ask yourself if you still want to break NC and throw away what you started.

[MasterT]

Day 20....

 

Feeling pretty good today. Woke up in a pretty good mood. Also ran accross an incredibly funny music video after reading one of the threads here. Not saying I'd advocate this kind of action, but it's hilarious. Watch: Lily Allen - Smile.

 

Been having more and more dreams lately I've found. At least last night's dream was pretty good compared to the last couple I've had.

 

Had a nice talk with my mother last night about relationships. She's going through a divorce right now, and I found out many of the things I was explaining to her that I've learned over the course of the last twenty days are the same kind of things they are teaching her at her recovery classes. Made for a very interesting conversation.

 

Anyways, 10 more days and I've hit the big 30! I'm feeling pretty good!

[macgyver4ever]

Day 12

 

HI.

I feel good today. I went to see an old friend that I lost contact with because of the breakup. My friend and his girlfriend got too involved in everything and I had to stop contact. I called him up last week and made it a point to see him last night. I didn't tell them what happened until the end of the night, and made the promise not to tell anyone because I want it to be private. I was really hurt by what my ex did to me, and embarrassed that I let it happen. I gave her too much rope.

 

Anyway, it feels good to have him as a friend again. I know things really won't be the same with him, but at least to know I have someone there is really great. I feel ok about breaking up with the girl I was seeing. I see the whole "dumper's remorse" thing now, but know it is just because I am lonely and want someone to talk to and make me feel special. I need to make myself feel that way.

 

I'm in a good mood today. I hope it lasts!!!

 

 

Today I feel: Confident, Happy, Apprehensive, and Energetic!!!

[Scrembledeggs]

Here comes a long one...

 

Day 28. There you have it, it's been 4 full weeks. Nothing from me, nothing from her...I know in the grand scheme of things, it really hasn't been much time at all, and I'm still in something of a haze from all of this..

 

I Spent about 3 1/2 hours on the phone last night, which was pretty unusual for me, but I needed it. 2 different close family members, whom I trust, tried very hard to let me put all of this in perspective...to take a step back and look at WHY exactly I am putting myself through the emotional wringer over this situation...this was met with equal parts resentment and listening/understanding on my part...

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm still not at a point where I can look at everything objectively, but I can admit that A., B., C. and D. of my former relationship could have been better; that just as many of my ex's personality traits left something to be desired, especially looking down the path on which we were headed (moving in, marriage, kids, etc.). As I said before, I resent people trying to tell me these things, I always respond with something like "but you don't know how we were when it was just us; you don't know how she REALLY was". But I guess there is something of a point if SEVERAL people noticed these so called "red flags" in her. It at least gets me to think, reminds me not to just create perfect pictures in my head about what I miss, but also to consider all of the not so great times as well.

 

I don't know....it doesn't really make me want her back any less, but maybe allows for some optimism that there could be something even better out there for me....someday, when I'm really ready to move on.

 

That being said, I still have something of a strong desire to get in touch with her within the next couple of weeks. There are a couple of motivating factors here....

 

1. The last time I saw her, we were both angry, very very angry; I turned my back on her, slammed the door on my way out, got in my car, and drove away. The last time I spoke with her, we were both confused/angry/who knows what, as nothing had had a chance to sink in at all. Now that it's been over a month, some of the dust has no doubt cleared, and if we see each other and it really is the last time, we can end it with a hug and a tear, not spite.

 

2. I actually want to exchange some things of hers that I still have for some things of mine that she still has. I know people will reccomend an impartial party take care of this, but I angrily suggested she just mail my stuff before, which she did not - makes me thing that she was hoping we could at least do that in person.

 

3. I'm not going to lie; part of my motivation is of course to see her face again, both calm, both accepting of the situation, both normal, both removed from relationship quarrels that became more and more frequent toward the end. A part of me thinks that seeing my face again will unlock that spark that faded away in the last few months that we were together. Maybe this first meeting could casually and gradually lead to a second, and we could just sort of get to know each other again. I can deal with the fact that she is dating or whatever at college now; sowing her wild oats...whatever. The idea makes me a little uncomfortable, but nothing like it did at first....I think I can look her in the eye now.

