Why do you / did you stay in a bad relationship?

[ImThatGirl]

I have a friend that split with her guy for the umpteenth time yesterday. I support her no matter what her decision. When thinking of the advice and support we give each other, it is clear that I'm not currently following my own advice.

 

When it's my friends, I expect them to settle for nothing but the best. Yet, I don't expect that for myself.

 

I'm wondering why we stay or why we have stayed in "bad" relationships? For the past couple of years, if someone didn't live up to my standards and expectations (respect me, show me, don't make me wonder,) I'd cut ties immediately. Now I'm in a relationship that I'm trying to make work. I'm in a sense challenging myself. Telling myself that if the effort is made, it will pay off. I'd be upset for any of my friends going through the same thing and possibly think to myself "Why is she / he putting up with this? He / She deserves more!"

 

So why do you or why did you stay in a relationship if you felt you weren't being treated as you deserve to be treated?

 

I'm thinking my signature lines are bull for me right now. I'm not following them! Instead I'm ](*,) . What makes us do this?

 

Or maybe, I'm just trying to make for a good relationship by being patient and tolerant? Who knows?

[annie24]

why I have stayed in bad or ok relationships.... I want to give people the 'benefit of the doubt.' but, ultimately, that has never worked for me.... I've met a lot of guys that have taken advantage of that.

 

I don't know... if you have a gut feeling that something is off, maybe you should leave?

[Momene]

Don't want to blow my trumpet about my set of rules but it's fear of being alone. Once we realise that it's OK to be alone and there are others about anyway, we lose the fear.

 

I stuck at my marriage during a sticky patch because I felt it in my daughter's best interests and I'm glad to say things are better.

 

Other than that, I feel if a relationship needs a lot of work, it isn't worth it.

[ImThatGirl]

I understand staying for children. But ultimately my children give me more strength, they deserve the best.

 

Momene, I'm in the process of taking my own advice I think. I keep thinking, it will click and I'll be done.

 

The thing is, I want to be sure I'm not giving up on something that could be great if I can get through the rough patches. All relationships will have little bumps.

 

I don't fear being alone. I have been single before. I don't have much invested here with this relationship. Not like it'd be complicated to walk away. I guess I want to make sure I'm not being insecure or that I don't impulsively walk away because of insecurities.

 

I think I expect to destruct my relationships. It's safer that way. ha. I'm sure my friends and family would say I've self destructed relationship in the past. So I'm testing myself maybe? I don't want to just give up.

[Ruh_Roh]

Most everyone thinks it's much easier for the female to rebound after a bad relationship, but the fatal mistake is trying to force a failed relationship back together again after said bad break-up.

I've tried it. It leads to bad fun stinky sex, then back to the issues...

Not a good thing, at least not for me. YMMV. Once it's over, it's eventually over.

Ruh Roh

[rose2summer]

So why do you or why did you stay in a relationship if you felt you weren't being treated as you deserve to be treated?

 

For me personally, I always had a hope of things improving, that the person will somehow magically change. Well, that can't happen unless he would have gotten hit by a lightning bolt and his mind rewired. I think we develop a false hope, I am like that in other ways in my life, I will never give up at work, school, etc, and so failure to me is unacceptable, so I try to make changes.

 

I'm thinking my signature lines are bull for me right now. I'm not following them! Instead I'm . What makes us do this?

 

As humans, we believe that people are inherently good and if they love us enough, they would change for us. The problem is that the core is set in early childhood and is really hard to change, and can only be done if that person decides to change it. When we get deep into a relationship, we start thinking with our emotions, and not with our intellectual centers, so therein lies the problem. When a break-up occurs, we start thinking back again with our brains, and snap back into reality.

 

The mind is an amazing entity, but when emotions cloud of thinking, who knows what can happen.

 

Hugs, Rose

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you all for your comments...

 

I have a way of "hoping for the best but keeping in mind the worst is possible."

 

I guess I'm just sitting back hoping for the best. Making sure of my decisions.

 

Anybody else have any reasons for staying?

[Batya33]

I don't think it's a black and white issue. You have to balance "how bad" against your self esteem and self respect - you come first. Some decisions are easy - abuse, alcoholism, he commits a crime, you cannot stand to be in the same room with him - others are more gray areas. Maybe the touchstone is what percentage of the time you feel happy or doing a pro-con list. You also have to know what your dealbreakers are. For me, for example a deal breaker was when, after two months he, in the span of one week (1) cancelled plans with me at the last minute without apology; (2) was disrespectful in making another plan - i.e. he didn't ask whether I would need to get something to eat before the theater and generally took me for granted and (3) he got drunk in front of me and his parents on new years eve (no one else was drunk/drinking) was rude to me, walked out of my apartment without saying goodbye and blew me off for brunch the next day. He half apologized. I walked away, no looking back.

