Anyone ever just say, "Screw it"?

[Kevin T]

Gee, now I feel so much better. lol

 

I'm an ageist, that's right.

 

(Hell, probably every person over thirty here is gonna flay me alive!)

 

Oh well, I'm much too outspoken to back down now.

 

*runs and hides under a table*

 

Oh, and for the record: I don't think I'm old, nor is 30. But I do like being young and I hate the fact (it is a FACT) that I have been and will continue to waste the best years of my life being miserable.

[hosswhispra]

How so????

 

Did you see the movie "Must Love Dogs"?

 

Your situation of dating the same woman your father dated kind of reminded me when Diane Lane answers her own father's personal add (without knowing that it was written by him) and meets him for a date

[Dako]

Kevin,

 

Many times in my life I've decided the quest for love is futile and put up walls. At least in time, I learned to keep an eye out for an angel while I grumbled.

[Kevin T]

So, you're saying give up but don't give up, Dako?

 

See, I can't do that. I've been alternating between the two for years now. And all it does it give me ups and downs that are just plain awful.

 

So I'd rather just figure out an easy way to not care anymore. I can "not care" for a while, but after a few weeks, it starts to come back. It sucks.

[hosswhispra]

I hate the fact (it is a FACT) that I have been and will continue to waste the best years of my life being miserable.

 

Only you have the power to change that. You can start by thinking a bit more brighter. Heck, at 25 you have your whole life in front of you. Sure, meeting a woman, getting married, having children is great. But it also comes with it's own set of tricks in the bag, so to speak. You're healthy, right? Enjoy that and nurture your interests, strengths, talents and oh yeah...travel and relax! Do all these things and you will probably meet the woman of your dreams.

[dnozzle]

Ah yes, I didn't see the movie, but did see the commercials. I found it funny in an abstract sense, but having lived it, most of the humor was lost on me. It was a very traumatic thing for me, and was definitely the lowpoint in my entire dating life.

 

But my point was that sometimes we try too hard to attract. I know that I did. I was always self-conscious around women. Wondering if I was saying the right thing or doing the right thing or if I looked good or not. But once I stopped looking, I found that I became comfortable with myself and wasn't always worried about finding someone because I had given up on that. That's when I met a wonderful woman who changed my life forever (disclosure: we are currently on a NC break for her to work out some stress and schedule issues, but are not broken up per se).

 

In addition, I found that once I started seeing her, and became totally committed to her, women were flocking to me like I was a sale at Dillard's. At first it was flattering but it actually became very annoying. I tried to figure out why this was happening, and finally asked one of them, and she said that I seemed so confident, happy and secure that I was irresistible. She described my personality as "glowing," which is definitely how I felt at the time.

 

Women will respond to the attitude you display. If you feel insecure, lonely, and inadequate on the inside, that will show up on the outside and they will spot you a mile away. But if you can talk to them as people without really caring whether or not they find you interesting or attractive, they will see you as confident and secure, and that will probably give much better results.

[Dako]

Kevin,

So you seek love, hurt, give up, try again?

[astromantic]

That's the thing. I have loved before... which makes it worse.

 

that's like:

1) looking up at the delicious fruits hanging on the tree that you've never tasted and is out of reach

vs

2) having tasted the fruit but the rest will no longer fall to the ground within your reach

 

I'm not going to try to claim I am wiser or have the key to your question since the on/off button doesn't work for you. For what it's worth, every little thing you do will present people an opinion of you; it can be the tone of your voice, your attitude, subtle gestures - heck I've been told even the surrounding aura gives a clue to your current state of mind. Perhaps you should reassess how you conduct yourself when you interact with potential partners?

 

btw you are still quite young, we're not that many years apart... you really shouldn't be worrying about turning 30 right now...

[Kevin T]

hoss, that is utter nonsense (BTW, that was not directed personally, just how I think of that).

 

I honestly think that for those who can be happy themselves, fine. That's cool.

 

But I really do think that living a life without someone by your side is a waste of existence. It's meaningless, I believe anyway.

