Dating women 15+ years younger than me

[QuietWolf]

Sorry if this is somewhat long and disorganized post... I'm back in the dating world and am having a tough time meeting women close to my own age to date (I'm 43). I've tried the online sites like match and eharm but have found I don't really like online dating... I prefer to meet women more naturally through some common interests.

 

Anyway, I'm pretty active in local sports leagues (soccer) and a local climbing club, and in an indoor climbing gym. I've met a bunch of women this way but have not pursued dating any of them recently because they are all so much younger than I am... they average 25-30. I have the impression some of them would be up for dating, but they don't know how old I am. Most women tell me I look like I'm in my early 30s, I tend not to steer the conversation to age and it just never seems to come up. OK, I actually dated one of them last year, she was 30... and it was going well until she realized I was so much older than her.

 

I've become friends with a few more of these activity partners recently, or maybe more aquainted, and even tried to set one up with a friend of mine that is her same age... (he was too shy to ask her out). Well, now there is one in particular that I meet on a regular basis to climb with (3 times a week) and I'm tempted to flirt with her (she already told me she how every muscle in my legs are rock solid... not sure if she was flirting or not), but I hold back because I think I'd feel like some kind of old letch doing this... so I don't and I stay in the safe realm of being friends. She is 24. I can be on the shy/quiet side sometimes anyway, but feeling like a letch around somebody way too young doesn't help matters.

 

I'd like to date women closer to my age, but I'm just not meeting them anywhere. All of the older women that I've met, over 35 AND that I find attractive, seem to all be married or in relationships. The single ones that I find attractive are all (mostly) 30 or younger. I've thought of trying other ways to meet women, maybe closer to my own age like reading clubs or something... but honestly I'd rather go to the climbing gym than a reading club.

 

So I guess my question here is... in the US, in the middle to upper class, how large of an age difference is considered acceptable (in general) before the older person is considered a letch? I know that if two people really like eachother than a large age gap should be fine, but I'm talking more in terms of just general dating, while you are getting to know each other.

[shikashika]

i'm 29... and i would date a guy in his early forties... especially if he was fit and young looking like you say you are!

[Survictor]

I am not in the US but I would say 25 plus is a good age. At this age, they are unlikely to be so controlled by their parents. They have had some life experience. They are more likely to know whom they are interested in. They have their own dislikes and likes etc. What I mean is you are unlikely to be accused of being a cradle snatcher or taking advantage of a 25year old plus.

[itsallgrand]

I think it really is going to depend largely on the woman involved. Some flirting and getting to know the person may give you a sense of where she stands on the issue. Be open about your age from the get-go: it is nothing to hide! And this way you can save time with the ones who see it as a problem.

 

If it counts for anything, I am 27 and would not deem you a letch if you flirted with me. You're single, you're a nice guy right? (a letch is married guy or creep, to me, no matter the age) and you are looking for a consenting adult partner.

 

Good wishes, and good luck finding a nice lady (of whatever age).

 

Btw: you are finding plenty of single 25-30 yr olds? I keep getting told we are a rarity! ha.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Personally I don't see a problem with age gaps when the people involved are both adults. I don't think its fair to label someone because of their age, maturity and compatibility aren't necessarily age dependent. If you like someone and they like you, your birthday should be a day of celebration, not a point of contention.

 

BTW, I'm 25.

[Scout]

Hi, QW...

 

Are you asking us if you'd be a lech to make a move on one of these younger women? Or, are you asking us where you can meet women closer to your age that you find attractive?

 

Not sure which you're getting at.

 

So, rather than give suggestions, I'll just offer some feedback on what you did write.

 

First of all, I've heard numerous times and can see it in many instances on eNotalone and in the real world, that large age gaps do come with their challenges. Chiefly, that of significantly varying life experiences and maturity levels. Now, if physical attraction is more important to you, none of this might matter that much.

 

I've also heard you start to move into this problematic territory generally around a ten-year age gap. But I know of at least one age gap relationship on this site that doesn't seem to apply to at all.

