Jake1979

Of course its wrong, so are lots of thing in life and its a very simplistic view to just say its wrong and you wouldnt do it, and as these are your current views anyone who does something opposing them must thereforeeee be a bad person. People do things for many different reasons- some of which you only understand if they happen to you personally, not everyone is perfect or has the same values, people make bad choices in life- it doesnt nesecerrily make them bad people. At the heart of cheating it is a selfish (often spontenious) and cowardly thing done by people who are often insecure or have other problems in life, obviously it is best to just leave a relationship if you want to sleep with other people. It has the potential to really hurt others- but its not somthing usually done with the intention of hurting anyone else. Do you reckon these are fitting?: Sin: Punishment in Hell Pride: Broken on the Wheel. Envy: Placed in freezing water. Wrath: Dismembered Alive. Sloth: Thrown in Snake Pits Greed: Put in pots of boiling oil. Gluttony: Forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes. Lust: Smothered in Fire and Brimstone

Quote: 'You've obviously justified infidelity to yourself, and nothing anyone here has said about the immorality and stupidity of that has had any effect on you, but you can't just say that no one here will sanction your cheating because they don't want it on their conscience. If it makes no difference that people here disapprove of what you're thinking of doing, what difference would it make if someone here did approve!? ' It probably wouldnt make a big difference either way- I know I would answer the way most other people have because no-one thinks its a good thing to cheat but for whatever reasons the reality is a lot of people do it (you dont think it says something that 95% of people say they would never do it but 20% of people have?) so there must be reasons behind it and perhaps people need to learn from their mistakes to become more mature? I am just asking opinions-I appreciate them all and I have taken them in, I thought there might be someone out there that had/does feel the same way who could tell me whether it actually helped them get over things in some way (either as the push to end the relationship or as a way that helped them get over things). No disrespect to anyone but I really do understand all of the reasons why I shouldnt be bothered about these things, and I know I am not being totally reasonable and would hate it if things were the other way around- but it doesnt change the fact that I am still bothered by these things and cant seem to be happy in myself anymore, I cant leave her but cant be comfortable with the past so am a bit stuck so looking answers or useful advise from people who have been in this situation or can emphasise or make me think differently rather than many of the posts which seem to just say how I am so out of line to even be thinking these things- it doesnt really help, I understand why its morally wrong but want to know if it could be an answer to things or how I can get over stuff. Totally true, I never thought that I would ever need therapy but am getting a bit obsessed with this and cant see an easy way through it so probably will have to go if nothing changes soon.

You don't think it could be a sign that he is not ready for you to be the last person he ever sleeps with, he wants to sleep with others (not have relationships) but does not want to split up with you, he is not comfortable with his past or yours and did it as a possible means of changing that and then moving forward with the relationship. Lots of people are caught cheating and the relationship gets through it, sometimes it is just something that people feel they need to do to get things out of their system and move forwards. 95% of people say they would never cheat but 20% of people have done it (and I am sure that would be much higher if everyone had the opportunity at the right/wrong time). What I am saying is obviously you will say 'its the wrong thing to do- I would never do it' but people do do it in certain situations and certain times in their lives, does it make them bad people, or just ultimatly insecure people who need reassurance?

All true, but this is in a way what I am saying- its all very well for people to say 'I have been with a lot of people before and many didnt mean much to me and now I am happy to be with my partner and no-one else' -This is the way my girlfriend feels but the fact is I have not been with many other people and feel like I need to before I can fully realise I dont want to be with anyone else and be happy in myself. I just think it isnt something you can be told- you have to learn for yourself. At the moment I have bitterness that I didnt know the truth for years and now am well into this relationship before finding out she has been with lots of people (including relevant things I cant just forget about). I had put thoughts of me not having been with many people to the back of my head because I believed the same was for her, now I know this isnt the case I am not happy with my or her past, I dont want to split up with her but if I had known things from the start I would have either left her because I wasnt ready for this relationship or would have dealt with it from then, to have to deal with it this far into the relationship I just cant- I cant leave her because I know she is the person I would love to spend the rest of my life with but cant stay with her and be happy with the past- this would always be an issue for me. Sleeping with other women just seems to me like it could be a solution- I wouldnt care about how many people either of us had been with because I would realise how meaningless a one night stand can be and how lucky I am to have what I have and not want to sleep with anyone else. -I know I should just feel that anyway but months of trying to I havnt been able to convince myself.

All true- I won't cheat; perhaps if I convince myself she has said I can thereforeeee am not cheating- but I think the fact it would have to be something behind her back she never knows about would mean it has the same effect as cheating. I will give it more time and will go to counseling if I cant get it out of my head. Thanks for the responses.

