Unrequited love

[renaissancewoman101]

Has anybody ever been in the position of feeling unrequited love for someone else, like a friend. How did you deal with it? Also, for a relationship to work out, does it always have to have the "butterflies" feeling to be there? How about if those "butterflies" feeling die out? Does that mean that the love is over with?

 

I had been posting on a thread where the OP was asking about "butterfly feelings" and someone brought up "unrequited love" and that brought up some questions in me.

 

I would think unrequited love would be painful.

[annie24]

yeah, been there. *sigh*

 

It is really hard, I've found the easiest thing is to distance yourself from them, and come up with a list of logical reasons why the relationship isn't meant to be. perhaps, realistically, a relationship with them would not work, maybe because of different lifestyles, or interests, or careers, or one person travels a lot. or maybe one or both of you are already in a relationship.

 

anyways, yeah. distance is good. and meeting someone new is also a good way to get over the unrequited love.

[agent1607307371]

Love isn't gone when the butterflies go, it just means it's changing. We can't live in a state of newness all the time. However, if they never made even the occasional appearance then I would start looking at the relationship.

 

Unrequited love is hard. It's harder when you have to be around the person regularly though. Distance is a good thing.

The sad part is that it becomes such an everyday feeling, no matter what you are doing it's always there in the background. It becomes part of who you are.

[southerngirl]

Yes I have been there before. It hurt like hell...

 

Finally I had to cease all contact. I still think about him sometimes.. hmm

 

He was a friend never anything more. I would never try to look him up either... It hurt.

[renaissancewoman101]

Is the answer to unrequited love, the ceasing of all contact? Can it ever work out where you maintain a close friendship with the person?

[annie24]

i really think you would need to detach, at least for a while. until you are over them.

 

either that, or if you meet someone you like even more, then you forget all about your initial unrequited love.

[ElektraHere]

RW

 

Are you talking about T? Are you still in contact with him?

[renaissancewoman101]

No this is not about T. This is just a hypothetical question.

 

I havent talked to T since I sent him the "letting go" email.

[ElektraHere]

Well this site is full of unrequited love. We have all had it sometime in our life. It sucks, it hurts, and at the time it feels so unfair. However, with distance and time it will settle like anything else.

[Batya33]

I think the question can't be answered personally. I know some people who focus on "butterflies" others who focus on the best friends/compatibility of a relationship and both those people can feel very content with two very different romantic relationships. And people experience butterflies differently - sometimes it is based on the challenge - the thrill of the chase - other times it is a quieter feeling of passion based on something very mundane but very cozy/homey.

 

As far as unrequited love - sure that is always a risk but I find that those who constantly experience it choose unavailable people because it's safer than the real thing with all its flaws, warts and requirement of true intimacy if it is to last.

[Proactive Paradigm]

Unrequited love has destroyed my will to coexist with people/live.

 

Maybe falling for unavailable people is my life skill or something. But this most recent case, oh jeez. I'm telling you, if you ever meet the most perfect match for you you've ever come accross.... never see them again.

 

I try that, but alas, avoid them, avoid my entire social circle. Catch-22. That's why my opening sentence reads as it does.

[TheRedQueen]

Unrequited love? Yes, I know of it intimately. It's that masochistic self-defeating process of choosing to chase the horizon, ad infinitum, and ad nauseum, right?

[Honey Pumpkin]

Is the answer to unrequited love, the ceasing of all contact? Can it ever work out where you maintain a close friendship with the person?

 

Hi Renaissance Woman,

 

Interesting post. I don't know what the answer is - but one thing I am sure about is that I wish I could take back all the time I had wasted over-analysing an unrequited love.

 

Do you know what I mean? Reading so much into the way he said 'hello, how are you?'; analysing patterns of telephone calls; thinking about the way he looked at me. Without ever finding out if it was reciprocated. I think now I would rather know straight up that it *was* unrequited love.

 

And if it was unrequited love, then I think I would have to cease all contact, because I couldn't bear someone to know that I had feelings for them which they could not return!! I would think they were feeling sorry for me, and that would just kill me.

 

Someone said that all love is good. A quote I like is: "There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go." Guess that's what I would say about unrequited love...move off into your own future, where you will be at the centre of someone's world. You have to at least be at the centre of your own world...

[renaissancewoman101]

Fact is human nature always makes us want what we cannot have. Thus we are destined to crave what we cannot have and discard what we can have.

[Gecko]

Been there...