 

My own boyfriend is eight years younger than I am, so I'm not anti-age gap relationships. But, I've never gone out with anyone where there was a bigger gap than that, either. And, I do sometimes question the motives of people - both men and women - who choose to be in very big age-gap relationships.

 

Finally, I'm wondering if you could meet a larger pool of women into physical fitness other than just the rockclimbing gym. To be honest, I am surprised you're not meeting more 40+ women into physical fitness in Portland. That's supposed to be a highly recreational area, just like Colorado where I live. I know many single older women who are really into the outdoors, and look pretty good, to boot! They also likewise complain about the lack of older men into physical fitness. I wonder why you all keep missing each other. Have you tried outdoors groups? More general stuff, like hiking and/or camping groups? Mountain biking? Rafting, kayaking?

[mgirl]

Well, coming from a family where marrying people 20 years younger is the norm, i personally do not have a problem with men dating women up to 15 years younger (i believe it is ethical). I think with a 15 year age gap, you aren't missing out on too many differences and what little differences you may have (if you have any), can be bridged. If you are over 15 years older, it may become a little difficult with generation gaps etc. and life experience, and you also have to wonder why some men chase women almost half their age... sick!

 

But, coming from your point of view, you sound very respectful of women and are aware of the 'problems' that may arise.

 

In my opinion, an age gap between men and women is good, because apparently, men take longer to mature, so by the time you are older, you are more compatible with a woman.

 

From what i can see around me, and from what i have read on these boards, it is not unusual for an 'older' man to hook up with a 'younger' woman. I put the words "older" and "younger" in paranthesis, because i believe that the sort of age gaps you are talking about are irrelevent.

 

In relation to your age and dating... perhaps you need to be more upfront about your age first? I have a friend who is 40, but looks in his mid-thirties. He is in great condition and he is proud of his age. He says, "why be ashamed of it?"! If you are proud of the condition you are in, you should use it to your advantage. I am guessing that a lot of women would find a secure and fit man attractive! Sometimes women actually like to know the guy is older. My sister was like that. She was 36.

[Survictor]

Yeah, it isn't the attractiveness that's the problem. I once dated a guy that was 12 years younger than myself and it was fun for a while. You can kid yourself they are mature but there are kind of little giveaways and you know you're on totally different paths in life. I remember him telling me that he'd... well I won't bore you... he played a trick on someone and I was like... errrm, why?

[QuietWolf]

Thanks for the replies so far, good advice. I don't try to hide my age, I just don't bring it up and the people I'm around don't tend to bring it up either. Perhaps I need some way of casually dropping it out there... not really sure how though so I'll try to work on it.

[QuietWolf]

If you are over 15 years older, it may become a little difficult with generation gaps etc. and life experience, and you also have to wonder why some men chase women almost half their age... sick!.

This is the attitude I'm afraid of. I don't want to be known as one of those guys that seems to chase women way too young for him. In honesty though, the last women I dated was only 3 years younger than me, so it isn't like I would ONLY date much younger women... they just seem to be the ones I meet the most.

[QuietWolf]

Are you asking us if you'd be a lech to make a move on one of these younger women? Or, are you asking us where you can meet women closer to your age that you find attractive?

 

Not sure which you're getting at.

Yeah, I know my post wasn't organized enough. I was mainly asking what age gap is Ok, and explaining that I've tried meeting older women but I seem to mainly meet younger ones... so I'm thinking of going with that since that is who I'm meeting.

 

Finally, I'm wondering if you could meet a larger pool of women into physical fitness other than just the rockclimbing gym. To be honest, I am surprised you're not meeting more 40+ women into physical fitness in Portland. That's supposed to be a highly recreational area, just like Colorado where I live. I know many single older women who are really into the outdoors, and look pretty good, to boot! They also likewise complain about the lack of older men into physical fitness. I wonder why you all keep missing each other. Have you tried outdoors groups? More general stuff, like hiking and/or camping groups? Mountain biking? Rafting, kayaking?

Yeah, I'm in a local mountain climbing club (I climbed 14 peaks this summer). Most of these climbs are all guys... the few women I've met on these climbs are either under 30, or in a relationship. You are right that there are many outdoors/fit people and that is who I'm trying to meet, but I'm not meeting any close to my age that are single or that I'm attracted to (maybe I'm too shallow or too into a young fit look...) I suppose it could be just a odds thing, if I keep trying odds are I'll meet more my age, just hasn't happened yet.

