Jlizzy

The grass is always greener on the other side. I reckon you should let your current fiancee go..and I don't say it for consideration for you....she deserves better than your current actions!! As for the ex...well go for it then..sounds like you're dying for hot nookie and a hot body but wait til it wears off soon enough and you wind up realising what you lost.... You really need to take a step back mate and take a look at things...do the right albeit hard thing and put the marriage on hold!

THanks Shawdows light for a post I found incredibly helpful!

Bf for about 8-9 months has a steady pattern of being home by around 5pm and his work is all done and dusted for the day..in fact often he goes to work very late or claims to his boss he's working from home. Then suddenly he finds the confidential file his boss keeps on him which has some negative commentary about him including reasons why he won't make a good manager which is what he's aiming for... Suddenly for the last 1-2 mths he's on time for work sometimes even early (understandably) but also at at time when you're trying to put some energy and focus into the relationship sometimes he's working late til about 8pm from work and if it's not from work well then he's working evenings at home... You comment about how they're working him hard and he says well just has busy times sometimes.. You ask f it's related to his bosses comments and the answer is no.. Bear in mind your relationship has been marred by issues around your bf getting involved in drugs particularly a recently spate of 4 weekends in a row of cocaine and ecstasy, another issue is the lack of sex, affection and communication in the relationship that your bf doesn't see..he smokes grass daily...that amongst many many other things little and not so little... I guess my questions are: 1- Should I be concerned now that this work thing is yet another cause for concern to the relationship? Especially considering for example yesterday he made time for 2 friends and then when I tried to get affectionate with him suddnely he was full of excuses about having to work and then suddenly that was it he was tired and went to bed. 2-GUYS especially can you help me at all figure out how to read me bf???? He seems very disinterested in sex, affection, talking, sharing time yet when push comes to shove is full of talk about how nice the relationship is, how much he wants me, etc etc...

Confused and ticked off now. Am doing some sales training which required me to do a sort of personal profile questtionaire of myself and to get at least one other person to fill it in. Some people at work were too busy and some didn't want to I guess -my manager came back saying he doesn't know me well enough..I guess some people feel awkward about this... The boyfriend kindly agreed to fill it in but afterwards asked me to not look at the answers...ie only to look at the average outcome... I tried to tell him that obviously it would be mean if i gave him grief for an answer I didn't like but that I would find his opinions very interesting..in my view our communication is not very open at all and I would love him to open up to me more..this includes how he views me..I'd be wanting to take his responses and just see if there's some way i can benefit from it but he made me promise not to look at the answers and threatened to take the questionaire back off me when I tried to clarify my pt of view! In the end when i calmly tried to tell him that I understand and respect his opinion but how I'd find it intersting he stood up really angry and was basically yelling at me! What do you guys think? Overreaction?

Sarah doesn't know how much time her boyfriend spends with this girl. They work together. And when she finally met this girl (after never hearing anything other about her than how this girl made him realise his ex wasn't good for him) he in his drugged up state (on Ectasy) spent a large portion of the night going on about how great this woman is, what a great friend she is, what great chums they are, how often they go smoking and so on and on. When this girl managed to convince Sarah and her boyfriend to go back with herself and her boyfriend because she'd always wanted to meet sarah, and how great and so on and on (and didn't want any of her other friends to come back), Sarah's boyfriend then invited them over the next day for dinner (without asking Sarah), starting talking about how they should join Sarah and her bf in Salsa classes (something Sarah and her bf had agreed they should do together to spice up/ make the relationship better), how they should all go fishing together, how they should all take a weekend away together. Then a week later mentions to Sarah how they should all go horseriding together (when she got pissed off with him for not coming home til 10am the next morning after a night out and not filling her in properly on this)..some lame excuse about how he knows Sarah doesn't like his friend who does drugs (Sarah actually just dissapproves of her boyfriend not being able to say no to drugs when he goes out with this friend) and how he thought it would be great for sarah if they can spend time doing coupley things with another couple.... She has tried talking to him about many things but he's not a very open talker unless he's had alchohol or drugs and when she tries to express her concerns to him he tells her he feels like he's being criticised and scolded and tells her it's her communication style. What to do??

If Sarah's boyfriend 1-has twice said/claimed to want to do the websearch for her when she asks to do a quick search on his computer and then when she insisted she wanted to search herself, has hovered behind her "acting" like he just wants to be with her but then afterwards walks away and 2-recently introduced her to Casey whom he about a year ago claimed (to Sarah) made him realise his ex was not for him simply coz one day he had to give her a lift on a group outing and he got to discover she's such a good looking and lovely girl but had a boyfriend so nothing happened...and in the past year has mentioned nothing else about Casey, then suddenly upon introduction Casey on a night out when Sarah decides to join her boyfriend, Sarah finds out how they work together, go for regular smokes together and in his drugged state that night he spends a LOT of TIME talking about what a great friend and girl Casey is, how he's going to promote her at work, how she's such a great buddy and so on... What would you think?

