Tired of Paying!!!!!

[CaliGirl77]

Okay - quick update since it has been awhile and alot has changed.....

 

New B/F - he's trustworthy, treats me great, we communicate well together, have so much fun together.........

 

But, there is one issue that is hurting me financially.........

 

I pay for everything! He asks me out 75% of the time, but never has money, or so he says. Always "leaves his wallet in his truck" type of thing.

 

I have been paying for dinners, movies, groceries (he always eats at my place), trips to Lake Tahoe too! I am going insane! This is the ONLY ISSUE we have. I have spoken to him about this and I even went so far as to ask if we can live together to split the cost of everything, but he said no.

 

So, because I can barely afford my rent and I am so behind in my bills, I am suffering. Is this normal for a guy to pull this crap? I feel like I am being duped! And he is non-chalant about it. He tells me not to worry, but I am barely making it! The kicker of the situation is he makes more than I do, but he does have a very expensive hobby (his love for guitars and music) which he has many of and they are not cheap!

 

The last thing that happened was last week. I really wanted to go see my parents (500 miles away) for Turkey Day. He really wanted to come with me, but I told him a week before the trip, I could not afford to pay for the hotel, gas, or food, because I am broke. He told me he would find a way to pay for everything. But he failed to comply with his promise, leaving me $400 short on my rent. I am borrowing money from my sister to help me!! This is crazy! I have never been treated this way and I feel used - - for money I don't have!

 

What do I do? I know some will say to get rid of him, but that is harder to do than said.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Oh gosh, I was/am in the same perdicament. I say "was" because I am no longer the guy and I say "am" being I am STILL in debt and will be for a VERY long time.

 

I would and still worry about my debts...constantly. When I was with him, he pulled the same stuff your boyfriend is, "awww, don't worry, we will figure something out...don't I always come through?...I will have some money for you...don't worry..."

 

Well, I worry...ALL THE TIME! I am thousands of dollars in debt due to my ex's nonchalant attitude and me being stupid and nieve.

 

Your boyfriend is a jiggalo. I would run very fast from a person whom does this. You have talked to him about it and even shed some light on your personal finanical issues (i.e. being $400 short on rent) and still has not stepped up to the plate nor offer to pay for anything. Please, I urge you to rethink this relationship. I know this is hard but it not worth becoming homeless and ruining your finanicial situation over a relationship like this.

 

Good luck and take care.

[irish girl]

Sorry did I read correctly... He treats you great??? I really dont think someone who earns as much money as their partner(man or woman) yet leaves them pay for everything to the extent that the person is behind on rent is treating someone well, that sounds real selfish and It seems like he is using you, if he cant afford it then why should you be left to pay for it all,

Not good, does he realise you are behind on rent and borrowing money to finance his trips etc? or have you not told him how bad it is?

[chigal28]

I think this sets a tone for your relationship that you're (understandably) uncomfortable with. If this is how it is when the two of you are still kind of in the "courtship" phase, why would it change later, when you're more comfortable and established?

 

As relationships grow, ideally they become partnerships...and in a partnership, each person looks out for the well-being of the other, and that includes financial. He knows you're having difficulties making rent--that should signal to him that it's time to step up to the plate and chip in--at least making it 50-50.

 

Have you asked him why he doesn't chip in for things? Does he know your financial situation?

[Dako]

I'm with Kellbell,

This guy's a user and you need to end this.

It's not even worth trying to solve, since he's unconcerned about you.

 

Moving in with him would be a nightmare. He needs to grow up.

[CaliGirl77]

I have told him how bad it is and is getting...........he said, "oh babe, it'll be okay. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have been able to see your parents."

 

I was so irritated when he said this to me. My parents would have understood why I could not make it.

 

The broken promises and no help from him...........I suppose I am naive for letting him do this to me. I feel so helpless right now and I thank my luck stars I can get help this time.