 

Anyway, thanks for the thoughts.

[Scout]

I'm not meeting any close to my age that are single or that I'm attracted to (maybe I'm too shallow or too into a young fit look...) I suppose it could be just a odds thing, if I keep trying odds are I'll meet more my age, just hasn't happened yet.

Anyway, thanks for the thoughts.

 

I agree, if you keep trying you will meet more people, and I sincerely applaud your efforts to date. That being said, if you suspect you are into a young fit look rather than just a fit look, that is certainly going to cloud your perceptions of older women, yes. However, I am not sure what you refer to in the differences between a young fit look and a fit look of a woman in her forties. A little less/more cellulite, less/more facial lines? Fashion choices? Hairstyles? What?

[QuietWolf]

However, I am not sure what you refer to in the differences between a young fit look and a fit look of a woman in her forties. A little less/more cellulite, less/more facial lines? Fashion choices? Hairstyles? What? Uh oh... I'm going to get into trouble here... I think I meant fit... and I tend to think of that as young and fit.

 

There can be a wide range of how somebody in their early 40s looks. Somebody can be fit (HWP), but if they smoked their entire lives or suntanned for years and thus look swarthy... you know? They just don't look young... they look worn out... like somebody that has lived in a bar for 20 years.

[mgirl]

This is the attitude I'm afraid of. I don't want to be known as one of those guys that seems to chase women way too young for him. In honesty though, the last women I dated was only 3 years younger than me, so it isn't like I would ONLY date much younger women... they just seem to be the ones I meet the most.

 

Well, i think there is a difference between somebody who is only meeting, or intermitedly attracted to a younger woman, and people that consistently chase younger women regardless of compatability.

 

In relation to mentioning your age... make out your 40s are the new 30s! And be proud of it. Attitudes influence behaviour and if you have a positive attitude towards yourself, other people will catch on.

 

Just say, "i'm 43" and then literally shrug it off. If the conversation goes on for longer, just say "40 is the new 30" and try to change the subject. Leave them with a positive impression.

 

Hope i have helped.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am definitely puzzled by the fact that you can't find a fit, attractive woman in her late thirties/early forties. There are tons of single women in that category, at least where I come from. The physical activities you go to tend to attract the younger women. I have never been attracted to older men and I remember when I was in my twenties and thirties, I would not be pleased when forty-somethings would hit on me. Just because a person looks young and acts young, their chronological age is their chronological age and biology will eventually win out (your internal organs definitely know their age and can eventually slow you down while your 15+ younger partner is raring to go). Just something to think about. Most women in their late thirties and forties complain that they can't find single men because they are all running after the twenty something year olds.

[Scout]

Somebody can be fit (HWP), but if they smoked their entire lives or suntanned for years and thus look swarthy... you know? They just don't look young... they look worn out... like somebody that has lived in a bar for 20 years.

 

Well, a lot of fit people are outdoors a lot, and the sun takes it toll as the years go by. The years are going to take their toll, anyway, eventually, on you, me, everyone. Including the young women you are interested in now.

 

I have to say, I'm inclined to think you're strongly attracted to younger women, regardless. And perhaps you are looking for validation for that. If the reason is mostly physically-based, I can't give you my own personal validation. Many of the younger women responding they have no problem with it might have a problem if the older man they got involved with was mostly with them because of their looks. Because then, it's not much about who they are inside, their character, their outlook, their personality, opinions, and so on.

 

Is it possible that you are insecure about growing older, yourself? You do mention you're hesitant to tell your age with these women. Sometimes, an insecurity about growing older can lead us to pursuing much younger people.

 

Bottom line, yeah, young people are often in the prime of their looks. But usually not their maturity, compassion, or wisdom. I guess it all depends on which have the higher premium to you.

[QuietWolf]

I have to say, I'm inclined to think you're strongly attracted to younger women, regardless. And perhaps you are looking for validation for that.

