tamara78

Well, speaking from a female perspective - yes, the first kiss is important. Of course, if I like a guy I will not decide against dating him because of a mediocre first kiss, but when that first kiss, that first touch of your lips is nice, it does actually mean a lot. The guy I am dating now actually gave me the best first kiss I ever had and I will not be forgetting that in a long time. So, yes, it is important, but should not be taken as a means to judge how the rest of the relationship will go. Us girls appreciate nice kisses as they mean a lot to us, and if a guy knows how to do it, it makes us think he is more in tune with us.

Hey there, yes it happened to me - long distance break up over an e-mail!! We initially lived together and then had an LDR for almost 2 years. He suddenly grew cold and then broke up with me. He insisted that he cared for me, that I was the most important person in his life and wanted to be friends and "talk" about it all. He also added that there was someone else he liked...As soon as I heard, that was it for me - I turned away and never spoke to him again. Well, he also never spoke to me again, and almost 6 months on, I feel no warmth at all towards him. He was a coward , just like your ex. Hate to say this, but I am pretty sure she has met someone else, she is just too afraid to tell you that. She is trying the whole grass is greener thing and probably knows deep down that you are a great catch and that's why she was asking for a chance in a few years' time. My ex would be the same if he was brave enought to talk to me again (so much for wanting to be friends - ha!) What can I say - leave her alone and move on, if she comes back, she will after a lot of time has passed. Focus on yourself and make sure that *you* are on the road to full recivery. You don't owe her anything and you did nothing wrong - her blaming the distance is an excuse to make you feel guilty and for her to feel better about the break up.

Hey Justified - Tamara just met someone else who is wonderful, but it took a lot of time! You are so right - being friends with the ex kept me from moving on for so long, and in the end I just got fed up with the pain and the constant limbo that I was in. My own happiness mattered more to me than being with him. But it took a lot of time for me to come to that realisation and I can understand Nick when he says that its difficult to follow the advice at this stage. There will come a time Nick, when you will feel that you just have to get away from her - you are not there yet because she hasn't hurt you as much as she potentially can - once she does, (and she will), you will reach the same point as I did when I just said, that's it, no more of this bull*hit. I would just say to her: I love and care for you - do you want to be with me - yes, or no. If she says no or starts to send out confusing signals, let her go and disappear. You see, both my and you ex weren't really sure of their decision because they knew what a great catch we are and by remaining friends they are avoiding the consequences of what they know deep down is a stupid decision. Let her live with it - you just keep away and move on.

Hi Nick, I went through the same thing as you - my ex said I was the most wonderful person he had ever met, his best friend, someone who knew him best and whom he trusted the most and needed in his life. He broke up with me because he wanted to play the field but wanted to stay friends - well, the "friends" turned into us breaking up and getting back together a few times and me thinking that we were the loves of each other lives. In the end, he broke up with me cold heartedly saying he'd met someone else. I felt so betrayed - I have done so much for this guy and given him so much love. Don't hang around - she is keeping you there until she finds someone else and then she'll drop you like a hot potato. Tell her you care and then disappear - its the best you can do, for your sake and hers - you will heal and she will get to see what life without you is like. You need to put a distance between yourselves because it is her who has to realise she WANTS to be with you. Anything less than that is no good. Make her feel the consequences of breaking up with the wonderful person that you are - it may take her years to see what a fool she's been, but trust me, she will always be second guessing her decision if she is saying the truth when she says how much you mean to her. Keep strong.

Wow, Juliana, that was fantastic advice and insight...your posts are great.

Oh yes....sweetie, I have gone through the same thing - exactly the same. My ex and I were together for 18 months - the best relationship ever. I loved him so much and really thought I'd found the one. But as time went on, he felt the urge to date other girls, experiment and so on but always maintained that he just KNEW that he would one day regret it very much if he lost me. He was completely torn between continuing to be with me and dating other girls and I knew that he was genuine when he told me these things. I also know to this day that he does care for me. What happened in the end is probably what will happen to you - he ended it with me to date others. I was devastaed but realised immediately that this is simply something that he has to do and that if we are to have any future together, then I have to let him go and hope that he learns his lesson - its the only way honey, otherwise, he will stick with you for another 6 months, but eventually will leave you for another. He IS immature, probably a lot more than you realise. My advice - have a very sincere talk with him, tell him how you feel, try to ascertain as much as you can, what it is that he wants and then just let him go - full NC. He needs to take this raod and learn and it may take a very long time for him to realise what it is that he had (I know of many guys who did this and it took them usually from 1 to 4 years to learn their lesson). He has to do this in order to appreciate you and treat you the way you deserve. Being friends will be too tough on you, so don't go there. Wish you all the best.

Hello my dear lady friends. This is a great post Selfi, so I thought I'd share my story: 1. How long have you been in NC for? Three and a half months. 2. Are you doing it with hopes to get the ex back? (Thruthfullly) Hmmm...at frist I was so hurt that all I wanted was to feel better - I celarly saw the road ahead - I literally visualised this in my mind and thought that I simply must not look back nor contact him. I just wanted to get back on my feet and not suffer anymore. Now I'm feeling a lot better but I do hope that he will come back. One thing though - having done NC for this long has made me realise that there is nothing I can do to get him back - it has to come from him, and for that to happen, he needs to work on himself, which will take time - so full NC steam ahead. 3. When you were on the verge of breaking NC, what strategie/thought process worked on stopping you from doing so? Same sa above - I kept telling myself that if we are ever to work then he is the one that needs to realise a few things on his own and I knew that this requires a lot of time - months - probably years. I also kept saying to myself that he needs to know what life without me is like - that usually worked. And crying too. 4. Do you generally supress your feelings about the break up to those around you? I try to, but my best friend knows the full story and my every down moment. 5. If you have been to counselling, has it helped? No, no conselling for me. Lots of love to all my fellow sufferes. Tamara

Thank you!

True...Oh, darn it, I guess I'm gonna have to wait and see and hope for the best

Shikashika, you made me laugh!! I don't know either! I am a girl but the reason I said that is that I though a straight guy would not send x's at the end of his e-mails to his male friends, so shy would he send them to a girl??

Sorry Scout, - we have met, were friends a while back but never got together because of bad timing...then lost touch and then started e-mailing again...

Yes Maybe once in 10 days

Tough to say, I would have to go thorugh my inbox and check, but I would say once a week, although we do seem to be e-mailing a lot. The longest we have gone without contact is a few weeks but that was because either one of us was away.

Well, it goes like this - I send an e-mail and then that develops into a conversation that lasts for a few days. I said the other day that my mum had to go to hospital and then he would say, let me know tomorrow how she is - so I e-mail him how she is and then we talk some more. Also, I've been away for a bit and then his response is "long time no hear". So I have no idea! And what is it with little x's at the end of e-mails? Is this usual for guys to put at the end of their e-mails? Surely if a guy is straight, he would not send that to his male friends?

I agree with you Lady Bugg, and that's what's bothering me. because he seems sooo keen at times, but yet rarely initiates anything. I am going to let it go for a bit. Thanks Scout - of course, there is nothing wrong in asking, but I am scared of perhaps overstepping the boundaries! I think I am overanalysing this