Thanks for the responses!!! Relationship couch -very good advice. So what's the story are you actually a counsellor/psychologist or? You're right that the talks don't seem to really have helped. Though I AM currently seeing SOME differences and effort so I am really hoping somehow miracuously I've gotten through to him but I really fear at the end of the day, what I described is what I can expect as the longterm standard! Lately now he seems to be also taking to enjoying winding me up and then getting miffed with me after half an hour of him widning me up and me saying ha you;re so funny I eventually say: honey I'm not finding this funny anymore. RC-I questioned myself with my ex husband and am currently trying to figure out 1-if I question myself too much/ doubt myself too much I think answer is yes and followed from this -why?? I don't know...Seems I'm doing same with the bf. I wonder rather than taking the calm rational approach should I just for once flip at him? Seems sometimes actually getting angry to the pt where the person knows oh oh this is bad/thisn has upset them does more wonders than taking the psychological, logical, calm, nicey nicey approach? RC-Great pt you got it nail on the head-no I would never kick him to the curb for not doing dishes..in fact I would much rather see a dirty sink if it meant he would come to me/spend more time/give more focus to me... Annie: Great pts too! I don't think I would describe his behaviour as pressurising me for 3somes however ur comment did make me think and yes I feel (hurt that) he seems to be more turned on by the thought of 3somes and possibly other real women than by me and btw though I say so myself-I'm not overweight or ugly -I get a fair few compliments on my looks... We;ve agreed we need to make more time for each other and get out more..I find he seems to be a fan of the blame game and so he tried to pt the finger at me that I don't suggest things etc..he does have a pt tho at the same time so when he's back form business I plan to make a pt to do so! Guys how do I find a good balance between communication-talking to him but not having too many talks to the pt where he feels criticised? There's no doubt that whilst communication is highly important...having too many issues can be a killer too. I don't want to do that to him.. Momene -lovely to have someone who understands! My mum for some reason doesnt seem to get it..though I havent fully explained..as I dont want to give the full nitty gritty details such as I'd like more intimacy...The bf himself doesnt seem to see the issue at all!And yes how right you are-exlusion is the word...I like you feel excluded

I'm really sorry to say this but I think you are being a bit of a hypocrite to admit to having fantasies about 2 women yet somehow it's not ok for your girlfriend to have fantasies about 2 men??? Come on!

Thanks RC for great advice however we have already talked about this on a number of occasions. It's hard to tell in recent weeks due to christmas and stuff but he seems to be making SOME effort..but how much has yet to be seen and I feel indeed he is getting more and more selfish. He also loves to point out to me all the things he does for me. I can't remember really the things I do for him, I think primarily because I'm not making up a list? Also if hes the one who takes most pride in a clean kitchen (ie everything must be cleared away immediately) is it a valid argument on his part that he cleans the dishes for me without ever complaining about it? I think he does it more for himself than anything.. Hard to see the woods for the trees..it's very subtle and i'm confused about the possibilities that I am being too critical or not giving him a chance etc?

Oh I can soooo relate to you!! I myself am going through the same thing with my bf!! He generally doesn't seem to want sex regardless the sublest or directest of hints! I have a high sexdrive so I find this difficult to take. Luckily for you, from what you've said the sex thing is the ONLY thing you guys are dealing with.. I wish you luck!

Why is it that guys are studs and girls sl**s for sleeping around? 6 certain lays in 2.5=how much per year? Even take say 12..6 per year. 1 every 2 months. When i left my ex husband of 4 years I was with 4 guys in one year and I was worrying my head over it... We all have the right to live our lives and to have our pasts and not have it held against us..ok if she was a convicted murderer or something different story but come on! My bf revealed to me early on how he's slept with over 70 women in total..considering the amount of long term relationships he's had this means he was really sleeping around in his twenties..10 months on I'm still with him... Give your gal a break...accept her for who and what she is as you know her!

He's not being fair to you and is playing games with you!