Yes And I think rather than maturing to different people we have grown together and now want the same things in life- I just feel that I cant get over her history (it seems too relevant what with the thing with my colleague a couple of days before we were together) and am now not happy with my history. By staying with her I will never be able to look back on that aspect of the past with fond memories, but I know leaving her would do nothing to make it better- but I would be able to be with other people and one day it will all be in the past as an ex and I will be happy that I feel I have been with enough people and am comfortable with the amount my girlfriend has been with. I just cant face the fact I am going to have to leave her because something as stupid as this is such a big issue for me- I know I will regret doing it but cant make myself be fine with things. I guess cheating seems like one last possible way out to make me not be so bothered with the past. It seems to follow a bit of a twisted logic but basically I am bothered with the amount of experiences I have had when compared to my girlfriend, I am bothered that she was able to mislead me about things she knew mattered to me, we are years into an otherwise brilliant relationship and I feel now that we are too far down the line for me to leave her over things that did/didnt happen before we were together, I know I dont want a relationship with anyone else but can't be happy with things staying the way they are now. If no-one thinks that me sleeping with someone else will in any way help lessen any of these feelings (not just because you are thinking in terms of my girlfriend if she found out- even she has said 'just go and do it' because its obviously what I need to do before I can hopefully get over things) then I wont do it and will have to break up with her instead- which she has said we will not be getting back together if that is the case.

No not especially- I am assuming that this scenario is perhaps quite common and would like to hear about others experience and if it has ever helped anyone. There have been some really useful answers but they seem to be things from a slightly different perspective like people leaving the person they love so they can be with more people then later regretting it or people being with lots of others and now not bothered what they or their partner has done before. -In a way these reinforce my argument that I would be a fool to leave her and that I need to learn that the amount of people someone has slept with really does not matter- I have tried to think that for months and forget about the past but just cant- it seems like it is just one of those things you need to find out for yourself.

I am still in 2 minds, and it is probably true that I have felt gradually as it became more obvious we might be together forever that the only downside to that is that I am going to have a problem in that I wont feel like I have been with many people- to then find out she has been with lots more than I thought and with this colleague of mine tipped me over the edge. -mainly due to the anger of being misled when she knew this could do this to me and so decided it was for her to not tell me- I think if she knew things could affect me this way then she should have told me before, now its so far into the relationship it seems totally unreasonable for me to split up or cheat over things that happened so long ago. She said I could go and do what I want if it will get me past this - although I know she would be devistated to know I actually did it so it would feel like cheating because I would always need to keep it from her even if I didnt need to lie about it. Is there anyone out there who has been through this and it has worked out as I have rationalised it? I know people would naturally take things from my girlfriends perspective and say if I have such a problem I should leave her, but after months of not being able to do that it seems like this is an option- if nothing else it will be the thing that pushes us to finish the relationship or it might make me more comfortable with our pasts and be able to move on?

Edit- have just read the whole thread so forget what I put here earlier!

Thanks everyone- all that advise looks very sensible and is probably exactly what I would say to someone but to be honest I don't think it has really helped me think differently. I am sure the amount of people you have been with doesnt matter to most- but the people who are giving this advise are people who have done it so it must have mattered to them at some time, I think its something you have to learn yourself and can not be told otherwise if you happen to have a problem with it. And likewise being told the amount your partner has been with and what they have done before being with you doesnt matter is just a matter of opinion- some people are very bothered knowing their partner has been with a lot of people (and to be honest I know people who have slept with girls but not wanted long term relationships with them for this very reason- double standards I know but human nature?), if they are bothered then it must matter to the relationship. Quote: Originally Posted by shes2smart Heck, by the time you get to my age, it's not a matter of figuring out IF they have baggage...it's figuring out HOW MUCH baggage they have, and if it matches your baggage. -Yes well that sort of reinforces my point, I thought our baggage was compatable for the forst 6 years and now know that it is not- but am this far into a good relationship that we cant split up but I cant change the baggage or be fine with it, so what to do?- change my baggage? Quote: i dated a man for 5 and half years..the BEST guy you could ever ask for.... that was over 10 years ago..i have YET to find someone or have a relationship like i had with him. Why did we break up? I wanted to date other people..i wanted to experience dating other people...well..now i have - whoopty doo. lol -Again, I totally understand this which is why I feel I cant leave her, but like you felt you needed to be with more people so do I- I realise I dont want to actually have a relationship with anyone else but just want to have slept with more people before I can be completely comfortable with myself moving forward in this relationship Leaving her really doesn't seem an option- we have nearly split up so many times and both just realise that we should be together- but I still have this problem with the amount she has been with/lied to me about and the thing with my coleague to make it all seem relevant and I just cant seem to get over it but cant leave her. If I knew from the start I would have dealt with things from then (either decide I am not ready for this relationship because this will become an issue or decide to be fine with it) but 6 years down the line I feel trapped to do anything now- we have grown too close for me to be able to leave her but this is too much of an issue for me to be fine with it. She said if its really what I need to do then go and do it now- just dont go feeling guilty and telling her about it later and dont do it again after the one time. If I dont realise the error of my ways and never want to do it again then we must split up. I know it sounds twisted but I want to do something that I know I will always regret- that way I will know I don't want to be with anyone else, that the amount anyone has been with really doesnt matter. -I guess to anyone reading this could be going down the completely wrong track and wont actually make anything better but I have sort of convinced myself it is a way of sorting this out?

