Am I forgetting anything before I go?

[Krosis]

The kids sound great. I can't believe you would be willing to give that up.

 

I can't wait to have kids, to see them laugh and smile for the very first time, with there chubby cheeks as a baby. To see them crawl for the first time, and then walk. To hear the words "Dada" for the very first time, and them talking about me! To wake up every saturday morning with them and watch cartoons. To have little food fights with them in the kitchen. To play "peek-a-boo" with them. I just can't wait to be a parent. To see them laugh and smile would just be so great.

 

I can't see why on Earth you would want to leave that, and also a husband who loves you, and cares for you.

 

If he were to admit you to a hospital, it wouldn't be him being mean, it would be to try and help you!

 

Is there anything I can do personally?

[Beec]

I just don't think that my suffering is going to help them. I am scared that if things were to get worse then I would end up harming them worse.

I think that if they were to grow up in my home that I would mentally or emotionally screw them up.

I could not live with myself if I did that!

 

You struggling with whatever problems you have will do mroe for them than anything else you can imagine. Find children who know that their parents struggled for them, and I will show you children that love their parents, almost everytime. Your children are the ones worth struggling for.

[melrich]

Then if you said "But mommy is sick and may need care and special attention. Would it then be better if I killed myself?"

 

How would they respond do you think?

[avman]

I'm going to tell you a story. This is a story that is very similar to what you are going through. This story is about my brothers first wife.

 

She led a very troubled life. She was raped as an early teen. Suffered from depression and bulemia. Had very low self-esteem. And she did not have a supportive family.

 

After she was married to my brother, she was happy for a little while. But then things started to change. They had 3 children together, but things got worse. She did not seek treatment for her problems, and instead let them consume her.

 

Eventually when the children were 4, 3, and 2 she committed suicide.

 

My brother was devastated. He blamed himself for everything. Even now 7 years later he still carries around a lot of blame.

 

The children were destroyed. Now after many years of therapy they are just starting to turn around. But still they talk about their mom and why she left them all the time.

 

My brothers wife talked like you do. She claimed it would be better if she was gone. And that the kids would be better off and that my brother could take care of them. Well guess what - she was wrong. Nobody was better off. Things got a whole lot worse.

 

I can understand you want your pain to stop. But killing yourself is not the answer. If you could make the pain stop would you reconsider? I hope you will.

 

Will you allow us to help you find a new path and try to ease your pain?

[marlenasmith7]

I know that it would be tough. I guess I never thought about my husband not being able to hold it together. I would hate if I were to leave and my babies didn't have a stable parent.

I know that my thoughts are jaded. I know that my depression is causing me to think in a messed up way. I am just so tired of fighting. I am tired of not being able to do anything without feeling panic or sadness.

If he left me, I would die. It would be the worst thing that could happen to me.

I just feel like there is nothing left I can do. I have tried everything.

[marlenasmith7]

That is very sad. If I could make the pain stop I WOULD! Gladly!

[Krosis]

Well what can we do to make the pain stop? How did it all start in the first place?

[BrokenBlackWolf]

i just need to put this senario in here just incase u really think about suicide...what if u did kill yourself, and your husband cant take it, so he kills himself...that would leave your kids as orphans...do u really want that??

[marlenasmith7]

Well what can we do to make the pain stop? How did it all start in the first place?

 

I have no idea how to make it stop. It started when I was a child. I had an emotionally and physically abusive step-mother, her father molested me for 4 years(from 8-12 years old), I was in foster homes, my mother died of cancer when I was 16, My sister and I have not spoken in 16 years, my father and I have not spoken in 18 years, I had abusive boyfriend until I met my husband 4 years ago.

I don't know what else to say, I have had a messed up life!

[marlenasmith7]

i just need to put this senario in here just incase u really think about suicide...what if u did kill yourself, and your husband cant take it, so he kills himself...that would leave your kids as orphans...do u really want that??

 

Oh, Gosh no, that would be the worst possible thing!

[Krosis]

I have no idea how to make it stop. It started when I was a child. I had an emotionally and physically abusive step-mother, her father molested me for 4 years(from 8-12 years old), I was in foster homes, my mother died of cancer when I was 16, My sister and I have not spoken in 16 years, my father and I have not spoken in 18 years, I had abusive boyfriend until I met my husband 4 years ago.

I don't know what else to say, I have had a messed up life!