Been battling with this for months and still haven't made a decision. I'm unsure about my relationship with my boyfriend of 9 months. *For MONTHS I've had issues with him spending most of the week not coming to bed but being in the sitting room til 5/6 am watching tv, playing playstation and falling asleep on couch. I have to leave at 7ish for work. He ideally at about 8/8.30 but often goes late or says he's working from home. Hard to tell of late due to christmas and he's been away here and there to visit family and for business. But when he started work again after xmas he was into bed around 2am...Bit soon to know if it will stay this way. *We still have a routine of him watching tv when I or we get home...we just sit there like couch potatoes. He rightly pointed out that I don't make many suggestions for other things either. I need to make a point to do so. *He's strong in his belief that I was wrong to be offended when he ate over half of a little kind of a cake before I got home, that I love and stated beforehand I love, that my mum brought back from Spain for us. I said nothing but eventually he kept winding me up for at least half an hour on it until finally I got annoyed. He has since wound me up about it and my pleas for him to stop coz I'm not fnding it funny anymore don't seem to deter him..then he acts all surprised and miffed when finally half an hour later I lose my cool! This winding up thing seems to be a growing trend which I don't like as my father put me through this a lot in my childhood. *He's miffed with me for "begruding him" that extra 10% of a tiny spanish cake yet has hidden a bag of liqourice (dutch treat I love) all for himself claiming it's his and he has the right to have his own bag. I know this stuff is really stupid and trivial but to me it's the principle behind it and it's such little things that are beginning to really get up my nose. He's now trying to tease e and is sometimes serious as regards to me driving (he's teaching me) if I ask if I can drive us home from xyz he'll often say no. Sometimes it's a joke, sometimes it's coz I take longer to drive than he. Surely me driving home is better than asking him to give me a 1-2 hour lesson with no purpose or place to go to? *When we argue he's prone to throwing verbal rocks and giving me the silent treatment. Finally he'll turn around and say sorry yadda yadda and talk to me. *The majority of times my advances for sex no matter how subtle or obvious are rejected. I find this hurtfull as I assosciate sexual desire from a man with his general desire. What makes it more hurtful is a- my bf has expressed enthuasiasm (jokingly) more times to the idea of 2 girls together than he ever has towards me in whatever way.. PLus I heavily get the impression when we're out that he has a wandering eye for pretty girls...hard to know for sure as his eyes wander LOTS anyway and he does not hold much eye contact which is another thing that annoys me greatly. I find him disinterested in general. Eg the other day I came home trying to tell him abou my new job..I was excited about it...he made some remark like that's good and at the saem time walked out of the room. Why am i still in the relationship?: I love him. He's generous -he takes me out for driving lessons, he buys me things, he pays for meals, he has paid a lot of money on occasions (it's not the amount that matters to me but the point that he can definatley be generous) He has a good sense of humour -when he comes out. Normally i only see his humour and talkative side come out when we're out with people. This is another thing that saddens me. The lack of that which I oh so love about him. He claims he doesn't see the problem and thinks I'm being too critical and that I'm in coocoo land... Please any advice is welcome

Btw obviously not only do you need to look at yourself, which is great that you're doing so to such a deep level, but obviously you also need to assess if there is actually something subconsciously in the relationship or with your hubby which is triggering this in you. Not in a blame way but to asses what is happening and then calmly and rationally for you guys to put your heads together and figure out how to get past it.No blame games. From what you say yourself it would be worth looking into how your past marriage is affecting your image of marriage today. Perhaps your nervous about another failed marriage? Perhaps you have some kind of resentment to be tied down? ONly you can know!

Heya... Fair play to you that you recognise the things you are doing. Regardless, it is never fair in my opinion to continue the silent treatment and being angry if your partner apologises. In fact silent treatment in my opinion is a big no no anyway... From what you've said it sounds like it suddenly changed with marriage. You seem to recognise much of what is going on before you've even sought advice. Judging by what you've told us it seems like, and to me appears you know this yourself, that really the main issues are coming from within yourself. I know it's crappy to do counselling so soon into marriage (I ended up in the exact same boat!) but a-counselling is nothing to be ashamed of b-it does NOT mean your marriage is failing c-you obviously have some deeprooted issues that need resolving and hopefully a counsellor could assist you in figuring this out d-is it not bettter to go to a counsellor even if 3 months into the marriage than to not go out of some sense of the marriage is doomed and this is shame and then for it to fail? Surely anything to help your marriage is worth a try? I believe in counselling. I'm with my current bf 10 months and already some time back I started to consider counselling due to some issues I think keep arising for me with each relationship -including that to my ex husband. Give it a try!

