The (un)attractivness of a shy person

[Honey Pumpkin]

Shy as in hard to approach, appearing very aloof in public.

 

No, I don't find that endearing. I find that the person who is like that is so busy thinking about how THEY are feeling that I actually find it bizarrely self-centred and all about them. It's as if they think their emotions are more important than anything else in the room.

 

What I DO find attractive is someone who is nervous but having a bash anyway - that seems really brave to me, and makes me smile. I find that endearing. But someone looking aloof and haughty, I'm not that into them.

[shy2cool]

No, I don't find that endearing. I find that the person who is like that is so busy thinking about how THEY are feeling that I actually find it bizarrely self-centred and all about them. It's as if they think their emotions are more important than anything else in the room.

 

What I DO find attractive is someone who is nervous but having a bash anyway - that seems really brave to me, and makes me smile. I find that endearing. But someone looking aloof and haughty, I'm not that into them.

 

OK, let me rephrase that... what if I came up to you and asked a question, while trembling and blushing?

[Northalius]

For me,

 

A shy girl = a more innocent girl. And I love innocence.

 

A shy girl = a more conservative girl. And I love a girl that doesn't just throw themselves on just anyone.

 

A shy girl = a more inexperienced girl. And I love being the one to teach a girl, because it'll make us grow that much more closer together.

 

A shy girl = a girl that isn't full of herself, thinking she's "all that". And I love someone who will like knowing who I am, instead of always selfishly thinking about herself as being "God's gift to mankind".

 

A shy girl = a girl with low self-confidence. And I love being the one to see how happy she'll become when I show her she's worth way more than she thinks she is.

 

Of course, I love others being confident in themselves, and respecting themselves; but for me to help someone lacking that, to then having these traits, and see them happy afterward because of it, would be priceless to me.

 

Of course, I'm not saying I like all shy girls; it really depends on their personality once I get to know them! But, them being shy is not a bad thing, at least to me.

 

May I safely assume that certain women like a shy guy, because it lets the woman know the guy isn't full of himself...? That'd definitely be different from the norm, huh?

 

I used to be shy, also! And still am, in certain situations. But, I've grown out of it, and am much more confident in situations; yet, I still have a certain humility that keeps me from ever being cocky. This is the perfect balance, imo.

[cpc28655]

personally, I think it is simply a matter of control. A shy person is seen as passive and susceptible to the will of others.

[TheRedQueen]

Lets face it... how can non shys be attracted to us shy people beyond superficial things like looks. I mean initially, it's not like we are able to wow them with our great personality.

I love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love shy men!!!

[shy2cool]

A shame that I dunno anyone like that.

[anggrace]

I would but the guys heavily out number the available girls. When girls have a choice, do you think they'd chose the shy guy or the outgoing guy with a nice car?

 

I may try again though.

 

Id choose the shy guy!

[confuzedboy89]

Thats cause the women here are older and more mature. They can understand alittle better. The younger girls will mostly choice an outgoing guy with confidence. not always, there is exception but they are not the more attractive type of girls.

 

And it seems nobody takes the time to understand shy people. It's not like they want to be shy. Do you think they want to sit there quite and self depricate. Do you think they want to sit there and be sad, and not have fun. Do you think they want to feel like no one like's them. They don't want to be quite or seem rude, theirs just this mental block that keeps them from socializing easly. There's just a social barrier. The people im talking about are the real shy people. Not the people that say there shy around new people and then 5 days later there dancing on the tabletop. Like no, your not shy shutup.

[shy2cool]

Of course they don't. That's why I don't sit around doing nothing. I'd rather go places on my own, which I do.

[stopit]

It's not like these things are within control of the shy person. We don't intentionally try to barracade ourselves away and then send out death stares when people approach us. I, for one, make an honest effort to always smile when people approach me and then start and keep up the conversation (and no, I don't just nod: I actually talk).

 

Being shy already means being condemned to these social difficulties. But how is it fair to be blamed additionally for rudeness and self-centeredness when most of us make an effort to stow away our mounting self-consciousnesses...?

[krnelson2]

Shy2cool! Dont ever tell yourself that because you are shy that you are worthless and dont mean anything to anyone. You are who you are and thats that. If you choose, you can change your ways and become more outgoing. I have considered myself shy as weel around new people. I open up well to those that I feel comfortable around. But I think a lot of people have hit the nail on the head when saying that people women especially find shyness attractive. Think about this; I'm sure you know people who "Steal the show" everywhere they go. And may go WAY over the top to do that. Do you want to be that person? The person that people go home and say "wow that guy was kind of a jack****. He never shut his mouth" or would you rather be the cool calm and collected guy who sits back and takes everything in? That mysterious aura is what makes you attractive to others. They know everything about the guy who thinks hes God becuase he spent the last few hours telling all the strangers in the room his life story, but they cant quite put their finger on what it is you have to offer, and that makes them want to warm up to you and find out. If it makes you feel better dont use the word shy, shy to me means that you cop out of things because you feel uncomfortable with new situations. Find a different word. And the biggest thing is force yourself into those uncomfortable situations and dont be afraid of rejection sometimes, whats the worst that could happen? Its their loss. everyone is special in their own way, but if you dont believe that in yourself then you will spend the rest of your life wallowing in self pity. Get out there bud and live your life. But most importantly BE YOURSELF. you have spent years developing who you are. There is no reason to change that for anyone else. Be happy with yourself, and let others see that. It does wonders for your ego!!

