Dwayne Dibbley

"the idea is a damn turn-on for our imagination" Of course it is and she knows that, that's why she's saying these things, to get you hot and admire her as a sexual wild cat cos that also gives her a buzz. But believe me, the imagination is definitely where it should stay unless she sits you down over coffee and with a serious attitude expresses a desire to explore such areas, even then check it out deeply before you take a chance on having both barrels blow up in your face.

I'd like to thank everyone for their help and input, but it's all over now, I have given up, I'm tired and exhausted. I've banged my head against the wall and bit the bullet over so many things for so many years that I no longer care, whatever happens in this house is fine by me, they can get on with it, I'm numb so it doesn't matter either way.

On second thoughts, perhaps you should marry the personality deficient sex machine.

I'm no expert but I'd recommend ditching both and renting a cabin by a lake for a month and get yourself some 'me' time. The ex is most likely just after what she can't have and if she achieved her goal it would all of a sudden be boring again and she'd move onto the next exciting challenge. The current fiance sounds great, but not for you. She deserves honesty and respect, you're providing neither, ergo in all fairness to her you may want to consider calling it off and letting her kow why. I really don't think you're truly ready for committment or in love and both are essential for a long term relationship to succeed. Be honest with yourself and fair to others.

I have to once again thank you all for your continued input, it's tremendous to have your support and not feel like a pervert or self centered individual. At this stage I fear it has gone on too long as I'm suddenly aware I no longer care. The idea of sex, let alone me being pleasured, has become tiresome and representative of anguish to me, thus I have found myself avoiding it more and more. I feel I am content now to occupy myself with any activety provided it does not lead to sex. This makes me feel slightly sad at the idea of us loosing out on so much, and slightly relieved at teh prospect of no more anguish.

I have been in the past Marathoner, only to find she internalises such comments and obsesses over how bad a person she is and adds weight to the already hefty stick she regularly beats herself with. I have learnt to steer clear of such honesty and directness as it only adds to the problem as she fails to learn and grow from the information communicated and prefers to view it as more reason to despise herself, thus making herself feel even less inclinced and adding to the problem.

I fear menopause does have it's part to play in this at present but find difficulty accepting that as an excuse for so many years. Am I wrong? I'm far from selfish, I get just as big a kick from pleasuring her only. 75-25 in her favour would be fine for me. No apologies necessary, it helps to see different view points, especially when the writer is emotive. This helps me think outside the box. I truly wish we could find that place Rodeo Rider.

Certainly did. I agree, but fear my wife resents any inference that sex is a duty. If I insisted she would perform but I would feel horrible for having 'made' her rather than it being of her own volition, and she knows this and I'm sure she uses it to her advantage.

Sounds to me like she's on the rebound. I wouldn't necessarily give her the ultimatum you propose, but I would sit her down and attempt to clarify and gets some answers. I wouldn't advocate getting but hurt about her speaking with an ex, but so frequent is a bit too much. I wouldn't advocate fighting over this, and she may well see your concern as foolish jealousy, oblivious to the hurt she's causing. Simply explain your feelings to her clearly and calmly and explain that you can't maintain the relationship while suffering the hurt. If she suggests a split then go with it as that would show she doesn't necessarily care that much about the relationship

I remember many people telling me "Don't stay in a relationship just because of the kids" and to a degree it's right. If I had, God only knows what would have become of me. I haven't seen my kids in years, they may well be married now and it hurts, but rather that than the road I was travelling. I don't have any answers for you, but you do. Do you want it to work or do you want out? Be honest with yourself and take action as doing the dance day in day out is not resolving anything.

BeStrongBeHappy has it in a nutshell. You have to vocalise the intent to calm and when you do word it so neither and both are at fault as opposed to insinuating blame on one party alone. I only know this because I've discovered it myself. Saying "Look, just let it go and shut up" fuels the fire but "Hold on sweetheart, I think we're both letting this get out of hand. How about we just hold each other a while" has the effect of calming both of you and you tend to forget most of the argument or suddenly see it as trivial and pointless. One other thing. Never take it to the bedroom with you. You'll most likely wake up feeling resentful but not knowing why.