 

I told him last night, after he asked if we can get together, for him to help me out with dates and dinners and all he said was, "okay babe, but I am trying to save money too, I would help if I could"

 

 

[laboheme]

Everyone is right, this kind of problem can land you in a very bad financial situation (in fact, it has already with rent).

 

I suggest having another conversation with him where you lay it all out on the line -- "it all" being the fact that your relationship is really draining your finances and you're not sure if you can continue things at this rate.

 

Next step is to cut down on the dates and activities that you do together. If he's just in it for a free ride, this is when his true intentions will come out (i.e. he'll lose interest). But it could also make him realize that he needs to pull his own financial weight in the relationship...

 

If that fails to clarify things between you, have another conversation with him...one where you say farewell. Yes, love is more important the money, but there are boundaries, and you have to think about what would happen with you in the future if this guy leaves...

[kellbell]

I second Dako's sentiments about moving in with him. My word, that is when my debts spun out of control with my ex. He could not or would not pay for anything. His credit was in shambles so ALL of the ultilties, phone, cable, car insurance...EVERYTHING was in my name. We could not get a lease unless I signed on. And when we broke up, oh GOSH!!! What a flippin' mess!

 

My point is, it is very risky and dangerous to get involved with a person (man or woman) whom is not responsible financially nor willing to help in the costs. The relationship is definitely not equal in that sense. It will not only cost you money, it will cost your sense of security, your piece of mind, your sense of trust. Those costs are WAY TOO HIGH and very hard to fix.

 

I urge you to think carefully about all this. I truly believe your boyfriend is using you.

 

(((hugs)))

[chigal28]

Just my two (more) cents, but...how exactly can he claim any kind of assistance to you in the trip out to see your parents, when you ended up having to pay for everything? I think I would have looked at him like he was nuts!

 

And this argument about "I'm trying to save money, too" just doesn't wash. He can't pay for dinners, but he can buy expensive guitars? Relying on your partner to pay for everything is NOT considered a feasible way to save money. And you said he's making MORE money than you anyway...right? Where exactly does it go?

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with the other posters, leave before he sucks even MORE money out of you. My first ex was like that, always would not pay for things, constantly complained that he never had any money, and yet drove a nice car, bought nice clothes, etc (all paid for by his mother). On our first date, I ended up paying for the meal because he left his wallet at home. For the 13 years that I knew him, I practically paid for everything. The only BIG thing he ever paid for me, was my move out here, which was about $2000. I drowned every cent I had on him, took him on trips, etc. and all it did was drive me deeply into debt (which took me FOREVER to climb out of).

 

It is a neverending hole and he will NEVER step up to the plate. If you shut the spigot, he might step up to the plate, or else go find another faucet.

 

He's not worth it.

[Bethany]

This man is pushing his luck with you and guess what, it's paying off big time. he's even got "but I'm the good guy" answers ready when you question him about it. He's saving while your in debt and trying to survive.

 

You're too soft on him. Get tough. No money = no dates from now on as you can't afford to pay for his half. Having him pay his fair share isn't too much to ask, is it?

[jengh]

Oh man, that guy sounds like bad news. I've dated guys where I've paid for more than half of everything (I was pretty mad about having to do so since they made more money...and notice dated is in past tense) and it just gets exhausting after a while. I should've been saving up for school and living expenses, but I went away to school penniless.

 

The fact that he said you wouldn't have been able to see your parents if it weren't for him really makes me mad. Maybe he chipped in A LITTLE BIT (as he should, he should be paying for HALF), but if he'd been pulling his weight all along, or at least making a good effort, he would be able to say that more justified. But the fact that he's been relying on you for all of this time gives him absolutely no right whatsoever to act this immaturely.

 

Have a good, long talk with him and give him a week or so. If it's still the same deal, it's only going to hurt you more in the long run, both financially and emotionally (you constantly feeling like he's using you).

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this. People can be so immature and heartless at times.

[CaliGirl77]

I honestly don;t know what to say to him to make things better.

