To cheat or not?

[Jake1979]

Well before braking up with her or before cheating on her you could go to speak to a counselour-not together, just you. He will know why is it so hard for you to accept her past and how to get over her lies and how to deal with your plan to cheat. I guess you think you see your reasons pretty clear, but how about getting to the bottom of things on several meetings just in case, to prevent wrong decisons or to give yourself a solid ground for making them?

 

 

I had to edit my post because I wanted to add something: she is going to dump you if you don't do something smart.

 

 

All true- I won't cheat; perhaps if I convince myself she has said I can thereforeeee am not cheating- but I think the fact it would have to be something behind her back she never knows about would mean it has the same effect as cheating. I will give it more time and will go to counseling if I cant get it out of my head.

 

Thanks for the responses.

[pamh]

I had maybe 15 relationships/sexual experiences before I married my husband. One or two were really good while they were happening, but had terrible emotional repercussions. That's why they didn't continue. Most of the others didn't mean much to me at all, and that's why they didn't continue.

 

When I married my husband, I knew from experience what I DIDN'T want, and I knew that he WAS want I wanted. Point is, I feel that my past experiences actually helped me to recognize the man that was right for me. And perhaps it's the same for your gf.

 

Try to realize that probably not all of her previous relationships were wonderful. Some/all of them might have been really bad, and some of them she probably regrets. And that maybe, that was her way of finding out what she didn't want before meeting you.

 

I would also recommend that you see a counselor if only to clarify things for yourself before you take any action.

 

Good luck.

[Jake1979]

All true, but this is in a way what I am saying- its all very well for people to say 'I have been with a lot of people before and many didnt mean much to me and now I am happy to be with my partner and no-one else' -This is the way my girlfriend feels but the fact is I have not been with many other people and feel like I need to before I can fully realise I dont want to be with anyone else and be happy in myself. I just think it isnt something you can be told- you have to learn for yourself.

 

At the moment I have bitterness that I didnt know the truth for years and now am well into this relationship before finding out she has been with lots of people (including relevant things I cant just forget about). I had put thoughts of me not having been with many people to the back of my head because I believed the same was for her, now I know this isnt the case I am not happy with my or her past, I dont want to split up with her but if I had known things from the start I would have either left her because I wasnt ready for this relationship or would have dealt with it from then, to have to deal with it this far into the relationship I just cant- I cant leave her because I know she is the person I would love to spend the rest of my life with but cant stay with her and be happy with the past- this would always be an issue for me. Sleeping with other women just seems to me like it could be a solution- I wouldnt care about how many people either of us had been with because I would realise how meaningless a one night stand can be and how lucky I am to have what I have and not want to sleep with anyone else. -I know I should just feel that anyway but months of trying to I havnt been able to convince myself.

[Hope75]

I really am having trouble understanding how you can claim to love this woman and yet want to sleep around to 'catch up' to her after 6 years together.

 

You are so hung up on her past, that you are willing to ultimately risk your future with her to compete with it.

 

I just don't get why something that happened before you came along and has nothing to do with you, is affecting you so negatively.

 

Have you thought about the very real possibility that you will lose her if you follow through with this?

 

How could you live with the guilt of being unfaithful, dishoney, sneaky, and also putting her sexual health at risk?

 

I know that if my bf did that to me, it would be a clear sign that he did NOT love me, or respect our relationship.

[Jake1979]

 

I know that if my bf did that to me, it would be a clear sign that he did NOT love me, or respect our relationship.

 

You don't think it could be a sign that he is not ready for you to be the last person he ever sleeps with, he wants to sleep with others (not have relationships) but does not want to split up with you, he is not comfortable with his past or yours and did it as a possible means of changing that and then moving forward with the relationship.

 

Lots of people are caught cheating and the relationship gets through it, sometimes it is just something that people feel they need to do to get things out of their system and move forwards. 95% of people say they would never cheat but 20% of people have done it (and I am sure that would be much higher if everyone had the opportunity at the right/wrong time). What I am saying is obviously you will say 'its the wrong thing to do- I would never do it' but people do do it in certain situations and certain times in their lives, does it make them bad people, or just ultimatly insecure people who need reassurance?

