relationships in workplace - do they work?

[Goldfish6888]

Hi

 

I just wanted to ask your advice on work relationships. I posted something online a while ago about my colleague who I really had fallen for.

 

He is single and I am single. We had recently spent a lot of time together, he kept asking me out to his new house (under the premise of inspecting the paintwork!!) and last night I finally went out on "a kind of date" to his house.

 

On the date, I had a few drinks and a nice meal. By the end of the night - I found myself being totally honest with him about having feelings for him. of course the few glasses of wine helped! His response was he works with me and if it didn't work out - it would be really awkward - so he'd prefer to not have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with me. He said it was nothing to do with the fact, he loves spending time with me and he finds me physically attractive! We ended up kissing and he kept saying he doesn't want anything more than friendship. What I can't understand is - his words mean one thing and his actions mean another?

 

This morning on the way into work ( I stayed in his spare room) he kept saying "tell me what I've missed out on last night". "What would you have done to me, if things had of progressed?"

 

But I kept saying "look, you've made it clear to me on the status of our relationship, we are nothing more than work colleagues, so why would I do that? Why would i tease myself and you with an answer? Its like saying there is the ice cream cone, look at it, it looks really tasty and delicious, but you are never going to take a bite out of it!"

 

He still held my hand and still wanted to hug me etc. I kind of gave him a hard time, as I said "you don't really know what you want". I was really honest with him, no game playing, nothing, and had a little cry last night, when he rejected me, (which I said this morning, I'm really embaressed about). For the first time, I was an adult about relationships and even said to him" I'm just being really honest"

 

but I just wonder, why did he ask me out? why want to spend time with me outside of work? why kiss me? When he quite clearly said he works with me and he doesn't want anything. He also asked me to stay in his house this Sunday. Why would I do that? Its pointless - as is our friendship now.

 

My heart is really low this morning. As another one bites the dust. Really low. Why do I pick the ones that cause the heartache? He wanted to hug me when we said goodbye - but I couldnt. Its like sticking the dagger in and twisting it around.....

 

Help as I feel lost and alone.

[dreynolds]

Hey there GoldFish -

 

First off - being a guy, and being completely blunt with you - him not wanting anything means he wants sex/fooling around/having some fun - but no relationship. At least that's how I see it.

 

I've met many women at the office over the years - everythign from "meet me in the washroom at 5:00" to "you're exactly the type of guy I've been looking for". Bottom line - everybody wants something different....and relationships aren't easy!

 

You have to ask yourself here "What do I want?". Do you want the fun, excitement, the casual romp in the hay and then will feel completely fine with the next week at work when he really doesn't seem to bother with you anymore? My guess is probably not!

 

Men do this to women - women do this to men....for some reason, it's the type of women who could not and would not do that...meets a guy who would....and OUCH!

 

Listen to that little voice inside - she's ontop of the game for you. It's a little voice we all have...and we hear all the time - but most times, we ignore or argue with it. Of course, if you're having actual conversations with that little voice then you probably have other issues to deal with - haha - Seriously though - you know what you want - and what you don't want. Office relationships can become ugly - unless you're the type, and he's the type - who can blow it off afterwards - and not care if you see him with Donna at the end of the hall next week...etc....you know what I mean.

 

hang in there....

[quietgrl]

I have the same question.I thinking about asking a male co-worker out to lunch but i'm afraid too because i don't want my private business out on the street.I'm torn should i ask this guyout.

[Goldfish6888]

I guess you are right. He's not ready for a relationship - just sex, and he says he respects me too much to have that with me. But Ive come to the conclusion that If he REALLY REALLY liked me - nothing would come between him wanting to be with me. Men move mountains if they feel strong enough about someone. So I guess I'm resigned to it being nothing more than a professional relationship. I feel so rejected and silly and stupid for being emotional.

 

He texted me this morning (he is out on the road) and he said you left your lock behind. I didn't want to appear annoyed with him so I texted a funny joke back and he called me on the phone - Telling me that that lock was on my jeans last night and he didn't know the combination. My heart is just low.

