Am I forgetting anything before I go?

[rose2summer]

Marlena,

 

You just made my day!

 

Whooooo!! Go sister!

 

Hugs to you my friend.

 

Love,

 

Rose

[Relationship Coach]

Marlena,

Ad me to the list of members here that you can PM with or email with. There are many people here with different stories and different things brought us here as individuals but once here you become part of something bigger, something stronger. This is the place you need to use as a catalyst for yourself, your children and your family. The feelings that you have are not bad or unnatural, only following through with it is. This place has turned around many lives for the better and if you give it a chance you may someday repay your gratitude by helping someone here to hold on to the will to live for something better.

 

RC

[Cynder]

PM me MArlena. I know I'm coming into this thread late, but I've had plenty of experience dealing with depression, bith personally, and seeing those around me in a sucidal state of mind. I'll try to give you some good advice.

[southerngirl]

Marlena.

 

I am an abuse survivor.

 

I am a rape survivor.

 

I have been through alot in my life.

 

I grieve the death of my mother to cancer, even though she was abusive.

 

You have to live for your children, make their life happier than yours.

 

This is what keeps me going, my two beautiful boys and the girl I carry now.

 

Im going to confess I have thought of suicide.... My oldest was but 3 or so years old, my mother was very abusive.

 

Know what kept me here? My son... I just couldnt abandon him to this cold cruel world

 

Now life is better than it was then, but I still have bad days.

 

The sun will come up tomarrow, it gets better if you want it to get better.

 

You have to find the will to fight.

 

Fight for your life, fight for your happiness, fight for your daughters.

 

They need you. You can add me to the list of people you can PM on here, or even EMail.

 

Im very glad you have found enotalone, I hope you stay around.

[marlenasmith7]

Marlena,

Ad me to the list of members here that you can PM with or email with. There are many people here with different stories and different things brought us here as individuals but once here you become part of something bigger, something stronger. This is the place you need to use as a catalyst for yourself, your children and your family. The feelings that you have are not bad or unnatural, only following through with it is. This place has turned around many lives for the better and if you give it a chance you may someday repay your gratitude by helping someone here to hold on to the will to live for something better.

 

RC

 

Thanks, I tried to PM and Email you, but no luck. It says I don't have permission to PM and the email says "Sorry! That user has specified that they do not wish to receive emails."

I will say thank you for the supports. I will continue to come here and view/post as needed. Looking through some of the posts I am noticing that I am not alone and there are many others in similar boats.

Thanks again,

Marlena

[Amore]

Wow, after reading this whole thread, I am in tears.

 

At first they were tears of sadness.. I thought about how I would feel if my mother, or anyone I knew, took their life. I cried for your daughters, for your family.

 

But now, they are tears of happiness and amazement. I am amazed of all the kind people here at enotalone. How complete strangers can become friends... and ultimately save a life. We all love you! And that feeling is amazing.

 

If there is anything at all I can do Marlena, please let me know. You sound like a beautiful woman with a beautiful family =)

[Relationship Coach]

Marlena,

 

Try again, I had to make some adjustments!

 

RC

[justpaisley]

Marlena -

 

You are so strong to have come so far. SOMETHING will work for you, I know it. You aren't past the point of caring, because you love your daughters and want so badly to protect them, which is not something you can do if you're not there. When my aunt, who was like my second mother, killed herself, she left a note saying that it's none of our faults, she loved us, and to pray for her. I was 12, and for at least 3 years, I blamed myself. I had left the room, and was the last person to talk to her, and I always thought that if I had said the right thing, or if I had stayed in the room until she felt better instead of leaving when I thought she fell asleep, or something, that I would have been able to stop her. I thought the entire family blamed me. I had to seek therapy for it, and even now, I still think that sometimes I could have done something to stop it.

 

You don't want your daughters or your husband to go through that pain. They will blame themselves, as will everyone else that loves you. It's all part and parcel of being a suicide survivor - the loved ones blame themselves.

 

You said that it's your turn for some "me time." Can you make that "me time" about making you better? Depression is not a terminal disease, it's something that can absolutely be controlled. If you didn't like the hospital you were in, go to another one... in another state if you have to. See if your psychiatrist can help you with a combination of medications, diet, exercise, etc.

 

Write your girls another letter. Let them know that you're going to do everything you can to get better. Let them know that you want to live for them, and that you not only want to hear "I yub you" turn into "I love you," but hear it also turn into "Mommy, I'm so proud of you for persevering through the lowest part in your life. Thank you for living for me." These girls are going to grow up and need their mommy - when they have their first periods, when they try on their wedding dresses, when they have little girls - I can't imagine raising my own child without my mom's help.

 

We will help in ANY way we can, I can promise you that. This community absolutely cares about you and your family, and we want nothing more right now than to help you.

 

Please stick around.