[NJRon]

You are considering conducting pre-meditated cheating. You are analyzing the pros and cons and then, you will make your decision based upon what you decide. Does cheating make a person a bad person? I don't know... I think that good pelople do bad things sometimes. But, they typically try to do the right thing. In this case, cheating is treating the symptom of your insecurity, not the insecurity itself.

 

I think you should do what you're gonna do and be prepared to accept the consequences. That works both ways. Either you go for it after you have told your gf what you plan to do... or you don't do it and be prepared to put it away, for good.

 

I know in my early days of relationships I had feelings of insecurity if I was dating someone who had many more partners than me. As you get older, it becomes less likely to find women with fewer partners... while they are definitely out there, it just becomes a non-issue for either party because, in the end, they are with *you*, and that's what matters.

 

If you start this now, and can't come back, what happens with the next girl you find that has had a dozen partners and you have had 2... are you going to feel any more secure then?

[annie24]

All true, but this is in a way what I am saying- its all very well for people to say 'I have been with a lot of people before and many didnt mean much to me and now I am happy to be with my partner and no-one else' -This is the way my girlfriend feels but the fact is I have not been with many other people and feel like I need to before I can fully realise I dont want to be with anyone else and be happy in myself. I just think it isnt something you can be told- you have to learn for yourself.

 

My take is that life doesn't hand us a nicely, neatly packaged set of circumstances. I have heard my friends say something similar, when they found the love of their life "too soon." they say they are jealous of me and the "one million" guys I have dated.

 

Well, on the other hand, i've dated a ton of guys, but haven't found the right one. That in itself is exasperating!!!! i tell them that they are incredibly lucky to have found an amazing boyfriend who loves them to pieces!

 

The grass will always look greener on the other side. Would it have been nice if you had more partners before you met your girl? yeah, but that's not the way it happened.

 

If you cheat on her, there is a good chance she may find out, and leave you. do you really want to take that risk?

 

I feel like life sometimes hands us "lessons." Perhaps yours it to be happy with what you have, even though it came too soon for you. Or if you really feel like this is the wrong time for you, then break up with her.

 

i think I may have already asked this, but do you think she may agree to a 3-some? would that help you alleviate your feelings? or attend a swinger's party?

[DN]

If the family car is damaged by one partner it is usually best to get it mended rather than damage it on the other side to make it even.

[Hope75]

You don't think it could be a sign that he is not ready for you to be the last person he ever sleeps with, he wants to sleep with others (not have relationships) but does not want to split up with you, he is not comfortable with his past or yours and did it as a possible means of changing that and then moving forward with the relationship.

No, absolutely not, and I don't see how you can rationalize it.

 

My bf loves me, and wants to sleep with me, and me alone. The thought of me sleeping with someone else makes him cringe, and the same goes for me. As part of a loving, trusting, respectful and kind relationship, we gave ourselves to each other, heart, soul, mind and body.... and those things are sacred to us, and not to be shared with others.

 

I have had more than twice as many partners as my bf, but that is my past and does not have anything to do with the way I feel about my bf now. It is not a contest... it does not make me feel better, or somehow superior, to my bf that I was with more men that he was with women. At the end of the day I do not look at the notches on my bedpost and feel triumphant, in fact, I would have preferred to find him sooner then to emotionally and physically invest myself in other relationships, sexual or otherwise, and I am elated to say he is the last person I will ever sleep with... because I love him and feel that love in return and we wouldn't want it any other way.

 

Because when you cheat on your partner, when you give your body to someone else, when you lie, hide, risk the health of, trust of, love of and deceive someone you claim to love- there is no moving forward with the relationship. The bottom line is, you can't have it both ways. If you are uncomfortable with her past- leave her and let someone love her for who she is- not what she did before she ever met you.

 

Why is the number of partners you have had sexually, more important to you than this girl who has devoted herself to you, heart, mind, body, and soul for six years?

[lunatic]

If the family car is damaged by one partner it is usually best to get it mended rather than damage it on the other side to make it even.

 

 

OMG DN that is the best quote! As it holds true in many other circumstances too. I am going to use that one in the future. lol

[Jodiegirl]

What your girlfriend did in her past, before you, you cannot hold against her. You WERENT there and you have no right.