I'm really really emotional and empty. I really thought I was in love with him. Not just him as a person, but everything about him. And maybe I am. But I've got to put it behind me now and pretend Its all okay and I'm okay.

 

I just want to crawl into a hole and just die. I'm taking it badly as I've liked him for about 6 months now and there was a big build up to this - spending time together, talking, going for coffee after work, going for walks. We had spent a lot of time outside of work together. I can't understand - why thentell me he doesn't want a relationship with me purely because we work together.

 

I'm devastated as this is the second one to go bust this year for me. My self confidence can't take much more. I'm strong, but its so hard. So hard to continue being strong.

[Goldfish6888]

quietgrl

 

I would ask him out to lunch.. I believe life is too short. Most people meet their spouses through work or friends - its one of the best ways to meet people.

 

I'm just sorry my guy just doesn't like me enough. In other words, he's not that into me.

 

Good luck! You just never know where that lunch could end.

[Goldfish6888]

I'm just crying here at my desk. Trying to work. At least he is not in the office. The weekend spreads out ahead of me - and I'm down. I really want to spend the weekend with him - but thats not going to happen now. He did invite me round to his house on Sun night, but whats the point?? If at the end of the day, its going nowhere.

 

I've deleted his home number and his cellphone from my phone in order to make it hard for me to contact him again outside of work.

 

I wish I were in someone elses body and I was feeling so happy and positive for the first time in months. This came along and set me back.

[dreynolds]

And you'll feel happy and great again - you're just an emotional person...so am I..it's the fun we get to deal with.

 

As I said - relationships, and dating for that matter, isn't easy - not for people like us who are emotional, looking for that one special person to be with. The process takes time - and patience - and most importantly, faith in yourself and belief in who you are as a woman! There should be that "something" that makes you, YOU....and nobody can take that from you. You keep it when you're single, you keep it when you're in a relationship...you might lose site of it, you might think someone stole it from you (especially when you feel the way you do now) - but it's just hiding...it's still there - TRUST ME!

 

This is the second relationship gone bad this year for you - As of yesterday, my 4th this year ended. First was a 5 month relationship that just wasn't working out, ended in february. next was a married woman - we really hit it off - but I can't do that, i'm not "THAT GUY". The next I fell for, hard - she did and said all the right things, then one day - treated me like crap and ended it - no explanation - never heard from her again. This last girl I was seeing for about a month and a bit...she played me - but ya know, her loss! This is me - looking for "HER" - I don't know who she is yet - but I know who she isn't!

 

Faith in you, Goldfish - cheer up, and smile - as you said to the other poster, Life is too short....and you hit the nail on the head! Life is too short - and it also applies to letting ONE PERSON make you feel the way you feel right now! Deep breath - new outlook!

[Goldfish6888]

Thanks reynolds. Sorry that your heart has been hurt 4 times this year! You sound like a great guy!

 

You are right.

I know it all makes sense.

But heartbreak and heartsore never makes any sense.

Cant eat, cant sit still. Cant concentrate

all over one guy who I thought felt the same as me.

And of course, I have to work 6 feet away from him and pretend I'm cool with the whole thing.

 

I still feel like crap and like an idiot for laying myself bare for someone to reject me. Normally I don't put myself out there for it. But this time it felt different. It felt right. But obviously it was all one sided (from my part). I truly thought we had connected on all levels. But I could not be more wrong. I should have known as his marriage ended 2 years ago and he has two kids. I should have stopped myself getting into something with someone who has so much baggage. I should've known he wasn't ready for a relationship. But again I just jump in and hope to win the jackpot.

 

I really wish I did'nt feel this low.

Thanks for your support.

[sparkle1]

OK.

 

In response to the original question. 99% of the time work place relationships are a bad idea.

 

however, on the odd occasion of me hearing they work - they do so by the people not working directly together.

 

2ndly. If he wants you to be a shag, then he doesn't respect you. He was asking you what you would have done to him as he isinterested in you sexually not as a relationship at the moment.

 

Does this guy "do relationships?" or is he a bit of a committment phob?

