Getting Married, Ex in the picture

[ImaFool]

Thanks for reading. I'm looking for unbiased advice. This has already been run by my parents who offered good but inconclusive advice. It only seems natural that I should share it with complete strangers now. Feel free to chastise, insult and give me your honest opinion of what a cad I am. If you could throw in a few constructive items that would help too.

 

I'm getting married in 1 month. The invitations are out, the venue is booked and my Fiancee's parents have laid out 50k+ on all the arrangements. 325 People are expecting a wedding. Talk about pressure.

 

My ex-fiancee and I broke up 5 years ago and I never stopped loving her. I'll try to keep descriptions of her as tame as possible (not sure what the decency rules on this board are), but she has an incredible physique and is a crazy woman during our private time. Or in some cases the not-so-private times. Ah, the memories... and the stories... Anyway, she's a beautiful blond bombshell with a good career as an attorney and we have definite chemistry. On the other hand she is not very well liked by my family and friends. In fact, because of her stand-offish attitude she is often not liked by anyone. She also isn't very good with money and balks at prolonged physical exertion (hiking, traveling, anything athletic). Her family hates me and I don't think much of them either. We don't talk much, she mostly just listens to what I say and gazes at me with her big blue eyes, nodding occasionally. She has very little personality. But she can be very sweet and did I mention she looks amazing in a bathing suit?

 

If you haven't guessed yet, the Ex-fiancee is back in the picture. She's realized she made a huge mistake leaving 5 years ago and now wants to elope and spend the rest of our lives together. It's what I always wanted but seeing as I'm getting married in 30 days to another woman, the timing could have been a bit better.

 

My bride-to-be is a great woman in her own way. She is good with money and has a very stable financial future. She makes 3 times my salary and I do quite well by myself. She is smart, conversational, engaging and shares my same political/social views. She will be a wonderful mother some day. Although she's an attractive woman, she doesn't even approach my ex-fiancee. We have no chemistry and our "special private time" is non-existent. I spend many nights coming up with excuses not to be intimate.

 

In the 4 years I've been dating my bride-to-be, I've spent time on and off with my ex-fiancee. That makes me a terrible person, I know. I believe that the ex-fiancee's renewed expressions of love are heartfelt.

 

Should I stay the course and let the powerful current of my life take me into a passionless marriage? Should I shirk my responsibilities and go back to the woman I never stopped loving and have freaky "special private time"? Or should I look to door number 3; the empty unknown of bachelorhood in my 30s.

 

Thanks.

[kermit]

I made a similar error as a young man, I married the safe choice, but not the right choice. When the woman I should have married entered my life again, 30years later, it was immediately obvious that I should have married her and not my wife. The repercussions continue to this day.

 

I'm not saying you're doing the wrong thing, just that you shouldn't ignore your gut instincts, and you shouldn't expect your feelings to change radically over the next few years. Marriages don't gain passion over the years, at least not in my opinion.

 

You said over the last four years you spent with your old girlfriend. How did that go? Why did you only see her on-and-off?

 

I wouldn't let the inertia of your life dictate your decision. It will only get harder and more painful if you change your mind after you're married.

[ImaFool]

Holy crap Kermit. I feel like I just got smacked in the face by the ghost of Christmas future. Seriously though, thank you.

 

I only saw her on and off because I was living with my "bride-to-be". She moves around quite a bit for her job. I was able to schedule business trips for weeks at time to see her. If I knew she would be in a particular city for a period of time I would rent an apartment there until her job took her elsewhere.

 

The time we spent together was no more than a week at a time every month. We had a lot of fun, went out a lot... stayed in a lot. I was truly happy for those short periods of time.

 

Thanks for your advice. It definitely gave me pause. My bride-to-be seems to be the choice I'd make if I were thinking purely with rational thought. My ex-fiancee is the choice I would make if I were thinking purely emotionally and with part of my body that should never be allowed to make decisions.

[gattsuga]

i think you need to ask why you're marrying your current fiance.

 

do you love her? other than safe and responsible, what else do you two have in your relationship? why don't you two have any sparks in your private time?

 

other than the intense 'private time' with the blonde, what else do you share? Is it all just physical? You say she doesn't have much of a personality, and doesn't share the same views as you in a lot of areas. Is this 'intense' private time going to last forever? What happens 5-10 years down the road, when things die down a bit... a relationship has to have more than just an intense sex life (although a lack of one is a big problem too)

 

from your post, it sounds like you already know what you want... but you just don't know if it's the right choice.

