Anyone ever just say, "Screw it"?

[Ellie2006]

Kevin,

 

If I may chime in and offer you my two cents:

 

I do not believe it's a choice between being miserable and not caring.

 

For me, it's a choice between being happy and being miserable.

 

As is evidenced by the numerous threads on this forum alone:

You can be happy, whether you're alone or you're together w/ someone.

You can be miserable, whether you're alone or you're together w/ someone.

 

 

Just my observation (and admittedly, I may be wrong), but I do not believe that you would feel any better than you're feeling right now if you decided not to care any more.

 

I get a sense (again, excuse me if I am a bit off-base) that you've already tried the "I don't give a crap" option and it's not working for you.

 

Me, I am the type of person that is inclined to believe happiness is overrated.

To explain my current state of mind, i would say I am content.

(Some people may argue these two are the same but for *me*, they have different connotations)

 

I may not be happy, but overall, I am okay with how my life is now.

I feel little bursts of happiness here and there and I truly appreciate these moments, however small or far between they sometimes appear to be.

I *try* to be thankful for the little things in life (the operative word, I guess, is "try" -- I don't always succeed but then again, I don't always fail either)

 

Do I think it could be improved with someone whom I could share my life?

Sure.

 

But as I am not actively looking for that someone right now, I know I must be (sub)consciously okay with how my life is right now. Sure, some people may think, you're fooling yourself and maybe I am. But in the end, if I am okay with my choice and I am not complaining about my life and I am not asking anyone's help to change my life saying that I am miserable, then who cares if I am fooling myself?

 

 

In sum, I am taking responsibility for my choices: I am choosing to be alone right now and if this is my choice, why complain about how things are? If there's something to complain about, then it's only logical that I revise my initial decision, right?

 

And that's what it boils down to, IMO.

 

You simply have to make a decision:

 

If you decide you want to NOT care any more:

Fine. Do that. But then you gotta try to live your life the best that you can by and with yourself. Just bc this is your choice, it does not give you the license to be too hard on yourself and on others with SOs. If you find yourself becoming bitter, then is it not obvious that you've made the wrong decision?

 

I do not believe that just bc you decide not to care any more about finding a SO, this does not necessarily mean your life will not be fulfilling.

 

You can still live a fulfilling life w/o a SO. (And I think this is what a lot of the posters have pointed out above)

 

Avoid this option if you feel as though you are forced to take this option.

 

 

In brief: make up your mind. If you want someone, fine. Do something about it. If you experience failure, try again.

 

If you want to be alone (for now), fine. Prepared to be lonely and bored sometimes. But look forward to the convenience of living life the way you want to live it; the freedom it offers can be as exhilarating as the togetherness you feel w/ an SO (though the two may be incomparable, to a certain extent).

 

Now, neither decision is set in stone. You can always revise your decision to achieve your ultimate goal: to gain happiness.

 

I am sure I'm stating the obvious ( haha, I can almost picture people saying, duh! ) so I apologize for the long post.

 

Anyway, good luck Kevin, whatever you decide.

 

Best wishes,

Ellie

 

ps. Kevin, I do apologize if I sound too preachy

[violingirl]

When your heart has been beaten into the ground and smashed up by the one you love and you then experience further rejection from others, you eventually reach the point where you have no choice but to stop trying and stop caring about trying to find someone to spend the rest of your life with. It takes time to feel this way, but it can happen after you've suffered enough emotional blows/rejections from others. It's like it is (figuratively) beaten into you and, after a while, you just have no other choice but to feel this way, because feeling any other way is just too painful and unbearable.

[Portage]

Live for yourself. Live in the moment. Do what you need to do to make YOURSELF happy. I still struggle with wanting that "perfect" someone to complete me, ultimately, you are responsible for your own destiny.

 

Trust me in saying this, it always happens when you least expect it.

[BigSurge]

Sometimes hopeless causes are the best causes. Even if you feel you will never find a special person to share your life with doesn't mean it's not going to happen. You fight on because you know that if you don't all you are is a coward, and this world does not take kindly to cowards.

[Kevin T]

Live for yourself. Live in the moment. Do what you need to do to make YOURSELF happy. I still struggle with wanting that "perfect" someone to complete me, ultimately, you are responsible for your own destiny.