[marlenasmith7]

I am sorry for your loss and how tough it has been. Hearing your story makes me want to stay for my family.

I will take that "me time" to try to make my life better.

You are right, I would love to hear my babies say those words.

I feel truly cared for from all the posts and friends I have made here.

 

Marlena

[Belgian girl]

Haven't fully read whole this topic and I'm short in time at the moment (lot of exams but I won't leave here before even making a few notes, hope I can talk to you after my exam

 

1. perhaps read the topic what makes you don't suicide (I'm not sure that's the exact name but I read some kind of topic yesterday).

2. in my situation, my uncle, they've discovered he had cancer and I guess he's terminal already. Please realise how much he and everybody cares about having the chance to live and how worried whole the family is and what a big effect it has on everybody

3. for familymembers, it's something you can't fully get over, I guess

4. I'm having panic attacks as well, but I find out I can handle it better and better, we can talk about it, if you would give me the chance

5. for me as a person, my life means a lot to me, I hope you could remember soms nice things (often the small ones) that makes you feel good

6. I know it doesn't always help to talk with psychologes etc.. Often a good friend is the best therapist.

7. Realise you're not the only one with a lot of problems, maybe even by looking at the other members

8. For me, relief/religion gives a loth of strength

9. Are you sure they aren't able to make you feel better (your family)? In my case, I've walked away once, but when they where asking me please to come back and I saw crying and how much they love me.. sometimes people just don't let it show. Why? Maybe because somebody else is hurting them and they don't want to be breakable. (Sorry if my english is not that good).

10. I would love to write down even more.. hope I might after a few hours.

11. Come on, I found a lot of strength by helping other people. It also made my panic attacks become less.

Wishing you all the best, you deserve it, please let us give you advice and..

a good effort that you take the step using this forum!! It has helped me a lot, hope it may do it for you as well

12. Ah, going trough hard situations will often make somebody stronger (that's how I experienced hard things in the past)

13. Feel also free to PM me if you need a 'talk'.

[doyathink]

Hi Marlena, I only read through some of this thread but I did notice you are evaluating the situation. There are people on here day and night so whenever you feel the need for support come on and speak to people who are in the same place you are.

 

From one mother to another I have to say there is no other woman in this world who will love and cherish those little ones the way you do! You are the only one who will love them the way they deserve to be loved and your husband....he married you...because he loves you! These kids deserve the love of their mother not a step in. When the day comes to see them walk down the isle, it is you they want to see there beside them! When they have children of their own, it is you who is grandma! When they have a crises in their life it is you that they need to lean on to shoulder them through the tough times, to dry their tears and to share in the laughter of their joy! Please don't check out on them....they need you!

[mgirl]

Well, i have a messed up life too! But i try to cope with it. I can tell you, from experience, after losing somebody very close through me to 'suicide' that you never recover from it, neither does your family. In fact, it tears your family apart.

 

I sincerely believe that if you suicided, it would have a devestating effect on your children.

 

Have you tried breathing therapy and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) for your panic attacks? I suffered with them for yours and the above two therapies have helped significantly.

 

Breathe in through your diaphram rather than up through your chest (if you place your hands on your stomache, you should feel your stomache expand and retract as you breathe, if you are doing it correctly). Do this twice daily. Breathe in, count to 3, hold for 3, breathe out and count for 3, hold, count for 3. Repeat this cycle 10 times, twice daily. Another exercise consists of breathing in really deeply and letting the breathe out in a sigh. Do this 7 times, whenever you are waiting, or idle. These exercises are designed to relax and will significantly decrease your anxiety.

 

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a form of therapy that helps you challenge your existing beliefs. For example, do you always 'catostrophise' (think the worst) about things (this is just an example)? Well, CBT would have you examine and challenge your thoughts. Most people write down their thoughts during this process. The best thing to do is try to find evidence for what you are thinking. Eg. I used to think when people were looking at me that they were giving me dirty looks. I was sure of it! Now, i realise that perhaps they think i am good looking ( perhaps they think i am unusual looking, perhaps they are just day-dreaming, or perhaps i remind them of someone. Who knows? There are many reasons why people look at each other, or through each other. The point is, i used to assume one thing, but it really could have been a number of things.

 

So, my advice is to go and find some CBT. Also, do the breathing exercises and as i said before, your departure from this world will shatter the people who care about you, and i am not just saying that.

 

I believe that people get depressed because they don't know their true purpose on this earth. Perhaps you could do some searching and find something that inspires you?

[NKP]

my father killed himself five years ago and guess what it recked my family, everyone in my family has depresseion besides 3 so that means 6 of us have depression, and most of those six drinks all the time and take drugs, one of them doesnt eat properly, and well me i have tried to eand my life. i still blame myself for my fathers death and i still cant believe i have lived five years without him, i wished i knew him alittle bit longer.