 

this is a really tough choice... and i don't envy you for having to make it. but i think ultimately, it's what YOU want the most. It doesn't matter what your parents/her parents think. It's better than living in doubt for the rest of your life

[kermit]

It's easy to be happy and have fun under those conditions. No real life pressures. What if you were married, with debt, a crappy job, and some children? Would life with her be as good?

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Have you ever been attracted to your current fiance? Or did your "private time" dwindle over the years? Because if at one time you were attracted to her, I feel you can recapture those feelings. But you are not giving your current fiance a fair shake, spending time with your ex-fiance, whom you are CLEARLY attracted to, is going to put on the rose colored glasses for you and your current fiance would never stand a chance. How is that fair?

 

Now if you were never attracted to your current fiance and your are dating her merely because she is the "safer" choice, then I say go with option three. Marry neither of these women. I noticed other than your ex-fiance's physique and career, you had NOTHING nice or commendable things to say about her. You actually did a lot of complaining about her IMO. Why would you marry someone you have nothing in common with? And if you were never attracted to your current fiance, then it would be a mistake to marry her. Attraction and chemistry with our partners separates them from our friends. It is an important and beautiful part of a relationship.

 

I do not envy your position at all. You are in a tough spot but someone wise told me once, if you have a shred of doubt, do not marry the person. It can be sorted out. But once you are married, the stakes get very high. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[kermit]

if you have a shred of doubt, do not marry the person. It can be sorted out. But once you are married, the stakes get very high. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

Good advice. You can always change your mind and get married, getting unmarried isn't as easy.

 

Imafool - you have the private message option turned off. Is this on purpose?

[Layword]

Your a joke. I can't believe you would let your physical attractions for that women overide your marriage with your current fiancee.

 

You owe it to her to get married, i'm assuming you proposed and i'm assuming you don't JUST like this women, your in love with her. I can't believe your being unfaithful ALREADY to your current fiancee. I don't want to see you with that women if she's going to end up hurt, my advice to you is to end the relationship with your EX or, if your going to let her stop your life everytime she has a "revelation" then put the marriage on hold.

 

You know the right choice, you know that if you leave your current fiancee you'll never forgive yourself. Listen to me, MANY men have had this situation, but do you know what? They stuck with their fiancee, and now they're the happiest men on earth. Faithfulness, loyalty, and your obligation to her will make your passioniate side expload.

 

Your current fiancee will feel like apart of you, you will feel unable to walk the earth without thinking about her. Don't give your EX another thought, tell her off. Your fine without her, your fine now.

 

Cheers~

[chai714]

Wow.

 

Quite a story. In many respects, I can understand how you feel being torn between two women - one who is an animal with a drop dead body and one who is sane and you can get along with.

 

I would guess 9 out of 10 would advise you to go with the sane one, even though the sex life is less than good. But being that you only get married once (my rule, anyhow) it ought to be with someone you're completely content with and that includes sex. I can understand being in your 20's and having a good sex partner can be one of the most if not the most important thing. As time goes on though, you might realize that being someone you get along with and can relate to will rise in the ranks. Your current fiancee can be taught a few things in the bedroom if you put in the time and effort. She may never have the body or looks of your ex but she's got most every other thing covered. And the fact that you can get along with her family will be of importance in the future since they will likely be a part of your life. Whereas your ex fiancee and her family don't necessarily enjoy good conversation with you.

 

I can feel for you though. I have encountered a crossroad like this but it didn't involve marriage. If I were you, I would go for the sane woman. If you're going to have "one last fling" get it out of your system forever before you get married and never tell anyone. I'm not condoning cheating but if you are to do it, then get it over with now and take it to your grave.

[ImaFool]

"do you love her?"

 

Yes, but certainly in a different way than I love my ex-fiancee. It feels more like I'm marrying a friend.

 

"what else do you two have in your relationship?"

 

We have a lot in common. She gets my jokes and cultural references. Because things are not great in the bedroom we usually go out a lot. Events, concerts, bars, plays...

 

"why don't you two have any sparks in your private time?"

 

She's not physically what I've looked for in a partner. Also, she approaches sex from an uncomfortable angle.