 

Trust me in saying this, it always happens when you least expect it.

 

Okay then. I ask you: Do you have someone special in your life?

 

Yes or no?

[Kevin T]

Sometimes hopeless causes are the best causes. Even if you feel you will never find a special person to share your life with doesn't mean it's not going to happen. You fight on because you know that if you don't all you are is a coward, and this world does not take kindly to cowards.

 

The world also has a mean tendency to trounce all over romantics such as myself, and others.

[bulletproof]

The world doesn't trounce all over romantics. Every movie, t.v., book, is geared toward romantics. What the world doesn't accommodate is perpetual victims. You have to take charge of your own life, your own happiness and your own misery as well. You have to own it and not spend your life in limbo waiting for someone else to save you.

 

You asked, "How not to care?" The answer is you care about something else. You focus your energies on more than your single status. You find a passion, a hobby, a cause, a group of friends that means the world to you, whatever. Did you ever hear the expression, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"? When people here tell you that love will come when you're not looking, this is what they mean. While you're out making a fantastic life for yourself, the romantic part of your life will work itself out.

[Kevin T]

I agree with your first statement. As much as I may not like to admit it, this is the truth. Taking ownership over my own life; both the good and the bad, is the only way to achieve true freedom in my life. Only by acknowledging that this is well within my capable hands, can I change anything for the better. This is very true.

 

As for "not caring," that's probably not the right route for me anyway. It was hardly what I actually "wanted," nor is it something that would make me content in the end. The notion of waiting around for someone great to show up won't happen. I've done that to no end, and it has never gotten me anywhere. However, there is something in being willing to take positive steps into improving one's self. Only by becoming a stronger, better person can I have anything worthwhile to offer anyone. That much is true.

 

But do not make the mistake to presume that I do not care about anything else. I have friends. I have family. I have hobbies. I have interests. I have a future. I have goals. I have a plan. And I have dreams. However, the most important one which I hold is that of being with a soul mate.

 

Is that wrong? (Certainly the romantic in me says no.)

[bulletproof]

I don't think it's about right or wrong. It's nice to place importance on finding someone to love. It just can't be to the exclusion of everything else, and it certainly shouldn't influence whether we're happy or not in this present moment. That's all. I would never presume you don't have other things in your life. Just appreciate them. Don't focus on what's lacking. Focus on what's present.

[mitch17]

u dont want to go through life alone mate, u just have to keep hanging in there, one day the lucky shiela will come

[Kevin T]

I don't think it's about right or wrong. It's nice to place importance on finding someone to love. It just can't be to the exclusion of everything else, and it certainly shouldn't influence whether we're happy or not in this present moment. That's all. I would never presume you don't have other things in your life. Just appreciate them. Don't focus on what's lacking. Focus on what's present.

 

It shouldn't exclude everything else, of course not.

 

But it can and will influence whether I am happy and fulfilled right now. To deny that, is to deny myself. Something I have no intention of doing. Not now, not ever.

 

I won't pretend I'm happy and everything is peachy when it isn't. I'd rather embrace my pain and do what needs to be done to change it, than lie to myself or embrace ideals which I despise.

[bulletproof]

I don't remember ever writing that you should pretend you're happy. I think what I said was to find a way to get sincerely happy that isn't dependent on another person.

 

It can and will influence your happiness because you choose to let it. You can call it embracing your pain, but at the end of the day, it's being miserable for misery's sake. Not much fun, and certainly not that effective in finding a mate. It seems a shame to waste your youth on angst. But then, so did I, so I'm really not in the position to comment, on some level. I just wish I knew then what I know now, which is how precious and short life really is, and how appreciative I should really have been.

 

Do you think perhaps you suffer from depression? It sounds like you might.

 

Good luck in your search, for whatever that may be.

[Kevin T]

We obviously will never see eye-to-eye. We clearly have VERY different beliefs, goals, ideals and values. I see life as something that is meant to be shared with another, not horded to oneself. I see life as empty and meaningless without love, especially romantic love. I see humans created to share their lives with others, and there can be no greater bond than that of two lovers. As I said innumerable times already, I am romantic by nature. Forgive me.

