Getting Married, Ex in the picture

[caro33]

I don't really have anything new to add, I agree with the more recent posters re the unfairness of this to your current fiance and the strange short-sightedess you seem to be exhibiting.

 

You sound like a smart guy, read over your posts again. How can there be any other solution than to walk away from the current fiancee? Does she value fidelity? Do you think she would walk if she found out about your cheating on her with the ex? I'm not saying to tell her, because if it would break her heart she doesn't need to know the sordid details. Just be kind and end this now.

 

And what happens if you choose to commit to the ex-fiancee and she gets fat? What if she gets in an accident and you are not so attracted to her? How ridiculous that you can be talking about a lifelong commitment to someone who you say has little personality. How damning!

 

We are talking about LIFELONG commitments here. And it's fine if you are not prepared to make one yet, or at all, but I wonder how you can contemplate making one you so obviously do not have the heart to believe in even now, when things are supposed to be rosy. Weddings get called off all the time - every day that passes makes this harder, you must bite the bullet NOW.

 

I agree with Ellie, your statement that you wouldn't cheat on your wife with your ex sounds incongruous with your behaviour to date. If nothing else changes, I think you will find a way to have your cake and eat it. You may even kid yourself that you are doing your wife a 'favour' because at least you married her, and it was against your wishes. Surely you deserve some fun on the side, what she doesn't know won't hurt her...

 

How do you see yourself, what sort of man do you want to be? Put yourself in the position of future you - how about in 2 months' time, how about 2 years' time. How about 20 years? What would you like to see, and do you see either path you are looking at right now (commitment to either woman) taking you there?

 

I'm not trying to pitchfork you, but man, look at this from the outside if you can. It's just wrong, wrong, wrong, and I can't see how proceeding with the wedding while this stuff is there can in any way be the smart decision.

[jenny_mcs]

Some things struck me about your post:

 

You speak in a very negative way about both these women. Your ex “has very little personality” and just stares at you when you talk, and your fiancé is not attractive enough, not fun enough in the bedroom, and steamrolled you into marriage.

 

Sometimes people who are deeply insecure about themselves seek out partners to whom they feel superior, and this makes them feel better about themselves. You have The Ex, to whom you obviously feel superior in an intellectual way, and the Fiancé- you feel she is not up to par in attractiveness and sexual adventure-ness.

 

So what you have set up for yourself is a dynamic where you feel you have to choose between 2 women, both of whom have traits that you truly dislike.

 

I agree with the above posters who say that you sound like a smart guy. Are you also self-aware enough to see that you have purposely gotten involved with 2 women to whom you feel superior in some way? The dumb Barbie and the sexually dull Nice Girl?

 

I suggest that you take some time and figure out why you haven’t been dating women you truly adore – women that are sexy and fun in bed and also smart and interesting.

 

Marrying either of these women seems bound to end in divorce, and although I sense you are kind of enjoying the drama of this situation, divorce (while filled with drama) is ugly and never fun.

[Bethany]

Put yourself in Xmas future... when you snuggle on the sofa, who are you with? Is it your bride to be, your ex or someone completely different? Be honest with yourself.

[Jayar]

There is another part of the story I omitted to make the plot line less convoluted and me look like less of an * * * * (too late). I didnt' think it would impact the overall facts so I didn't include it.

 

The ex-fiancee found out I was getting married. She became upset and we didn't speak for a few months. She eventually called looking for an explanation. I explained that I had doubts about going through with my marriage to my current fiancee and that my relationship with the ex-fiancee was because I was still in love with her. She expressed her feelings about believing we were meant to be together. She wanted me to cancel the wedding and run off into the sunset with her.

 

bring out the torches and pitchforks

 

 

No torches or pitchforks, but if you think for one second your ex is genuine (I'm assuming she dumped you in the past?) then you aren't very bright. I'm sorry, but this is a CLEAR case of "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you either"... The reason your ex has entered your life again since finding out about the marriage is because it gives her a sick power fix to be having sex with you behind your current fiancee's back... It's a case of "he's choosing me over her... Well at least for the next half hour"

 

You probably don't agree with me. You'll see though.

[tictactoe2006]

I think you hit it right on the head Jayar.