 

Every time I have sex with my ex-fiancee it's like we're having sex for the first time. Even when we were together all the time it was like that. With "bride-to-be", even the first time, it seemed like we were just doing another household task like folding laundry.

 

I'm not particular interested in spicing it up either. She's not receptive to new things and if I were to suggest something new, her response would probably be: "Well, I guess we could try that..." I find her approach to sex to be very... emasculating. Almost like she's one step away from whipping out some intimidating strap-on device after which I would huddle in the corner of the shower rocking and weeping.

 

The ex-fiancee was always excited about anything new. I was truly the man in the bedroom and nothing was off limits. We even went to some of those private clubs, you know the ones. The ex is innocent looking but up for the craziest stuff... and that is truly appealing.

[ImaFool]

"if you have a shred of doubt, do not marry the person"

 

Thanks KellBell. I agree with Kermit, that was a very sensible post. It echoes my parents opinion closely but it takes on more significance to see a disinterested party say it.

 

I certainly don't think going through with my marriage would make me unhappy. I would have to resign myself to a sexless marriage. Priests do it all the time right? Maybe it won't be a problem.

[ImaFool]

Faithfulness, loyalty, and your obligation to her will make your passioniate side expload.

 

Thanks for the advice. I've actually considered that very same sentiment. I had hoped that, given time, the passion would emerge. But I also know that marriage doesn't create anything that didn't already exist. Except maybe a legal document.

[Jayar]

Don't marry your fiancee... If I was your fiancee I certainly wouldn't want to tie myself down to you. What a complete betrayal and deception. You deserve to be happy with your ex, but more importantly your current fiancee deserves to be LOVED for who she is by someone other than you.

 

Moving forward with this marriage is NOT the right choice, no matter what side you look at it from. It may be the easiest choice, but not the right one. And if you think in some weird way that a marriage tainted with an affair (because you know you will continue to have one) is going to hurt your fiancee LESS than backing out of the marriage now, you are severely delusional.

 

You say your exes feelings are genuine... Good for you. But I quite honestly would care less about your fate and happiness than that of your fiancee. And I'd feel the same about her if she was here posting in your shoes.

 

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

[ImaFool]

one who is an animal with a drop dead body and one who is sane and you can get along with.

 

You've summed it up quite succinctly.

 

I would guess 9 out of 10 would advise you to go with the sane one, even though the sex life is less than good.

 

Yes, and that's also the way I'm leaning. However, the "having a good sex partner" motivation can be incredibly powerful.

 

 

And the fact that you can get along with her family will be of importance in the future since they will likely be a part of your life. Whereas your ex fiancee and her family don't necessarily enjoy good conversation with you.

 

Yes, a very important consideration and something I value about my current fiancee.

 

 

If you're going to have "one last fling" get it out of your system forever before you get married and never tell anyone. I'm not condoning cheating but if you are to do it, then get it over with now and take it to your grave.

 

As much as I like the idea, I feel like the last 4 years have been "one last fling". If I decide to marry my current fiancee I think I should start respecting her as soon as I make the decision since I haven't respected her thus far.

 

Thanks for the good advice.

[DizzyDoris]

What a horrible situation you've got yourself into. Okay im gonna give you my perspective.

 

I would not want to get married to someone who felt like this about me, my future husband should adore me, not feel as though he is marrying a friend!

 

I would not want to get married to someone who has already cheated on me before the wedding and has feelings for another woman!

 

If you feel this way about your fiancees bedroom antics (private time) i am sure she must be feeling the same way about you. How do you know she isnt just marrying you out of pressure? 50k you say has been spent on this wedding. She could feel trapped into marrying you, or just ignore me, she could love the bones off you, i dont know.

 

I wouldn't get married if i had any doubts. And if you dont think your fiancee is the "one" stop this wedding now. If you marry her, can you see yourself ending things with barbiegirl, or is this going to be one of those 20 year affairs?!

 

If you can already see now that your not 100% sure and happy, in the future you could look back and have regrets and break this womans heart. Best to be done now, she's young and will get over you (eventually) If you do marry her and keep cheating and dont love her like she deserves to be loved, everyday you stay with her, you are preventing her from finding real happiness and real love with someone who could love her and be her soulmate.

