Talking To My First Love/ I Am Married

[JB2MW]

I got an email from my first love 6 months ago. We have been emailing ever since. We just recently started text msging each other. My husband knows about him and our relationship that we had many years ago. I haven't seem my ex in 9 yrs and we are going to have lunch together. I am finding myself wondering what it would have been like to have married him instead of my husband. I find myself getting excited when I receive an email or a text msg from my ex. Just yesterday we were texting and we told each other that we still loved one another and that we were both scared about our current situation. I have always loved him and always will. We broke up because my mom did not like him because of where he was from. Well he has a good job and owns his own home. I am very proud of him. My husband on the other hand allows me to stay at home with our 2 children.

I don't know what to do. My husband is letting me eat lunch with my ex, which I was shocked. What do I do? Do I keep talking to my ex and stay with my husband whom I love dearly? I am in love with them both!

[Scout]

Your husband sounds like a rare find. Someone who trusts his wife enough to let her lunch with an old flame. I guess I'm hoping you don't let him down. I bet in his heart, he's secretly hoping you don't either.

 

What you're feeling is natural...what "might have been"...and maybe some good old ego-flattering that an old flame reached out to you...but don't confuse that with love.

 

Especially if you know for sure you loved your husband dearly before the ex showed up out of the blue.

[Scout]

And by the way...welcome to eNotalone! You've picked a good place to sort out some of these feelings.

[Q10]

Your husband sounds like a rare find. Someone who trusts his wife enough to let her lunch with an old flame. I guess I'm hoping you don't let him down. I bet in his heart, he's secretly hoping you don't either.

 

What you're feeling is natural...what "might have been"...and maybe some good old ego-flattering that an old flame reached out to you...but don't confuse that with love.

 

Especially if you know for sure you loved your husband dearly before the ex showed up out of the blue.

 

I agree, I think he's giving you the opportunity to test you, and trusts you at the same time. You should go out with your old friend ONLY if you're 100% sure you can behave..

[Luck of the Irish]

I am in love with them both!

No you are not. You are excited about the idea of a new adventure with your ex. Your life with your husband is stale. I seriously doubt you "love" either of them. Hate to break the news to you, but love doesn't cheat.

 

I haven't seem my ex in 9 yrs and we are going to have lunch together.

And then what? You are setting yourself up to physically betray your husband. You already emotionally cheated on him and betrayed him.

 

Just yesterday we were texting and we told each other that we still loved one another and that we were both scared about our current situation.

Scared? You brought that fear upon yourself. Now deal with it. You could have told him "Sorry, but my wedding vows actually mean something to me." Guess they don't eh?

 

I don't know what to do.

If you really "love" your ex, then do the only honorable thing. Actually there is no honor in it. Divorce your husband >>BEFORE

 

My husband on the other hand allows me to stay at home with our 2 children.

He "allows" you to? You make it sound like he left you barefoot in the kitchen. Get a job. Problem solved.

 

"I do" ?? "In sickness and in health" ?? Please...

[DN]

In my opinion you are playing with fire in a most dangerous way and someone is going to get hurt, probably badly. I advise you to cancel the lunch and concentrate on making your marriage so good that the thoughts of ex-boyfriends will be the last thing on your mind.

[finewhine]

What's that sound? Oh, it's the sound of reality knocking you upside the head. You're 24 years old. That would have made you 15 when you broke up with your first love. I doubt you're the same person you were when you were 15. At least I hope not. That means you're not really in love with your first boyfriend. Rather, something in your life is bugging you and you're using this fantasy as a means of avoiding your current troubles.

 

I have no idea how your marriage is, but you'd better not have an affair. Don't get your hands dirty. Get ahold of yourself!!!

[southerngirl]

Whats wrong with your husband allowing you to stay at home?

 

 

Do you not want to? Why dont you get a job?

 

Why not thank him for Allowing you to stay home if thats your choice, so was that a complaint?

 

I stay at home with kids so would that mean Im worth less than someone who works outside the home?

[NJRon]

Luck of the Irish has it right... pretty amazing, considering the Irish have scant luck.. so, really, you lucked out this time...

 

You are fantasizing. If you really feel compelled to do something new.. then do it. Break it off and go onward. Yes, it's scary. But hey... that's challenge. But don't waffle betwixt an absolute and an absolute... that's a no-growth opportunity. Lose lose situation.

 

Pick a stance and stick with it, prepare to suffer the pain of the consequences and revel in it... rejoice in that pain.. for that is what you are headed for if you don't warp your thinking toward the positive..

 

Enjoy and grow...

[agent1607307371]

I took her to mean that her husbands situation enables her to stay home with her children.