 

Interestingly, I'm an amazingly independent person. I don't rely on others for much of anything. I never have and always like to spend time alone. Hell, even at this point in my life. I think that side of me is contrasted with the other part of me that craves companionship. It misses that intimacy because I'm so independent all the time, in my everyday life.

 

I've always liked to keep to myself, and I probably always will. Probably why I want at least one person to be close with. It was... nice.

 

And I only wish to God I was 22. I'll be halfway to 30 in a month a half. Ugh... Besides, you're content by yourself. By happy. (As I said, women generally are. Why? They have closer relationships emotionally, especially with their girlfriends. Guys don't have that.)

 

And as for not caring if anything comes of it or not, I don't think that will happen. Essentially, you're giving me an unreasonable and impossible demand: In order to attain what you want, you must first stop wanting it. Too monastic for me...

[Dako]

Kevin,

If your plight didn't feel so familiar, I wouldn't follow your posts.

As much as I've tried to be immune to women, they just fascinate me.

The more I resist, the more magical they are.

[TheRedQueen]

Lower your standards then.

[hosswhispra]

Lower your standards then.

 

^ Interesting. There may be some teeth to this. Do you have extraordinarily high standards? What are you looking for in a soul mate?

[Kevin T]

I don't want to, nor do I think I should have to.

 

Honestly guys, if I have to lower my standards, then I would rather be alone. I don't want to settle. I'd be more unhappy with someone I didn't like than by myself.

 

So if my options are:

 

A) Stop caring so you can get women (oxymoron)

 

B) Stop caring and don't bother with women (What I'd like)

 

C) Settle for someone I don't like

 

I'll go with B. I don't think it's fair that I have to settle, I don't believe I'm that ugly or repulsive that I would have to settle. (But that is probably a false belief and I probably would have to, in actuality.) See, even I don't want to face up to reality! lol

[Kevin T]

Okay so, anyone have any advice on my question on HOW not to care?

 

That was why I originally posted this in the first place.

[renaissancewoman101]

Just live life without at the expectation of meeting someone, finding a GF, etc. What I mean is just live life without a care. With me I am getting to the point that I enjoy being alone, doing things alone, living alone, etc. Yeah, I do want an SO in my life, but I still like to do things alone. Like, if I have a movie I want to see, I just go and see it now, and I dont care if it is by myself.

 

Just live life and let the chips fall where they may.

[hosswhispra]

Okay so, anyone have any advice on my question on HOW not to care?

 

That was why I originally posted this in the first place.

 

Only you can answer that. I don't think that you should stop caring. I also think that it's quite normal to feel the way you're feeling right now. I am sure each and everyone here has felt that way at one time or another.

 

Now for the important question...What are you going to do about it?

[andrewman]

Kevin (and anyone else thinking of giving up),

 

I know it's hard and painful and all that to try and find that SO in your lives. So the alternative is to stop caring, live your life alone and you can truly be happy that way if not fulfilled, but (and this is important) you won't be living.

 

Life is supposed to be filled with up and down times, you're supposed to be have pain and suffering and joy and ecstasy. The problem is that if you give up all you'll have is safe and secure and that's no life. Believe me, I've lived the last 12 years of my life in the safe & secure mode and now that I look back I think,"Wow, I've lost 12 years of life, I have no really great stories, good or bad"

 

Don't let that happen!!! Live life, no matter if it's painful because when it's all said and done, it's not about the ups and the downs it's about the stories you can tell and I truly hope you keep trying and have some great stories to tell.

 

Live life!!!

[annie24]

No, not that way, I mean about ever finding anyone to share their life with?

 

Ever just get to the point where you stopped trying, or even better, stopped caring?

 

If you got to the point where you no longer care, how did you do it?

 

I think not caring is a much easier alternative than being miserable 24/7, don't you think?

 

You should read, "The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai Lama. He has a discussion on this very subject.....