HOWEVER, I am of the thinking that when you get in a serious relationship, YOU MUST tell whom you are with about your past. Im from the college- if you can't share your past, you have no history.

HOWEVER, perhaps after your girlfriend got with you, she realized of course she lied, and didn't want you to think any less of you so she never told you until now, now at a point in your relationship where she feels in her heart you wont hold her sexual past against her.

IF you CHEAT on her while with her, thats a whole new different ball game. Whats going to be your excuse when she finds out? And she will. Sorry. And she's feel it. Yes she will. Again, sorry.

Would you want her cheating on you? If you want a "few more experiences" and this woman has been failthful to you, theres only one thing you should do- and thats let her go, because you can't give her what she deserves.

I'd try talking to her about this, instead of doing something like this.

[Smile_83]

I personally think that if you love her and want to be with her, you shouldn't cheat. You mentioned that she had a one night stand, but that was before you were with her. I think that if you do cheat, sooner or later she will find out, and that's the reality. Ask yourself if you're willing to jeopardize your happy relationship just to feed your curiosity.

[littlemsred]

I really dislike the suggestion that your girlfriend has done something bad in her past. All your girlfriend did was tell you at the beginning of your relationship that she had slept with less men than she actually had.

 

Your girlfriend probably lied to you about the number of men she has slept with because:

 

1) Society has double standards about male and female promiscuity;

2) She sensed the importance this had for you and lied to protect your feelings;

3) She thought it was unimportant and that if the relationship became long term you would grow up and get over it.

 

It is ridiculous to act like your girlfriend has been lying to you for six years. If you asked her every day over those six years how many people she had slept with, then she lied to you for six years. Otherwise, she actually lied to you once at the beginning of your relationship when she had no idea that the relationship would continue six years into her future. Unfortunately for your girlfriend, it seems she was wrong to expect that you would mature enough to get past your need to wear the crown for notches on the bedpost.

 

You've obviously justified infidelity to yourself, and nothing anyone here has said about the immorality and stupidity of that has had any effect on you, but you can't just say that no one here will sanction your cheating because they don't want it on their conscience. If it makes no difference that people here disapprove of what you're thinking of doing, what difference would it make if someone here did approve!?

 

You have no choice but to make a choice between the girlfriend you love and the tally of your sexual experiences. You can choose your number of sexual experiences over your girlfriend, by leaving and/or cheating on her; or you can choose her. It's up to you.

[Blured]

If you cheat, your throwing away 6 years with this girl just to pump up your ego.

[ycmanvs]

I have been on both sides of this situation. I am about 10 years older than you. Here is a suggestion. Please do not take it as an insult. It would help if you talked to a therapist about your situation. You need to really analyze the reasons for your feelings. Even couples therapy might benefit you. There is no easy answer for what you are going through. On the one hand, you feel as if you need more experience, and on the other hand, you fear losing the relationship you have.

[Jake1979]

Quote: 'You've obviously justified infidelity to yourself, and nothing anyone here has said about the immorality and stupidity of that has had any effect on you, but you can't just say that no one here will sanction your cheating because they don't want it on their conscience. If it makes no difference that people here disapprove of what you're thinking of doing, what difference would it make if someone here did approve!? '

 

It probably wouldnt make a big difference either way- I know I would answer the way most other people have because no-one thinks its a good thing to cheat but for whatever reasons the reality is a lot of people do it (you dont think it says something that 95% of people say they would never do it but 20% of people have?) so there must be reasons behind it and perhaps people need to learn from their mistakes to become more mature? I am just asking opinions-I appreciate them all and I have taken them in, I thought there might be someone out there that had/does feel the same way who could tell me whether it actually helped them get over things in some way (either as the push to end the relationship or as a way that helped them get over things). No disrespect to anyone but I really do understand all of the reasons why I shouldnt be bothered about these things, and I know I am not being totally reasonable and would hate it if things were the other way around- but it doesnt change the fact that I am still bothered by these things and cant seem to be happy in myself anymore, I cant leave her but cant be comfortable with the past so am a bit stuck so looking answers or useful advise from people who have been in this situation or can emphasise or make me think differently rather than many of the posts which seem to just say how I am so out of line to even be thinking these things- it doesnt really help, I understand why its morally wrong but want to know if it could be an answer to things or how I can get over stuff.

