Need advice re my wife's bizarre behaviour PLEASE?

[ozomega]

Guys, I've already tried asking my wife why she started wearing her top in the shower because it seems very strange, and she said, "nothing!" (i.e. no reason!) I'm at my wits end. Like Texami said, I deserve to know the reason. I am her HUSBAND for Chrissakes! But as Camber pointed out, I risk driving her even further away if I push the issue. Concrete advice please?

[ozomega]

I've put an oil column heater in the bedroom, set on high.

It's gonna be damn hot in that room!

 

To recap, my wife said she was "COLD" as an excuse for not taking her top off last time.

 

That excuse won't wash next time-It'll be hotter than the Sahara desert in there!

 

It's going to get unbearably hot in that room and I'm gonna say, "I know you were cold last time darling, and that's why you didn't want to take your top off. So I've made the room nice and warm for you this time. NOW - would you take your top off for me please?"

 

I'll keep you all posted on what happens next!

[melrich]

This is all starting to get a bit like the Coyote and the Roadrunner (beep beep). Seriously you are two mature adults in a marriage.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Yeah it's getting a bit ridiculous. If she won't answer a direct question- you need to rethink why.

 

Removing her justification for keeping the shirt on isnt going to work- she's wearing a shirt in the shower, which is ridiculous so turning up the heat isnt going to help.

 

Have you said- "I'm really hurt and concerned, so much that I cant concentrate on anything, and I'm really worried about you. I cant understand why you keep wearing your top".

 

Something she cant argue with - just your feelings on the situation.

 

If that doesnt work- I would give up and ask one of her friends to intervene or for advice because if she isnt willing to open up to you you cant force it.

[ozomega]

UPDATE

 

One of her friends has just told me my wife has a boyfriend.

She said he is Vietnamese and she told me what street he lives in.

Now what do I do?

[Boughtandpaidfor]

errrrrr...........

She's cheating on you- I would confront her- and since she's not being very nice to you- probably break up with her. That must be a shock.

 

Why did the friend tell you?

 

EDIT= Hang on though- you dont have any proof right? You need better proof than "someone said".

[ozomega]

The friend told me because she was at our wedding - she even hosted the wedding reception at her place for us - and she thinks my wife has treated me badly. I approached this good mutual friend of ours for advice and she broke down and said she couldn't keep protecting my wife any more, she was doing the wrong thing and as her husband I deserved to know. I take this seriously even though it is "hearsay" my wife's behaviour speaks for itself. My wife's friend is a very religious person-she is a strict Muslim and my wife comes from a strict Muslim family too(although she's a bit of a rebel, describing her family disparagingly as "fanatical Muslims.") If my wife's family knew she was cheating on me they would disown her.

 

I agree with Happytown that it's better not to confront my wife directly about her infidelity until I have more proof. Better to keep the conversation to firm grounds-such as how my wife is treating ME, which is not open to dispute. I'm on firm grounds there and it's OUR relationship I'm trying to fix. The other guy is irrelevant really, except I have to do something to make sure my wife knows she cant' get away with this. I wonder what story she's told this guy about us? Does he even know she's married? (Oh and I'll bet she takes her top off for HIM!)

 

My wife's friend is finding out exactly where this guy lives, she's already told me which street he lives in but it's a very big street. When I've found out exactly where he lives and who he is I plan to go around and have a chat with him along the lines of, "You don't know me but I believe you've met my wife!" See what reaction that gets. What do you guys think?

 

EDIT: Another piece of the jigsaw is one time after her behaviour started changing (IE becoming cold to me) my wife said our problems were because I am western and she is asian, and because I am older than her. She also said some disparaging things awbout western people in general, which I found offensive. At the time I ased her,"So do you think a younger Asian man would be a better husband for you?" Apparently this other guy is both - Asian and younger! Could explain a lot, I wonder what bull * * * * this guy has been brainwashing her with?

[texami]

i'm so sorry to hear this news... i don't know how not taking off your top relates to cheating, but the situation seems to have many aspects to it (just like everthing in life!)

 

when you say you are thinking of going to the guy first, my reaction was to be careful about that. first you don't know this guy, he could be dangerous. (sounds paranoid, i know... but you don't know what a guy might do with a HUSBAND on his front step... i don't know how that meeting could possibly go well.)

 

second, you should probably first deal with your wife instead of having her hear that you know through the other man. it will just drive the two of them more together if he is the one to tell her.

 

this is a tough one... hang in there and best of luck.

[annie24]

There is a good book, "never be lied to again" by david lieberman. go check it out, it may have some helpful hints for you.

[Stambler]

ozo (I know, it's "Oz" for Australia and, "Omega" but I like "ozo"!)

 

I agree with texami. I never believed in confronting or blaming the other person. I like to think that adults are not “brainwashed" by others, so I believe the blame falls on the spouse, not the person the spouse is cheating with. Confront you wife first, don't be accusatory, just say "Hey, I heard that you know [boyfriend]..." and wait for her reaction. Then say "I have a suspicion that you like him".

 

My guess (and it is only a guess, I hate when people on this forum tell you flat out what the problem is, as if they know for a fact) is that your wife got a tattoo with his name and she's having a problem with it (infection, etc...).

 

You say she's going abroad? Do you think perhaps she was planning on not returning?

 

I am so sorry for what has happened, we're here for you!

[Rabican]

I would simply tell her, yes i know Im supposed to trust you, and I do.

 

However

 

When people act like they are hiding something, it usually means they are HIDING SOMETHING. thereforeeee, I would greatly appreciate it if you would cut the crap and stop hiding whatever you are hiding.

 

Dont force the issue, but thats some pretty clear cut logic there. I cant think of any legitimate counter argument she could have for continuing her shady behavior.

If she still doesnt want to stop the odd behavior, I would tell her ok, but do realize that you are making it a great deal harder to trust you because of your own actions. Just tell her how important it is for you to have an open, trusting, truthful relationship.... and hiding things from you isnt a single step in that direction.

[Rabican]

finished reading your thread....

 

I would simply tell her either show me what you are hidng (the top) or get the *&*##$%# out. After hearing what the friend said I would be beyond patience and understanding and trust. I would demand to know what is going on.

 

She has the right to privacy yes, but you have the right to decide who you want to be with. I would simply tell her you are unwilling to be with someone who is acting the way she is acting. Id probably even confront her with the boyfriend, but I would stake out his house first and see if you can catch her there.

[ozomega]

Here's the latest. I am going to stick to the facts without comment.

Please feel free to add yours.

 

This morning the room was warm because I'd left the heater on.

I said to my wife, "I've made the room nice and warm so it won't be too cold for us to take our clothes off today."

 

She said nothing. I had a shower, and when I came back in she was wearing nothing but a skimpy bra.

 

There were no marks, no new tattoos, no bruises or bite mark or self-harm marks and nothing else to explain her reluctance to take off her top before.

 

Later I dropped my wife in the city.

When I dropped her off I said "See you tomorrow morning."

(I am working tonight, and don't get home 'til 6 in the morning.)

 

She said, "See you Monday OK?"

I said, "MONDAY? Why?"

She walked off.

Since then I've decided to maintain NC.

[annie24]

hmmmm..... i have no idea so odd... I wonder if she had a hickey or "love bite" on her chest that she didn't want you to see until it faded away????

 

monday???? that is just shady. i don't know.... this doesn't sound good at all.

 

um... i hate to say this... but are you considering a divorce? if she isn't going to be straight with you about whatever it is that's going on.... then I don't see how you can stay married to her....

[melrich]

Ok. As whacky as all this seems, I'll buy in.

 

Here's my theory. She's seeing a Vietnamese guy. The Vietnamese love that "cupping" treatment. It leaves big circles that fade after 4 or 5 days or so.

 

She had cupping treatment on her back and did not want you to know (Why? I am not sure. Haven't figured that out yet.)

[annie24]

oooohh! cupping. makes sense....

 

why wouldn't she want him to know about it? well... maybe she thought that he would be against something so "new agey" and maybe think it is a waste of time.....?

[melrich]

That's the part I cannot work out. I'm developing some theories as we speak. Stand by.

 

To OP, hey I get that this could be a serious problem but you have said yourself it is very bizarre. It is really hard to know how to advise.

[Rabican]

hire yourself a PI to follow her and see what shes doing. Or if you cant afford one, hire one of your buddies to do it for you. Or do it yourself if you must.

 

If my wife (im not married) had me drop her off somewhere, and she got out of the car and just said see ya in a week, I would be seriously concerned. thats not normal behavior. Even if she isnt cheating on you, then she is sure acting shady enough to win some awards for it. She should have enough respect for you, and your marriage to either quit playing games, or quit cheating.

 

I would get to the bottom of this situation one way or another... id be going nuts right about now if I were you wondering what is going on.

[annie24]

yeah, you know what... I think I would do that if I were in his shoes. i'd want answers and if she wasn't giving them to me, I'd find another way to get them...

[ozomega]

Agree with everything you guys have said.

 

But please explain, "WHAT THE HELL IS "CUPPING"???

[melrich]

They put little cups over a candle flame rseting on your skin. The falme takes out the oxygen and creates a suction on the skin which leaves a shape of the cup on the skin.

[ozomega]

OK I googled it. But why would she hide that from me? Is it ever a sexual thing or just theraputic?

 

There was no evidence of "cupping marks" anyway, so nice theory but I doubt it.

[ozomega]

I feel numb.

I finally have to accept that my relationship with my wife is finally over.

 

I now believe that the business with the top was an attempt by her to let me know in a non-verbal way that she was withdrawing the last vestigises of her affection for me. I also think she was trying to provoke an argument so she could storm out and disappear and blame it on me. But that didn't work, so she just slinked off without any explanation.

 

I am numb. Shellshocked. What did I do to deserve this? I gave that woman all my love, all my caring, you wouldn't believe how much I sacrificed for her.

She obviously just took me for a sucker and now she's having a wonderful time with another guy. Maybe he's better for her than I was-he must have something I don't or why would she prefer to be with him than with her husband?

 

I have to think of myself now, my own welfare. I've spent the last 3 years of my life living for my wife and now she's gone. From now on it's NC all the way.

I will never forget how wonderful she was when I first met her and the high hopes I thought we both shared for a happy future together. I still love the person I thought she was. But something's changed, something's missing now and only she knows what's happened. NC is for me. I could never win her back again because it's obviously gone way too far for that. I wish her well. I hope she finds the happiness with this other guy that she obviously couldn't find with her husband. But for my own welfare it has to be NC from here.

[assumeLove]

An affair is not the end of a marriage unless you let it be, Ozomega.

 

Before you walk away from your three-year investment in loving her, becoming part of her family, planning the future with her, etc., take a moment to try something.

 

Assume she's still the wonderful woman you married and still loves you fiercely and has sought another man for a reason that has nothing to do with her love for you but is due instead to an overwhelming issue within herself that she needs so badly to work out that she'd risk her marriage over it. Just try on the idea. Now, from that place, think. What would that issue be? What might she be trying to work out for herself? What need is she struggling to fill? What's so powerful in her life right now that she could violate her vows to you?

 

It is surely not this guy's physique, his accent, the shape of his eyes, or even his technique, because she wouldn't have found him until she was driven to find some answer or fill some need for herself.

 

It sounds like you're aware of a few issues -- her strict Muslim upbringing vs. the way she chooses to live and what this does to her relationship with her family and with God, her feeling of being Asian and thereforeeee different in ways you as a Westerner can't understand, the pain she felt in her life that lead her to cutting herself, the nights alone not knowing if you'll live to come home again, her sense that either of you could die tomorrow and thereforeeee shouldn't have children.

 

As you think about it, take yourself out of the picture. Take the other fellow out of the picture -- he could be completely irrelevant. You saw the months leading up to this, and you may be able to spot something in HER life, her fears, her desires, that lead her to this place. Ask a therapist to help you think it through. If you figure it out, you'll find the way to show her real love and real commitment and lead her back to you and a better life.

 

If you try this and the only possible explanation is that she just never took her marriage vows seriously, that she could just stop loving you over nothing while getting all your love, that she's really just a flaky, superficial woman who changes men like she changes hairstyles, then let her go.

[Stambler]

Please don't beat yourself up over this. I know how difficult it is not to analyze and hypothesize about the situation, the outcome, and the root cause (hey, read my thread – I've been doing it for almost a year). The fact of the matter is your wife, the person you felt the closest to, your soul mate, perhaps has had a change of heart. You did nothing wrong. True, her approach is lacking in consideration, but she very well may have had a change in her heart about what she wants out of life.

 

I think she has pushed things to the point where you are COMPLETELY justified in confronting her. Do it with no emotion, no accusations, just the facts:

 

What is going on with us?

Why have you been wearing your shirt in the shower?

Where did you go this week and why did you not tell me?

 

Tell her that this behavior, in your mind, is indicative of a broken relationship and you would like to understand what is going on. Wait in silence for her to explain. If she won't talk ask her if she would like to separate, and recommend that she moves out.

 

What have you to got to lose? Even if there is a problem that has nothing to do with another person, or your relationship (i.e. physical or mental health problem) she is not acting like a spouse by excluding you from it.