Marathoner and Scout, yup I agree, I think counselling is the only way. Fortunately we can get it free or for donations here. Marathoner, I intend to do my best to remain throughout regardless, I love the woman. Perhaps things will pick up once the teen removes himself.

Good advice indeed BSBH, but the annoying thing is we do this, regularly, but it never gets put into effect. I'm at a point now where I don't know wether to say anything or not as sometimes she see's it as demanding or pressurising her and this only exascerbates the problem.

Thanks for that Rose, now I don't feel quite so alone. It sounds very similar except for the violence, I do hope your situation eases up for you. And I can easily sympathise with the part about them lying there with a clear head while we're silently raging with no outlet, it does feel very unfair. Thanks for making me feel a little more normal.

Two more things LM, I know it probably sounds irritatingly repetative as I've no doubt it is mentioned many times in this forum but, tell him to read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", it's very enlightening. The second thing is one sentence in particular that caught me somewhat off centre... "I am willing to do whatever he needs to make his life easier"... while I appreciate you're willing to work hard at this relationship and do whatever you can to help him, don't be a door mat, it's a two way street hon, he should be equally willing to reciprocate. Again, hope the new developments continue on a positive slope.

Looking good LM, looking real good, especially from your side of the fence. I'm real pleased you've both found a means to progress and if I'm not mistaken it's looking promising. I have to thank you also as your posts are so descriptive and honest I very much find myself seeing comparisons and new perspectives then making mental notes with regard to my relationship. I really hope it works out for the best for you, whatever that may be.

"Why don't you and your wife incorporate some physical fitness, travel, new interests and hobbies back into your relationship? I know this is a roundabout way to fixing your sexual issues, but if you two become re-engaged with each other and the relationship, I think your sex life will vastly improve, with time." Sorry Scout, but tried this too. Either I didn't give it long enough or it didn't work. Yeah, she loved it, going places, doing things, and we talked and talked but that's where it stopped. I tried this for several months.

She dresses up in slinky bedroom wear, and goes to bed with you and has sex, after you give her lots of foreplay but she does not give you any foreplay?She dresses up in slinky bedroom wear, and goes to bed with you and has sex, after you give her lots of foreplay but she does not give you any foreplay? We're both 44 Marathoner.