 

 

Nostalgia can be a powerful thing.

 

I'm sure that part of what you are feeling for your ex is a desire to be 15 again, to experience life like that. But you can't. Life moves on, people change. The difference betweem being 15 and 24 is vast. Really, despite the contact, this man is a stranger.

 

It may also be a reaction to married life.

 

If you meet your ex, keep it on a safe level, don't get carried away with the fantasy. Ultimately if you cheat with him you would not only be cheating on your husband but also your life and your children. The grass is not always greener.

[Scout]

Your life with your husband is stale. I seriously doubt you "love" either of them. Hate ot break the news to you, but love doesn't cheat.

 

Luck of the Irish, I don't agree that she doesn't love her husband, but I do agree that things might have gotten a bit stale. I think we could help her turn this into a positive, as in, recognizing this is a sign she needs to put more focus, energy, and effort back into her marriage.

 

To be honest, I thought you were a wee tough on her. Many of your points had merit, but if delivered a bit softer, she might be a bit more receptive to 'em. And thus, not pursue going down a path that involves her ex.

[southerngirl]

Okay I guess you were not saying anything bad about staying home with your kids.

 

I think perhaps you have gotten a bit bored in life... You wonder what else is out there.. Am i right?

 

This old love that your persuing can only lead to the death of your marriage.. I think you should leave the past in the past and end all contact. I say this because it is already interfering in your daily thoughts. You were a teenager.. You now are married.. For better or worse...

 

 

If you do cheat on him... If you continue this emotional affair you are betraying four people.

 

YOur husband. Both your children.. Yourself.

[annie24]

i don't know... i think you are playing with fire meeting up with the ex. some people can be just friends with exes, but that is because they are over them 100% and don't profess to love the ex anymore.

 

in your situation, it seems you have a lot to lose, and very little to gain by becoming this guy's friend. it can easily turn into something more, an affair, either emotional or physical, neither of which is appropriate.

 

if I were you, i would nip this in the bud. your relationship with your husband and your kids is too important to risk over a long-lost love.

[7CardStud]

When a guy agrees to something like that, he is telling himself I trust her, and i hope to GOD she makes the right decision and doesn't do anything.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't see him... What good can this cause in your marriage?? Are you happy in your current marriage?

 

Why did you ex even start writing to you after x years? I find it hard to believe people can love each other for 9 years and not see one another... You probably just remember the good times like other posters have said and are intrigued... But be wary of what might come of this. Your dancing with infidelity.

[JB2MW]

Well, first of all, I enjoy being a stay at home mom. My husband is fortunate enough to be able to provide for the 4 of us. I am also a student in college. So I have a lot on my plate anyway. Then along comes this person whom I haven't spoken to in 7yrs-which shocked the hell out of me.

 

My husband means the world to me, we have been through rough times and wonderful times. Right now we have our daughter in the NICU because she was born 16 weeks early (1lb 3-1/2ozs), that is a lot for us to deal with. Sometimes I do think I am just remembering the past, but I have always felt something for my ex.

 

I just wanted to see if there was anyone who has been in this situation before. I believe I can go to lunch with my ex and leave it at that lunch with a friend. At least I hope so. I would never cheat on my husband, I would get divorced if it ever came to that. I don't think it will, I just enjoy talking to my ex.

[NJRon]

Trust me... I read between the lines. You are better off not doing the whole "lunch" thing. You think you can.. but.. if you have to think so much... you can't.

 

Cut it out and enjoy your life.

[Scout]

Right now we have our daughter in the NICU because she was born 16 weeks early (1lb 3-1/2ozs), that is a lot for us to deal with.

 

My goodness, 1 pound! Well she's a plucky little thing, isn't she? Sending positive thoughts your way. Babies have pretty amazing recuperative powers.

 

At any rate, I imagine this has to be a stressful time in your life. And you know? I suspect that the stress might be influencing you to "escape" from everything by possibly rekindling an old flame.

 

That's a common mine field, actually. At least from what I've seen on eNotalone. But hon, you don't want to go there. The aftermath is brutal, and almost ALWAYS...crushingly disappointing.

 

Stick through this difficult time with your husband. Go to him for escape, support, and comfort. Not your ex.

 

You can get past this temptation, I'm confident of it. And soon enough, will be breathing a HUGE sigh of relief that you did!

[Scout]

Trust me... I read between the lines. You are better off not doing the whole "lunch" thing. You think you can.. but.. if you have to think so much... you can't.

 

I agree with this statement. Very much. I wouldn't even go to lunch. Your husband will appreciate that you changed your mind, trust me, and it's the best way to nip in the bud any possibility of you acting on rash emotions.