 

Alternatively, you could be honest and tell her the truth. Once you've told her you've been sleeping with the ex for 4 years behind her back, that ought to determine whether this wedding will be going ahead!

 

No offence, but i think this marriage is doomed before its even begun.

 

Just out of interest, you discussed this with your parents, that must have took some balls, what advice did they offer?

[ImaFool]

but more importantly your current fiancee deserves to be LOVED for who she is by someone other than you.

 

That's absolutely true and it's the most unfair part of this. She's guilty of nothing more than loving me and has done nothing wrong.

 

And if you think in some weird way that a marriage tainted with an affair (because you know you will continue to have one) is going to hurt your fiancee LESS than backing out of the marriage now, you are severely delusional.

 

I don't know that I would continue to have an affair. I seriously doubt that I would. I'm not married yet.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[heloladies21]

We have no chemistry and our "special private time" is non-existent. I spend many nights coming up with excuses not to be intimate.

With this statement, it's a done deal. Unless you plan on cheating on her for the life of your marriage (which I am no one to judge you, that's your choice to make), you will live an unsatisfied life which will end in you divorcing her. Sex is a natural part of life, I'm not sure why anyone would want to give it up for any reason. This relationship is essentially over at this point.

 

As for the supermodel ex, you need an answer as to what changed her mind. Cause this sounds like just an emotional swing and you need some better guarantees over a long period of time before you're willing to open your heart and trust her again. But nothing wrong with exploring the situation as long as you guard your heart and realize that she broke it before and very much has the power to do it again.

[RayKay]

First off, you would NOT be doing your fiancee any favours by marrying her.

 

Sure, it will be hard to notify 325 people, and deal with the huge amounts of money...however have you seen the price of divorce these days?

 

Seriously, marrying her would be incredibly cruel to her, and she does not even know it yet. At this point she has no choice, as she does not even know, but it would be INCREDIBLY unfair to her to marry her when you are not in it 100%, and when even now you are being unfaithful. How is marriage going to suddenly change your respect for her? Answer is it won't.

 

Maybe you aren't compatible, or maybe you were but you really messed it up by cheating and polluting your mind over and over, and not trying to work on it...I don't know. But either way, the damage is done at this point and marrying her would be a cruel choice in my opinion. She deserves someone whom loves her and is committed to her and the marriage 100% even BEFORE they get married!

 

It would be all built on lie after lie.

 

As for this ex fiancee, well not sure what you want with her other than the sex, from how even YOU described things with her that is all you have. If that is what you want and that is what SHE wants, well then there you go, break it off and go be with her. But don't be surprised if you wake up one day and wonder what the heck happened that you married a virtual "stranger" outside the bedroom.

 

I think you should marry neither of these women personally, until you figure out what your idea of marriage really is, and what you really want in a partner & a relationship, and what YOU have to offer.

[kermit]

Your a joke.

 

You owe it to her to get married, i'm assuming you proposed and i'm assuming you don't JUST like this women, your in love with her. I can't believe your being unfaithful ALREADY to your current fiancee. I don't want to see you with that women if she's going to end up hurt, my advice to you is to end the relationship with your EX or, if your going to let her stop your life everytime she has a "revelation" then put the marriage on hold.

 

Cheers~

 

Couldn't disagree more. You owe it to her NOT to get married. It would be a sham. And it sounds like he does just LIKE this woman.

[ImaFool]

I would not want to get married to someone who felt like this about me, my future husband should adore me, not feel as though he is marrying a friend!

 

I would not want to get married to someone who has already cheated on me before the wedding and has feelings for another woman!

 

Without a doubt. A definite example of what you don't know can hurt you.

 

How do you know she isnt just marrying you out of pressure? 50k you say has been spent on this wedding. She could feel trapped into marrying you

 

She has been the driving force behind the wedding plans. I wanted a long engagement but she blitzkrieged the arrangements.

 

 

I wouldn't get married if i had any doubts. And if you dont think your fiancee is the "one" stop this wedding now.

 

I'm not sure there is a such thing as the one. The woman I'm going to be married to in one month has more of the traits I'm looking for than any other woman I've met. She's just missing a few critical components.

 

If you marry her, can you see yourself ending things with barbiegirl, or is this going to be one of those 20 year affairs?!

 

Barbiegirl is a good description. I like that. After I'm married I wouldn't continue to see her. She certainly wouldn't continue to see me. I'm also not one to seek out casual relationships.