 

basically saying that the western notion of the S.O. as you lover, best friend, soulmate, business partner, therapist, etc.... all rolled into one is not reasonable. It is a very tall order to place on ONE PERSON. No wonder there are so many divorces! who can possibly live up to such expectations? I am sure that it happens, but I think it is rare.

[Haven]

But I really do think that living a life without someone by your side is a waste of existence. It's meaningless, I believe anyway.

So you believe that life without a companion is meaningless? What about people who spend their lives caring for others? Do you think a doctor who lives alone but saves other people's lives every day lives a meaningless life? Do you think a scientist who lives alone but devotes his life to researching a cure for cancer is leading a meaningless life?

[Juha]

I look at it another way around the holiday's...

 

I am not with someone, ok it svcks being out and it seems everybody is with someone and happy...

 

I really don't care!!! I look at all the money I am saving not having to buy

them gifts... I can buy me gifts... YAY!!!

[Kevin T]

Hmm, all I see are responses that promote selfishness and "me first" mentality. That's not good.

 

And ren, I ask you: How does one do this? What stops you from caring that you are alone and unhappy? How does one stop thinking of something that eats at them all the time?

 

As for the doctor who does good or the scientist (which is arguable, since at times science does more harm than good), they are very rarely alone. The person who has a successful career does not spend each and every waking moment consumed with their career. Most of them, have families and lives outside of work. And the quote, "Behind every good man is a better woman" or vice versa, is very true.

 

Freud said the most important things for someone to have are love, and work. Meaning you can't be fulfilled with a meaningful career or love from a companion. Do I have career aspirations? Damn straight. But what good is it if I am unhappy while the work I do brings joy to people? It's a selfish attitude, but it is true. Doesn't mean I won't follow my career, because I will, but in the end, it doesn't really matter to me about all the good I will do. Feeling empty on the inside, well, it's not fun, let's just say.

 

For the more philanthropic people, you could never understand where I am coming from, because we do not think the same way.

 

And annie, I like your pessimism on the subject. Kind of reminds me of me; doubting everything. lol

 

And andrew, you are either: someone who has found someone great and is happy, or someone who has a great deal of optimism. I have considered your point of view many times, but as I said, each time I choose to be positive, it never works out. I just end up getting discouraged and wanting to quit, so wouldn't it be far easier in the run long if I did? I think so.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I am living with an upbeat attitude! I am walking with my head held high, my chin up and my eyes wide open. I am going outside with a positive attitude that so what if I don't have anyone. It won't bother me one bit!

 

Then I see 5 couples kissing. And I'm back to square one. But you know what the best thing is about being single and alone?

 

Me either.

[Kevin T]

Preach it, brotha! lol

 

Seriously, I agree with you wholeheartedly.

 

But, surely there must be a solution which can make us happy, isn't there Kyo? I want to believe there is a solution, anyway...

[Dako]

You can almost convince yourself that women are hideous creatures.

Don't look at them, just tune them out and you can imagine half the world is disgusting.

 

Doesn't work for me no matter how I try.

[bulletproof]

I don't believe that there are only two options, not caring or being miserable. There are lots of options as to how we choose to live our lives. It seems like your biggest problem is your refusal to see what the real problem is. Living your life at 25 wishing you were 22 is really sad. Because you're not 22. You're 25. And this unbelievable, phenomenal gift of 25-year-old life is being wasted lamenting what you don't have instead of celebrating what you do have. Does it ever cross your mind that at 30 you'll be wishing you were 25 again? Pretend that time is now and appreciate it.

 

I would never have the balls to say this if I hadn't felt like you at one point. It took some serious attitude adjustment on my part and I had to hear a lot of things that I didn't like to hear about myself, but the fact is that negativity breeds more negativity and my only regret is that I wasted my 20's being negative and so naive that I thought a guy was going to save me from loneliness. I am 35 and am healthier mentally and physically than I have ever been. It's up to you what 'the best years of your life' are going to be. In my opinion, it only gets better, despite the setbacks and sadness that I've experienced.