 

HUGS xxx

[Batya33]

Don't beat yourself up over it - you liked him and you wanted to see if something could work. My advice for next time - most men will not risk offending a lady by asking her to come to his house for a first date if he really wants a relationship with her. Or, if he does he will make it clear it is just to stop by and see something he recently bought and he won't even invite you to stay before taking you out for a meal or other public activity. I did date someone at work many years ago - we broke up and a year ago - we no longer work together - got back together. For the first "date" he asked me out to lunch and then for the second, for drinks after work and then he walked me home and did not ask to be invited in. We did not work together and it was a large company so we didn't have to see each other during the day much at all.

 

I realize hard and fast rules all have exceptions but the next time someone asks you to come to his house and you know you are attracted to him, suggest that you do that another time and by all means, no alcohol!

[ImThatGirl]

Hey There Sweetie.......

 

I know how bad this hurts. I've been there before as well. You will get through the sadness.

 

What I have learned:

 

Sometimes actions point to one thing but the words you need to keep close to heart. It's almost like a trick. He's left you to wonder if he's actually interested and if you could cross the obstacle of working together.

 

Soooo, he treats you, he spends time with you.

 

You get "convinced" that if you do the right thing, you'll win him over.

 

He gets what he wants.

 

When it all ends, he can say "I was honest with you. I told you we couldn't date as we work together."

 

I know that being alone is hard. I know that we sometimes feel like something is missing. Unfortunately, some of these men have a type of radar for those of us that may be vulnerable.

 

My advice to you:

 

Don't give him the time of day. Be friendly at work but don't see him outside of work. Unless you can put that lock on your heart and emotions (without getting emotionally involved.) Let's face it sometimes we settle for little to fill the void. Whatever you do, do not get emotionally attached to this guy.

[bighair]

Hi Everyone:

 

I met my ex at work. WE dated for nearly 7 years. We worked together for 2 years before I found another job. Our relationship's ending had nothing to do with work or working together.

 

There is a lot of controversy around this issue for some people. I think it's fine to date coworkers so long as there is no supevisor relationship (that could get messy with sexual harassment laws) and you are able to maintain good boundaries between your personal and professional lives. Let's face it. Adults spend most of their time at work.

 

This coworker may be using the "we work together" as an excuse to have a friends w. benefits relationship with you. Or, he could be truly conflicted about starting a relationship w. a coworker.

 

I commend you on being honest w. this guy about what you want. My advice to you would be keep your distance, be friendly to him and go about the business of your job. If he truly is conflicted, let him work it out, and initiate a relationship with you. If he truly is looking to have a no strings kinda of relationship with you, you'll know that too because you're keeping your distance from him. YOu've told this guy what you want. He's an adult. Let him get his * * * * together, come to terms with his feelings and realize that you're worth pursuing.

 

I think the best thing you can do is continue to go to work, do a good job there and not let this coworker affect your job performance.

 

Hope this helps. Good luck.

[Goldfish6888]

Thanks guys some of that advice was REALLY insiteful!!! Thanks you have made my morning...as I sit here being professional and as normal as I possibly can. He did call me last night (sunday night outside of work hours) but I didn't take the call. He left a message saying he knew I was on my own and just wondered how my weekend was. I haven't mentioned the call this morning...should I mention it? or just leave it be? In the meantime, I've just been normal....as normal as I can when inwardly I am fuming at him!!

 

THanks sooooo much for your advice...this is a tough time for me

[Goldfish6888]

I'm just dying here. This is the toughest thing I've ever done. And he is just going about his business like normal. This is so hard. I think I am going to have to find another job. I just have too many feelings for him. We don't directly work together, but I do provide some support to him - we would be on the same level pretty much. He is not my boss.

 

But I'm just dying here.

 

I am being professional and friendly. But I'm finding it really hard. He left early for once and when he left, he just winked in an almost patronising way....like see ya. I feel like crap. I feel like my world has caved in. This is the hardest thing Ive ever done. It's like he has the upper hand. I'm truly devastated and this is only MONDAY. How am I going to get through the week? I never mentioned to him about the call today.....(that I had missed it last night). But I just helped him when he needed it and offered him coffee and tea, but he refused both. I took his offer of a cup of coffee. My sister rang and I accidentally knocked a glass of water over when I picked up the phone - he raced to the kitchen to get me some hankies to mop it up. Obviously listening to my convo. I am just going out of my mind. I'm doing my work, but I'm truly dying.

