Parental financial support system

[renaissancewoman101]

I have noticed in the year I have lived out here, from listening to my mom talk about her friends and from some people at school, that people who have a financial backup system in the form of parents, don't seem to succeed as well or do as well financially or emotionally than people who DONT have that support. This also includes people living at home, etc.

 

Why is that? Wouldn't you say that people who have a safety net (financially) would be MORE inclined to go out on their own and try out new things, new careers, etc. knowing that if something happened and it didn't pan out, that they weren't destitute on their own, without house, home, or money?

 

I always thought that the most loving thing a parent can do for their kids is to be there for them in time of need, so that the kids dont fall flat on their faces and suffer needlessly.

 

When I was living out in WI, I seemed to be more successful, able to save more, etc., than when I moved back here. I have gone back to school and stuff and my parents are there for me financially if I need their help, but it seems that has hindered some things about me and made me less productive, although I do go to school.

 

I have noticed this with the kids of some of my mom friends' as well as some of the people I go to school with. They talk about their lack of success in life, although they live on their own, etc.

 

It seems like a curse.

 

I could also be way out in left field.

[Beec]

I think the people who have no other choice, sometimes get out there and do. If some people don't have to get out there and succeed to eat, some of them won't get out there. When you have no other choice, you do it.

[renaissancewoman101]

Are you saying that if push comes to shove, the support system is taken away, and we are forced to survive, then we succeed and do well, because there is no "landing pad" available and we have to sink or swim?

[Beec]

Yes, I think people who are forced to sink or swim, and swim, keep swimming and get better at it. It does not and work work for all, but the ones who have no choice and begin to succeed are often motivated to continue. They need to keep going in order to ceate security in life, and they have only themselves to count on. For some, having a few million is nout enough to feel secure. For others, a few thousand are fine.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I think it's about self-reliance as well, and having to prioritise what you REALLY want from life. I left home when I was 18, and no financial support from my parents at all (the other way around to be honest). I am 34 now, and SO grateful that that is how it worked out for me.

 

I was very poor when I was a student, but incredibly happy. I lived on pasta and stayed in the library all day because I couldn't afford to put the heating on. But that was fine, that was normal. Sometimes I read posts here about people at home, who can't seem to see a way out because they have the car, they have debts etc. I just feel very glad that wasn't an option for me, and that I didn't have 'luxury' items at a young age.

 

I don't know, when I was young I wished that I had had more money - now I realise that being independent and loved was the best thing that have could happened to me. I don't feel accountable to anyone for my actions, and that's a good feeling too. My parents always taught me that if you take money from someone, there is a good chance you are somehow obligated to them, even if it's never made explicit. I would rather the choices I make (bad ones, too!) are my own, rather than because someone has given me the money and thereforeeee have input into my life.

 

This is just my own experience though - can't really compare and contrast. But I'm very used to being completely in charge of my own life and destiny and choices, I can't imagine anything else.

 

Interesting post though!

[rocio]

I didn't have any help whatsoever. Been on my own, 100%, since the age of 17. By the age of 19 I figured out that I needed security, which pushed me to go to school and succeed. I don't know if I would have been that motivated if I had something to fall back on. When you're paying for your own courses, you don't fail. You just don't. You can't afford to.

 

However, it is rare to see graduate students who put themselves through school from the beginning. Also, most of my friends who were paying for their own education didn't finish their degrees. So overall, from my observations, I would say that people who have their parent's help go further.

 

Also, this is Canada where putting yourself through school is an option. In the U.S. it's much harder, unless you get scholarships.

 

You weren't specifically talking about education, but that's the world I know, so it's all I can really talk about.

[Day_Walker]

I have a financial support system and I dont see how I would be called unsuccessful in my endevors. I have never been asked to sink or swim but I do know that I have a drive to get what I want. I have a sibling that has the same opportunities that I have and she fails to take advantage of them and on paper would appear to less successful that I am. I think that it all depends on the person. No matter if a person has a support system or not if they have a drive to succeed then they will stop at nothing to do so. A support system should make things easier and should not be an excuse to be lazy.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with you Day Walker, a support system should make things easier for you so that you can concentrate on your drive to be successful. It's just that I have seen with some people I know and the kids of my mom's friends, that with even a strong parental financial support system, the kids seems less motivated and don't seem to achieve a lot in life, of which the parents lament about to each other and to their friends. Yes, my mother's friends are a gossipy lot.

 

Reason I put up this thread is because I am trying to re-evaluate my life based on me moving back here vs me living in Wisconsin (not that I want to move back there either). I just feel like I haven't gotten that far since I moved back here (and my parents have been financially supportive of me if I ever needed it) compared to when I was living in Wisconsin and doing things on my own and supporting myself on my own.

 

I dunno know.

 

Just a pensive thought. I should get back to finishing my project so I can turn it in tomorrow and finally be DONE.

[Ash]

I think it's a combination of the person and the environment. Some people are highly driven to do something and will succeed regardless of whether a support system is in place or not. Perhaps this is like Day Walker?

 

On the other hand, most of the rest of us tend to react somewhat both consciously and subconsciously to our environment. If we know that there is a safety net behind us, we may occasionally make a decision that errs on the side of being too much of a reach and fail to achieve the ultimate goal. If there's no safety net, we realize that each important decision is sink or swim and thereforeeee might on occasion choose the slightly safer, perhaps more sure way.