 

Another time within two months he several times acted way too insecure for my comfort - prying about business cards in my purse, questioning why I couldn't take his calls at certain times, very suspicious. We talked it out and then it was fine for a day or so and then resumed. Had no trouble nexting him

 

Had a similar situation to yours -after two months he became distant and aloof. I didn't say anything other than told him that I wouldn't be around forever without some sort of exclusivity, and when he got distant I gave him triple the space he seemed to need. After one month he showed me a scary side of him and that plus the distance made me decide to end things (and yes I had been utterly smitten for the first two months)

 

You can't compare how you advise your friends - don't be so hard on yourself - but figure out your breaking point and figure out the pros/cons and how it affects your self respect/self esteem. I also consider whether if this is how it is in the early stages it will probably only get worse later on.

[annie24]

I don't think it's a black and white issue. You have to balance "how bad" against your self esteem and self respect - you come first. Some decisions are easy - abuse, alcoholism, he commits a crime, you cannot stand to be in the same room with him - others are more gray areas.

 

you know, for me, even the alcoholism can be a grey area. for whatever reason, I've dated a lot of alcoholics this year... which is odd, because I'm not one and neither is anyone else in my family. it can be really hard to tell if someone is an alcoholic or just likes to 'kick back and have some drinks.' It is odd, the same night that I hinted to him that I was concerned about some of his drinking habits was the same night we broke up. it was really for the best though.

 

and the abuse, as some people I know have recently been discussing, isn't always clear cut also when you are on the inside.... no one starts out by being abusive, it is something that builds over time. by the time that the abuse starts, you are attached, and you feel it's YOUR fault you are making him mad, and that's why he hit or grabbed you.

[Batya33]

OK - I guess for some it is not black/white - for me it is and those are the areas where I am comfortable giving unsolicited advice to friends particularly where there are children involved. I won't date someone or continue dating someone who drinks excessively or talks a lot about drinking/gets drunk regularly even if he is not an alcoholic and my self esteem/self respect is such that I typically don't get along with controlling types, which lessens the risk of me ending up with someone who is abusive.

[annie24]

OK - I guess for some it is not black/white - for me it is and those are the areas where I am comfortable giving unsolicited advice to friends particularly where there are children involved. I won't date someone or continue dating someone who drinks excessively or talks a lot about drinking/gets drunk regularly even if he is not an alcoholic and my self esteem/self respect is such that I typically don't get along with controlling types, which lessens the risk of me ending up with someone who is abusive.

 

yeah, very good points. I think I am learning my lessons now....

 

You know, I graduated from college a few years ago, where people can get drunk on a regular basis and it is usually not considered a cause for concern. you know, it is just 'college kids being college kids." Now i am in grad school and have been dating men in grad school and in professional jobs.... and finally now it is hitting me.... if you are 30 and with a 'real job', you shouldn't be drinking and smoking like a 19 year old frat boy!

 

there is a 'shift of perspective' of sorts going on for me....

[Momene]

if you are 30 and with a 'real job', you shouldn't be drinking and smoking like a 19 year old frat boy!

 

there is a 'shift of perspective' of sorts going on for me....

 

AGREE. It's called not growing up.

[ImThatGirl]

You can't compare how you advise your friends - don't be so hard on yourself - but figure out your breaking point and figure out the pros/cons and how it affects your self respect/self esteem. I also consider whether if this is how it is in the early stages it will probably only get worse later on.

 

That's exactly what I'm considering right now. I have to know "for sure" or I'll be upset with myself in the future.

 

I think it's interesting that some things are black/white for some but not others. And at some points in our life what would be black/white normally are gray.

[lunatic]

To me I would always stick around in a relationship because I was afraid to be alone. Now I was not always like this but, after my last long term relationship where is was mentally abused. I have not been the same and if I see any of that crap coming my way again I run for the hills.

 

At this point in my life I am who I am and if you don't like me then there is the door. I know a poor attitude but, I don't want someone coming into my life telling me what I can and can't do. I have to say that after years of bad relationship to another bad relationship I have learned alot about me.

 

I think there is not a cut and dry method of why one will stay in a unhappy or unhealthy relationship. I think once the heart gets involved there is no more logical thought about the relationship. I find that I was always trying to fix the problems and keep from rocking the boat. What I was doing was enabling her to control me and to take advantage of me at the same time.

 

I cannot and will not deal with any drama or other BS. I have no patience for it or even the ability to deal with it anymore. I am too old for that crap now and a bit wiser.

[Spawn]

i think in my first relationship it was cause of the reason of being alone and that probably made me stay even though i was gettin hurt left right center...then her ex comes around she starts developin feelings for him and again starts hurtin me...that was pure first class top of the line mental torture.

 

Second one we mutually agreed rather took a mature decision to say our bye byes cause there were lot of issues surroundin religion, caste and color...i was ready to go against ma parents but she wasn't, she wanted ma parents consent too, aah we broke it off just yesterday.