[annie24]

definitely - i agree, you should go to your husband during this difficult time, not to your ex for outside love and support.

 

I am afraid that it would be difficult to keep things as just friends, especially when you said that you are in love with both your husband and the ex. that doesn't bode well for keeping your hands to yourself!

[justpaisley]

First off, I want to say that I'm sorry that your daughter's in the NICU - I just got my son home last month after an 8-week stay; he was born 11 weeks early. It's hard, but it can only get better.

 

You should absolutely not go to lunch with this guy. You haven't seen each other since you were 17, do you think he's really the same person? Do you think the feelings you had for him were true adult love, or adolescent obsession? You do not love this guy - you love what you felt when you two were kids and had nothing else to worry about. You are an adult now, with children and a husband, and you HAVE to put them and their feelings first.

 

You must devote all of your energy into improving your marriage. If you are letting yourself get emotionally attached to your childhood boyfriend, there's something terribly awry. How would you feel if your husband were on a forum saying that he loved both you and his ex-girlfriend?

 

Please do not throw away your marriage by going to lunch with your ex, which is exactly what you would be doing. One lunch will be spent reminiscing, which will keep you both in this state of arrested development. Who knows where it would lead from there. Look at reality - are you really going to choose a guy you haven't seen or spoken to for 7 years over your husband and your children? You need go to strict no-contact with this guy right away and work on your marriage.

[doyathink]

I think it is perfectly fine to still have fond memories of your ex and remember the fun times you shared together, a lot of us do. Can you not invite your husband to go eat with the two of you? Sure you probably do want to catch up with each other about what has happened in your lives the last several years, to remain 'friends' is ok, however, if you have a 1% chance of hooking up, don't go alone! Don't invite risk!

 

Could you not invite him to your house for dinner? Your relationship happened so many years ago I doubt it would hurt your husbands feelings if you were to have him over and he didn't mind for the two of you to go out and eat. He may feel joyed in the fact that you are including him.

[Luck of the Irish]

I am in love with them both!

Just yesterday we were texting and we told each other that we still loved one another

--------------

I believe I can go to lunch with my ex and leave it at that lunch with a friend.

 

These posts from you are complete polar opposites. You are full of doubt about what your actions will be. You are just trying to convince yourself that you will do the right thing. But in your heart, you've already made your choice. And it is bad.

 

You have a baby? Do the right thing and cancel the lunch. Cut all contact with him and work on your marriage.

[tictactoe2006]

Sometimes I do think I am just remembering the past, but I have always felt something for my ex.

 

Then you SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE. Wow, you sound like a real find: you have a husband that provides for you and the children, probably sick with worry over a child in the NICU, and here you are ready to reconnect with an old flame. This might be harsh, but as one of the many husbands who's wives left them for an ex: I think your hubby and your family deserve much, much better than you.

[mazurka]

You are probably reading all the replies in this forum and thinking to yourself, "Hmm they are right", but I would assume by the tone of your postings that you are already infatuated with the idea of seeing your ex and your feelings towards each other are not platonic.

 

Life is not black and white and what you are feeling now is probably a mix of exitement, lust and intrigue, maybe a bit of love but you cannot know after so much time. You are infatuated with the image of who you THINK your ex is now, this picture postcard image of someone you used to love who you havent seen for 9 years, and consequently their image is not tarnished by the stains of life.

 

It is normal to feel these feelings, but what maturity teaches us is that sometimes it is better not to act on them. You are still quite young but you have the commitment of a marriage and a child and you need to focus on that becuase this isnt really about you only anymore, its about your children.

 

Its your choice really but if you go to this lunch you could unleash a sequence of events that will hurt many people and ruin many lives.

 

I think the argument is pretty straightforward and from what you have explained you have a choice of accepting your responsiblity as a wife and a mother or not. You dont have to like it but you cannot run away from that.

 

You already know what the right thing to do is, wether you will do it is up to you.

 

Good luck

[eleanorrigby1]

you say "havent seen him for 9 years" so that would have made you 15? your first 'love' at 15?

 

I think this is a nice nostalgic memory lane trip that is causing you the excitement. He was forbidden to you once before and is still forbidden. If you love your husband as much as you say you do you will break contact with this 'ex' if you can call him that. He is no longer a part of the current reality, he is some guy you knew when you were a kid, life has changed, you have changed and moved on, why go back in time?

 

I wouldnt even go and meet him, what is the point? to catch up? why? is he going to be your new best friend? you shouldnt even be talking to him.

 

Seriously your husband sounds lovely and you are MARRIED you took vows. Don't let him, or yourself down, over some dude you knew at school!