 

Should I waste my time trying to talk to him or just sit back, cut him off (money) and watch what happens next?

 

I think if I do try to give him the talk, he will push teh ball back in my court and put the blame on me or make me out to be an idiot.

 

I just wanted to spend time with him and I felt like I was the one "making it happen". I feel so stupid.

[renaissancewoman101]

I would talk to him one last time and tell him your position about things and that he has to step up to the plate. Then shut him off. He needs to learn that he cant depend on you, and you need to stand strong and not be manipulated by him. It isnt going to be easy and it will tear at you, but it will teach him that he needs to be responsible and be an adult. It will also show you if he is indeed a user, and if he is, the best thing to do is to kick him to the curb. Otherwise, he will just drain you dry and then drain you some more.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

You are not stupid. You like this guy and wanted to spend time with him. My word, your situation is so identical to my ex. The only way things were made to happen is if I paid. Such as concert and comedy show tickets, small trips, nice things in the apartment, and so forth.

 

I would have one last talk with him and see how things go. But I honestly do not think things are going to get better. I hope I am wrong.

[Batya33]

The bank of [your name] stops now. From now on here is the deal. If he wants to see you and wants to do an activity then he has to order the tickets, order the food and before you walk into a restaurant he has to show you that he has his wallet and his wallet has money in it. He should be treating you from now on for awhile since you have been treating him for a long time it sounds.

 

If he does not have money, he can come over and watch TV with you after dinner on a night when you otherwise would be home anyway. Offer him snacks, maybe a soft drink but that's it. If he wants to stay over and wants breakfast, sure, make him coffee, offer him cereal but keep it low low budget.

 

If he whines tell him that he can save his pennies to take you to a movie or dinner, etc just like you save your pennies.

 

If it were me he would have been long gone -he is a leech! - but if you want to give it one more shot that is what I would do.

[need2bme]

I know I paid for everything with my ex. In her defense, when I helped her get her place sold, she paid me back. While I was without the $$ though, it screwed up my life completely.

[caro33]

Choosing to spend his money on a hobby while you fall behind in rent is unforgiveable. Don't you think? Wouldn't this be clear to you if someone else posted this here? And to then react the way he did when you raised your concerns with him? Unforgiveable.

 

I believe that even if he changed his behaviour now because you gave an ultimatum, you have been sent a clear message that this guy does not have values that reflect what a Mr CaliGirl should have, full stop. He will revert back to a squeezer once he thinks things are safe again.

 

And that's the GOOD interpretation. The BAD interpretation is as others have suggested, and would seem entirely possible: you are being taken for a ride. It happens. The reason why these people get away with it is BECAUSE they are charming and the people with them never think it could happen to them.

 

Please try and cut this one loose if you can.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Oh no, no, no! this goes deeper than money. he is willing to use you to extend his own standard of living by letting you pay for all the 'fun', and he doesn't care whether this causes you hardship, even though he makes more money than you do?? he is not just cheap, he's also totally selfish.

 

this is a person who loves himself, not you, and is manipulating you to his own advantage. some people are just users, and he's one of them. the best way to smoke out a user is to start comparing what they say with what they actually do. the *real* agenda is what he does, not what he says he is gonna do. and he is even *lying* to you in order to keep getting trips, meals, goodies, etc. from you, saying he will pay or pay you back when he obviously is not interested in paying his own way, but *very* interesting in using your money for the benefit of himself.

 

who cares about his music etc. hobbies? his most obvious hobby is freeloading off of you...

 

big LOSER alert, really, i'd just get rid of him. if you choose the slower path and try to get him to assume financial responsibility for himself (i.e., tell him you won't subsidize him anymore, refuse to pay for everything, etc.), he will just go find another woman who will subsidize him... so save yourself that heartache and just kick him to the curb (and make him pay for his own taxi home)...

[rmpavlock]

It sounds like he's taking advantage of you being nice, and someone who takes advantage of that is not a great guy. You deserve to be treated!