Hmm... I think I'm not being heard... or I'm not stating my case very well.

 

Scout: don't get too hung up on the suntan thing, it is just an example. I can't really define in this little web site box exaclty what I'm attracted to, but I have been attracted to many women my own age, but 90% of those are already in relationships.

 

Could be as one poster put it, climbing and soccer attract younger women... nothing I can do about that. I didn't get into these activities to meet women, I got into them because I enjoy them and they are one of the things I do to stay fit.

 

The last serious dating thing I had was with somebody that was 40. She was fit (rode her bike daily) but not into climbing at all and eventually that got to be an issue and we broke up (I was gone almost every weekend this summer on a climb). She was the last person I met online before I decided the online thing wasn't for me.

 

I'm attracted to a women in my yoga class that I'm pretty sure is close to my age... and she started smiling and talking to me, but then one day she started wearing a ring to class on her ring finger.

 

I have a good friend that is my age that I would date, but she is interested in my friend.

 

So, yes there are women my age out there that I'm attracted to, it just hasn't worked out and I have this large pool of women that I know now that just are much younger.

 

I suspect I need to find other interests if I want to meet women through interests... that just feels a bit contrived. I don't want to kayak in the hopes of meeting a women (I don't really like kayaking much anyway... yawn). Same thing with biking... lots of women bike around here... again I'd rather play soccer or climb.

 

Anyway, so yeah I'm open to women my age that are fit and attractive, and I've met some but either it didn't work out or they are already in relationships... hence I'm looking at this younger group.

[Scout]

Hmm... I think I'm not being heard... not sure why some of you refuse to believe I'm not meeting many single women my age that I'm attracted to.

 

I'm sorry if I misunderstood that. It seemed you said in some of your other posts this was exactly the problem you were having, though.

 

Ok, so the last lady broke up with you because you went climbing most every weekend. Could she not have at least just accompanied you on a few of these excursions regardless if she climbed or not, and could you not have skipped climbing a few weekends? I'm wondering what happened to the compromise aspect here. Either both or one of you were unbending, it appears.

 

I have to say, I definitely have interests, and my boyfriend has hobbies in addition to being in a band, but because we enjoy each other's company, we make time for each other. Also, while it's essential to have basic compatibility with people, you make it sound like you can only date people who are hardcore into climbing. I wonder if that's not going to severely limit your pool of dating, and what if you do start dating only climbers and it doesn't work out with them? Then you're going to be seeing people on a regular basis that you previously dated, and as that number expands, it could become an awkward situation.

 

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, by the way. But I've contributed to one or two of your other threads, and the impression I get is that while you date quite a bit, and have had some past serious relationships, it's a challenge for you to find someone you want to stay with for good. I'm more interested in the bigger pictures, usually, then the specific issues. That's why I ask so many questions and raise different points.

[QuietWolf]

Ok, so the last lady broke up with you because you went climbing most every weekend. Could she not have at least just accompanied you on a few of these excursions regardless if she climbed or not, and could you not have skipped climbing a few weekends? I'm wondering what happened to the compromise aspect here. Either both or one of you were unbending, it appears.

There was more to it, but I'm not wanting this thread to drift into more than my original question... dating age gaps. The rest of the stuff was just explaining why I find myself around a lot of women much younger than me.

 

I'm not saying I'd only date a climber, I'm saying that while I'm climbing (and playing soccer) that seems to be whom I'm mainly meeting, and most of them are much younger than me... and thereforeeee, is it ok to date them. The rest of the stuff is just background stuff that, while important, could be in a thread in a forum that isn't about relationship age gaps.

[mgirl]

Hmm... I think I'm not being heard...

 

I suspect I need to find other interests if I want to meet women through interests... that just feels a bit contrived. I don't want to kayak in the hopes of meeting a women (I don't really like kayaking much anyway... yawn).

 

Hey, i'm hearing you. I hear you, loud and clear, so don't worry, you are being 'heard'.

 

And i understand about it feeling contrived to feign an interest just to meet people... i am in exactly the same boat!

