Lunch with an Ex

[WildChild]

I'd like everyone's opinion on this question:

 

What would be your feelings if your current partner invites an ex out to lunch for whatever reason. The ex is someone you cannot stand and your partner knows this.

[honeyspur]

It would make me uncomfortable. If my partner wasn't clear about the lunch-date, I'd start putting more distance between us. If he was clear, then I'd ask to come to next meeting. If he put up a fuss, I'd start putting distance bewtween us.

It means you might have to have lunch with this "ex" - but I would do it to establish your presense and make things clear for the two of them.

[lolly]

If my boyfriend did that, I honestly would think something was up...

 

I would tell him calmly that I have a problem with this, and tell him I feel its disrespectful. And if he still went then honestly I would go NC for a few days...and possibly to show him how it feels choose an ex of mine to have lunch with to show him how it felt.

[BellaDonna]

I would not like it. I guess it depends on the circumstances. For example: If they had kids together and "the lunch" was arranged to discuss parenting issues or the children, it would make more sense to me.

 

BellaDonna

[DN]

I agree with Bella - the purpose of the meeting is the key. If it were something important best discussed over a more relaxed setting than a 'formal' meeting then it would be ok. A 'catch up with our lives' lunch would not be ok.

[Lady Bugg]

Agree with Bella as well. Some interactions can't be avoided...especially with children involved. I'd say unless it was absolutely necessary for them to meet.....then I would have a REAL problem with it.

[Beec]

I don't think I'd have a problem with it regardless of the reason, so long as I knew I could trust my partner. If I could, I don't see what the problem would be? If I didn't, I would try to figure out how to make that better.

[shorty20]

I agree with other posters. If there is a good reason that they have to meet then fine, as long as my SO was not secretive about the meeting. If it's just a friendly catching up lunch then I would deffinatley not be ok with that, and would find it very disrespectful of me and our relationship. Have a talk with your SO to find out the reason why this meeting has to happen and decide for yourself where you go from there.

[renaissancewoman101]

Why are people so upset about someone meeting their ex for lunch or something like that? Sometimes people like to stay friends with an ex even after a breakup and going to lunch doesnt seem like a bad thing.

 

I don't know.

[tictactoe2006]

"Why are people so upset about someone meeting their ex for lunch or something like that? Sometimes people like to stay friends with an ex even after a breakup and going to lunch doesnt seem like a bad thing."

 

It's been my experience that ex's never just want to "hang out" or "do lunch". They always want to try to find a way to drive a wedge into the current relationship, and get the girl back. They may not want her, but don't want anyone else to have her.

[lonely_me]

Honestly, it would depend on the situation. Were you invited along? If so, I don't think it's too bad. If it's just the two of them, I'd feel uncomfortable and talk to him about it.

[WildChild]

The lunch would be just a "catch up" and the current partner, who despises the ex, is not invited and found out about the potential lunch date through a mutual friend.

[kellbell]

Personally,

 

I would not like it. I trust my partner. However, it is disrespectful to you knowing how you feel about the ex and it hurts you. Why do they have to go to lunch? Can't they catch up via email or phone conversation? I just do not see the point in being friends with an ex or having any kind of contact with an ex. Unless they share property or have children togeher, I really do not see any other reason.

[WildChild]

I don't really see or understand a reason for it either. My thoughts are if you run into each other, fine, catch up. But to go out of your way to catch up when there is no other reason/connection outside of your past relationship, I can't say it's right. Especially when the relationship was only 3 months long, and was on and off the whole time.

 

I appreciate your guys input.

[Suzy-TO]

I think it depends on the relationship you are in. Some ppl stay friends with their ex's and then I do not see a problem with this. Some ppl cannot have friends with the opposite sex, then I would be concerned.

All my close friends are male, and I have kept in touch with my ex's ( the old saying is once I care, I will always care) however, I would never cross the line. I love my husband far too much- and theres a reason they are "ex"

[WildChild]

The relationship between them was not what you would call an "ever lasting relationship." It didn't end horribly, but there certainly wasn't any "love" lost between them and it ended nearly two years ago. The female is well known in terms of being loose, as well as playing games at other people's expense. The man is not one to hold grudges or ill feelings per say for long periods of time, so I can't say that any ill feelings he had towards her two years ago are ones that he still harbors. HOWEVER, it has been discussed that she is not someone the current partner trusts, nor likes at all because of the ex's behavior, and he has been told that since the very beginning of his relationship.

 

So maybe a better question now would be to ask this: given her past, and given his tendency to not hold grudges, but knows how his current partner feels, why would he feel the need to go out of his way to ask his ex out to lunch. He himself has said she has been laid more than an Alaskan pipeline, and at one time did think of her as a "low life." I just don't see any logic in having to go for lunch, or really to have to catch up especially given his opinion of her after their breakup.

[Suzy-TO]

The one thing that has NEVER failed me is my "gut feeling" Usually if something does not sit right there is a reason.

If you have told him you do not like this and it is bothering you, then he should understand this. What if you were to do this?