Thank you everyone for every reply- I know I seem to be arguing back but your views are all much appreciated, I am going to print this off and have a good think about it all. I am going home now- (spent far too long writing all this at work!). In all honestly I dont think I could bring myself to cheat but need to find some way to get over this without leaving her- its gone on for too long now and is destroying both of us. Any more comments would be great, I will have a look back over it on monday. Cheers

Yeah it is weird, its not really about having better sex or not, so it probably wouldnt make a difference. Its about being okay with the amount of people she has been with- something I cant change and don't seem to be able to change my feelings over. I just think that by sleeping with someone else I will be able to forgive (probably not the right word because I know her sleeping with people before we were together isnt something she did in order to hurt me- but fact is that it has) what she has done and be fine to move on with the relationship because I would know that a one night stand or previous relationships are not such a big deal- I dont think I can convince myself that until I know it myself, its not one of those things you can be told 'I slept with loads of people and it isnt worth it' isnt something that you can relate to if you feel you havnt slept with many people (exactly the argument between me and her- so do I need to do this to be able to relate and be fine with it?) . QUOTE 'Also, I must admit I am that kind of person who couldn't settle before experiencing several partners. I really couldn't. And I disagree with cheating part. Guess why? Because I decided to be single and to have fun. You can't have it all. You need to make a choice.' - yes I agree, I didnt think about the relationship going on forever right from the start- it just happened without thinking I want a long term thing or not, I wanst comfortable with the amount of people I had been with but made myself fine with it because of the impression she gave of her past, I thought she is in the same boat and if she loves me enough to not want to be with anyone else then so can I.- Now I know she had actulally slept with lots of other people (even someone a few days before we were together) I am no longer fine with the amount I have been with, but we seem too far down the line and too much in love to split up over this

Oh yeah I do believe that- thats the weird thing, I dont for a minute think I will have a better relationship (sexually or otherwise) with anyone else, the person I could do it with is in no way better than my girlfriend. The only reason would be for the experience of sleeping with someone else, thereforeeee not feeling so bad about either her past or my past and instead feeling guilty for what I have done and being able to realsie what is true which is I am lucky to have what I do and learn that I will not want to be with anyone else or be bothered with how many either of us have been with.

Thanks, every response is very helpful and they all make sense, an I am sure if I was answering I would say the same. (I am 25 by the way) But the reason I put honestly and try put yourself in my shoes to start with is because pretty much no-one ever wants it on their concience that they advised someone to cheat. Does no-one agree with the logic that the main reason I feel so bad about what my girlfriend has done is because I have not been with many people and I have always wanted to be with more but made myself fine with things because I thought she had been with the same (I know counting numbers like this is selfish and immature- but just because it doesnt matter to you doesnt mean it does not matter to everyone). Isnt this exactly the reason why people end relationships when they say they are not ready for the commitment? -in other words the relationship might be great but they are not ready to be able to handle the fact they have slept with that amount of people each and dont want to be tied to that one person even though they love them they are just not ready for it.- I would have probably said this 6 years ago if I hadnt been lied to but now it seems too far down the line for that . Now I am not fine with the past and there is nothing I can change, but I dont want to leave her, it seems my options are: 1. Deal with it and stay with her- I have tried for months but however much people tell me that makes sense I just don't feel it and cant make myself fine with things. 2. End the relationship/split up for a while- We have tried this but not lasted more than a weekend as we both know how much we love each other and don't want to have a relationship with anyone else. 3. Cheat- There are all of the possible bad things as mentioned in other peoples posts but also the possibility of it making me feel less bothered with her past, more happy with the amount I have been with, guilty with myself and able to put all this in the past as a foolish selfish thing I had to do in order to be know in myself that I am now fine to move on in the relationship.

Thanks everyone, to be honest I have had the opportunity to cheat since I found things out and I didnt take it, I have had the opportunity to spend time apart but didnt take it, I want to stay with my girlfriend and be fine with everything but after months of giving it more time I still obsess over it because the thing with my friend is too close to home- I then think about other stuff and just can't seem to put things in their place in the past. I dont feel happy with myself anymore and surely that is no way to be in a relationship. I think we will be fine, I do really love my girlfriend but really hate what she did just before meeting me, not sure what to do really becuase time doesn't seem to be helping, I dont want to leave her, I dont want to cheat but I cant get over this. Perhaps I just have to face the uncomfortable truth that I will have to leave the person I love due to my immature insecurities.