[Dara]

No, I don't find that endearing. I find that the person who is like that is so busy thinking about how THEY are feeling that I actually find it bizarrely self-centred and all about them. It's as if they think their emotions are more important than anything else in the room.

 

What I DO find attractive is someone who is nervous but having a bash anyway - that seems really brave to me, and makes me smile. I find that endearing. But someone looking aloof and haughty, I'm not that into them.

 

Is there any thing that scares you Honey Pumpkin?

Its not self absorbed-ness, its fear.

Its like a person who's afraid of heights standing at the bottom of a mountain trying to work up the courage to climb it. Meanwhile all her friends are having a great time rock climbing.

Its like you want to join in because you see how much fun it is, but you are afraid.

[Salucious]

A good psychologist told me that shyness is normal for lots of people. It isn't something you get over completely but you can learn to live without and be less shy. for me, growing up being really short/smaller than everyone (especially other guys) I was literally alienated because of my appearance. It was hard for me to keep friends because people would purposefully make me uncomfortable and wouldn't be as friendly to me as other kids. I had to act goofy and funny to get people to like me. Around middle school time that no longer worked, and again people paid less attention to me because of my looks; and I was left without a way to socialize. Now I am shy (I wouldn't say really shy, I can easily talk to people without being anxious or nervous) But things like clubs and places with lots of people make me confused and literally not know what to do. It is like somwhere along the line growing up everyone one got some manual that tells them how to be fun and outgoing while I was in the restroom.

 

It can be really frustrating but thankfully I'm a lot less shy than I was during my freshman year of college (now in my 7nth semester) mostly because I socialized with people that took the time to get to know me (they were new roomates, but we clicked and got along great) And I think I get less shy as time goes on, at times I forced myself to be social. My whole first few semesters someone would ask if I was going out that night or asked if I wanted to go to a house with a keg or whatever, and I'd decline. Lately I have been meeting friends of friends and at least going out and seeing new faces. I'd still consider myself pretty "socially awkward" still because I don't socialize nearly as much as most people at my college but I think it is because that first year of school is pretty crucial if you want to have friends for the next 4 years. Nevertheless I've made clear progress so it isn't hopeless for shy people.

 

I'll never be the life of the party but that is just the way I am, I don't really crave that much attention. Most of the time I'm happy with just hanging with a few good friends, but I don't want to settle for just that so I'll try and continue to put myself out there. Believe me it produces stress and is tough at times, but I believe the goal of becoming more comfortable around people is a worthy one.

[charley]

I love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love shy men!!!

 

I'll bet they just love, love, love you to. Even if they're to shy to say so.

[charley]

Lets face it... how can non shys be attracted to us shy people beyond superficial things like looks. I mean initially, it's not like we are able to wow them with our great personality.

 

 

so why then, do people find shy people attractive at all?

 

Personally, I didn't always start out shy. It wasn't attractive women that made me shy. It was attactive women who showed interest in me and then I realized I actually had a chance. Then at the moment I realized I had a chance I turned shy because I now realized I had a chance and was then afraid of blowing it.

 

Prior to realizing I had a chance, I wasn't shy because there was nothing to lose.

 

So I was sometimes very charming and/or funny prior to turning shy. Then turned shy.

 

I've got that mostly whipped now though.

[shy2cool]

I'm so great but will never find a girl.

[stopit]

shy2cool, the title of your post may as well be "The (un)attractiveness of an athlete" and you'd be bound to get the same discussion on the topic as here. Not everyone is going to be attracted to the same quality, some people will be, whereas others won't even take notice of it. And guess what? Shyness is a quality, and everyone empathizes and responds to it differently. As a previous poster said, some people were shy but grew out of it, and they will thereforeeee understand better and try to reach out to you. Other people won't get that far. The important thing is to realize that it's about compatability, and if someone doesn't approach you and if you don't approach them, then there might not have been the compatability factor in the first place. You have to realize that it's not just because of your shyness people aren't approaching you: it's because of the people themselves, for whatever reason they may have (and it could be something going on in their lives or other things beyond your control), and you probably don't want to get to know them if that's their attitude.