 

One thing concerns me though, the fact that you said you met somebody compatible, aged 40, but the relationship failed because you were away 'climbing'... This makes me wonder, how commited are you to making a relationship work? Do you expect it just to happen on tap? Have you learned anything from that woman you broke up with due to being away climbing so often? It makes me wonder whether you have a gap in your life for somebody to fill? Or do you expect a relationship just to 'work'?!

 

Remember, you have to make a relationship 'work' (succeed)... it won't just happen on it's own. You don't necessarily have to meet somebody who is into rock climbing, you can each have your own interests... just remember, you have to be home to greet that person every now and then. Absense doesn't make the heart grow stronger, it tears people apart...

[QuietWolf]

One thing concerns me though, the fact that you said you met somebody compatible, aged 40, but the relationship failed because you were away 'climbing'... This makes me wonder, how commited are you to making a relationship work?

There was much more to it, I glossed over the details because the point I was trying to make was that I'm not limiting myself to only dating younger women. To me, I think it is rare for a dating relationship to turn into a serious LTR... you date for a few weeks or couple of months, and one person or the other or both decides it isn't really long term material... or both decided it would be a good LTR. So my approach isn't "hey you are single, I'm single, let's be in a relationship and make it work" it is more "you are attractive and intelligent, lets date"... if it goes somewhere cool, if not then such is life.

 

Anyway, climbing so much this summer was a fluke. I was in a course that had a set requirement of climbs which I needed to complete. Things have cooled down this fall already, and next year will be nothing like this year was.

[Scout]

QW, I feel I've neglected to say something in all my posts on this thread. I COMMEND you for having an active lifestyle! And I do hope you meet someone through all this that shares your vim and vigor, because that is important to you.

 

And also, that shares other things that are deeply important to you.

[Marco311]

I don't find age/gap relationships that big of a problem. I have dated women younger than me. I just have to weed out the ones who are only interested in my wealth. 15 years isn't a big deal. As long as it is legal.

[Juha]

QuietWolf, I am in the same situation as you...I am single going to be 40 in December and I am very active and in very good shape....I play sports all the time...I am told I look late 20's early 30"s...Everybody tells me I look great..

I do meet younger women but I am very reluctant to even attempt dating them as it seems at least to me they would be reluctant to date me because of my age....

 

Have seen it first hand. Talking with someone hitting it off and here it comes how old are you? I want to lie but I don't and when I tell them it seems like a switch goes off and they become less interested...

 

Woman my age, at least any of the ones I would be interested in are all taken...It seems the ones left all have so much baggage and children...I have dated many of them and while open to them are not very interested...

 

Really don't see things changing much as it seems I missed the boat... while I was enjoying life and having fun, everybody else was pairing up...

 

Truthfully though right now I am sick of dating and have taken a break...

[QuietWolf]

I do meet younger women but I am very reluctant to even attempt dating them as it seems at least to me they would be reluctant to date me because of my age....

Yep, this is similar to how I feel, but it is combined more with not wanting to earn a repuation as a guy that goes after younger women... so I like the advice some here have given... find a way to be more upfront about age so that nobody wastes their time flirting or whatever if age turns out to be a deal breaker for them.

 

Really don't see things changing much as it seems I missed the boat... while I was enjoying life and having fun, everybody else was pairing up...

Well, I was actually pairing up too... twice in fact... but I was too young and not ready in the first relationship, and the 2nd had some issues too complicated to explore in this thread.

 

So, realistically, I suppose it isn't just that I think some might think I'm too old for them, but that they also won't want to date a guy married twice. I've dated women in their mid 30s and older that are fine with it, but I've also talked to women friends that are younger that have this vision of a perfect white wedding... and dating a divorced guy doesn't fit that image.

 

I'm gradually getting over this feeling though. I've had enough women say it isn't a big deal (even younger ones) and that it makes me kinda like a movie star... It probably helps that I live in a liberal city.

 

Anyway, I'm hosting a Halloween party this weekend, and most of the single women that have RSVP'd are under 30, the only 1 that is older is a good friend of mine that is off limits (she has a thing for a friend of mine). Actually, of both genders coming, most of the single ones are under 30, and most of those over are paired up.