 

Specifically, I wanted to send her an email late next week (after my snowboarding trip, which thank god will put me far away from computers / thinking too much!), and ask to take her out for a cup of coffee or lunch some saturday or sunday afternoon in the next few weeks. Suggest that we exchange the last of our stuff and just catch up a little...

 

***What do y'all think?!?? I will appreciate and consider any advice on this one, even if it's "not what I want to hear". I respect all of your opinions. THANKS!*** Oh, also, my first big post explains the WHOLE situation from the start...

[honeyspur]

***What do y'all think?!?? I will appreciate and consider any advice on this one, even if it's "not what I want to hear". I respect all of your opinions. THANKS!*** Oh, also, my first big post explains the WHOLE situation from the start...

 

 

You know - it's funny you mention 28 days - when the challenge is 30.

Just something I noticed.

 

 

 

I think the whole point is - you gotta make it through the challenge - which you will, only 2 more days, then you do what feels right.

You said everything clearly, unmuddled and organized.

 

Wanting to contact your ex AFTER the challenge is fine because you've regained enough sanity to handle it maturely and properly.

 

The only thing I fear is if you harbor feelings, you could set yourself back. But I think you need to find out.

Even if you meet with her, and it goes badly, I'm not too worried because it was you that made the point to stick this NC out with the intention of getting back to who you are - not her. Although the same may have happened to her - making this a favor you've done for her despite everything.

 

The point is your challenge is nearly over - you achieved something through pain - and that is a testament to your strength and ability.

[macgyver4ever]

Hi Mr. Eggs!

 

Sounds like you are doing better. That's good to see.

 

I know how you feel about contacting your ex. I feel the same, but am not ready. Make sure you are. I thought I was when I contacted her 12 days ago, but I wasn't. It was hell on me and really set me back. I'm still struggling with that.

 

It's good to think about what it is you want to talk to her about, what you need to know to move on. These unanswered questions can eat you up, but really make sure you NEED to know the answer, and you want to.

 

Write out what you want to know, like a big journal entry. What you would say, what you expect to happen, and you TRUE goal of this. If you are expecting or hoping for a Hollywood meeting, then you may want to rethink it.

 

When you come back from your trip, reread over what you had written down and see if everything is still valid. My guess is you will have moved on further since then.

 

Also, remember if you send her an email think about how you will feel if she does not respond or says no. Will this crush you, setting you back further. Would calling be more effective?

 

Stay strong, and enjoy your trip. I'm jealous!

MK

[Texas Girl]

Ok SuperDave sign me up! I first did NC for 3 weeks he came to see me and it went bad. I then started NC again on Fe=b 25 and broke it last night. So it's back to day 1 again! I know I can do this!

[Scrembledeggs]

Thanks guys...I feel like I am a little more organized in my thoughts today...gonna try to keep it that way, and also dwell less than I was earlier this week. IT'S NOT WORTH IT!

 

Honeyspur: Yeah, I was mentioning 28 days, not 30, but I fully intend to get through all 30...I guess it was because I'm planning to wait until at least next Friday (after I get back from my trip) to make any sort of a move, so I was just looking at it from that point of view.

 

Macgyver4ever: Writing down everything I want to say and what I REALISTICALLY hope to gain from a meeting is a great idea. I plan to do that.

 

I don't want to build this up in my head as a real solution or give myself the false idea that she's just waiting for me to come back for a reconciliation. At worst, I won't be able to look at her straight, and that will be that. I'll drive home, but at least I'll know. Perhaps we can gain some much needed closure and mutual understanding. Won't know until I try. As far as her responding to an email, I don't doubt that she will. A call would give me the opportunity to get off track, and that can be dangerous.