[caro33]

Yes I also think Jayar raises a good point, and just from re-reading what you said (which Jayar quotes) your use of language is telling. Did your hot ex really think you owed her an explanation? What right does the ex have to demand anything from you re information about your current and future romantic choices?

 

It seems you have empowered her to believe she has this right, and it indicates she has a whole lot of control over you. I'm not sure you are comparing apples with apples here - your fantasy of the ex will most probably not be what you get if you go down that path. And if you go down the path of sticking with your current fiancee, I assume that her fantasy of you will also not be what she gets, and she won't be happy.

 

Neither looks like a particularly fun proposition for you, how about nicely breaking it off with the current and then going away for a month or so thinking time? Perhaps you need some space and distance.

[Rabican]

What a mess you have made my my my my.

 

Let me see if im clear on this, because I was a little confused by the post.

 

Your ex is a sex goddess, but not a good conversation, and not much to talk to... really not much going on there except for sex.. correct?

 

The fiance, bless her heart is a nice loving girl, whom you dont have a good sex life with. So you cheat on her.

 

ya, that makes you a bad guy. Id think that its better to NOT marry the woman that you really wont be happy with. I mean, you are already cheating on her now, do you really think that for the next 30 years you can stay happy with her?

 

Sure, her folks will be mad at you... i mean REALLY mad at you for cancelling out after they spent 50 large on a wedding. But if I were them, Id be even more mad if I shelled out 50 large for your wedding and THEN found out you cheated on my little girl. god would I be gunning for you.

 

I really think you should either call off the current wedding, or have a serious talk about your 'chemistry' and see if theres anything you can do to fix it. time is short, so work fast. that said, stop being a jerk, and quit seeing the ex. Have at least enough respect for your current girl to not cheat on her. I really think it would be best if you just left and told her it wasnt working, I dont think you should tell her about the cheating though. That would just crush her even more, and all she really needs to know is that its over. She doesnt need to be annihilated on top of that.

[Rabican]

That's absolutely true and it's the most unfair part of this. She's guilty of nothing more than loving me and has done nothing wrong.

 

 

 

I don't know that I would continue to have an affair. I seriously doubt that I would. I'm not married yet.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

On second thought.... forget my last post altogether.

 

Just dont get married dude. You have no concept of the commitment involved.

You 'dont know' that you would continue the affair. Dude, marriage is paper. Thats it. Its a piece of legal paper that signifies your love, trust, commitment etc. to your fiance (wife). You are not showing love, trust, commitment, faithfulness to her now why would you start after you sign the dotted line. Just tell her you are not ready to get married, tell her you are dying of cancer, tell her you turned gay, tell her whatever you gotta tell her... but tell her its over. She deserves more than you have, or can give her. And do yourself a favor, pay her parents back the 50k that they blew on you. Maybe that will put you back into Karma's good graces.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

On the other hand she is not very well liked by my family and friends. In fact, because of her stand-offish attitude she is often not liked by anyone.

 

Aside from the fact that you say your ex has no personality and you can't converse with her, it seems that she is not well-liked by very many people. That says a lot about a person if your family AND friends don't like her. If the only thing she has going for her is that she is drop dead gorgeous bombshell who can go at it like a porn star....big deal. Those "attributes" don't get a person very far in the real world...a person has to be able to get along with others. Your current fiancee, on the other hand, seems to have the attributes which are important in the long run. As the other posters have stated, you are doing her a grave disservice by cheating on her and continuing this charade. She deserves a man who will appreciate her for who she is. Perhaps her lack of interest in the bedroom may even stem from some vibes you are giving off that she is just not good enough. If you are comparing her to your ex-fiancee who is as wild as a porn star, perhaps your current fiancee senses this and that is why things are not so rosy in the bedroom. I think it would be a good idea for you to end things with your current fiancee as well as your ex-fiancee and take a good long look at yourself and how you define love. Love is so much more than mind-blowing sex...it is about respecting your partner. Not only are you not respecting your current fiancee by cheating on her, you are also don't seem to have much respect for your ex-fiancee since the only thing that you have praise for with regards to her is her body and her sexual prowess. I hope you wait before thinking of marriage to anyone...and in that time, read some books on relationships.

[annie24]

I wouldn't marry either one. It doesn't sound like the long-term compatibility is there with either one. If you get married, it should be to someone that you can share a life with, someone who is responsible, would be a good wife and mother, but also a good sexual partner for you also. One woman has one aspect and the ex-fiance has the other. What you need is a 3rd woman who has aspects of both.