 

You see things differently than I. You see life as something that can be enjoyed to the fullest alone or not. To you, having a partner is "nice" but almost... irrelevant. It's like a new car... would be nice to have, but not a necessity, or even something all that important. Happiness to you, comes from finding joy in something less precarious than a relationship with another person. And if I have your definition of happiness wrong, please tell me then, what makes you happy? What brings you the greatest joy?

 

To live completely independently of another person is a scary, and unrealistic thought. Everyone's heard Donne's expression of no man being an island. It's foolish to think that people can live happy despite their circumstances, situations or from other people. Tell a person who is going through a divorce that they should just be happy and not base their happiness on another person. Or tell the same to a person who is grieving the loss of their parent. In either case, you're unlikely to get a very favourable response. And I can understand why.

 

Am I depressed? At times, oh yes, very much so. How could it NOT show? I feel awful sometimes. I am depressed largely because I am alone and I hate it. (But I forgot, it shouldn't bother me. It shouldn't matter one way or the other.)

 

How on earth anyone could live their life that way, I'll never know. I'll never understand it either. It is the complete antithesis of how I think. Maybe that's why I just can't wrap my head around it.

 

It's a good thing I'm stubborn and rarely listen, otherwise I think I'd be even more depressed if I followed the me first, romance is dead motley that everyone seems to so enjoy sporting (even at this time of year).

 

Survival of the fittest, perhaps?

 

Well, whatever gets you through the day, I guess.

[Dako]

Kevin,

If I hadn't spent most of my life sharing your POV, I'd think you're nuts.

I devoted myself to a faith in love as the answer to everything. It worked so well I never once doubted it. I'm as stubborn and idealistic as anyone, and never believed I'd change, but life has it's twists.

 

But please don't discount the need others have for love. Just because I can enjoy each day alone doesn't mean I don't feel a need. It's there 24/7. I just accept it and make lemonade.

 

I really do wish you luck with your search for true love and soulmate.

[Kevin T]

Thanks Dako.

 

You know, I probably DO appear nuts, to most people. Especially the cynical, jaded ones who have no use for romantic love or relationships. I probably appear to be an over-obsessive loser who has no goals other than finding a "soul mate" (which "CLEARLY does not exist"). But I don't expect everyone to understand me. (I feel that VERY few people actually do, perhaps that also reinforces my desire to have someone to share all of myself with - and I DON'T just mean sexually.)

 

You're an INFP, so I would expect such a response from you. But let me ask you: What changed everything for you? You don't deny that you still feel the way you do, but the way you THINK seems to have been altered significantly. I really hope that never happens to me (even though when I post topics like this, I fear it already has. But it comes and goes...)

 

I'm extremely idealistic, in this respect. Even to a fault. The question is: Will it be my undoing or my path to happiness?

[Kevin T]

Apologies for the double-post, but another thing that really irks me is when people insist I lower my standards in what I look for. (Yeah, I'm on a tirade today...) As if what I look for in a woman is so ridiculously impossible to find.

 

Every day I see hundreds of beautiful girls I would consider dating, based on their appearance. So, I'm not THAT picky when it comes to looks. I want someone I'm physically attracted to, but that varies to an extent and I'm not that hard to please.

 

I also want someone who is kind, romantic, affectionate, warm and thoughtful. Is THAT so difficult to find in a beautiful woman?

 

The other main thing that is key for me is that we share the same faith and beliefs. Obviously, it wouldn't work for me to be with someone who was, say, an atheist, when I am devout believer in God. That simply wouldn't work. Of course, not smoking, being a drunk or a drug-addict also go along with this one.

 

And lastly, I look for someone who would be able to love me for who I am, and who would be attracted to me physically and emotionally as well.

 

That's IT.

 

Is that truly so much to insist upon? Is it actually necessary that I lower those standards because no one woman could possess all of those qualities in one package??? I wonder about that...

[Dako]

Kevin,

 

I had what I was seeking. I had a fine life with a woman who was my everything, yet I had my own social life and interests. Our friends thought we had it made until one day after finishing yet another home construction project for my dear wife, she ended it for her own reasons.

 

At that point, my faith in love everlasting, soulmates and marriage shattered.

