Shallow Hal

[fnlyfrei]

I am dating "Shallow Hal"...someone who has more pictures of himself than anyone else and is VERY into physical appearances. There have been many comments and instances where I have done a doubletake..mentally, because of his comments..hmmm...

Although he assures me that although he is shallow...I meet up to his "standards"...and I shouldn't worry. Yesterday I was going to go to the gym...I invited him to go along...but schedules did not work out, I joked over the phone that I should get back into my workout routine so that I would not be all fat..wanted to look good for him...he replies with relief..."THANK YOU!"

(It was timed well enough for me to realize that he meant...yeah, you are fat and for me to be happy...get to the gym) I did not know what to say in return...I was crushed...I excused myself and hung up. Then I texted him that I would not be able to see him that evening...I had to get to the gym. He called me back immediately and said that he did not mean it that way...that I misinterpreted or twisted it.

 

Mind you now.....he has told me on MANY occasions that he will not date anyone who is not thin. His mother and I have even talked about his complete pickiness when it comes to physical things. So I know he meant it.

I guess my first reaction is to go on a diet, work out...and not see him so much. I guess I never dated someone so attractive...maybe that is why...

If someone doesnt love you for who you are, and is so fixated on appearances...do they really love YOU? Sometimes I wonder if anyone like him got into a car accident and mangled their face if they would be able to carry on....I am really re-thinking this relationship.

[chai714]

You're choosing to live up to the image he desires.

 

How is living for someone elses desires going to make YOU happy?

[fnlyfrei]

Right. That is why I will work out and lose weight for ME...and because I have so much on my plate. not alot of time.....I guess I won't be seeing HIM as much. Shucks. It's crappy to be that way, but that's how I feel. I just do not need that garbage from someone I love. Conditional love. I am not ugly or obese. Being with him just makes me feel I need to measure up. And could I ever anyway???

[Beec]

You've met his mother? Did you know her before you began dating? if not, that is like a tremendous stamp of approval. So, part of me thinks you are might be taking him the wrong way. Few people are so gauche, but perhaps he was not thinking or something.

 

What do his actions say about how he feels?

 

If this really is what he means, I am with Chai. Why date someone who has standards that are so picky for physical appearance? When you are 40 or 50, will he still expect you to have washboard abs?

[CarnelianButterfly]

I wouldn't see him at all, a shallow guy may find depth and eventually love, but I think its far more likely in a few years or months he'll find some "flaw" and trade in for a more "perfect" woman.

[fnlyfrei]

Yes...I met his Mother after we started dating. He is very close to his mom...and yes, I realize that it was a big thing. I have dated people who never even introduced me to their families...(meaning they did not consider me for the long term) His mother likes me. He is otherwise a very sweet person...I just do not know if I want to end up married (again) to someone who watches what I eat and asks when I am going to the gym. I would never tell anyone else what to do...or try to control their eating habits, etc...

I have achieved near body-builder shape with the washboard abs in the past...I know I can do it again...but when I do...it HAS to be for ME.

[Day_Walker]

I think you did jump to conclusions about his statement and because you took it the way you did I believe that you most likely have issues with insecurity. I think you should question his motives and his desire for his perception of physical beauty. It is a personal decision that you have to make if you want to stay in the relationship.

[fnlyfrei]

Well, Daywalker...I see that insecurity is one of your "deal breakers"...and sure, many of us women struggle with it. I base the beginnings of that problem for me were BECAUSE of men. Funny how that works. Yes, I am all for feeling good about myself and empowerment. And never letting anyone else define me.

And men have insecurities too....watch and see when I do get into that victoria's secret string bikini and go to the beach with him....hah !

[Honey Pumpkin]

I was on another advice forum a while back - just scanning, like you do. Anyway, the issue of weight and love came up. And this one poster said quite openly (she hated fat people) that her boyfriend would NEVER go out with her if she were fat. I felt so sorry for someone in that position - imagine being with someone, but knowing that their love was very conditional on you being a certain way. I couldn't cope with that.