Lonely Me, you sound a lot like my wife, and your husband sounds a lot like me, thereforeeee I may be able to shed a little light by saying things to you that I found difficulty accepting and communicating to my wife. It sounds like hubby may be suffering from an inflated ego as a result of his success in college, is drained as a result of your ongoing difficulties and is a tad arrogant, like me. Let me explain in terms of myself instead of picking on hubby. I am a caring and emotional person who tries hard to be compassionate and understanding, but sometimes my own stuff gets in the way, I become impatient for whatever reason and my exhaustion/exasperation levels become too high. When this happens I find great difficulty being compassionate, understanding and most of all being calm and patient. It hurts me to see my wife upset and it’s almost like I envision the cause as a mortal enemy that I must eradicate, but because I can’t grab it by the throat as I would a physical attacker, the frustration levels begin to ramp. You see, we men are not like women, we aren’t pre-disposed to just listening empathically, we feel a real need to fix it, and if we can’t fix it then we try to evade/deny it. In this attempt our male brains cells become all confused and make us do wacky stuff like start acting cold to the one we love. Don’t ask me to explain it, I’m a man! My wife and I have managed to overcome this sort of thing mostly, but it’s a two way street and understanding and communication are paramount. You have to understand his need to fix or evade, but equally he has to understand your need to just vent and be heard and consoled without him trying to fix anything or feel responsible or guilty. I would recommend you wait till he’s in a good mood, free of stress and being loving then discuss this with him. I’m sure he’ll be receptive. I don’t believe getting a dog or moving away will solve anything as that is merely supplanting the problem and will most likely cause more trouble in the long run. Plus I’ve always felt that walking away temporarily is usually the beginning of the end. I suspect you’re BOTH emotionally drained and instead of a separation I would advocate a short break together. Pack your bags and take a mini vacation the both of you. Go somewhere peaceful where you can both reflect and spend a lot of uninterrupted time together talking, and not talking; it’s surprising how effecting an hour or so of not talking together can be. Ellie said.. “If anything, shouldn't he be THANKFUL for your support? Shouldn't he be thankful that you rearranged your whole life to be there for him? Shouldn't he be thankful that you've agreed to uproot your life for his convenience? Shouldn't he be thankful that your job keeps him from going into debt? Shouldn't he be thankful for your love? Shouldn't he be thankful that he has you as his anchor in his life?” I don’t mean any disrespect Ellie and if you read on you’ll understand, but no! He shouldn’t! Why? Because he’s a man! Simple. He’s re-arranged his life and is studying for her. He moved to study for her. He suffers the indignation of not earning to study for them and their future. He loves just as much as she does, if not more. He is a rock for her and her emotional ways, he is tremendously supportive of her. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not arguing with you Ellie, of course you are correct in your assertions, I’m just attempting to show how his minds works and what he’ll most likely think and say in response to such comments and, ergo, show that raising these points will do naught but cause further conflict and argument. One thing that must be avoided at all cost is a * * * for tat competition. Another thing you must understand is that women cry more easily than us big, tough, macho men. But secretly we envy you, because we take all the stuff that upsets us, but we don’t cry about it the way women do. As stupid as it may be we can often turn this difference in the sexes into spite because “you lot cry all the damn time and we just get on with it” which roughly translated means we get resentful because of our own insecurities around crying and risking being seen as weak. One more thing to bear in mind, you need him to just listen and be compassionate and patient and calm, but so does he. He needs to get a grip, be more tolerant and understanding and refrain from seeing your upset as his responsibility to fix, and you need to spend some time thinking a bit more carefully about the rationality of your feelings. Your feelings may be valid, but if they don’t reflect fact he will see them as irrational and rebuff regardless. Yes, I know this is wrong and he needs to refrain from judging your emotions and learn to just accept them and provide comfort, but it would help him if from time to time you throw in the odd comment like “I really feel like XYZ, I know I shouldn’t because that’s not really the way it is and my feelings probably sound irrational to you right now, but they’re still my feelings and I just need you to listen for a while and not judge or invalidate my feelings”. I sincerely hope this diatribe helps in some small way.

I think it's a case of all suggestions and recommendations are valid, some more than others. I'm inclined to think it's a little laying the law down, a little easing off and/or playing hard to get and a little dedication to other things in life. I suppose the aches and pains of old age and various anxieties imposed on us of late don't help a tremendous amount either. Things aren't bad at the minute, communication is great. We'll see how the next couple of months go. Thank you all for your continued input, due to which I'll be hanging around, as opposed to being a 'hit and run' poster, in the hope I can support others as you have me.

Heloladies and Angelbomb, again you both make very good points and I thank you again for taking the time to respond again. Regarding the fakeness, I can see your point Helo, I do rip her a new one occasionally, but probably not often enough as yes I hate confrontation, I hate to upset her and also she has a penchant for using guilt tactics to make me feel bad for saying anything in the firt place, which work every time. I think you're both saying play it cool for a while. I know it seems like I have an answer for every suggestion, but believe me I've spent an inordinate amount of time researching, questioning, soul searching etc. I've tried that, though probably not for long enough, partly because as soon as she pays a little attention I become a love sick puppy like putty in her hands instead of being cool and of hand. Maybe I should ease of again but this time reject her eventual advances and make her work for it? This is trepadicious for me as I suspect strongly she wouldn't be too bothered and wouldn't try again, or make any significant effort. Yet, when we're alone and the teen is out for the night she does occasionally initiate by dressing up, but still no foreplay, at least not for me. I am so confused!