 

I'm talking business type decision here. For example, were I to do out on my own with a new product idea I may tend to try for something that was just a little too far out of reach if there was a financial backing and fail to achieve a satisfactory result. On the other hand, if I was responsible for a failure financially and couldn't afford a big loss, I may chose something a little safer, with perhaps not quite the same return on investment, but a small step forward nonetheless. This may ultimately result in more overall success over the years in a series of small steps rather than a sequence of monumental failures.

 

Just another perhaps totally different perspective.

[rocio]

You know yourself better than anyone else. Can you take advantage of your parent's support in a positive way, and go even further toward acheiving your goals? Can you evaluate what went wrong last time, and how you can assure that won't happen?

 

I think if you have support available to you, then by all means take advantage of that!

[ImThatGirl]

Reason I put up this thread is because I am trying to re-evaluate my life based on me moving back here vs me living in Wisconsin (not that I want to move back there either). I just feel like I haven't gotten that far since I moved back here (and my parents have been financially supportive of me if I ever needed it) compared to when I was living in Wisconsin and doing things on my own and supporting myself on my own.

 

Ren, I think it's possible that you aren't giving yourself enough credit due to the fact that your parents are helping you. For some of us with an independent spirit, accepting a helping hand almost hinders our motivation to do more. It breaks our strength in a sense and can make us question whether we are doing enough.

 

I think it truly depends on the person and environment as well. Some people may get used to the safety net and comfort zone and never see beyond it. Some people realize how blessed they are for the safety net and continue to work towards accomplishing their goals.

 

Course I have to add personal experience.

My parents help my siblings and I out as much as needed. My son and I lived with my parents for awhile - too long actually. I felt safe at my parents home. I felt comfortable. My mom liked the arrangements too - almost to the point of discouraging me with comments like "how will you afford that?" if I looked for my own place. Truth being, I could afford it with a little struggle. But I stayed at their place because it was safe.

I've had my own place with my two children for 3 years now. Is it easy? Nope. Could I use help? Yep. But unless absolutely necessary (life or death situation,) I refuse to accept help from my parents. I want to win this battle on my own. That's just my independent spirit and own personal preferences.

On the other hand, I have one sister (and her 3 children) that is currently living with my parents. They have too many people in one house (tension always high,) and my parents are remodeling a house for her which is causing a financial burden for them. My sister can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even living with them, bill free (besides daycare,) she doesn't think she can afford to pay them.

My other sister (and her children,) recently moved into my brothers place. My brother has a hard enough time but now she's there. Both of them don't hesitate to call my mom if they can't afford car insurance or cell phone bill or a specific Christmas present for their children.

My parents enable them to do so.... And my siblings refuse to step up to the plate and make arrangements for their expenses.

 

Sooooo------------> If you are not feeling that you are accomplishing enough, make a list of the things you are working towards, the accomplishments you have made, your goals. Record the progress. I'm really thinking towards the possibility that you are not giving yourself enough credit.

[flower99]

I don't know if I would have been that motivated if I had something to fall back on. When you're paying for your own courses, you don't fail. You just don't. You can't afford to.

 

This says it all for me.

 

If I'm paying for it, than I can't afford to fail it. And If I'm paying for it - than it means something to me. I won't waste it.

 

I was offered support when I was 18 to go back to school. I choose not to take it mainly because i knew I would waste it (I didn't want it bad it enough) At 19 I ended up pregnant. I than felt the need for school, only my parents offer was no longer available. It meant enough to at this time in my life for me to do it on my own. I couldn't afford to fail so i work hard & passed with a 90 average. Had I had something to fall back on, I don't think I would have tried so hard.

I think having support at the right time with the right drive could be a huge benefit. Depends on the person & the drive. But just because others sometimes take it for granateed & may not accomplish what they should, doesn't mean that will happen with you.

I like I'mthatgirl's words...she says it well (:

[renaissancewoman101]

True, some people take things for granted, some people use the help to better themselves. It's just that I've seen with many people who have some type of financial safety net with parents or SO's, etc., dont seem to usually have the drive to do as well as those that don't. Or else they don't succeed as well as those people who did it on their own.

 

Just an observation.

[coooolsome]

I have issues with that at the moment. Im trying to break away from my parents and I can see in myself, that them always being there for me has made me "less of a man". Its like im afraid to take risks, even though I know that I have the safety net, its weird. I have forced myself to move out and be on my own and refuse help from them but still take a little to show they still matter to me.

 

I think that in life, you learn from experiences. You mature through your experiences and when you make mistakes and don't really learn anything is when you do not "harden". Life isnt easy and people who have to struggle are more able to handle the bad that naturally occurs in life. People who never have to worry, i.e. me, stay "soft".

 

My dad always tells me I have it 100 times better than he did, he had to sleep in a bedroom that could only basically fit his bed, never had money, had to work hard for everything and I think its those experiences that make you a better person and I wish I could do that. I feel that Im not fully matured b/c I never had to struggle for anything. Everything comes easy to me and the first real struggle I had was my breakup from my ex and it was really hard on me and still is.

 

However, this is not everyone, this is just my experience and my thoughts on it.

 

When I talk about being a man, im talking about the father figure, the person who, no matter what happens, can handle the pressure, the protector, the provider. The person who does what needs to be done.