Everything I believed in died in an instant.

 

Rebuilding my life without that faith was no picnic, but I'm deeply changed. Love is still paramount and someone may change me yet again, but I don't trust the fairy tale.

 

So many threads here are about the search for that perfect person and the belief that all you need to do is communicate, work at it and all will be perfect. For some, it may work until death ends it.

We call those successful marriages, whether they are or not.

 

Living life based on the love of one person is a precarious existence.

Walking that tightrope without a net isn't so wise. Imagine finding that perfect woman, having it all and enjoying bliss for years and years, then back to where you are right now.

 

I'm building a net.

[bulletproof]

Never have I said that I think a relationship is nice but irrelevant. Never have I said that you should just be happy, nor would I tell any person in pain a bit of advice as compassion-less as that. Grieving the loss of a spouse is hardly the same thing as spending one's life being miserable because there is no romance at the present time. To compare the two is insulting to anyone suffering that tragic of a loss.

 

What I have said, and will continue to stick by, is that we have to make the most of this moment, right now. Right now, I don't have a romantic relationship. I can feel awful about it, or I can try to have fun and make the best of all the good things I do have in my life. I can feel sorry for myself, and I can look for the external cause of my sorrow, or I can turn it inward and see what real change can happen.

 

I don't have a me first, romance is dead motto by any means. I give of myself constantly, to my friends, to my family, as a volunteer, as a co-worker.

 

You are also misinterpreting 'no man is an island'. That means humans are social animals. We are not meant to live alone, we are meant to live in communities (families, friends, so on). That may or may not mean coupling up. And biologically speaking, we are not monogamous or meant to remain together long-term, either.

 

You asked what brings me happiness. Listening to music I love, creating art, eating a great meal. Making the people around me happy. Getting a great night's sleep. These may seem small, but it helps me to appreciate them. Right now, that's what I've got, and it's not too bad.

 

You are not depressed because you are alone. You might be alone because you are depressed. But there are so many ways to help your depression, which means there's hope. Again, I wish you the best of luck.

[afonselaca]

I have made it through several lonely years by reminding myself that I HAVE LOVED. I have loved and been loved back. thereforeeee, I look at it from the standpoint that I am thankful that I have been in love before. I accept I'm not in love now and I have no clue whether I'll find it again but I won't let myself get down because it just might be around the corner.

 

I have a painting by Georgia O'Keefe titled "Road Past The View." When I look at it I remind myself that you can only see so far down your path until it winds out of sight. You never know what is around the next corner and there is no sense in wasting energy on worry but instead focus energy on what you can see now. Silly, I know, but it works for me

[Kevin T]

Living life based on the love of one person is a precarious existence.Walking that tightrope without a net isn't so wise. Imagine finding that perfect woman, having it all and enjoying bliss for years and years, then back to where you are right now.

 

I'm building a net.

 

Sad...

 

If I were to think as you, I... well, it wouldn't be good (let's just put it that way). But I have not walked in your shoes, so I cannot say whether you are right or wrong. All I can say is that I certainly do not share your outlook.

 

Let's just leave it at that.

 

Never have I said that I think a relationship is nice but irrelevant. Never have I said that you should just be happy, nor would I tell any person in pain a bit of advice as compassion-less as that. Grieving the loss of a spouse is hardly the same thing as spending one's life being miserable because there is no romance at the present time. To compare the two is insulting to anyone suffering that tragic of a loss.

 

What I have said, and will continue to stick by, is that we have to make the most of this moment, right now. Right now, I don't have a romantic relationship. I can feel awful about it, or I can try to have fun and make the best of all the good things I do have in my life. I can feel sorry for myself, and I can look for the external cause of my sorrow, or I can turn it inward and see what real change can happen.

 

I don't have a me first, romance is dead motto by any means. I give of myself constantly, to my friends, to my family, as a volunteer, as a co-worker.

 

You are also misinterpreting 'no man is an island'. That means humans are social animals. We are not meant to live alone, we are meant to live in communities (families, friends, so on). That may or may not mean coupling up. And biologically speaking, we are not monogamous or meant to remain together long-term, either.