 

Falling in love with my teacher has to be one of the hardest things I've faced...

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I'd cease all contact and try to find someone else who makes me feel just as good and who feels the same for me. I'm all for friendship and stuff, but if we're hanging out and all I can think about is being with her, knowing it is impossible, I am not doing my body or mind any good. It sucks for the person but hey, they asked for it by not wanting us.

[GottaLetItBurn]

Unrequited love? Yes, I know of it intimately. It's that masochistic self-defeating process of choosing to chase the horizon, ad infinitum, and ad nauseum, right?

 

I love the way you put that. Choosing to chase the horizon, that paints a picture in my mind. That is the best way to put it, it breaks your heart that you just cant ever get there.

 

 

I guess I could say that is my case too...only I got to the very brink of getting with her then she dropped everything. My heart sank, and yeah it still hurts more than a year later.

 

DONT do it, there is no real happiness in getting your hopes up so high and then falling. It takes a long time to get back up.

[bhzmafia]

I'd cease all contact and try to find someone else who makes me feel just as good and who feels the same for me. I'm all for friendship and stuff, but if we're hanging out and all I can think about is being with her, knowing it is impossible, I am not doing my body or mind any good. It sucks for the person but hey, they asked for it by not wanting us.

 

Interesting post. I don't know what the answer is - but one thing I am sure about is that I wish I could take back all the time I had wasted over-analysing an unrequited love.

 

Do you know what I mean? Reading so much into the way he said 'hello, how are you?'; analysing patterns of telephone calls; thinking about the way he looked at me.

 

And if it was unrequited love, then I think I would have to cease all contact, because I couldn't bear someone to know that I had feelings for them which they could not return!! I would think they were feeling sorry for me, and that would just kill me.

 

Someone said that all love is good. A quote I like is: "There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go." Guess that's what I would say about unrequited love...move off into your own future, where you will be at the centre of someone's world. You have to at least be at the centre of your own world...

 

These two posts are so true... for me, there is no way I can healthily continue being friends with the girl im into. I dont know how anyone could do it.

 

I just wish I could move into my own future immediately... taking things week by week seems to go on forever.

March next year - starting University. New people, new life. If only it could start tomorrow...

 

Sorry bit of a tangent there... =/ If anyone has managed to stay friends in this sort of situation, Id love to know how they did it.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I can take it a little further.

 

It's bad when you fall for someone who is already taken, which I did 12 years ago. The only thing I told myself for comfort was that she met the guy before me and fell for him. Her feelings for me had nothing to do with it, and since she's seeing someone, her feelings for me are inconsequential since she has soneone in her heart.

 

Flip that scenario a bit. If I met her, we're both single, revealed my feelings to her but she didn't return them, it would sting like you know what. Then add on top of that, a few months later she goes out and meets a guy and falls for him, leaving me in the cold. Then I would feel suicidal, homicidal and genocidal.

 

My friend went through something similar. He liked a girl but she didn't want to take it further than friendship. He cried to me about it alot. The only cure was her moving to Germany for school, otherwise my shoulder would be drenched.

[RelaxByWater84]

Everyone experiences love not returned. I haven't had a boy-friend but I think this experience of love not returned will make one appreciate love returned. At least I'm hoping so.

[jenneke]

Unrequited love? Yes, I know of it intimately. It's that masochistic self-defeating process of choosing to chase the horizon, ad infinitum, and ad nauseum, right?

 

My personal experience with unrequited love is still ongoing. The guy I liked and I became very close friends, and eventually, he came to love in me in return, and we started dating. I had been hiding that unrequited love from him from the beginning, and like you said, it was if I was still chasing that horizon even though it was right there in front of me. I was too scared by the real thing to reach out and touch it. The unrequitedness had become a part of who I was when I was with him. The relationship began a slow and steady decline 'til it reached the point where neither one of us had the energy or the will to continue along the same path.

 

That's where we are now. I suppose, that unless it changes, or I can get over that feeling of unrequitedness, of him being unreachable, it won't ever work out. Is it possible to 'get over' unrequited love with a person? Or will that particular stigma always be a part of that relationship?

[Cyndane]

Experiencing it right now very intimately. I'm doing the distance thing atm and hope it will help change the feelings I have for him. I'm feeling more melancholy and sad than anything (not that sharp, stabbing type of pain). I think about all the times he made me smile and I know that no matter what, just seeing him would make me smile again. In that bittersweet kind of way.