 

None of us can change your mind about doing it, but all of us here dont want you too, we care, instead of ending your life come her and talk to all of us here. Ending yor life seems like the best thing i know that what i use to think until i almost past when i woke up in hospital my mother and my brother and my sister were all crying then that day i knew they care and they dont want me to go, exspecily like that.

 

I know how you feel its like your a bird with broken wings and cant fly and nothing is going to change and you are always going to wish to die, but hey things do change, things do improve, it takes time but when that time comes you will be thankful that you didnt end your life

[Gecko]

Just look at all the kind people here and you know you're never alone...

 

Stuff like this is a reason for living in itself.

 

Not to mention the rest of that thing called life.

[avman]

How are you doing today Marlena? I have been keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[marlenasmith7]

How are you doing today Marlena? I have been keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

 

I am doing a little better thanks. I keep my family in my thoughts when I start having those bad thoughts again.

I am really glad I was able to post on here and get some help that I didn't think I needed!

 

Marlena

[blender]

Marlena, you're amazing, you're choosing to hang in there, one day at a time...for your children.. that is love..you are love...may each moment with them give you some energy to carry on...

[marlenasmith7]

Marlena, you're amazing, you're choosing to hang in there, one day at a time...for your children.. that is love..you are love...may each moment with them give you some energy to carry on...

Staying is not the easiest thing. I can't lie, my thoughts are still very present. However, I am really trying to keep my children and husband in my thoughts at all times for it is them that are important.

I have yet to talk with my husband as I fear what he may say or do, but I plan on doing it as soon as I can gain the courage to do so.

 

Thank you for the kind words,

Marlena

[blender]

COURAGE?, you are living in courage, you are an example of courage, the fact that you chose to come here and let someone know about your thoughts and then take the time to actually listen, hear, talk it out, think it through, consider your children and husband, THAT IS COURAGE, AND YOU'RE ALREADY TAKING THE STEPS one foot at a time to "trying to heal" even though you have tried before, there is always HOPE, you are an example of HOPE to so many on here..

 

talk to him when it's quiet and you maybe you can just say you are "scared about what you have been feeling/thinking"

[marlenasmith7]

COURAGE?, you are living in courage, you are an example of courage, the fact that you chose to come here and let someone know about your thoughts and then take the time to actually listen, hear, talk it out, think it through, consider your children and husband, THAT IS COURAGE, AND YOU'RE ALREADY TAKING THE STEPS one foot at a time to "trying to heal" even though you have tried before, there is always HOPE, you are an example of HOPE to so many on here..

 

talk to him when it's quiet and you maybe you can just say you are "scared about what you have been feeling/thinking"

 

Thank you. I thing that the way you worded it is perfect. I was trying to think of a way to approach the situation and just couldn't for the words.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

I only just read over this post. You really have done an amazing thing here. You've stopped thinking about yourself and just put your family first. Blender is right. You are an amazing person and full of love.

[Spugly Fuglet]

as Rozi says

 

True COURAGE is not the grate and good doing grate things, it is the small battles we all fight day in and day out, its ordenay humans faceing the dark days of the soul and seeing throw them to the light. Its holding the hand of the old and keeping them safe, its shilding a child from harm no matter what is form, its getting up when all feels bleak and facing the day.

 

My dad broke is back and has lived in the kind of pain I can only imagin every day for 12 years. Yet each day he gets up and lives as good a life as he can. I have sat with him meny times as he cryed and held his hand. to me that man has true courage and yet he says that it is I that has it for facing the world as a dyslexic (like him )and showing no fear of what others may say.

 

Life is a very big thing and so many of us try and live it all a one time, we so often try to have cuorage for that big life but the truth is your courage is the one that counts the most. its the courage to carry on and face the day, each day as it comes just like my dad, and i love him for that as I know your children love you. Thats the courage that counts becouse thats the courage that others need from us and so the truly couragus out there give it with out hesitation.

 

Thats what you are doing for your children and family its the highest calling and whats more its what makes a good life, well lived.

 

Truth, Strenght and Honnor

 

and I honnor you for that.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Marlena, I am glad that you choose to live despite its ordeal.

It gets me sweating reading the first few posts.

 

You too contribute to this forum as you give some advice to other poster. If I am not wrong, I saw some of your post.

[Relationship Coach]

Marlena,

Rememer what we discussed? I told you your life has value to your kids, your husband and now many here. How you impact others in a positive way can make a difference in a persons life, you're proof of that each day that you choose to face each day with strength and a purpose.

 

RC

[marlenasmith7]

Marlena,

Rememer what we discussed? I told you your life has value to your kids, your husband and now many here. How you impact others in a positive way can make a difference in a persons life, you're proof of that each day that you choose to face each day with strength and a purpose.

 

RC

Yes, of course I remember.