 

I think that the best thing you can do is break off the engagement. The 325 people coming to the wedding will deal, and I think you are better off cancelling the wedding than to go forward. i just read an article recently saying that the AVERAGE cost of divorce is $25,000. And if you guys are on the higher end of the income scale, I bet it would be more.

[DizzyDoris]

Hey there, me again! just wondered if you've got things sorted now? Is the wedding still going ahead? Have you stopped seeing barbiegirl?!

 

Hope you've sorted your head out now and do whats right for you AND your fiancee. (although what that may be? dont ask me!)

 

Best of luck to you both, whatever may happen.

[mazurka]

Well

 

From my experience, there is nothing like a marriage proposal to bring an ex out of the woodwork

 

I nearly scr3wed up my current marriage becuase of my ex, and only becuase my current wife really loves me and understood what my ex was doing did we manage to overcome the near devastation I nearly wreaked on my wedding plans

 

A few pointers

 

1) Your ex DOES NOT LOVE YOU! No matter how much you think she does, its physical attraction confusing the whole issue, and if she really loved you, she would leave you alone to make your own decision and wish for nothing more than your happiness. Dont confuse lust with love.

 

 

2) Your "safe choice" is a person too. You said she is in a hurry to get married and that may be because she understands the risk that your ex poses on the relationship. There are many reasons why I think a woman will hurry on marriage, but remember this. Even if she did hurry to get married, if it all goes pear-shaped she will blame you as you didnt have the b3lls to tell her that you didnt really love her and upset the wedding plans

 

 

3) Life is about a bit more than love. I dont think there is a relalationship in the world where a person can truly say that they love someone 100% of the time. People change with time and you can fall in and out of "love" many times during a marriage and I really think its people that are realistic about this , that make it in the long run.

 

Ex's can bring many feelings of confusion into a current relationship and I think in your case, she has done this purposefully.

 

To be honest though, you dont really sound like you value any of these woman very much. Your ex , you say you dont comminicate with (I dont understand , other than lust, how you can love someone you dont talk to) and you say your current partner shares common values with you and can communicate.

 

Marriage is hard at times (Speak to anybody here who is, has been married) and its communication , not great sex which is going to see you through.

 

I may be assuming things but it seems you may be thinking of an easy ride with a financially stable, secure partner but if that is what you are thinking you are very sadly mistaken.

 

Finally my opinion, decide if you want to further things with your ex (I dont think you should), but if you marry your fiance, you need to never ever see your ex again, or it wont work. Trust me on that

[Misser]

Bad, You're in love with an ex-girlfirend while dating someone else. Worse, you're about to be married which is a huge commitment. Even worse yet, you're haveing sex with your ex. Does your fiancee know you love this other women, and are having sex with her. This is probably why you do not feel comfortable being intimate with your fiance. I think you should go with plan 3 because you do not deserve any better. That's just my opinion

[Themis]

End the engagement as soon as possible. You're going to feel bad no matter what you do at this point, so you might as well do the best thing for everyone involved. Maybe her parents could even get some of their wedding deposits back.

[Themis]

Oh, I didn't realize that this thread went back a month. How did it all turn out?

[Dwayne Dibbley]

I'm no expert but I'd recommend ditching both and renting a cabin by a lake for a month and get yourself some 'me' time.

The ex is most likely just after what she can't have and if she achieved her goal it would all of a sudden be boring again and she'd move onto the next exciting challenge.

The current fiance sounds great, but not for you. She deserves honesty and respect, you're providing neither, ergo in all fairness to her you may want to consider calling it off and letting her kow why.

 

I really don't think you're truly ready for committment or in love and both are essential for a long term relationship to succeed. Be honest with yourself and fair to others.

[Dwayne Dibbley]

On second thoughts, perhaps you should marry the personality deficient sex machine.

[Jlizzy]

The grass is always greener on the other side.

 

I reckon you should let your current fiancee go..and I don't say it for consideration for you....she deserves better than your current actions!!

 

As for the ex...well go for it then..sounds like you're dying for hot nookie and a hot body but wait til it wears off soon enough and you wind up realising what you lost....

 

You really need to take a step back mate and take a look at things...do the right albeit hard thing and put the marriage on hold!