[CaliGirl77]

UPDATE:

 

Here is an email he sent to me this morning

 

Hey Baby....I just got this message this morning for I haven't had achance to check my email here until now.....=) I'm perfectly aware of your situation and how your feelin' abouteverything.....Please do not feel bad or appoligize for anything. Ilove you very much and like I've always said, we are a team here...... I know we will do our best not to revisit the disagreement we wentthrough on the way home from Vegas. I don't ever want to handle ourproblems like that....You are an intellegent woman who knows how tofind a better way, I'm confident in that....My frustrations have onlyfell where I know I have the proper tools to make things better,because like I've always said, I've been in your shoes more than oncein my lifetime. But I've felt that pride is more responsible forwhat's goin' on financially right now....and that makes no sense tome...I will respect it, but I don't understand. It's obvioussomething has happened in the past to have you be the way you areabout not making me aware of your financial situations....and becauseof that, I feel things are the way they are now.....money is beinglost for preventable reasons. I feel grateful that I was raised with the qualities of financialplanning and the balance of finances through my Mom....she drilled meever since I got my first job at the age of 14 on how to balace myincome....It became a long running joke between us that it seemedthere for awhile that every conversation between her and I was myfinancial situation and what the next move was gonna be.....but itmade me who I am today in that fact and I was given the properdisipline to recover in the not so good money times.....and believeme, being a painter for as long as I was and working only 7-9 months ayear does that too ya!!!....I feel like you should use me for thiskind of stuff instead of being worried that I'm gonna lectureyou....it's not about the person being above the other....it's abouthelping eachother. Enough of that though.....I've always been the type to spend money onwhatever I want whenever I want no matter what....Generally, this isalways gonna include you....so don't ever feel like you need to "getme back" for things in the future.....just knowing you are with me andwe're having fun, that's all that matters.....When I ask "What's goin'on financially?" That's when you'll know I wanna do something butcan't do it alone....and that's where I'll need you to be completelyand totally up front with me about what's goin' on with yamoney-wise.....something I've felt that needs to be fixed and done inour relationship.... When you have it babe, I know you'll take care of me, just like I'lltake care of you.... Love, Me

 

What the heck???????

[jengh]

oh. my. god.

 

is he serious?

 

"don't ever feel like you need to "getme back" for things in the future.....just knowing you are with me andwe're having fun, that's all that matters"

 

yeah because he's OBVIOUSLY the one who's been paying for everything and supporting you (thick sarcasm)

 

how could anyone be this dense? seriously? good lord........

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Basically, what this email is saying is that this your fault that you have no money, you are not finanical savy and have no idea how to manage your money. Whereas he does, in his mind.

 

His email clearly shows he bears no responsiblity for your financial situation and that this is all your fault. He apparently does not get it.

 

I don't see this changing at all. So either you two become homebodies and do less entertaining by going out or find someone else to be with.

 

(((hugs)))

[cypress]

Sorry, I have to bump on here...all I can say is WOW. I can't believe he calls you "babe" in an e-mail and is lecturing you about money. It sure is good that you are dating such an educated financially savy fellow.

 

I have a friend who pays for a lot of stuff for her boyfriends. It is one way that she shows affection, she always has.

 

I think the other advice on here is great. STOP paying for stuff. You aren't his mom, don't check his wallet. If your broke and he wants to go out tell him you can't go cause you don't have any money. Leave your cards at home if he says he is going to pay. You should have stopped paying for everything months ago.

[caro33]

Oh dear. What BS. You are being taken for a ride, this guy is trying to work on your self-esteem to make you doubt yourself, and he thinks he has you all worked out.

 

Even if he wasn't trying to bleed you dry, the tone of this email alone is enough to damn him as a self-absorbed w***er.

 

But enough of my judgements, what do you take from this CaliGirl? Does this sound like the guy you'd want to share finances and your life with? Is he worthy of you?