Angelbomb, Marathoner, What you both say is good advice, the only problem being I've done and am doing all of that. I'm naturally romantic and a good listener. I feel one of the most important things in a relationshio is honest, clear and sometimes trepaditious communication. I make pains to accurately understand her perspective and further pains ensuring she knows I understand. Romance is a drug to me, I'm basically an emotional guy. Gifts I love to give, all year round, I just love the feeling of giving another a little joy and seeing their smile. Being tentative to her needs can be difficult as she hides so much but with a little work and a lot of thought I think I do a fair job. Doing around the house, picking up clothes instead of leaving them lying, putting my shoes in the rack, not leaving documents in a pile anywhere, doing the dishes, driving her anywhere at any time, shopping etc, yup. Poems, love letters, cute cards, romantic cards, making something out of wood or metal, decorating. Regular foot massages and occasional body massages with oils. Compliments are easy, I find her deeply attractive in so many ways and also make a point of making compliments regularly due to her diminished self confidence, I've been working for several years to build it up, it's been a long and slow road but it's getting there slow but sure. Counsellors, been there, done that. And telling her, calmly, I've done to no avail. I say no avail, what I mean is there'll be a cloud for a day or so then I get jumped on then it's back to square one again for another couple of months. This has gone on for about a year now, telling her that is, the whole scenario has been about three years plus. Sorry to be so negative guys, I really appreciate your advice and you taking the time to provide it and would be grateful if you continued.

Yeah, that actually makes sense. I only recently discovered that I'd unwittingly caused her to deny herself of a pleasure and freedom every other woman enjoys and should enjoy. Most would think it trivial, so trivial I missed it for years, but when I realised I insisted things change and there has been a positive improvement in her confidence. The trouble is she's a woman that takes an inocuous and innocent comment and reads way too much into it; the egg shells are a real pain sometimes. Any how, your words do make sense, the only thing now is to discover what to do about it. I've involved myself quite heavily in the things she likes, some to the extent of initiating and maintaining a group necessitating some considrable expense. I've also removed interests I used to have that she didn't like. I really don't know what more to do. I think the main difference in us is she's an intellectual, a thinker, a debater, I'm not. I get bored with long winded documentaries, extensive reading of text etc. I'm just not made like that. Help!

We've been married a fair time. I feel she loves me, but I'm confused. I feel conned. When we first got together she went completely overboard to please me, sexually and otherwise. Now it's all gone to hell. Yes, I understand perfectly that things do slide in a longterm relationship, that's natural, but I don't feel this situation is fair or healthy. Frequency had diminished and to be honest I can deal with that, I don't feel anywhere near as eager as I once was either, but we still have desire... I think. Ok, let me explain. We once had a full and very varied sex life, now it's become somewhat unbalanced. The problems as I see it are two fold. 1. Most often its ok when she's in the mood but when the shoes on the other foot there is every excuse under the sun. occasionally this would be ok, but it's like 95% of the time. 2. We used to give/receive oral to an equal degree, either as part of foreplay, during or afterwards, and sometimes for no other reason than to please the other as opposed to getting some oneself. Now, I only receive when I complain, which generally works out at an average of once every 60 days, and then it feels half hearted and like she's doing it in sufference, yet she receives every single time we make loved and many times I'd prefer to just give her pleasure and not make love or get any myself; I tend to get a lot of enjoyment from giving as well as receiving. I used to receive out of the blue just for the sake of giving me pleasure, that's long gone. I'm getting on in years and while I still enjoy the pleasure of sexual relations I'm not always up to the olympics I once was and would often prefer just oral. I've heard all the excuses in the world and have countered most of them due to their flimsiness. Some excuses I felt could well be valid and took them on board working within new parameters and under new constraints (i.e. being considerate of the time of year/month/week, conforming to new conditions etc), but to no avail which left me convinced I had once again been duped. Am I being selfish? Is she being selfish? Is this no big deal? Women are SO damn complicated!