 

Again, thanks for your advice.

[ahhh2jz]

An early post today for me:

 

Day 70 NC - I'm doing pretty good; and school has been occupying most of my time; and now the gym is back in full swing! I find myself fitting a lot of the clothes I couldn't even squeeze into before which is a good sign of physical progress. Emotionally, doing better than I was when I first started. Just have to believe in yourself and I think we can do it.

[houdini]

Day 24.....

 

Still riding this emotional rollercoaster of emotions. When is it going to stop!!!!! I didn't ask to get on so please Mr. Rollercoaster Operator Man...LET ME OFF!!!!!!.... Anyhow, I still miss her, think about her and wonder if she is doing the same. Still confused as ever as to why she gave up on us on issues we could have fixed if we had communicated better.....I think it makes it difficult when your ex is a stubborn, prideful, hard headed woman because that only reaffirms my thinking that she will NEVER call me or reach out to me for any type of reconciliation... So I guess I need to keep focusing on this NC stuff and keep believing that it's for ME to heal and not to get them back.... Easier said than done!!!!......Hang in there ENA Buddies.....Hope one day we can all come back and pat eachother on the back, laughing, smiling and high-fiving eachother saying "WE MADE IT THROUGH" and truly be happy and over the heartache......

 

Sooner or later it will happen!!!!

 

Houdini

[rsxguy520]

day 68...life is good. work on the car today...seriously takes my mind away from practically anything. which is good. anyways, i really can't wait till this friday. going clubbin, first time in a long time. haha. i hope to see plenty of women, and plenty of alcohol. =)

[Rosie007]

Day 30

 

Woo hoo!

 

 

I have no intention of contacting him tomorrow, or in the foreseeable future. Why would I want to call 1-800-DIAL-PAIN?

 

Tonight I need to take care of myself and go to sleep. As ever, I'm exhausted. Doing too much, and perhaps I'm not up to full speed since I was so ill in February.

 

It's unlikely I'll be able to give my 30-day reflection until the weekend. I look forward to it.

 

In the meantime, I want to thank all the delightful people who helped. I also want to offer hope and congratulations to all you amazing folks on her doing the challenge.

 

Oh, and, I wouldn't want to forget SuperDave. Without his challenge, I'd probably be in misery still. Thanks, SuperDave. You've given me a new lease on life. Truly.

 

-Rosie

[SuperDave71]

Rosie,

 

This is alllllll you babe!!

 

 

Truly!

 

 

 

CONGRATS!!!

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[msDazed_N_Confused]

I just been dumped after 7+ years for some strange reasons. We never had big arguments we never cheated on eachother, i stood by him during very tough times and he just upped and left. I tried to talk to him once after 2 weeks and that ended badly. Tried to contact by text during the 2 weeks after that but got one reply saying, i don't want to have anything to do with you. Can't believe you love someone one day and the next day you leave.

I'm here for the cure and my aim is not 30 days but forever.....however, it is sooooooo hard to NC, i am entering day 2 and i need all the support i can get....or duct tape!

[comfyshoes]

It's been a little while now since i posted my rantings here.

I was a bit of a mess for a while (again!).

I went out last week with a friend from work to see a band (howling bells, very good live!) and had a few beers. My first alcohol since august of last year. (been on a diet and looking fab. 4 stone lost so far)

Well, i get home a little drunk and decide to call her. She's on another call when she answers so i tell her that that's fine and go to hang up. But, she tells me to wait and disconnects with the other person.

I ask who she was speaking to and she tells me i don't get to ask that anymore which is fine.

We get to talking somewhat openly. She tells me of the troubles she is having with her son, how she's bogged down with school work, back in chatrooms because she is so very lonely, but not lonely for me. She tells me that all she has been doing since her divorce is trawling chatrooms looking for someone to adore her which led her to ask me if that was all i was to her.

This is the point where she started to cry. She told me that i was much more than that to her. So much more.

