When single how do you deal with need for affection

[renaissancewoman101]

Question for all you out there, how do you guys deal with your human/innate need for affection and closeness when you dont have a SO in your life?

 

Since I have been single for over a year now, I notice that I have more of a need for closeness and affection, than a need for sexual contact. How do people take care of that need for affection and closeness (this isnt something you can get from friends, I dont think).

[Baby Carrot]

Hey, I would totally try and cuddle with those gorgeous guinea pigs!

 

LOL They're effing lovely!!!!

[renaissancewoman101]

The guinea pigs give me a lot of affection and comfort. I CANT cuddle with them without getting a nasty rash. I am highly allergic to the guinea pigs.

[doyathink]

Ren, I'm the loneliest I have ever been and I'm married so I cant tell you. Personally I never felt that way when I was single.

[Baby Carrot]

OMG! I'm sorry to hear that... I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of those cuties...

 

I'm single too right now and I don't have a need of affection and closeness, but I surely have a need of heavy petting and kissing... I haven't found out how to take care of that either...

 

I'm really tempted to go out there and get some nookie.

 

Still trying to make up my mind.

[coollady1957]

Ren , I can totally relate to what you are saying. I have been single in the sense that I dont have a BF now for 9 and a half months. It has been longer than that , since I have had any closeness or affection.

 

I agree that it is not so much a sexual desire or need, but the need to have some hug me, kiss me tenderly, and cuddle me closely until I fall asleep at night. Someone to be there and wake up with me in the mornings.

 

Sure the sex and making love would be great. But the need for affection and closeness right now would please me as much as anything.

 

Right now the most affection and closeness I get is from my sweet little cats. Obviously though that is no where near the same as human affection.

 

As far as how I take care of that need,,,,,, I don't. I just survive and get through each day pretty much with out affection and closeness from anyone, and accepting that , that's how it is.

 

Sure I get hugs from my parents, kids, and brothers, and " I love you's" from them , and that means a lot to me, but there is nothing in the world like a special someone that can give the affection on a different level than family or friends.

[renaissancewoman101]

Coollady, you hit the point. I want affection and cuddling and hand holding from someone. I want hugs and someone to share a bed with. It isnt easy to not have that. I had that when I was in a relationship with my ex and those are the things I miss most from a relationship.

 

Like you, I plod along, but sometimes the need for those things are just so overwhelming that I dont know what to do about it.

[coollady1957]

I do miss it so much. As you know I was married for almost 28 years to the most wonderful, sweet, affectionate, loving man I have ever met in this life.

 

We always had a great sex life, but yet he always knew and sensed when I just needed that closeness and affection and the snuggly cuddly hugs as I lay in his arms as I went to sleep. I really miss him so so much, that I can't even put it into words how much.

[tylercdurden2004]

Ren, I'm the loneliest I have even been and I'm married so I cant tell you. Personally I never felt that way when I was single.

 

 

I think this is important to note.

 

Many people feel having someone else in there life is something that will eliminate lonliness and bring them happiness. This may be true but generally only if you can bring yourself happiness and fulfillment. I had this very discussion with my father today in regards to a few of my friends who are in less than ideal relationships. It all stems from them wanting someone in there life that they "settle" for someone who doesnt bring them true happiness. They are so in need of happiness through someone else.

[renaissancewoman101]

Tyler, there is a difference between feeling lonely and wanting/needing closeness and affection. I am ok right now with the fact of being alone and doing things alone. It is just that, every so often, I get this immerserable desire for affection and closeness, if not just a hug, some cuddles and kisses, and some closeness.

[tylercdurden2004]

Tyler, there is a difference between feeling lonely and wanting/needing closeness and affection. I am ok right now with the fact of being alone and doing things alone. It is just that, every so often, I get this immerserable desire for affection and closeness, if not just a hug, some cuddles and kisses, and some closeness.

 

Sure I understand the difference, my point wasnt necessarily addressed to you, but to people in general. Doya's post made me think about my convo I had today.

 

In short there is a difference between happiness, lonliness, and affection but they all go hand in hand and are closely interlinked.

[quietgrl]

I've never had a Boyfriend in my life and i probably never will.An affection from a man is a dream for me so i just deal with living my life alone.

[Lasko]

I know how this feels, before I had a girlfriend just walking in the hallways at school killed me because everyone usually had someone to give them a sweet hug or peck on the cheek. Just something sweet. I have that now but I never get the long hugs I want either because I'm never around or because she doesn't like long hugs.

