finding the one...at what age?

[locolady]

Hi all,

 

I was wondering (and i think im just looking for reassurance here!) what age people were when they met 'the one'? I guess theres a lot of broken people on this site but for the happily married/together/whatever amongst you, how old were you when you met.

 

I know that people will say im young at 22 but i've been having this thought lately and wonder what others might think of it. I feel really sad that i will never have a relationship from my teenage years anymore (a 4 year relationship ended last year and i am still really struggling to cope with it)

 

I feel that when i was young i was able to be in a relationship simply because it made me happy, he made me happy. I simply FELT. It grew into love, it was pure and honest and built on true feelings.

 

As you get older you inevitably begin to desire a partner, you build a list of ideal qualities, you develop expectations, certain characteristics etc. You go on good dates, bad dates....you give situations a try because, well you have to - it all seems to have an air of desperation about it...you want to have someone so eventually you settle for someone who ticks all the boxes rather than someone who makes you feel incredible.

 

I know that we cant all be lucky enough to meet our one at a young age but i just feel now that i will always have to settle for ok, settle for reliable, dependable, husband material....i am beginning now to want things in my future - i want a marriage, i want children, i want a stable home....i feel that i have to judge guys now on how they fit my criterion and never again will i have the luxury of simply feeling and just loving without agenda, without expectations. i really dont mean i want to get married yet and certainly dont want children for a good 5 years or so.....i guess i just always hoped i would share the great experiences i am having in these years with the man who went on to be that husband.

 

I guess i should feel lucky that i have experienced that depth of love, but the betrayal of my ex has shattered all my trust and with it taken away my belief. Will i have to settle now for second best? Its been a year since my ex cheated on me, i miss him more than i thought humanly possible, i still yearn for something i can never have....i wanted to be with him forever. Now i find myself appraising men so differently - i was 16 the last time i was single and suddenly i have this different agenda and i feel so pathetic...i am scared i will never love that way again...that i will have to make do with ok for the sake of the dream of marriage and children.

 

What do you think?

[DN]

I was 26 when I married.

 

My sister was 37.

[Dako]

For the record, I'm 53.

At your age I had a live-in gf who cheated on me. I hated women because of her. A few years later at 26, I met my ex wife and had a wonderful marriage that ended 25 years later. I suspect there's some future for me still.

 

Your age doesn't matter, and you need not settle for "reliable husband material" if you really prefer love and passion. I'd never dream of marrying for stability or reliability.

 

At 22 it'd be a crime to be disillusioned by heartbreak. You deserve the real thing.

[melrich]

I was 29. There are not that many people that would carry a teenage relationship for life. More the exception than the rule.

[Scotcha]

In your future you won't be making due.. You'll be making right.

[Blue Skittles]

i'm 23 and still alone with the cats Its fun though I don't regret it and the past 3 relationships i've been in have been short, and not so sweet. So I'm sticking around until someone decent comes around .

[hosswhispra]

I am 32 and I don't believe that there is necessarily "the one" for anyone. At your age, I embarrassingly now admit that I believed there was only one person for me and that fate/destiny/or whatever would intervene and bring us together....well...that sure did not get me anywhere. I actually ruminated over a guy that I met when I was 18 for a good 10 years...so much for magical thinking

 

Now, I think there are more than a handful of people in this world that you may be compatible with. The question (the one that is on my mind these days) is if there is enough time in this world to find each other.

 

I think it's completely normal to have a 'dip' in trust in the opposite sex when they do something that you never imagined them doing to you. However, it's how you process what they do to you---that determines how you behave in future relationships....and then it's how you behave (as well as the other person's behavior) that determines the 'success' of the relationship.

[shes2smart]

Personally, I don't believe in the concept of "THE ONE"...it causes people way too much misery and puts too much pressure on your interactions with the opposite sex.

 

I believe people come into and out of your life for a reason (which you may or may not get to know), and at any given time, there are a number of people you may be attracted to and compatible with.

 

That having been said, I met the guy I married when I was 37 and he was 26. We got married about 6 weeks after my 38th birthday.

 

When I met him I was 100% postive I'd be single for the rest of my life, was doing practical planning for that (i.e. retirement, will, preparing to buy a home, etc), and was at peace with that future. Then he showed up and all that got tossed into complete disarray....not that I'm complainin'

[sidehop]

I may be feeling the same way...after 28 years but I haven't exactly met her yet either so it doesn't count! LOL.

[shikashika]

I'm 29 and single... somtimes... well.. a LOT I get disillusioned that I'm ever going to meet someone I want to share my life with..

 

i USED to think there was THE one... but now I want to meet a Great, loving fantastic, caring ONE

[caro33]

I'm 33, getting married the day after tomorrow. Didn't see this guy coming at all, was becoming jaded after 4 years on my own, which in turn was after 10 years of being with the guy who I thought was the 'one' (but I was deluded).

 

I don't think there is a ONE but there are likely to be many, and even the many that are out there are likely to change in numbers and characteristics as we, and they, change as we get older.

 

I don't believe any more in any great magic to the bond that forms in a long-term partnership, I think it's a combination of:

 

1.) You're in the right frame of mind and place in life to meet them.

2.) They're in the right frame of mind and place in life to meet you.

3.) You know enough about yourself to know what you will and will not accept, as do they.

4.) The above from (3.) aligns between you both well enough - there are no 'dealbreakers' about value conflicts etc.

5.) Leading from (4.), you have similar goals and plans for the future.

6.) The chemistry is there - basic chemical signals match and complement one another (this is the 'magic' we experience but it's just neurotransmitters, not fate).

7.) Communication is good enough to get through most issues.