Hmm well we had a bit talk about it last night and have agreed to take about an hour each evening out for each other for conversations, cuddling, sex whatever intimiate plus at least once a week doing something fun together... What I didn't like is that he told me I come home and sit on the couch beside him.that I should suggest something...he has a point and it's my odd way of trying not to be rude or bossy however he does seem inclined at times to assign the blame to me on issues which is what i felt he was doing on this point. iIe as opposed to accepting 50% of the blame and making the point that I play a role too which is fair enough... Raykay -I agree that any siggestion to lock up or take away the tv or ps2 is controllinga nd domineering and not something I want to do. He has to be adult enough to make this decision for himself.

Well I tend to be more active than my bf. Have mentioned a couple of museums to him and he tells me he has no interest in them. Why would he when he can look the stuff up on the net is his argument. I play soccer every tuesday night and I would go out at least once a week with friends for coffee or whatever. I used to be far more active but felt I needed to calm down a bit..ironically I slowed my pace a lot upon the request of my bf that he never had time with me and wanted more time together with me. This was back about 4 months ago. Now I'm looking to ramp up my own life more as I can feel myself sinking at the moment so I need to do something!

Hmm ok fair point..I'll go off and get myself some satin pyjamas..my best excuses anyway will be that the bed's friggin cold without him!!

Btw surely moaning and stuff about the playstation for example is only going to give rise to major arguments and me being accused of nagging and being a controller?

Putting the playstation in here is a suggestion I heard from someone else which is something to consider..not sure how the bf woudl feel about that. Can't get the tv hooked up though. As for playstation in teh ebdroom..then I worry I wouldn't get a proper nights sleep..it's a good suggestion but not ideal really. Beec I see your point. Just not sure what way to go about this. I have said to him a number of times to let me know what he likes or if there's something that would help our sex life to say it. I went down on him the other day (something neither of us had done for ages and he still hasn't) jsut to change the routine but that hasn't changed his habits.. I ask him during or after sex sometimes what he likes or if he liked something and his response is he likes everything. It's very hard to get something out of him that he particularly likes. As for lingerie he's told me even of an ex and they tried clothing..and for him it did nothing...he likes nakedness. I'm a very affectionate person and I've tried for exmaple cuddling up to him and kissing him..and even a bit less nicey nicey/more horny/forceful but have been lightly pushed away and told he has a headache..It's very difficult to feel motivated with stuff like this. Add on top of that that I'm not exactly super confident about instigating stuff and certainly not greatly confident about prancing around in front of anyone in lingerie..have however somewhat jokingly done a sexy stripping off of the clothes when going to bed... I don't know..I really don't...

Some good advice here. Vegan: Yes we moved in together about 2 months ago. I would think the same. Often I feel like I am in a relationship of 10 years! Beec good advice however I resent having to play games in order to have a good relationship. For example I have indeed noticed that when i start backing off/ pulling away then he pulls closer..to me this is games. One silly example..I had an issue with him, before I moved in, easily taking 10 hours to text me. But then if I don't text he can already be making comments about it after 2 hours! Vegan: I think I'm holding on very much to the fantastic, amazing relationship we had in the first 2 months where we could talk for hours and were really affectionate..this seems to have died out dramatically! I still love him though of course. When he does talk (which is usually just if we're out) he's really really interesting. I love hearing him talk. He's got a great sense of humour. He's assertive which I like in a man though maybe I should reconsider in future relationships (if that's what happens as I dont see a whole lot of hope for this relationship). Beec he's not seeing a whole lot of me naked if he doesn't even come to bed! And apparently that's his turn on more than eg lingerie... I have quite a high sex drive but do find it a bit difficult at times to take the iniative however it does not take me a whole lot of encouragement..

Wow Parky thanks for that. Yes I'm hurting. Hurting coz I'm idiot enough to let myself get hurt everytime in relationships. And hurting because only 2 weeks ago my bf went into a big psycholoigcal analysis with myself and my bro of our family and told my bro also "if I'm not treating her the way she deservers then please tell me, I give you my permission" together with "David (my ex) was an idiot to let her go"...and my bf I feel is slowly but surely metaphorically letting go off my hand as I move further and further away It seems at the moment he seesm more focussed on all the things he does for me like lifts (I can't drive just yet but am learning at the moment) and choirs around the house..but doesn't seem to see my emotional needs despite me trying to discuss it with him. And yes I AM beginning to cry at my frustrations I love him but it's hurting now to hear "I'll be in a minute" and for example this am 8.30 he strolls in and then had to rush off without a kiss or barely a goodbye... Thanks for your response I made a point on a differnent forum..I think perhaps the fact that he smokes pot daily obviously doesn;t help matters but if he doesn't smoke he's grumpy.