 

 

No offence, but i think this marriage is doomed before its even begun.

 

No offense taken. I'm afraid you're right.

 

Just out of interest, you discussed this with your parents, that must have took some balls, what advice did they offer?

 

They offered some very good advice, much of which has been repeated here. They suggested I call off the wedding to give myself time to sort things out. That isn't really an option. If I call things off at this point my bride-to-be will not be around to make a second go at it.

[kellbell]

"Yes, but certainly in a different way than I love my ex-fiancee. It feels more like I'm marrying a friend."

 

This is what I mean about chemistry and attraction. It is what separates romantic partners from our friends. I don't want to get ahead of myself by saying this but I have seen countless posts on here partners "straying" on their significant other because of this. Because there was something "missing". because the attraction is not there, because the passion is gone... You get the picture. Do you want to end up cheating on her and hurting even more than you are now. Because if I were your fiance and I knew this how you felt, I would not want to marry you. In fact, I would be absolutely humilated. You are doing a huge dis-service to her.

 

I question your ex-fiance's motives. Her timing is "impeccable." Aren't you the least suspicious, don't let that hot body cloud your judegment here. Marriage is so much more than wild sex. You know that.

 

If anything, I really feel bad for your current fiance. I really do.

[kermit]

If I call things off at this point my bride-to-be will not be around to make a second go at it.

 

Sounds like another nail in the coffin. Marry me now, or else?

 

I think if you go ahead with this you'll be doing Barbiegirl on the side in six months.

[xprincessbugx]

I think you should do your current fiancee a favor and let her go now then divorce her later. Poor poor girl! I think she deserves better from reading your story. After 4 years of being together you decide you want your ex then more power to you. What goes around ALWAYS comes back around. You're gonna give up what sounds like a mature woman for some blonde that you like to have sex with. Pathetic but hey it's your life. Do what you want!

[Siriana]

Well first about good looking sex bomb - you mentioned sex as the only thing you're compatible in.

 

The most important part of your post about that good looking woman was the fact you said you can't communicate with her - she's just looking at you.

A marriage is commitment in the longer run, it's not 40 minutes of pleasure. So it necessary to be able to share your toughts with other person. So many boring but important decisions to be made - about rasing children, how many children you plan to have, your views on finances, how to get along with both familes, how to solve conflicts.... so many things you need to agree on.

And of course with time you and your partner aren't getting any younger. So that means that the physical beauty is not forever.

 

So as you already guessed I really don't think that this woman who you have good sex with is a good marriage material for you.

 

 

Now your wife - you two get along just fine intelectually. By the way you described your relationship it looks like you could make all the difficult decisions together. she seems like a person who stays by your side and who is capable of supporting you. In the longer run that is very important.

But sexual attraction is low - sex is not so interesting with her.

 

 

So now your decision is based on the fact how much is sexuall atraction important to you?

You can:

1. get married while continuing with affair (I think this is wrong, but not so rare, and that this is the weekest thing to do.)

2. leave your fiance and start having sex with this beautiful woman

3. get married to your fiance and never contact sex bomb again

4. drop the wedding and the hot lady.

5. beeing honest with your fiance and see where it goes from there

 

 

Well whatever you choose to do, it would be great to be fair toward your fiance - to think how a marriage without love, with cheating and lying is something she doesn't deserve. To me it looks like you aprreciate her a lot but you were so weak over a beautifull body - so do something right for her, leave yourself out of equation and try to choose what is in her best interest (not what would hurt her less, but what is the best thing for her in the long run), than do that just as a sign of respect toward her.

[ImaFool]

I question your ex-fiance's motives. Her timing is "impeccable." Aren't you the least suspicious, don't let that hot body cloud your judegment here.

 

There is another part of the story I omitted to make the plot line less convoluted and me look like less of an * * * * (too late). I didnt' think it would impact the overall facts so I didn't include it.

 

The ex-fiancee found out I was getting married. She became upset and we didn't speak for a few months. She eventually called looking for an explanation. I explained that I had doubts about going through with my marriage to my current fiancee and that my relationship with the ex-fiancee was because I was still in love with her. She expressed her feelings about believing we were meant to be together. She wanted me to cancel the wedding and run off into the sunset with her.

 

bring out the torches and pitchforks

:splat: