Need advice re my wife's bizarre behaviour PLEASE?

[ozomega]

Hi all,

 

Here's a strange one...

 

My wife started wearing her top during sex recently.

At first I didn't mind, thought she was just being a bit kinky or something.

 

Then I noticed she is also wearing her top in the shower afterwards...

VERY STRANGE BEHAVIOUR!

 

Of course she is careful not to get any water on her top half when she does this...

 

I asked my wife "Why are you wearing your top in the shower??!!"

She said, "no reason!"

 

Now I'm getting paranoid that she's hiding something from me...something she doesn't want me to see? It might all be innocent but if this continues what should I do? I don't want to have an argument about this. If I just confront her over it or demand for her to show me what's under her top I risk an argument and looking like a fool if there's nothing there. She will say it's a trust issue, and I promised I would trust her. Is this a set-up to test if I trust her, or is she really hiding something, or is there any other innocent reason she might be doing this? Any ideas what it might be? Any ideas on how best to get a look to see what she's hiding (if anything?!) without causing an argument?

 

Also, (this is very personal but you need to know this so you can understand my concerns) usually my wife prefers to have sex on her back. She often refuses to get off her back even when I say it would be nice to try another position. Since she started wearing the top during sex, my wife insists on turning around "doggy style" and refuses to change position to lie on her back.

 

What I'm thinking is, this means I don't have the opportunity to lift up her top whilst she's lying down, and see what's underneath... The doggy style thing is very unusual for her these days and it's started at the same time as wearing her top during sex...and when showering afterwards. Mere coincidence? Am I being paranoid or am right to be wondering?

 

There has been a history of infidelity on her part and she did once have her ex-boyfriend's name tattooed on her stomach under a love heart (since struck out with a line through it before we got married.) She also has a history of self-harm. She used to cut herself (always on the arms though) when she was having relationship difficulties or depressed. This started at high school and continued til last year. My wife has also been noticeably colder towards me recently for no apparent reason.

 

Thoughts, anybody? This is really driving me mad, please help!

[MythicDawn]

That sounds very abnormal.

 

Do not demand to see what is underneath, you're right she will just pull a... "its just a trust issue"

 

Honestly how long do you see her continuing this behaviour... She can't keep it up for months and if she does I think you have somewhat of a right to demand to know whats going on.

 

Just give it a few more weeks and if she keeps it up just sit down with her and explain that you have notices she has been acting different towards you and that you hope that if something were wrong she could talk it over with you...

 

Just my thoughts...

[EmptySoul]

There's more than one possibility as far as why she's wearing her shirt. I would try to explain to her that it does seem a bit odd that she's wearing her shirt IN THE SHOWER and during sex, and that, since this is different than her usual behavior, you can't help but wonder. Try not to come off as being accusing but simply curious, and maybe she will open up. She's definitly hiding something, but what it is, you can't be sure until you see...

 

-E.

[ozomega]

Thanks Mythic Dawn-you are right, she can't keep it up for months...but she is heading off overseas in a few weeks and maybe she thinks she can keep it up until then...It might be some temporary marks like love bites, or something innocent like a rash...in which case I will never know what (if anything) it was if I don't find out soon. I will always be wondering what she was hiding (if anything)... It will drive me mad. What about saying nothing more about it and just suddenly lifting her top up and having a look next time during sex...when she's least expecting it? I could always say I was just "playing" with her to spice things up...Or could this be construed as constituting an "assault"?

 

What do you guys think? Any more ideas? THANKS HEAPS!

[ozomega]

Anyone got any more ideas or advice? Really need some ideas?

[Bethany]

The very fact she is going to bizarre lengths to keep 'something' from you is making her look guilty. I would be concerned.

 

But I would be concerned that she is hiding something sinister like breast cancer. People react in strange ways, so I think you should proceed lightly and in a concerned manner until you find out otherwise.

 

But I would insist on her showing you, you are her husband and IF there is something sinister, you need to know.

 

And if she brought up the trust issue, I would say it's because you're worried by her strange behaviour and are worried that something is wrong and that you are more concerned about this than about the fact she may have cheated and make this clear.

 

What you discover may not be anything sinister but as her husband, she needs to come clean and I think you need to know.

[maasikus]

hmmm...how about gifting her nice(and super skimpy) lingerie and asking her if she could model it. But of course she will get suspicious if this is the 1st time u are doing it...

[DBL]

She is probably sleeping with someone else. I wouldn't tolerate what you are going through. If I can't trust a girl, then she has to go..there are no second chances. I would tell her drop the top or get out. Don't let her walk on you like that.

 

DBL

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Then I noticed she is also wearing her top in the shower afterwards...

VERY STRANGE BEHAVIOUR!

 

Was she expecting you see her in the shower? Was she delibrately and specifically hiding it from YOU? Or herself as well is what I'm wondering?

 

I mean, if she was there alone would she take her top off in the shower?

 

If not its more likely to be something she doesnt like about herself.

[ozomega]

Oh my God Bethany, I am such a goose! I think you might be right.

2 years ago my wife had a lump on her left breast.

She had to have it drained.

I don't know if it was cancerous, she didn't tell me much about it.

She doesn't like to talk about it.

 

But I know a guy who works at the hospital (I meet a lot of people through

my job) and he told me that my wife's condition could be serious and

she hadn't returned for her followup checks. I asked her the other day if

she had gone back for the followup checks (this was after the shower incidents) and she said "no." I said I thought she should go and have some followup checks and cost wasn't an issue, and she said "NO!" in a very definite voice, so I didn't pursue it.

 

Bethany I think you may have hit the nail on the head with the breast cancer hypothesis. And I will try your strategy. I'll tell her I'm concerned she might have a problem with her breast that needs treatment. She is very body proud, she's got the most beautiful body and she knows it, and she would baulk at a masectomy I know that. She would rather die. This could also explain why she is depressed and why when I try to get her input on plans for the future such as having kids (which she wanted before) she always says "we could both be dead tomorrow." (I have a dangerous job.)

 

I think subconsciously I'd felt that something wmay be wrong with her breast, hence my conversation with her the other day. But I hadn't consciously connected this with the "wearing her top in the shower" thing. (We often shower together.) This could explain everything. Now I'm hoping it IS a tattoo or bite marks-anything other than breast cancer. I will follow Bethany's advice and raise the issue in relation to my concerns about her breast condition. Does anyone know what are the external signs of possible breast cancer that I should be looking for?

[Bethany]

link removed

 

This is the only time I have EVER hoped a woman HAS cheated on her husband. In fact I pray she has.

 

Keep us posted and use this site as support which ever way it goes.. Good luck my friend.

[annie24]

where did you guys come up with that? if a woman wears her top in the shower, she must be cheating?

 

maybe she is back to self-injuring, and did something on her chest, but went too deep or the scar is still showing, so she doesn't want you to know about it.

 

I agree with the first poster, you should talk to her and see what is going on with her these days...

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I suspect self harm scars.

 

Unfortunately, there is no way in which you can reveal it without incurring her wrath for invasion of personal space etc.

 

Try bringing up, subtely, a discussion on self harm and see how she reacts?

[Aurian]

If she brings up trust-issues, then you can tell her that she is not trusting YOU by hiding this. And if she is unable to trust you, then you are left to worry about her.

[ozomega]

Thanks Aurian! That's what I'll say if she brings up trust - "by hiding this

you are not trusting me." That's a great response!

 

Tomorrow morning if this continues I am going to bring this up

from the perspective that I'm concerned for her welfare. If she still

refuses to let me see what she's hiding and accuses me of not trusting her, then I will say "YOU are not trusting ME by hiding this and I'm being left to worry because of your strange behaviour and because you don't trust me enough to let me know what you are hiding."

 

If she STILL won't be forthcoming and either tell me or show me what's

wrong, I will tell her "Whaever it is I won't be angry if you are honest

about it, I'll just be relieved if it's nothing serious. But I WILL be angry and worried if you don't let me know what the problem is - because that would make me feel you don't trust me or respect me enough to share this with me. And I would have to assume the worst case scenario, which is probably much worse than whatever it is that you don't want me to see."

 

I feel that hiding something like this is almost the same as lying to me.

 

If my wife is STILL not forthcoming I will have to really lay it on the line and say, "this is really worrying me. Either the top goes or you go, because I won't allow you to worry me like this." I think she will go before the top goes, but at least I will have set my boundary.

[Belgian girl]

I think if it was my relationship, I would have the right to know and that there should be trust and no secrets.

[annie24]

If my wife is STILL not forthcoming I will have to really lay it on the line and say, "this is really worrying me. Either the top goes or you go, because I won't allow you to worry me like this." I think she will go before the top goes, but at least I will have set my boundary.

 

this is very harsh. just ask her what is going on, don't make threats.

 

I hope it goes ok!

[Belgian girl]

I ask myself if the rest of the relationship is OK b/c otherwise it would be more easy something like this I think

[ozomega]

Today is the day! Thanks to everyone for their advice and I'll let you know how it goes...

[melrich]

Go to admit I am intrigued to know. My guess is recent self harm. Be careful.

[ozomega]

Well it's getting curiouser and curiouser!

 

I did my best, made some progress but most of my carefully rehearsed intentions went out the window and I still don't have a definite answer for my wife's behaviour...though I think I'm getting closer to finding out the answer to the mystery. Read on!

 

Today, upon being presented with the opportunity I'd been waiting for, I asked my wife "Would you take your top off for me?" (that way of asking was suggested in the book 'Men are from Mars Women are from Venus.')

 

She said, "No. I'm cold." (I don't think it's particularly cold today but I didn't want to argue with her. The book says don't argue if you get a refusal, just accept it graciously.)

 

So I agreed with her. I said, "You are right. It IS a bit cold. I think I'll put my top on too."

 

SO I put my top on too, we had sex-same as before, she turned around 'doggy style' AGAIN (unusual for her) so I had no possibilty in that position to lift up her top to see what's underneath on her front side(not that I would have tried to lift her top anyway-that would just have given her the right to accuse me of 'invading her personal space' and would have created an excuse for an argument.)

 

During the sex at one point she said, "come on!" (translation: "get it over with as quickly as possible!") That made me feel terrible of course.

 

Afterwards, she had a shower - WITH her top on again! I went in the shower too (it's not unusual for us to get in the shower together.) She had pulled up her top to just above her breasts as she showered. I had a quick look - being careful not to LOOK as if I was looking for something. I couldn't see anything unusual from the quick cursory look I had - no new marks visible, no new tattoos that I could see, nothing else that looked wrong, her breasts looked the same as ever. The only bit of skin that I couldn't see was from just below her shoulders to the top of her breastsjust above the nipples. So if she IS hiding something from me that's where it must be-in that area.

 

In the car later I asked my wife why she seems so sad and withdrawn, and mentioned how worried I was, and she said, "nothing." I said, "Well I know something's wrong. Is it me? Is it something wrong at work? What's wrong?"

 

She said, "I'm just tired of this life."

I said, "well what do you want?"

She said, "I don't know."

I said, "You have so many opportunities. There's that course you said you wanted to do part time next year so you can get that job you've always wanted. You can have a wonderful life. I can help you. I already got the application forms for you. You didn't fill them in yet. I want you to fulfil your dreams and be happy. But nobody can do it all for you. You have to make it happen for yourself."

 

She said, "Why are you worried about me then? It's MY life."

I said, "Yes, it's YOUR life but I don't want to see you sad like this..."

 

Then I asked her if she'd ever heard the story about 'the happy dog with the bone'? I told her the story (Happy dog has bone. Walks to river. Sees another bone in his reflection in the water. Dog opens mouth, loses both bones. Dog spends rest of life looking for another good bone but never finds one. Dog is now sad. Dog considers himself to have been the victim of bad luck!)

 

She said nothing in response to this story (told in the car.) But she did seem to be listening intently to me, looking straight at me (for a change!) with a curious expression on her face. All she said after I finished the story was "can you drop me in George Street?" So I dropped her in George Street and as she got out of the car she said, "Thank you for that." I said, "You're welcome" and she walked off.

 

Where from here? Still no closer to a definite answer re. the refusing to take her top off but getting closer... (OK I keep coming back to that-but hey it was the reason for the thread, and I AM a man!) Could all this strange behaviour possibly be simply a result of depression and/or lethargy? Or is there something more going on?

 

What about this idea: Putting the heater on next time and making the room toasting hot, so there's no excuse for not taking her top off based on it being 'cold'. (Not that I think for a moment that's the REAL reason for not taking her top off-it wasn't really cold in the room it was as warm as it always was before-and it's definitely not cold in the shower!)

 

Hey just had another horrible thought - Is my wife just trying to provoke an argument so she can use it as an excuse to end the relationship? Is that what all the moping around and not taking her top off in the shower or during sex is all about - to trick me into making a false allegation so she can "blame" me for it? If so, she's failing!

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I know this is perverse- but I think is the most "realtime" thread I've ever been involved in. I'm SO curious and a bit worried to know what's going on.

 

It sounds like you handled yourself really well - so that'a big bonus for you- you're being really clear and open which rocks.

 

I don't think it's a trick to provoke an argument- unless she's very aware the top is an issue. Is it possible she thinks you just want her physically? That's why she's witholding her breasts?

 

Also- just a thought- could be a rash? don't suppose you changed your washing powder or anything? nipples are very sensitive- me AND my girlfriend have had that problem.

 

Anyway all just speculation. Good luck!!!

[rodeo-rider]

Well this is a new one...You have me wondering too. She is YOUR WIFE for god sakes...Ask her why she is hiding her bosom from you. I don't know why people on here want you to "trick " her into talking to you, that is so immature.

 

I am sorry but those suggestions are ridiculous. I have had 2 lumps removed, but I never hid the fact from my husband. Just ask her. If more married couples talked to each other, openly, we would have a lower divorce rate.

 

You have every right to know.

If she has had a lumpectomy, or something similar it would not be unusual for her to feel ugly and want to cover up.

[texami]

wow, i just found this website (still have to look around!), but this was almost the first thread i clicked on.

 

ozomega, i'm sorry about what you're dealing with. you deserve to know, but she does sound like she's in quite a state. i've done some of the same things as your wife... become distant, and even afraid to show my body. my situation was complicated with my husband... lots of issues that made me pull away. also i had gained weight from having kids (although it sounds like your wife hasn't) and i wasn't happy about my situation in general (she said she was tired of her life). but, all i am trying to say is that people go through things and retreat.

 

however, it is very curious... especially since you have asked her outright (my husband didn't). you seem to care deeply, and i hope things work out. for my situation, i had to take charge of my own life and make myself happy again (glad to report that i did!).

 

keep us posted... i'm happy to have found this site!

[Stambler]

ozo,

 

I know it's easier said than done (after all - I am the one afraid to ask my wife what's going on with our relationship for fear that it will further push her away) but I have to admit, if I was faced with your dilemma, I would just say "Why do you wear your top in the shower, I find it very strange..?"

 

She would have to provide some sort of answer, even if it's "I don't want to talk about it".

 

Am I missing something here?