 

You asked what brings me happiness. Listening to music I love, creating art, eating a great meal. Making the people around me happy. Getting a great night's sleep. These may seem small, but it helps me to appreciate them. Right now, that's what I've got, and it's not too bad.

 

You are not depressed because you are alone. You might be alone because you are depressed. But there are so many ways to help your depression, which means there's hope. Again, I wish you the best of luck.

 

Oh, I agree that we must make the most of the time we have now. For, we could all be dead and gone tomorrow. That is absolutely true. Keeping a positive outlook is key, and it seems you have a good grip on that.

 

The problem with people like me (I am hardly alone, sadly, though I wish I were in that respect), is that we tend to see things for the bigger picture, and have a hard time living day by day. More often then not, we have little to no patience and get locked into thinking that what we are experiencing now is what we will continue to experience forever. And trying to reason with someone who thinks with their heart, not their head, is about a pointless as trying to shoot an arrow to the moon.

 

I'm sorry that you, once again, feel the need to diminish the importance of romantic love. Sure, humans need community to survive. Without the company of others - in complete isolation, that is - it would not take long for anyone to become a stark-raving lunatic. But I firmly believe that man was created to find love, otherwise God would not have made Eve for Adam first. He didn't make Adam a drinking buddy or a brother. It's pretty unlikely that I will change that belief, no matter what anyone says. So what science tells me about how humans "shouldn't be monogomous or long-term", I don't know whether to gaffaw or spit upon that view; but either way, I care not for it. (Truth be told, it's propaganda like that, that is destroying marriages as we speak. But that's another discussion for another day...) I love how Freud said that the most important things for a man to be mentally healthy is to "love and work." I think that's very true.

 

It's great to find happiness in the little things. But for some of us, it is simply not enough. We demand more out of life. Doesn't mean we can't choose to be happy regardless of our circumstances, but it does mean that we aim for something higher than mere "existence."

 

Do you possess a master's (or higher) degree in psychology? If not, then why attempt to tell me what is the source of my depression? I hate to reiterate, but it must be done: I am depressed because I am alone. It is possible that being down has somehow influenced my behaviour which may have affected my circumstances, but we cannot know that for sure. In any event, I know myself well enough to know what makes me depressed and what does not. Thank you.

[bulletproof]

Actually, since you asked, I do have a master's in psychology. But it doesn't take a master's degree to see that my posts have upset you greatly. My apologies. I will refrain from posting to any of your threads in the future.

 

 

Take care

[Kevin T]

Upset? Nah. But I'm much too stubborn to just accept something that I don't agree with. You're more than welcome to say whatever you want, when you want. But I'm also welcome to disagree with what you say, of course.

[SexySadie7]

Kevin, I can so totally relate to what you are saying dear, "Right now I am at that point, I dont think I am going to find someone to love and who will love me back. The holidays make it painful and makes it even more apparent that I won't have a SO in my life. My last few attempts at meeting an SO have been disappointing to say the least. I am tired of having people be interested in me and then pull some crap on me."

I just got done dating someone who I thought really liked me, only to find out he couldn't care less about me! He dumped me and didn't even bother to tell me I was being dumped after about 7 weeks of seeing each other.

Not even a phone call. He's stopped answering any of my phone calls, won't bother responding to my voice mails. Even picked a fight with me on my birthday at 5 am, flying out of the bed But since he won't even talk to me now.. i'm not sure how to get closure. There's lots of things I would like to say to him, like.. why were you so inconsiderate of my feelings.. why bother to tell me to call you.. then never bother to pick up your phone or answer any of my voice messages??

Or.. do I just chaulk it up to the fact I've dated a complete pri@k?

That's a bit hard to do, since when we did hang out, lots of the time was very pleasant... and the sex was very nice.. It's kind of hard to hate someone who's given you pleasure too. It's confusing......

I don't know what to think or how to get my head back on str8....

Sorry.. for hijacking your post Kevin.. but i feel like you do in a way.. just say Screw it!, nothing ever seems to turn out right for me anyway!

[ChocoBB]

To be honest with you i think veryone must have one through this, ya i often though about it but I learn to just let it be and whatever comes along my way well thats what I 'll see

[Kevin T]

...I can't believe this topic's still here.