 

Although i felt crap and alone initially, i think my work took my mind off it...i am ok now, so its not like i wud go beg and stuff like i did in my first one, i think i know how to live alone now in a more mature manner...and a bit of cryin helps too

[rmpavlock]

I kept telling myself that relationships take work. I think I felt like if I couldn't make it work, I had failed at it or didn't try hard enough....like I gave up. Well, I did give up, but it wasn't a bad thing. Plus, I did want to give him the benefit of the doubt like annie said. I kept telling myself that his intentions were good, he just wasn't experienced in relationships...yada yada yada. I finally realized after 3 years that if it hadn't changed by then, it wasn't going to. So many of my friends were getting married, looking so happy with their boyfriends/husbands. Seeing how they acted together was nothing like how my boyfriend and I acted together.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Because you think that he or she is the only one suitable for you.

 

Staying in a bad relationship is a lot easier than breaking up with your partner. It needs a lot of courage.

[renaissancewoman101]

I stay in relationships that have gone south mainly because I am afraid to be the dumper and to hurt someone. I also like the routine and familiarity of the relationship so I stick around even though I may not be happy. But sometimes I will do stuff to inadvertently sabotage the relationship, which isnt good either.

 

Routine and familiarity is a big thing for me. That is why I miss T every so often. I miss talking to him, hanging out with him, him yelling at me, etc. most because of the familiarity and the routine. He calls every morning, yells about stuff, etc. Calls in the evening, yells about stuff. On Sat., go up to see him, hang out, him and his bf fight, etc. It never changes and I think a lot of us seek familiarity and routine, even if it may not be good for us.

 

I know I do. It's hard to break from that. I've broken from it and I am lonely a lot of times and the temptation is great to go back to that. But I have friends who help me out.

 

Human emotions are tricky.

[Batya33]

"I am afraid to be the dumper and to hurt someone."

 

Is it that you are afraid to hurt someone or afraid to assert yourself and risk the dumpee being angry at you?

[rmpavlock]

That's true...I was afraid to hurt my boyfriend also. I think that's why it took awhile to get up the guts to do it. It was really hard to do, but I just kept telling myself that he'll survive and he'll get over it. Once I broke up with him, he really showed his true colors. He was extremely manipulative, one minute telling me he was sorry and he would do anything, the next minute telling me that it was all my fault. He then started sending me nasty emails, telling me he hated me and that I was going to hell for how I was treating him. Then the next day he would write me an email, asking me to hear him out. As soon as this started happening I stopped feeling sorry for him. It's no longer my problem if he can't get over it or deal with it. It's not my responsibility to make him feel better. Finally I just blocked all of his emails and changed my cell phone number. At night I would take the house phone off of the hook. Sorry to go on....just started remembering....

[Momene]

Well done for working out at 28 what has taken me over 40 years!

[ImThatGirl]

I kept telling myself that relationships take work. I think I felt like if I couldn't make it work, I had failed at it or didn't try hard enough....like I gave up. Well, I did give up, but it wasn't a bad thing. Plus, I did want to give him the benefit of the doubt like annie said. I kept telling myself that his intentions were good, he just wasn't experienced in relationships...yada yada yada. I finally realized after 3 years that if it hadn't changed by then, it wasn't going to. So many of my friends were getting married, looking so happy with their boyfriends/husbands. Seeing how they acted together was nothing like how my boyfriend and I acted together.

 

This is what I do too. I tell myself I could be reading into this too much. That in my current situation it could be two things:

 

1) He's being distant because he's changed his mind and is not into me but doesn't want to be the dumper.

 

2) He's being distant because he's going through alot. And I shouldn't abandon him.

 

Sheesh.

 

Communication works wonders, doesn't it? If he'd just communicate with me.

[Batya33]

This is what I do too. I tell myself I could be reading into this too much. That in my current situation it could be two things:

 

1) He's being distant because he's changed his mind and is not into me but doesn't want to be the dumper.

 

2) He's being distant because he's going through alot. And I shouldn't abandon him.

 

Sheesh.

 

Communication works wonders, doesn't it? If he'd just communicate with me.

 

Here is what I would do - even if it is number two, he should not subject you to his distance by being disrespectful, unreliable or unkind. If he does behave that way he should reassure you that it is not you - without you asking. Sometimes I will call my boyfriend and warn him that I am "cranky" and then do my utmost to keep the conversation normal and thoughtful. He generally does not stand for my taking my "stuff" out on him in terms of not treating him with respect or kindness.

 

Don't abandon yourself in the process.

[doyathink]

The reason I stayed so long is because I desperately wanted things to change. I wanted everyting to work itself out..to be fixed!

 

I loved him deeper than I had ever loved anyone and just wanted it to work!

[rmpavlock]

Defintely agree with Batya...No matter what he is going through, he has no right to treat you badly.