 

I'm not saying that people find fat or thin attractive, but once you're with someone, I think that the pressure you would feel if you knew that you had to remain a certain way would be too much for me. Surely there is a healthy medium, of being fit and healthy but not slavishly following a regime solely to gain their approval?

 

It's difficult - I couldn't cope with someone being like that with me, to be honest. It seems too much hooked on the physical, rather than a deeper connection.

[amtjrtcet]

Yes...I met his Mother after we started dating. He is very close to his mom...and yes, I realize that it was a big thing. I have dated people who never even introduced me to their families...(meaning they did not consider me for the long term) His mother likes me. He is otherwise a very sweet person...I just do not know if I want to end up married (again) to someone who watches what I eat and asks when I am going to the gym. I would never tell anyone else what to do...or try to control their eating habits, etc...

I have achieved near body-builder shape with the washboard abs in the past...I know I can do it again...but when I do...it HAS to be for ME.

 

 

How long have you two been together?? I've been with my B/F for almost 8 serious months. He's never mentioned me meeting his family and has had plenty of opportunities. So yeah, I'd say he does care about you....My outlook on apperance-I want to keep myself up and in shape not only for myself but also for my man, but I don't feel any pressure from him about that, at all. I don't know how I would deal with that.

[fnlyfrei]

It has only been three months...and perhaps he brings all of his new girlfriends home to his mum...not sure, haven't asked. If so, I guess it's no biggie. Things are moving along quite quickly though....and getting to really know someone takes time.

[DN]

guess I never dated someone so attractive...maybe that is why...

Is that the only reason you want to be with him? Isn't that really doing the same thing that he is? If he started to put on weight would he be less attractive to you?

[amtjrtcet]

Is that the only reason you want to be with him? Isn't that really doing the same thing that he is? If he started to put on weight would he be less attractive to you?

 

Hmm, good question

[fnlyfrei]

Actually, the person I dated before him weighed 290 pounds...and I cared about him deeply...he was intelligent, handsome...and yeah...heavy. He had some issues with self confidence when it came to his body and I fully understood and empathized with him. The relationship did not end because of his size. I really care more about what's in a persons heart and soul. Someone who is totally attractive on the outside can be so creepy inside that they no longer even look nice on the outside. Just like when you meet someone who is very average looking...but when you get to know them and love them..they look like Brad Pitt all of the sudden....

[flower99]

Ahhh...yes Love with conditions

so if you get fat, he won't want you.

If you get in a serious car accident & end up disfigured for life...He won't stay by your side because you will no longer meet his standards.

That's scarey!!

if you truly believe he's Shallow Hal (which he doesn't appear to be) And you don't want to marry someone like that. Get out now.

Conditional love & physical standards you must meet...Find something deeper, because that's not true love.

[Day_Walker]

Well, Daywalker...I see that insecurity is one of your "deal breakers"...and sure, many of us women struggle with it. I base the beginnings of that problem for me were BECAUSE of men. Funny how that works. Yes, I am all for feeling good about myself and empowerment. And never letting anyone else define me.

And men have insecurities too....watch and see when I do get into that victoria's secret string bikini and go to the beach with him....hah !

 

Personally I dont buy the whole problems of insecurity BECAUSE of men. I believe that men can provoke insecurity by their actions but I dont believe that they can provoke something that is not already there. Men can be just as insecure as women. I do not hold any woman to a standard that I do not adhere to myself. Typically with what I have seen, you picked this guy for a reason and that is probably because of his standards. I am sure that you like the fact that he is so picky because it makes you feel wanted more than you normally would. However you want some consideration because since you are his gf you feel that you should be excluded from his scale because of his feelings for you. I think that is pretty common in relationships because when the significant other is an exception it is an indicator of their feelings for the significant other.

[fnlyfrei]

And actually...I did not even want to meet him at first because his profile on the dating site plainly stated that he was very into physical good looks...and his picture...I guess I have a reverse sort of predjudice...against really, really good looking people. But when we did meet I saw more. And gosh, he isn't perfect, everyone has something...he is short. I have never dated anyone under 5'11' and he is 5'5". And he isn't very well off...and not career driven and ambitious....he is other things. I figure that with the right person many things are not so important...it's whats inside that counts. No, I won't drive myself crazy to please anyone. I guess he will have to accept me for me or move along...because I have accepted him as a whole for the person he is.

