relationships in workplace - do they work?

[Batya33]

My friend said that I'm too sincere - so I expect everyone else to be the same and so I'm an optimist, which is why the players just hit on me the whole time.

 

 

 

I am very sincere and an optimist and have mostly had lovely experiences with men where I've been treated with respect and love. I treat myself with respect and love (a reasonable amount of the time!) and am assertive about my own expectations of being treated with respect (that is if a man is disrespectful or takes me for granted, I may not "say" anything depending on the circumstances but he won't find me available the next time he calls - I will say something if I believe it was an oversight, a mistake, an aberration but I won't give more than a few chances - why waste my time with a person like that as a date, a friend or otherwise?)

 

What I think it might be is that men might sense your neediness/insecurities and those that want to hook up might be drawn to that.

[Batya33]

I've started to look at things outside of myself - like J is always out on the road, so he would never have weekends free (that would have driven me mad). He has two kids (which I wouldn't mind - as I really love kids - but he has to travel a long 5 hour drive there and back to pick them up for the weekend). He has a lot of baggage and I don't think is over his marriage breaking up yet. I would've had to deal with that.

 

Okay - now this one is really not fair - as I'm not superficial - but I'm just trying to make myself feel better....he's bald.....and doesn't take care of his body.....(look I liked him no matter what!! Whether he had two left feet!!).

The Truth now as I've had time to think - I don't even know if he was being sincere - when he gave me his private phone number to ring anytime of the night (why would a work colleague do this?). Why did he drive me to my car (as he said just so he could keep me with him longer). Not things you say to a colleague who you have NO INTENTIONS of a relationship with.

 

There were a lot of things that just didn't add up.

 

Now I'm not sure even if I like him anymore - even as a colleague. When someone puts on an act like that - its hard to know where the act ends and where the real person starts.

 

One step back to recovery. I'm getting out there....and I'm going to date again and just have fun!!!

 

Life is too short for misery and misery takes soooo much energy.....

 

I am glad you are feeling more positive. Sometimes it does help to see the negatives in the person who you believe rejected you. Sometimes I find for myself this is just a short term bandaid - kind of "sour grapes" and you don't want that kind of negative energy to bleed over into the next relationship. It's productive if you can see now that maybe he wasn't trustworthy but it's more productive to figure out why you let someone like that into your life and under your skin.

 

As far as his body type and baldness well sure - maybe you don't think those are positives but my guess is that those are things you are picking on because he rejected you. We can say that about all people we choose to date - some work long hours, some are bald, some have baggage, whatever.

 

Why not be the bigger person - for yourself - and just accept that he wasn't that into you, that not everyone will be that into you, that that is fine in the long run, etc and sure, as an aside, he wasn't a true prince charming anyway. Please don't become that "angry at all men" kind of person just because one or even several men reject you.

 

Of course, if it helps you to take it out on his faults to get you over the harder part and feel better, go for it ;-) - just was hoping that you were continuing to deal with this in the sincere optimistic way you say you like to!

[Goldfish6888]

Batya you are right. I've reread my post and it is really sour graped!! I feel much better today....Its fine....I can deal with the rejection. Last week I couldn't. I'm feeling more myself today. I feel positive and ready to face the future!! Actually I'm not angry with men at all! In fact I love them! They are great....and I can't wait to meet my Prince charming!!

 

HE WAS NOT THAT INTO ME!!!! hehehehehe.....I can say it....AND I can DEAL WITH IT!!

 

Thanks everyone...hugs....g fish. Happily working at my desk and GETTING OVER IT!

[Goldfish6888]

Seriously getting back to myself. Thanks to everyone for putting up with me. It is tough, when you have fallen for someone over a 6 month period, they encourage you and then reject you, not great for the ego or self confidence. So thats my excuse!

[mgirl]

It's like he has the upper hand.

 

Don't worry, believe me when i say he will be the one that regrets it. He obviously does this to women all the time to masturbate his own ego. In the meantime, the more mature one, you, are dealing with it and growing from it.

 

You really will have the last laugh here. It doesn't feel like it now, but i have met these dysfunctional types and they are the miserable ones and they have to drag other people down to make themselves feel better.

 

It doesn't take a genius to work out what happens when they have no one to make feel miserable anymore!

[Goldfish6888]

Thanks Mgirl. He's out of the office now and I feel much more together again. His marriage broke up and he couldn't give me one solid reason for it, besides saying "she was depressed" and wouldn't take her tablets. Surprising that his marriage broke up for such a small reason....that most people would get help to work through. In hindsight I think it is strange.

[ImThatGirl]

How are you doing Goldfish?

[Goldfish6888]

Thanks I'mThatGirl. I'm fine. Actually I feel quite strong today.

 

Put on my high heels, pencil skirt, silk blouse and cashmere coat into work today. Blow dried the hair....which I recently got cut and coloured and am GOOD TO GO! I feel good...nothing like a little bit of preening to up the confidence levels...when you have been dumped!

 

Was out last night with parents for dinner and had a v. eligible bachelor give me the eye!! Probably one of the No 1 bachelors in the country! So its nice to know!...he owns the golf club we were eating at and came over to our table - asked us to stay for a drink - but I had to head off as up at the crack of dawn this morning!

 

This morning J is fussing about me....will I close the window for you......are you too cold? ETC., Not sure if I feel disdain or what I feel...but whatever it is ...its helping me get over it. Sometimes I miss talking to him on the phone....when I could call him up at any time of the evening...and I keep fantasising about us making love...and then I scream at myself...and tell myself to cop on!

This is real life.

He missed his chance.

He had it.

He always talked about meeting a girl who is nice and is easy to talk to. He met one and he didn't even realise it.