[WildChild]

His way of understanding was to hang up. We have yet to talk since last night, and at this point he can go fly a kite. I am not a very judging person, but this girl is unflipping believable. She had called me in the past when they were dating (unbeknownst to me) and blocked her number, lied about her name, told me they were living together (lie) and engaged to get married (lie) and wanted to know why I was calling their home...I told her he and I were friends, didn't tell her we had once dated, and said that she should really talk to him about this. She said she tried, but he wouldn't tell her anything and she started to get mouthy with me. I again told her to talk to him, and to not call me again. I told him all of this after they broke up and he was shocked.

 

Her background is she is 25, gave her parental rights of her three young children up to her mother, but lives at her Mom's house, stayed at his house 3-4 days/nights a week when they dated for three months (basically leaving her children anyway), doesn't hold a job but 4 months out of the year, hangs out in the bars however many nights a week and will go after any man who will take her home that night (how he and she met), or who has money not mattering what their age. At one point when she was 24, she was dating a 55 year old construction owner. Her game with me that night was one of MANY that mutual people have told me. I finally confronted her about it about a year ago, told her my feelings of her and her dispicable life, and how ashamed she should be of herself. I said my peace, and told him about the conversation. Heck, even his long time ex girlfriend can't stand her and she agrees with me (according to him) that we can't figure out why he ever would have dated her with the reputation she has. So to find out that they have been communicating the last week via email, and he mentioned they should go out to lunch sometime BLOWS ME AWAY. And the kicker is, at first he was like, "what are you talking about". When I explained a mutual friend told me he had suggested lunch sometime, his response was, "It's not like that." I replied, and not too nicely that he knows I absolutely hate this girl for who she is and what she is about, and he laughingly says "Well I guess you do." and hung up. Nice.

[Suzy-TO]

She does sound like a character. What is it with some women. I have a woman who meet my husband at a car show, and did everything short of attacking him. She mailed nude pics etc. GEEZ, some women.

My husband had an ex who gave up her kid, was awful to him. When we were dating all of a sudden he decided okay I am going out to dinner with her. I had to put my foot down. Normally like you I dont care, this time I did. Something told me she was no good. I have no regrets.

Stand firm, its how you feel. He will come around. You'll see. I find that usually when someone gets caught lying they get their back up. Sounds like thats why he hung up.

[WildChild]

Thanks Suzy, I appreciate it. I was beginning to think I was losing my mind to think I was wrong to be upset. I'm glad to hear that I'm not wrong. At this point, I would almost feel stupid if I did say it was o.k. and forgive him...as we have had some rocky points with me wondering if he really can be trusted. I guess unless and until he admits how stupid he was, maybe then I would consider it, but at some point I have to put my foot down, and kick him to the curb for good if this crap doesn't stop. Maybe this is the time. I dunno.

[Suzy-TO]

You know a few months ago, I had a feeling that this girl was contacting my husband. When I sat him down I confronted him. HE went nuts. Got up and accused me of being jealous, insecure...etc. He reacted like I have never seen him. He proceeded with giving me the silent treatment for the next day. I finally snooped (which I never do...it was a gut feeling) and found the pics she sent. They had both crossed the line. SO, I was right...not crazy like he wanted me to think. So- now I am a firm believer in gut feelings.

YOU ARE not going crazy...something in you is saying something wrong.....listen to that. There also might be a reason he is reacting the way he is. PLEASE keep me posted.

I also thought I could never get over the betrayl of my husband and this chick. It has been hard...my heart is broken...my selfness is low...and I wonder alot. I love him, and we are both trying to work things out. The grass is not always greener somewhere else. He was wrong, but this woman who is married, and knows he is married....well she is very wrong.

I have a feeling he will come around, and the two of you will work it out. We are here if you need us.

[Batya33]

The lunch would be just a "catch up" and the current partner, who despises the ex, is not invited and found out about the potential lunch date through a mutual friend.

 

My bf occasionally has lunch with and keeps in touch with exes - for professional reasons and also partly social. He always tells me about the plan and has invited me (but it's silly for me to go since they will be discussing business most of the time). I have gone once and it was fine. I totally trust him and he is fine with me staying in touch with and seeing my ex (I have seen my ex twice since he and I started dating - both times to help me with a computer related issue that no one else could help me with - I told him about it before and "cleared it" with him).

 

If he made plans to see an ex without telling me I wouldn't like it at all.

[Suzy-TO]

Hey WildChild: How is it going? Any update? Hope all is fine.

[jusified]

LOL,

 

My ex and her ex met up for lunch.

 

Basically he asked her to meet him for lunch at a fancy restaurant before she gos over seas to say goodbye, she said can she bring friends he said no. She went anyways and didnt tell me until we had a fight the night before about something different and then she told me. Then she broke up with me that night LOL... Then she told me how great the lunch was and how the guy paid for her.

 

Note, this guy is having issues with his gf and they see each other every weekend in a language class anyways. So as you can see I don;t like the idea. I think you should never meet an ex alone (like a date), you could always say can i bring a friend or my partner along.

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

I'd say to him: "Have fun!"