 

All I can say is I know how you feel and I'm with you on it. Don't feel too lonely about it, lots of people are in on it with you.

[renaissancewoman101]

If so many people are in it with me, how do they deal with it?

 

I do want a SO in my life to be able to get those things fulfilled, but right now with school and all that, I am not going looking, just hoping it comes my way one of these days.

[Imperceptible]

If so many people are in it with me, how do they deal with it?

 

I do want a SO in my life to be able to get those things fulfilled, but right now with school and all that, I am not going looking, just hoping it comes my way one of these days.

 

 

I feel the same way! I don't know what to do without it. I feel lost.

I don't think there is a way to deal with it. Nothing is a good substitute for it. The best thing to do is to accept it and don't lose hope and be happy it's not Valentine's day because all of us who feel this way would feel like we were surrounded by those who have it.

[itsallgrand]

The solution is.....French men!

 

Ok, maybe there really is no solution. Nothing is the same as having an SO caress you and hold you at night.

 

Guess the only thing to do is to pamper myself, take those cuddles from kids when available, and wait it out til I am ready for another relationship.

 

There's always Italian men.....

[renaissancewoman101]

Well tomorrow I have my first clinical in a kindergarten class. I will be working with about 20 little kindergarteners. That should be fun and give me some attention.

[itsallgrand]

Are you gonna be a teecher, Ren?

 

Ohh, that will be fun! Kids are so great. Even when I'm grumpy a little kid can put a smile on my face. With 20 of them all day you might just be thinking 'ok, ok, enough with the attention already!' lol

[renaissancewoman101]

Yeah, I am working on my masters in education. Hoping to become a teacher in about 2 years.

 

I like working with little kids. They are so much fun and they feel a "bond" to me becuase I am their height. I am not spending the whole day with them. I have class at the university from 9-11 AM then I have my clinical at the elementary school with the kindergarteners from 1-3 PM on Mondays and Wed.

[itsallgrand]

I can totally see you as a teacher. That's very exciting. There are so many kids out there that need someone like you in their lives.

 

Weeee. Have fun tomorrow!

[CarnelianButterfly]

My friends were important to me, but I still felt lonely, especially when coming back to my empty apartment after being with them. I spent more time on campus, just to be near people. I've never cuddled or had sex, but I want someone special to be with, so even though my sex drive is making me crazy, I keep my patience (very vocally uncomfortable at times) because I know it will mean more to me to be with the guy I love. Hope for that does a lot for me.

[shes2smart]

I found regular (every other week) visits with a licensed massage therapist for a full-body massage very useful at taking the edge off what I called "skin hunger."

 

If you can't afford an LMT at a salon or spa, look around for a massage school. Massage students need to practice, and the schools commonly offer student massages for a reduced rate.

[zummyum]

I second the massage idea!

 

You might also look into partner dancing, especially Argentine Tango or Blues if you're feeling more sexy. It's all about holding and being held with lots of rules to keep it safe. Plus, you'll meet lots of new people if you take a class and start going out dancing.

 

There are also such things as a "cuddle parties," where people meet to play goofy games (think pillow fights) and cuddle in their pj's in a supervised environment. I've never been to one, but have some friends who go regularly. You can google it to see if there is a cuddle group in your area.

 

Sometimes, after my last break-up, I would just pick a day to be lonely and really let myself feel bad without fighting it. Some days I'd feel better after an hour, sometimes it would be a whole day, but I always felt better once I allowed the feelings to be for a while.

 

Good luck!

[shes2smart]

There are also such things as a "cuddle parties," where people meet to play goofy games (think pillow fights) and cuddle in their pj's in a supervised environment. I've never been to one, but have some friends who go regularly. You can google it to see if there is a cuddle group in your area.

 

Oh, yeah.. come to think of it... I recently met a couple who does cuddle parties where I live. Personally don't have much interest at this point in my life, but if I was single I'd be inclined to go to one and check it out. link removed is a website for cuddle parties in general...you can do a search on the site to see if there are parties where you live.

[blemished]

I experience this, too. The dangerous thing is, in my experience, I have gotten this need fulfilled in exchange for a romantic relationship which I thought was based on love but turned out to be based on swapping one need for another (cuddling for sex and companionship).

I would rather never cuddle again than be used for sex and call it a 'relationship'.

 

As for what to do to fill in the void, I read a lot to stimulate my mind. I have a teddy bear. I have pets (although I don't cuddle with them (they live outside), petting them and just being with them is therapeutic).