 

Thanks! Amazing what a haircut and a week can do for ones' self esteem. Hugs

[ImThatGirl]

Sounds like you are doing great! A haircut and color and a nice outfit can do wonders!!!

 

I'm glad you had a good time with your parents and realize that there are more eligible bachelors in this world! Remember that right now this guy is close to you at work. It's easy to fill voids with thoughts of him. That doesn't mean that he's eligible. Just means he's nearby and easy to think about. Never know, one day he may "grow up!"

 

I think I'm headed for a haircut and color this weekend. I'm way past due. I've been so busy with life. It seems that just making it through the work week is so much! Hopefully when I get my haircut and color, I'll stop looking like Miss Housewife!

 

You are welcome! I'm here if you ever want to pm!!! Hugs!

[Goldfish6888]

Hes really pissing me off at the moment......started talking in the kitchen.....about colleagues who are eligible for me.

[ImThatGirl]

He probably wants to get a reaction out of you. Punks!

[Goldfish6888]

Nah he is sickly friendly. This morning tried to strike up convo with me...but I was quite curt.

 

He is really annoying me.

[Goldfish6888]

I feel bad because I'm being quite rude and this is NOT ME! He asked me to get more business cards printed for him and I said "okay I'll get 500 done for you"....He said "I really, really appreciate you doing this for me, you are very good, thanks so much". (over the top) and I said "well J, it is my job you know" and he responded "well its just nice to be appreciated"....and he thanked me again as he was leaving the office for a meeting....He was almost like he was pissed that I had been curt with him.

 

He was supposed to go to my last play (I'm an actress) on Thursday (I'm giving it up) and has said "I'm goosed, I have the girls, sorry I can't go on Thursday as promised".

 

I just responded " no worries, its not important at all. Its fine." And got on with my work.

 

Am I being a removed by moderator>? What do you think? I'm being professional but I'm just not giving him the time of day.

 

Last night as I was leaving for after work drinks with one of the girls from the office and someone said "have a great night" and I responded "we'll try". The look of shock on his face.......it was strange. Why was he shocked? Was he afraid I would spill the beans on him?

 

Am I acting this out right? Its sooo hard working with someone when all of this has happened.

 

I'm starting to see his marriage didn't break down for no reason. And I wonder what that reason was. he's portrayed himself as "wronged", "Mr Nice Guy" but I'm sure there is more to him than meets the eye. I just feel bad, because I actually can't stand him...he makes my skin crawl....but I still kind of have feelings for him? What is this?

[ImThatGirl]

I think you are handling this well.

 

Your options:

~ Continue the friendship you had before, flirting, and being overly sweet at work and allowing yourself to believe he's something he's already he stated he's not.

~ Be curt and professional. Stick to your guns and make it clear you're not "interested" in fun times with him.

~ Be rude and jeopardize your work environment.

 

Seriously, what does he expect you to act like?

 

I've often found that anyone who portrays being "wronged" "victim" and "but I'm such a good guy," usually have something in the closet. There's truth behind that act more times than not.

 

For me, when I was in sticky situations, I held onto people because they filled a void, even if they were SO wrong for me. That was during vulnerable times. My feelings would fluctuate between "but they are so great" to "Why do I allow this to continue" and then usually to cutting all ties.

 

I'm glad to hear you went out with a coworker after work. I think he's used to you being super friendly, bubbly, and responsive to him and he's shocked that you have changed.

[Goldfish6888]

Thanks I'mthatgirl.

 

He's out of the office all week and I'm soooo happy! I can actually breathe!

 

Thanks again!!! For your lovely advice

[Goldfish6888]

HI guys

 

I've not posted in a while. He asked me out for a drink last Thursday night and I said I couldn't go. He said "Oh I feel the rejection and it hurts!" and I joked " well you're used to it, being a salesman - just keep knocking on those doors..." But today, I still really have feelings for him. I really do. I had a dream last night, where he was holding my hand and it felt really good to have him hold my hand and I just find it so hard...working so close to him.

 

He had said about a week and a half ago - if I fancied going for a drink/coffee when he got back from being on the road and I said "Yeh, maybe sometime in the future" and I joked about where he is from and kept things light, but I was really non committal.

 

I have these feelings and its really hurting me saying "no", but I'm trying to do it for my own good.

 

Why am I back in the same place again? Help?

[Goldfish6888]

He called me last night and asked me out to his house. I'm delighted to say I didn't go!! But anyway, I also have a little news....I'm going on a date on Thurs. Don't want to jinx it but he seems nice.

 

Wish me luck!!

G Fish

[charley]

The building I spend most of my time in at work is a very elegant building. A couple years ago we had a wedding there where two of my coworkers who met at work got married there on their day off. Their families, friends, coworkers, and many customers were in attendance.

 

Several other coworkers date each other, though at work they act like "just friends" and coworkers so you can't tell they're dating to look at them when they are on duty. However, if you see them in the parking lot after work, it becomes obvious that they are dating.

 

It can work.

 

On the other hand, there have been a couple people who had a problem with it because they didn't act professional while on duty. They flirted excessively when getting along and fought the rest of the time. So management made their shifts never cooincide again. End of problem.

 

At both places where I work, there is no written policy about dating coworkers. Only policies against harassment and to be professional at work. Our employer feels that employees are free people, not slaves and it's not management's business what they do when off duty. They do however need to be professional when on duty and when on the premises. i.e. - no making out on breaks because you're still on the premises.

 

That's it. Well, I might add one thing. If they had a policy against it, I would ignore that policy. They won't know who you're dating if you act platonic and professional at work, which you should anyway.

[charley]

Sorry things didn't work out. You never know until you try. Forget that guy. There's always other guys and it sounds like you already found one.

 

Don't let one bad experience sour you on meeting people at work. It might be great next time, or some time.