 

 

I have been on both sides of this situation. I am about 10 years older than you. Here is a suggestion. Please do not take it as an insult. It would help if you talked to a therapist about your situation. You need to really analyze the reasons for your feelings. Even couples therapy might benefit you. There is no easy answer for what you are going through. On the one hand, you feel as if you need more experience, and on the other hand, you fear losing the relationship you have.

 

Totally true, I never thought that I would ever need therapy but am getting a bit obsessed with this and cant see an easy way through it so probably will have to go if nothing changes soon.

[annie24]

I think therapy can be very helpful. they can help you see things in a way that neither you or us could think of. maybe they may help you come to a resolution with this issue. I would definitely recommend it.

 

if you are in school, your university may offer counseling sessions for free. you should take advantage of it. I have gone for even lesser issues, like fear of flying, which they helped me a lot with.

[ycmanvs]

"...Totally true, I never thought that I would ever need therapy but am getting a bit obsessed with this and cant see an easy way through it so probably will have to go if nothing changes soon...."

 

About 8 years ago I was dating someone with less experience then me. We went to couples therapy and talked about it. We ended up breaking up. He ended up getting married to someone else. We are still friends.

I can tell you that until you are happy with who you are as a person (that includes your experience, or lack of it as the case may be), you are not going to fill satisfied in this relationship or any relationship....

So do what you have to do...but do not lie to your girlfriend about it...if you two get through this period...you will get through anything.

[robowar]

That was a pretty blunt post by silky, but maybe it's what you need to hear. If cold, hard common sense won't do it for you, then you've obviously got a deep-rooted jealously problem and I agree with one of the above posters who suggested therapy.

[New_Horizons]

Actually I completely understand where you are coming from, Jake. It's an ego and self esteem-related issue and there is nothing wrong in feeling this way. Of course some guys don't consider their girlfriend's past important but you and I do. However I wouldn't advise cheating on her. If you are unhappy with this relationship, why not break up with her and get your sexual experience to your heart's content? Maybe you'll regret it later. Maybe not. I don't know. But I can definitely relate to it because I am a virgin and I absolutely dread-dread-dread the thought of getting into a permanent relationship with a non-virgin. It just WON'T WORK. It's not compatible. Either I have to find a virgin, or lose my virginity and then find a non-virgin. Anyway, that's MY problem. So really you have 2 choices, break up to satisfy the ego, or change the very nature of the ego. I know from experience they are both hard choices.

[Siriana]

Hey, you are constantly saying that if things don't get better soon you will go to therapy - you are saying that for way toooo long! What are you waiting - you are already in this mess for months! Pick yourself up from that chair infront of your computer and go to make an appointment. You're just venting and you're not doing anything constructive with your problem. It is selfish toward your girlfriend and irresponsible toward your relationship. And a pretty bad way of dealing with life, because this is just one of the problems you're going to have in life, and if you think the right way how to solve your problems is thinking about them and pretending you're doing something and staying at one place, than you're in a lot of trouble.

 

You are behaving as irresponsible and immature person.

[jezille]

What does one more body help? If you love her then dont do it, it only hurts rather than cure would you want her to do this to you?

[sunflowerEyes]

Well Jake, let me tell you a little something. I know where you're coming from. No, I'm not a guy, BUT, i UNDERSTAND your point of view. I see your rationalizations. The thing is this, my bf is in the same boat as you. I have had more sexual partners than him and he's REAlly insecure about it. He wants to do the same thing you're doing minus the cheating. Instead he's most likely going to leave me to get more "experience". Well, let me tell you a little something from the girl's perspective. IT {Mod Edit} HURTS! It's nauseating in every way possible. You think YOUR self-esteem is hurt by the fact that she has had more sexual experience than you? Try having the person who says he "loves you more than anything" have a desire to sleep with other people to "even things out". Yea, i would say that that lowers self esteem too! I feel like I'm not good enough, not sexy enough, not good enough in bed, not loved enough - despite everything he tells me. The fact that he wants other people is enough to make me believe those things.

If you truly love this girl.. you will not put her through this.

I know you feel, u have a need to boost your ego and to even out the playing field but.. how many more partners will it take to satisfy you?