 

The next important thing to realize is that to the people who find shyness unattractive (though remember that the population as a whole is split, as this thread may attest to), you shouldn't hold yourself back. If you find someone interesting, take a risk and approach her. If you master the ability to laugh at yourself when things don't go as expected, you'll have nothing to lose. And it's a great thing to be able to admit to yourself, "I tried, oh well," and then just laugh it off.

 

Anyway, don't let the misconceptions out there about shyness make you think that it is an unattractive quality. No quality is universally attractive or unattractive. It's an asset really as other posters have said: it makes you a good listener, and makes you more perceptive and aware. Harness it to your advantage. Read books about it. Try to understand the origins of your shyness if there are any standout causes (like in my case, it was a series of rejections in middle school - so original, lol, but very much altering years later). See what you can do if there are any particular incidences that have made you shy (gestalt therapy, writing, discussing with others, confronting your internalized demons (if any of these should apply...)). It'll help ease up the nerves and the tension when you initially approach people, which in turn will boost your confidence. But remember to preserve some of your shy demeanor, because it's part of who you are and you should be proud of it!

[shy2cool]

Yeah, I fully understand that. It's just that from my experience, even my friends don't want to get to know me.

 

Then a girl who says she likes shy guys is going out with someone else, and now doesn't seem like she wants anything to do with me.

[laboheme]

For me personally, outgoing guys are fun to have crushes on, but I'd much rather have a relationship with a shy guy. I'd have trouble trusting somebody who is open with everybody; I'd be afraid that he wouldn't take my privacy into consideration and tell other people things that he shouldn't. I'd be afraid that he wouldn't show me how much he cares -- it seems like shy guys take better care of their partners. The feeling that I'm one of the few people around whom he can eventually drop his shyness is priceless (I've been there...yeah, it's priceless).

[stopit]

Can you be more specific about your particular situation?

 

Do you keep yourself really well guarded? How do you approach women? How shy are you? There is shy, and then there's shy (or social phobic). The latter involves "GO AWAY" body language (hunched shoulders, crossed arms, head down, neck hunched, eyes on the floor, back arched), and monosyllabic speech (typically reduced to affirmations and negations). Place yourself on the spectrum between that and outright vocalist so that we can better understand your particular shyness.

[shy2cool]

I am kinda social phobic, but not so much these days.

 

I told that girl some very private stuff, and now she's gone... i shouldn't really care, but I just do.

[galaxy71]

I am a shy guy. Whenever, I am around people, I am extremely quiet. The reason I am shy is the fact that I have major fears that people will dislike me and disapprove of me if I openly express myself. There is nothing romantic and enchanting about being shy. It is a difficulty that has to be overcome through perservearance and hard work. For most of my life, I had a poor, hunched posture, and I never smiled. I would usually stand in the corner of the room doing nothing. People thought I was arrogant or weird.

 

For most of my life, I used my shyness as a excuse not to interact with people and improve myself. For me, I define shyness as the fear of interacting with other people. Being quiet and introverted is not the same as being shy. Once I stopped using my shyness as a excuse, I have improved my appearance, and I am not afraid to flirt with women I like. Telling people that being shy is attractive is only encouraging people to continue engaging in maladaptive behavior. Many people have tried to take advantage of me because of my shyness.

 

On the other hand, being introverted can be attractive. Introverts are intelligent and analytical. Many of them are great scholars and artists. Many of them are avid readers who are very aware of their feelings and emotions. However being introverted and being shy is not the same thing. Most introverted people are fully functioning people. On the other hand, shyness hinders many men and women from interacting with other people. There are a lot of shy people who suffer from social phobia disorder or social anxiety disorder. Suffering from a serious mental disorder is not attractive at all. I know a guy in his fifties who is scared of going outside. Whenever he is outside, you could see the fear in his face. There is nothing attractive about suffering from a serious disorder.

 

I am not trying to depress anyone who is shy. But I am telling you that shyness is something that you have to overcome. Telling some guy that you find shyness to be attractive is not going to make him realize that shyness is a serious problem that might interfere someone from living a fulfilling life.

[scotty77]

No one is quiet or shy once you get to know him/her but that's the problem isn't? Shy,quiet people can be extremely difficult to get to know.Sensitivity goes hand in hand with shyness and most shy people can be extremely leery of other people for the simple fact that most shy people have been bullied at some point in there lives,simply because they are easy targets and can't defend themselves.Dating or meeting women is hard for a shy male no matter what he looks like.Shy people are generally very anxious in most social situations and tend to lurk in the shadows wherever they are .

[scotty77]

I think one should attempt to overcome social anxiety in little steps everyday.It takes a lot of practice to try and break patterns that we have been on all of our lives.You have to force yourself to become more social if the social anxiety is so extreme that it isn't allowing you to date or make friends easily.Set small goals at first such as talking to two people the next time you go to the grocery store instead of just continuing in the same introverted ways.

[Beehive]

I think many people care about shy people. That is a sweeping statement for sure. Shy people are great, just need to be coaxed out of their shells.