[Batya33]

Take deep breaths. In for count of four, hold for count of four, out for count of four. This man is not worth it. He certainly is not worth your job performance. Have the "pity party" today if you need to, and promise yourself that tomorrow, you will not let yourself get into this mindset for more than "x" amount of time - give yourself 15 minutes, a half hour, an hour but no longer. And I mean "pity party" in a nice way - we all need to give ourselves the chance to mourn and feel badly for ourselves when we are hurt - of course!! Do your best to stay out of his way and find some detail oriented work that can distract you. It will be ok.

[finewhine]

Really, it will be OK. I know rejection stings and all, but get back on the hoss. I think you came out ahead, in that it's better that it fell apart sooner rather than later.

 

Don't beat yourself up for putting yourself out there! Be strong! It won't seem like such a big deal next week, I'm sure.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

"What would you have done to me, if things had of progressed?"

 

Telling me that that lock was on my jeans last night and he didn't know the combination.

 

This guy thinks he is a smooth operator. You are better off without him. I think he just wants a no strings attached sexual relationship.

 

Workplace romances can get pretty dicey. I have seen many work out and lead to marriage, but I have also seen many crash and burn and become the fodder for gossip. It often impacts one person more than the other. It is a tough call, workplace romances. I wouldn't say that a person should totally steer clear of them because plenty of them do work out. You just have to proceed with caution. Except not with this guy. The double standard is still alive and well even in workplace romances. If a guy is just looking at a co-worker as a booty call, chances are the gossip around the watercooler will be less favourable about the woman. In many workplaces it still is a man's world (and many women can be b---s to other women).

[Goldfish6888]

Thanks I think you are right. I've seen through the MR NICE GUY Approach. Today has been a rude awakening. Suddenly I see all his niceness as a front. It's like a machine. When hes on the phone - he says the same charming things to the different people. I fell for it, which has been the story of my life. I accept things at face value. I think everyone is sincere. Today is still hard, but I'm finding it hard to be NICE to him. Can lust or love be so quickly replaced by HATE or DISREGARD? I was at a book launch" last night and he asked me how it went. I said "great", but just couldn't bring myself to give any details. Why should he know whats going on in my life? I noticed he had printed off some info. on a Bed and Breakfast hotel in Italy. Guess he is planning to bring someone away. I am jealous. But I know that its for the best. I do kind of regret that I was honest about my feelings as I feel like a plonker - an idiot - stupid - made a fool of. I should have kept quiet. It's not like me to tell someone. I normally play it cool. BUt I really really liked him and thought he did too.....But yup, he's just in it for his jolly's.

 

Sorry for being so selfish and just posting on myself recently.

 

This relationship was building up for a long time, so I guess it meant more to me than I had thought. I will try to get back to enotalone again and not be so selfish on my own feelings. Thanks to everyone. XOXOX.

[Goldfish6888]

I did text him last night saying "thanks for the call on Sunday". and wished him a good evening. He texted back saying "thanks for your text - and thanks for all your help and assistance today, regards J"

 

I texted back "Sure why wouldn't I help, it's my job.....told him someone famous was at the book launch and I would put a good word in for him with her" (she is a famous actress). I wanted to look like I'm over it now and can revert back to the same old joker.

 

He responded "lucky devil you, being out a launch. Have a great night"

 

So I guess we are now working within the boundaries of work colleagues again.

[Goldfish6888]

Okay, now he has just bought me lunch. I was too busy to go out for lunch and he had invited me out with our other colleague. I asked him to buy me a sandwhich, but he refused the money and came back with soup, sandwhich and a coffee (which I didn't order). I guess its guilt......He's making it hard for me to hate him.

[ImThatGirl]

Hang in there Goldfish... I know how hard this is. I truly do. Remember what I mentioned above.