Are you expecting her to just be there waiting for you?

Even if she lied to you, is that reason enough to hurt her so badly?

Are you going to punish her for decisions she made before you were together?

You need to man-up and get a hold of yourself.

Stop thinking with you little head and start thinking with your heart.

If love is what's driving you... tell me this.. what kind of loves leads you to a disaster of the kind you are suggesting?

What kind of love are you giving by purposely hurting your girlfriend of 6 years to feed your ego?

I know you say that you want to do it to get it out of your system, i understand that.. but.. are you really going to get rid of that feeling?

How can you be sure that feeling will go away?

***What you CAN be sure of, is that if you DONT do this, you will have a long and happy relationship with a girl that loves you to death and is faithful and wonderful. ***

I'd say that that's pretty damn good incentive to fix yourself by means of *internal* exploration and soul searching. If you have the power to get over this, you will definitely look back and say "Hey, that was really stupid of me to think that.. wow.. im an {Mod Edit}"

In order for this soul searching to have any effect, you have to stop being so defensive and look at things from the outside in. Thinking not of your excuses and uncertainties, but of things that you KNOW will happen. (Long happy relationship vs. not sure if sleeping with other people will satisfy u)

 

But, if you honestly CAN'T change this feeling, then, my friend, you must face the fact that you are not going to be able to mature in a relationship. So, you shouldn't be in one. You can then go out, do what u gotta do, and then after a while, when you're ready, you can contact your girl and see if anything could ever work out again.

I'm not saying there's any guarantees that she will come back.. i mean, i dont know if i'm goin to come back to my guy if he does this to me, but, anything's possible.

On a last note, just be honest.. not only to your girlfriend, but to yourself. Don't see yourself as a victim, and dont see your girlfriend as a bad person. Honesty is what's going to help you out in the end. Whatever comes of honesty is what's going to be right.

 

Btw, i do know what your girlfriend is feeling because i also lied to my bf in the past so i know that the anger does fuel the situation. I found out from that mistake that dishonesty will not heed a good outcome. But i don't think it fair what he is doing to me... same goes for you.

 

please read and re-read all that i have said. I'm someone coming from the opposite side of your situation. I know you've mentioned in your posts that everyone keeps talking about your girlfriend's point of view, and that's what i'm doing i know, but im not going to sit here and tell u about #'s not mattering. I just want u to know what it is that she is/will be going through. and telling you to be honest.

 

good luck, please consider wat i said.

keep us posted.

 

[tamara78]

Oh my Gosh, I nearly fell of my chair when I read this post. This is exactly the same as what my boyfriend (now ex) has done to me. He is also 25 and I am his first serious relationship, although we were together for 2 years and hence he did have time beofre me to experience other girls if he wanted to. He also said he loved me, knew that I was perfect for him, I was his best friend, someone he trusted the most, blah, blah, blah BUT I had more experience then him and he felt he needed to experience more. We broke up a few times but always kept getting back together and our relationship truly was wonderful. In the end, he did what you did, left me cold heartedly to have sex with random girls. I am devastated. We had the same talks as you and your girl did, and I let him go because I realised that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who feels this way. There is no way he will find another good relationship or anything like him and I had because the relationship or I was not the problem - the problem was him. Everything we shared was perfect, our chemistry was fantastci and it just escapes me that he did this, despite everything we had, to sleep wtih someone who is just so random. And let me tell you this - whilst I understand your rationale, you will find that sex is just sex, it has no meaning without emotion - you will come to your senses within a year or two and then realise you made the biggest mistake of your life. By then she will be gone and you will be left wondering for the rest of your life. Makes me so upset to type this!

[bms85]

I can try to understand where you are coming from but have never had this problem. I too would want to know what is out there if I had only been with a couple girls. But having lost count when I was 16 (long story short I met a nymph at 13) I can tell you if your looking for the excitement of one night stands or no strings attached sex, its very short lived and wont keep you happy long. Sex is always better when you love your partner. Before you go betraying anyone’s trust knowing you will feel guilty maybe you should try explaining your situation to your current girlfriend and tell her you really do need a break. Part on good terms so once you realize it wasn’t worth it you have a slight chance of coming back to her