Thanks for the responses, mush appreciated, but here are my arguments to them!: 'it doesn't matter how many people others have slept with in my opinion.If women knew just half the number of women i've slept with i'm pretty sure i'd never ever ever get a date.' - well that sort of contradicts itself- in your opinion it doesnt matter how many people someone has slept with (but for me it does) but you say if women knew how many you had been with they wouldnt want to be with you- which is exactly what I am saying in opposite, I havnt been with many and cant handle the fact my partner has been with so many. 'I'd work on the relationship, notches on the bed post count for nothing, take it from someone that knows.' - exactly, this is only something someone can know whan they have done it, I need to do it to be able to ephasise with my girlfriend and be fine with what she has done. 'The fact that she lied to you is separate from your desire to cheat, You want an excuse to cheat on her, If her lying to you is too much of a roadblock to move on, Then you should end the relationship and THEN do as you please.' - it is a combination of being lied to and not being comfortable with what I now know as her past- it is too much for me to take but we are now too far down the line in the relationship to want to split up, if I knew from the start I would have probably dealt with it or said its too soon for me to have this serious relationship because this is an issue for me, being told years down the line doesnt give me that option. 'You asked for honesty.......lol' -yes, I have had these discussions with my girlfriend and always been totally honest, I would not tell her if I cheated but would not lie about it unless I felt she wanted me to Why is the number of people you have been with so important to you? - I cant answer that, it never was but is now- male pride I guess, and a bit of jealousy 'I think your real problem is that your manhood has been knocked down a few levels and you don't like the fact that your girl has slept with more people then you have ...so you want to even the score. She didn't cheat on you...she just didn't give you all the details about her past. ' -That is all true but doesnt change the fact that I am no longet confortable being in this relationship where I feel bad about the past, I don't want us to split up but cant get over the past, I have an issue with the amount she has slept with- that cant be changed, I have an issue with the amount I have slept with- that is the only thing that can be changed 'I think what you are about to do is very immature, impulsive and selfish.' -Yes I agree it is immature- I went into the relationship too young and with not enough experience- I wish I had slept with more before we met then I wouldnt have such a big problem with her having done it. Impulsive- no, I have been considering this for months as nothing else seems to be working to get over it. Selfish- yes, but in the end isnt life all about your personall happiness?- if I am never going to be fine with the pasts we both have but cant bring myself to leave her isnt this an option?

Okay I know everyones initial reaction is 'no dont do it- its NEVER worth it' but I am considering cheating for quite specific reasons and think it could actually help my realationship. Please try and put yourself in my position and any honest answers/advise would be much appreciated. I have been with my girlfriend for 6 years, we have always been very compatable and in love and I would love to spend the rest of my life with her. But...I have always had an issue that we met young and I had only been with one person (briefly) before being with her- I felt I would love to be with my girlfriend forever but always wished I had a few more experiences before we met- I got over this by thinking my girlfriend was the same age as me when we met and through conversations we have had over the years has given the impression she had been with a similar amount of people- thereforeeee I thought if she is fine with things then I can get over it and be fine too. However, I found out a few months ago (by asking specifically) that she has actually misled me all this time- she has actually slept with well over 10 people, one of which was a one night stand with one of my colleagues a couple of days before we got together, I worked with this guy for a year and kept in touch- we would go out with him, but nothing was ever said. To find out these things was devistating- I felt misled and had actually been lied to about a few things which through conversations we had she would know I coundnt be fine with. If I had known from the start then perhaps I could have handled it but to find out now I feel cheated and misled. I feel she has been with all of these people and I havn't so feel unequal and no longer fine with my past. If she can sleep with someone she has known for a couple of hours and keep it from me then why can't I do the opposite? I know this sounds bitter and like I am trying to get back at her or find a reason to cheat but honestly we have tried to separate but cant bring ourselves to do it. I cant leave her and dont want a relationship with anyone else, but at the same time I can not be happy with myself or her past while I stay with her- it seems to be a catch 22 that I have tried to give time but still obsess over it all the time. I now have the opportunity to sleep with someone who wants some no strings attached sex, my girlfrend wouldnt find out, I would be more happy with the amount of people i have been with, I would be less bothered by what she has done and I would be able to move on in the relationship and put all this angst behind me- I would feel guilty for what I have done but no longer blaming my girlfriend for things or obsess about our pasts. At the moment we are stuck in limbo- I am not going to ever be okay with my past or hers but we both know we are meant to be together and stay in a relationship forever, we have discussed splitting temporerrily but she said we could never get back together knowing what I would be doing, she has before said 'just do what you have to do but don't go feeling guilty and telling me about it', I think in a way we realise it is what I need to do to get it out of my system but should I do it? Could it actually help save the relationship?