Getting highly frustrated now. There's a couple of frustrations in the relationship which we discussed Monday eve which lead me to not feel very special emotionally. He does a lot for me but emotionally on an intimate level I want more -more conversation, in bed, cuddles and so on. Anyway one big point for me is that my bf falls asleep regularly on the couch or stays up til 6am playing games or watching tv. I'd say it happens on average at least 4 nights a week, easily 5 where I'll finally crawl into bed at 2am (which is actually too lete for me,yep after falling asleep on couch DOh!, and he doesn't get to bed til 6 or 6.30 basically when I'm getting up/getting ready to go to work! I made the point that sleeping on the couch can't be good for his back (which is already hurting him) which he tried to counter with he doesn't fall asleep on couch and it doesn't hurt his back (he does fall asleep on couch regularly -he sometimes comes back with lame defenses). 2-His manager mentioned prospects of promotions together with that he needs to inform her if he's going to be working from home. He's supposed to start work at 9am but often sleeps it out and will then tell his boss he's working from home. I can't imagine this is having a positive effect on his job! We're only 7.5 months together. A friend made a point "what could be more exciting than going to bed with you" Well apparently tv and playstation are on a regular basis! Any advice? We had a bit of an argument about this on monday night upon which he told me he'd try. Last night as per usual I went to bed around 2am. He told me "I'm just watching the end of this and then I'll be in". I told him "I'm not saying anything" (Ie I'll believe it when I see it/I don't believe these kind of words anymore coz he's said so many times "I'll be in soon" and isn't"). Sure enough...6am he comes into bed and so now he'll no doubt either go to work late or work from home... Please any advice..I'd be very grateful!

Yvette-good pt re communication..that's where I fall down. Sometimes I keep my mouth shut for fear of upsetting the balance but inevtiabley things build up which is not good. Problem being we both emphasized the importance of communication and coming out with it at the time rather than waiting esp for me as I'm prone to think it over for a week, 2 maybe 3...yet his standard reaction to any form of criticism is to get really defensive and even act chidlish in my opinion...even though he thinks nothing of coming out with blunt, harsh criticisms himself at times... What is this about people who cannot handle criticism themselves yet never fail to dish it out themselves? Blender: thanks for the wise words. I don't think I'm too needy. Granted we all have our moments and I myself can sometimes lapse a bit..but I always try to do a self check... Overall I'm a very thoughtful, considerate and self critical person. I think I'm well balanced. If anything my behaviour would be more unfair to myself than to others... Your point about personal power is very interesting. I was in a very controlling relationship before and with my current bf have had some troubling months within my own mind due to recognising some red flags/ signs I saw with my ex. I seem to have a habit of faling for domineering men..and so yes my bf definitely displays mild control issues here and there...even silly things like with the tv...Very small issue..but I sometimes wonder... I really don't think he's finding himself so connected that he's pulling away...very interesting point..but personally I don't see that we are that connected that much...for him being a quiet lad...maybe it is..who knows..but it was he who wanted me to move in with him... I look forward to some more tips and suggestions

Just wondering your thoughts on this. My bf and I had a lovely weekend together where he opened up to me "at last" (ie first time in a while) and just spoke his mind even about so called trivial things. I relish this. He can be relatively quiet so when he gets talking and telling me his thoughts I'm in 7th heaven! The honeymoon phase of our relationship was marked by talks that lasted hours upon hours..it was unreal...I knew the honeymoon phase would go but expected that we would be the kind of couple that could fairly regularly sit down and have a good auld natter....unfortunately for me I really am counting my lucky stars on the days this happens...I'm not 100% sure why the difference... Often I come home and it's a case of how was your day, blah blah and yours blah blah and then that's it we end up sitting on the couch watching tv for the rest of the night! Sometimes however it's worse..like now... I cried just a tiny bit on sunday after making love because it was the first time since the honeymoon phase (6 months back) that I felt SO connected to him after a lovely weekend with some really cool, interesting longer than normal conversations...to me the most important thing being that he spoke his mind on so many different things which really made me apreciate him to an unbelievably deep level. Monday til today I come home and yet again (ie this is not uncommon) I'm getting what I feel is the cold treatment. To me I can't se the difference between his behaviour now and if we've had an argument and he's ignoring me. However we haven't had an argument and supposedly he's just tired. So yet again (ie it's happened before) I can't barely get any conversation out of him and when I try to cuddle with him he keeps his arms folded over his chest..ie no attempt to show any affection back. I can understand we all have our bad and/our quiet days but this is the 3rd day and I've known this kind of crap to go on for a week or more and apparently from his pov there's nothing wrong? Any insight people? I don't want to nag too much either but it doesn't make me happy. For the guys I'm really curious your views on this...seems to be a bit of a man thing is it? Like going into the cave as John gray said?