[fnlyfrei]

Yes, it WAS because of men. Long story. True story. Valid story. I just do not want to share it here. And I am sure that I am not alone in how these things affected my body image and self confidence. And as shes2smart stated...we fight these battles within ourselves for the rest of our lives. I just really do not want/need anyone fighting against me when I am trying to overcome something so difficult.

And the person fighting against me so to speak, should not be the one who "loves" me.

[flower99]

And the person fighting against me so to speak, should not be the one who "loves" me.

 

I totally agree & because he's priorities are on looks. I'd run!!!!

 

His love is conditional & you may always feel pressure from him to be & look a certain way. He puts to much importance on the unimportant & not enough on what is important (you said he was not driven in a career..but puts so much emphasis on physical apperance?? seems backwards) I would RUN!!!

[Day_Walker]

Yes, it WAS because of men. Long story. True story. Valid story. I just do not want to share it here.

 

Well then we disagree and I will leave it at that. If you feel that your bf is only into you for physical reasons then you have to do what you have to do.

[rocio]

Some women like to go out with men who have high standards. They get a sort of validation from it.

 

Personally, I would be so, so turned off by the guy you're describing. But if he turns you on, then great.

 

I have to admit - when I see pictures of a guy's ex-girfriends and they're hot, I do feel a sort of validation. And when they have unattractive ex-girlfriends, I feel insulted. Lame, I know.

[dawn515]

Well, I don't know if I have much advice for you. I can relate on the pressure to maintain a certain body shape. I'm also certain that my current boyfriend would have had no romantic interest in me if he'd met me ten years ago.

 

I'd been thin most of my life, but in my early twenties, I gained a lot of weight due to a medication I was taking. My self-esteem PLUMMETED. And I certainly noticed how males, no matter what they themselves looked like, treated me. I pretty much became invisible.

 

Once off the medication, I worked very, very hard at losing all the weight I gained. This was particularly hard because I didn't overeat or underexercise before at all -- it was the meds. That meant, in order to lose weight, I had to practically starve myself while trying to maintain nutrients and a healthy balance, AND exercise harder than EVER!

 

I lost the weight and don't have problems maintaining it. And I noticed OF COURSE, the difference in the way men treated me. And yeah, I know that my boyfriend, whom I love very much, would probably have liked me only as a friend and nothing more if he'd met me back when I was heavy.

 

Does this bother me? Yeah, a little. I can't help it. In my mind, I'm the same person I was when I had the excess weight. And to think that love is so conditional... well, yeah. But people can't help what they're attracted to, right? Sigh....

 

Where was I going with this? I'm not sure anymore. Double sigh...

[Beec]

I think one of the things to think about, with love being conditional as discussed here, is to think about all the men or women you thought were not up to your standards to date. I am sure many of us have plenty.

 

At the same time, I think that is you look at older couples, you will notice many that would not be together if thy looked then as they look now. But they stick together. Why? Because of the emotional ties between them, because the bonds of love got strong enough to handle the change in appearance.

[flower99]

Right. That is why I will work out and lose weight for ME...and because I have so much on my plate. not alot of time.....I guess I won't be seeing HIM as much. Shucks. It's crappy to be that way, but that's how I feel. I just do not need that garbage from someone I love. Conditional love. I am not ugly or obese. Being with him just makes me feel I need to measure up. And could I ever anyway???

 

off topic, I saw your picture & you are stunning...incredibly gorgeous.

I can't believe you feel like you have to measure up at all! Anything you do, do for yourself. Don't do it to meet someones standards. If you feel like you are doing that, get out of the relationship. find someone who loves you for you! who adores you & cherishes you regardless of your apperance...whether your 100 pounds or 200. Someone who believes beauty comes from the inside, that is a man worth keeping.

[dierberg]

A friend of mine once said "as you get older and the looks go, what are you left with?"