8.) A sense of realism - you have realistic expectations about yourself and them. You don't expect them to change to become truly acceptable to you.

 

That was meant to be a short list, but I kind of kept going, sorry. So the 'one' is the person you have the best match with on the above. You will have had close misses with several of the 'many' over time, perhaps you didn't meet them, perhaps one or several of the above just wasn't adequate.

 

But I reckon there are enough people out there for most of us that you should never give up.

[locolady]

thanks so much for all the replies....ive just logged on quickly before work, will come back later!

 

I realise ive confused the issue by writing 'the one' - i dont believe in fate or that there is only one person that we have to find! I am lucky that my parents have a fantastic marriage and i think i understand pretty well that you have to work at relationships - howver i guess their fairystory meeting aged 16, married at 21, children at 29, still amazingly happy at 55 has given me an ideal to which it is unlikely my life will live to.

 

I guess im still grieving for the dreams of the future that i had with my ex-boyfriend. i cant believe he threw away what we had because i honestly cant imagine having something so good again. i feel that my judgment must have been so wrong - i feel such a fool for loving someone and believing i was loved when in reality i meant absolutely nothing to him. i dont know how i could ever learn to trust again. why is it that he has simply forgotten me, erased all our memories?

- i did everything right and it still wasnt enough. Maybe i am just not worth loving, the best i could give will never be enough. that is why maybe i feel i will have to settle for someone who will be there for me, as a companion i suppose - because the only one i want, will never want me and he has wrecked it all anyway.

 

eeek getting late for work....

[Dako]

I think it's harder to cope with early heartbreak, since the promise of dreams are dashed. It leaves you with an opportunity to learn, and appreciate that realization that lighting does strike more than once, and it's every bit as good if not better. Love isn't like fairy tales, it's real.

Some think you can incubate it under controlled conditions, but I'm old-fashioned enough to consider it a gift of nature.

[hosswhispra]

Sometimes I actually think/believe that my chances for winning the lottery (the mega millions) has better odds to happen compared to #1-8 occurring

[skyjuice]

i did everything right and it still wasnt enough. Maybe i am just not worth loving, the best i could give will never be enough. that is why maybe i feel i will have to settle for someone who will be there for me, as a companion i suppose - because the only one i want, will never want me and he has wrecked it all anyway.

 

eeek getting late for work....

 

Hi

 

Everyone worth to be loved and everyone has flaw by itself.

 

No. Don't settle for someone who is readily available. I believe there won't be a passion and commitment there to make it last.

 

Think about it, when you have not get over you ex and you have settle for less and married this readily available guy for 20 years. Then your ex show up and shown interest in you again. Would you get a divorce to be with your ex who you have strong desire for?

 

Only married when you are 100% sure you want to spend the rest your life with this partner.

 

I had heard about a women went into an arranged marriage, because her dad is dying. Her dad would want her to tie the knot before his departure. She end up cheating on her husband while her husband is away for work.

[hosswhispra]

Only married when you are 100% sure you want to spend the rest your life with this partner.

 

I wish this were true for everyone.

 

But the only thing we can ever be 100% sure of is our own mortality. Sorry to be Debbie Downer.

[Smile_83]

Age doesn't matter... My sister was married to someone after an 8 year relationship, he cheated on her, abused her and about six months after the split (she was 24 at the time) she met a man she's been married to for almost 5 years, and they couldn't be happier together.

[Juha]

Hoss your probably right about that...

 

The way that I feel now I would rather hit the lottery now because the other is not going to happen anytime soon...

 

Finding 1-8 is near impossible...I have always had bad timing in one way or another so the lottery is not going to happen either, I guess....

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Frankly, we really couldn't tell the future except to live a day by day. And have faith that you will meet the love of your life.

 

Have you read the book "Luck Factor" by Richard Wiseman? It said that lucky people get lucky in whatever they do , including love life because they have positive perspective on life. They are more open and attract positive and healthy friends and potential lover.

 

So try to be positive and have faith in your love life. Smile more to everyone, may be it could increase your chances of getting a healthy love partner.

[muss]

For me, I think The One is a girl i've known since I was 17 (18 years ago) but have only recently had the courage to tell her how i feel. I've gone through two long-term relationships (including a marriage) and all the time i've thought "yes, I love my partner, but actually the only person I ever really wanted to be with was her". If things work out, it'll be the first time I life that that I can say 'I love you' without thinking of someone else at the same time. Twisted.

[sidehop]

First of all congratulations!!!

 

And I agree with so many ways that there really isn't the 'one' but rather the right person at the right time of one's life. I've had so many bad luck with women in the past and it's always the wrong time of their life.

 

 

[Ms. Babydoll]

I'm 13 and I think I've found the one, he always tells me how he's going to love me for life, I feel the same way.

[ghostfreak]

I know I've found 'the one' and I'm 22.

[Luke Skywalker]

My mother was 38 y/o when she meet my father, 6 years her junior.

 

While they are still happily married, the marriage wasn't ideal due to difference of values and religious beliefs as well as my dad's infidelity.

 

I know other people who had an idea of what they wanted and they ended up marrying that person. Although there is no 'perfect' person, they got what they wanted physically.

 

The solution they had was to simply pray and believe God for the right person, and thus found their soul-mate.

 

I have no comment on this myself since I am not married nor have anyone that I'm engaged to - but as a man, I suppose I can wait longer than a woman. Women often have to marry before their 38 y/o if they want children and to raise a family (I think past it's 30 y/o when age starts lowering their stock value), but a guy can go up to 50 or 60 years if they take care of their health (age doesn't lower stock value but in fact may increase it if it's tied to success in life).