 

She asked if i had completed all the exams and interviews so that i could actively look for a nursing job in the US. I told her that i had and she answered by saying she wished i hadn't told her that.

 

We talked for about an hour just about what we had been doing. I told her that i had joined medicines sans frontiers and she broke down again and asked me to promise that i would not go to anywhere involved in an active conflict then followed by asking me if i wanted to be her girlfriend again. I told her not at this moment, that i was moving on. she told me she had moved on.

 

She said we could keep in touch but a this moment she needed to say "patience is a virtue, less is more, slow and steady wins the race". When i asked her what she meant she just said show me some patience, run a slow race and i really need less of the more right now. She made me promise that i would not call her while i was away with MSF as she would be very concerned about me if she knew where i was. She told me to stay safe and called me 'babe' (as she did throughout the entire conversation).

 

that's a summary of the phone call.

 

Any thoughts anyone?

Any advice?

 

please!!!!!!!!!

 

shoes

[macgyver4ever]

Day 13

 

Yesterday was a good day. I'm still questioning whether or not to contact my ex at some point so she knows that I still love her and I have not given up on a future together. Not much new. I wrote in my journal last night, and read some during lunch yesterday. I found out that my ex and I worked together so well because we both play the wrong roles in the relationship. Women are usually pursuers in a relationship, and men are distancers, but I am a pursuer and she is a distancer. Basically she likes her freedom and being social, and I like staying in and settling down. We kept each other honest.

 

I'm hoping for another good day. Last night the girl I broke up with kept texting me. I was nice, but short with her. I'm not going to lead her on.

 

 

Today I feel: Betrayed, Confident, Upbeat, Upset, and Indifferent.

[MasterT]

Day 21...

 

Yesterday was fun. Spending time with my friends keeps me from thinking of the ex. Good stuff. Had some interesting conversations on relationships with one of my buddies yesterday. She and I came up with the same conclusion, that the world seems to spend too much energy on relationships. But yea, I can learn a lot from her. She's perfectly content being single, and she has been all her life thus far.

 

However, this morning was kind of crappy. Just woke up in a bad mood. I'm trying to listen to some music to pull myself out of it. I've come to the conclusion that I really hate mornings. >_

[SuperDave71]

Master T,

 

Beware the Ides of March.....ha ha ha

 

 

Get your butt up and make that day a GOOD ONE!!!

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave

[MasterT]

Master T,

 

Beware the Ides of March.....ha ha ha

 

 

Get your butt up and make that day a GOOD ONE!!!

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave

 

Haha, already working on plans to make this day great!

[macgyver4ever]

I just lost my job. I'm a mess.

[bear12]

first, mac, i'm really sorry to hear about the job loss.. i don't mean to just ignore it and talk about my own stuff, but i think you've been talking about it a bit in diff. threads so hopefully it's okay to keep that discussion over there instead of bringing it here too.

 

anyway, i'm on day 24 of NC... i never officially signed up for the challenge b/c i only discovered this forum about a week ago and i'd already been on it, but the thing is, i swear it's getting harder rather than easier. today and yesterday have been awful. i miss him SO much, and want nothing more than to write him a simple email to say "hey, what's up?" i clearly still have feelings for him and am not ready to be true friends yet, but i can't help but think that 1) maybe he's missing me too and is just waiting for me to contact him (b/c i was pretty clear to him when we stopped talking that he should leave me alone and i know he'll respect that indefinitely) and/or 2) just having a brief hello and quick chat would make me feel better- give me confidence that someday we can be friends again (i'm friends with my other two major exes and believe it can work..) but maybe i'm just dilluting myself?

 

i know everyone keeps saying that you shouldn't contact them unitl you don't want them back, but i'm honestly not sure i'll EVER feel that way about him (we've been broken up for three months now...) and the thought that b/c of that i'll never be able to have a relationship with him again (as friends/acquantances, whatever...) makes this all the more difficult to handle.

 

thoughts?