 

**Soooo, he treats you, he spends time with you.**

 

**You get "convinced" that if you do the right thing, you'll win him over.**

 

Really, I think the ball is in your court here. Let him treat you and enjoy it. Just take it at face value. Don't rush any actions based on how he's acting.

 

And, yes - it's understandable that you feel hate and disregard for him. I assume it's that at some points and then back to being fond of him at another. Just don't let him fool you, Sweetie!

 

And don't feel bad about posting so much. We are here for you!

 

Hugs!

[Goldfish6888]

I can't ignore him as he sits 6 feet away from me. Thanks be - he is a sales rep, so he is out of the office for the rest of the week. In a way, I miss that he is gone.

 

I still have feelings for him unfortunately. Yes he really is trying to mop things up with running to get me hankies to clean my mess and now buying me lunch. Its too much. I'm just one big stupid emotion. I really think its time for me to find another job. Not just because of him - but everything.

 

I don't like working here anymore - everything is grating on me. ARGH.......I was on the mend from my broken relationship in June and now I'm back in heartbreak central......And I told J I deserved some good Karma. He knows all about my break up so he's not even been thoughtful at all to me.

 

This is hard.

[Goldfish6888]

He just left a note on my desk - with a lock on it.( i had left it in his car).

 

I'm so glad he is out of the office. Things have changed irrecovably here for me.

 

I just feel kind of dead inside. Last night I said to my friend - I'm making bad choices in men here....that I'm going to give her the responsibility of picking my dates and men from now on. I just don't trust my own judgement anymore.

 

My friend said that I'm too sincere - so I expect everyone else to be the same and so I'm an optimist, which is why the players just hit on me the whole time.

 

It really has just chipped away at that little block of self confidence. I get the "you are a good looking, stunning girl" comments, you must be able to have anyone....and if they only knew...how lonely I am, how sad I am inside.

 

The positive feeling is disappearing again and I felt so great these past two months. I felt like nothing could knock me down again. Now I am feeling old and past my sell by date and like I will never meet anyone.

 

These things really just knock you back, because you have such hope for them and the raincloud suddenly appears and you're back where you started.

 

I don't know - if I can trust my own judgement on guys anymore.

 

I just don't know.

[Goldfish6888]

Just an update on this.

 

Well I feel better today.

 

A bit more positive. I had a chat with my mom and she has said - look just get out there an enjoy yourself - you've had a bit of rejection - but don't let anyone knock you down or knock the spirit out of you - life is too short to be down....Good advice don't you think???

 

Thanks to everyone who posted. Hugs and kisses....as this has been a tough week.

 

I've started to look at things outside of myself - like J is always out on the road, so he would never have weekends free (that would have driven me mad). He has two kids (which I wouldn't mind - as I really love kids - but he has to travel a long 5 hour drive there and back to pick them up for the weekend). He has a lot of baggage and I don't think is over his marriage breaking up yet. I would've had to deal with that.

 

Okay - now this one is really not fair - as I'm not superficial - but I'm just trying to make myself feel better....he's bald.....and doesn't take care of his body.....(look I liked him no matter what!! Whether he had two left feet!!).

The Truth now as I've had time to think - I don't even know if he was being sincere - when he gave me his private phone number to ring anytime of the night (why would a work colleague do this?). Why did he drive me to my car (as he said just so he could keep me with him longer). Not things you say to a colleague who you have NO INTENTIONS of a relationship with.

 

There were a lot of things that just didn't add up.

 

Now I'm not sure even if I like him anymore - even as a colleague. When someone puts on an act like that - its hard to know where the act ends and where the real person starts.

 

One step back to recovery. I'm getting out there....and I'm going to date again and just have fun!!!

 

Life is too short for misery and misery takes soooo much energy.....

[blondebombshelter]

Sounds like you're really getting on top of it, well done. That's a great tactic, listing all his bad points! I think some people need affirmation that they're attractive and will flirt with anyone and everyone. He could well be encouraging you because it's an ego trip to have won someone's heart, despite the fact he doesn't want it.

 

This is harsh, but if he really did like you, nothing would stop him, not even the fact that you work together.