 

Wow, that does seem like a hard life to live. And I'm sorry that you had to have gone through that. But does all that make suicide okay? Because that's what you're telling us. I'm sure over half this forum have led trouble lives. Myself included, my father used to be a BAD drunk, and used to beat my mother, my brother, and myself. Sure I thought about suicide. I wanted life to end. I couldn't handle it anymore. But then I would think about my mother, and how terrible she would feel. I thought about my brother, and how broken up he would be. I thought about my father, and how miserable he would feel and quite possibly take his own life.

 

But as you can see, I didn't give in. I kept going. I wiped the sweat off and kept pushing through.

 

I'm not sure what I can say to make you see reason. I wish I could make everything better? Are you a religious person? Either way, I will be praying for you that you do make the right decision, get help, and continue to live your life, and to live a great one.

[rose2summer]

Marlena,

 

I am sorry you are going through a tough time,

 

But you must remember that suicide is NOT an answer to your problems,

 

Your family needs you, your husband and daughters,

 

They would be devastated if you decided to take your life,

 

Please call: 1-800-SUICIDE.

 

We are here to help you and listen to you as well,

 

I lost a really good friend of mine to suicide,

 

He was the brightest guy I ever met,

 

Straight A student, captain of the football team,

 

We ended up going to high school and college together,

 

One day he ended up missing,

 

He was found 1 yr later,

 

He had driven his car over a cliff,

 

Let me tell you how sad I was,

 

I still think of him quite often,

 

Do you want to hurt your daughters like this,

 

For them to be sad for the rest of their lives,

 

Because I guarantee you that they will,

 

And that they will be traumatized that mommy decided,

 

She didn't want to be with them anymore,

 

That is what they will end up feeling,

 

When they go to parent conference and the teacher asks, where is your mom,

 

Do you want them to say, she committed suicide and left me all alone,

 

Please know that I really care,

 

I want you to realize that there are alternatives here,

 

What type of therapy have you received, was it by a licensed psychiatrist?

 

What medicines were you on?

 

There are definitely many avenues to be explored here,

 

And I want to walk alongside you.

 

Marlena, what was the happiest day you can remember with your daughters? Tell us about it.

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[blender]

I feel your pain. I'm so sorry you feel so overwhelmed, thank god you found this site and can talk this out. Choose LIFE as difficult as it is, your children NEED you, you will not choose to be a coward and end your life, you will choose to be a hero and choose to be here for your children.

 

I know you will get through this, one day at a time, choose your children over your painful depression... and yes "depression" is debilitating, no one knows how overwhelming the "darkness" can be, but your children and your "awesome" husband deserve the respect of your choice to fight for your LIFE, and not to give up...

 

Is this the life lesson you want to leave etched for all of eternity in your children's hearts. to "give up and end thier life"?

 

They will never be "okay" if you choose suicide, NEVER, no matter how much therapy, they may exsist and adjust, but, they will be forced to live with a dark cloud deeper than any depression could ever know, because thier Mother could make a choice to "willingly leave them".

 

This scar will not only be there forever, it will show on them, it will burden them, it will cause them and your husband a life time of pain and suffering, just because you can not face yours.. is that fair? Is that loving? I'm sorry you are in so much pain.. I really am, deal with your pain one day at a time.. don't think about tomorrow, think about being HERE today, one day at a time...

 

You are in so much pain right now and have been for so many years, I know you would NOT wish this type of depression on anyone, especially your own children, so choose life and give them the gift of YOUR PREsense in thier lives, thier graduations, guiding them through thier own fears and depression, their heartbreaks and joys, be there to help them... be there, be there, be there, that is what is BEST for them and YOU....

 

Who will they cry to, who will hug them all night like YOU will, who will they run home from school to show thier latest drawing to.... YOU.. Be there for them.... be there for your husband, be there for YOU...

[BrokenBlackWolf]

so dont kill yourself...dont even think about it...no more planning suicides either

[rose2summer]

With regards to how your husband would feel:

 

Here's another story:

 

A few months ago my grandfather became very ill and was hospitalized,

 

My grandmother cried and cried, she was so upset about my grandfather,

 

Guess what happened?

 

The very next day she had 3 heart-attacks,

 

She was so upset, her body could not hope,

 

Do you want to do this to your husband?

 

Make him so upset that he either commits suicide or dies from a heart-attack/stroke.

 

He needs you as do your daughters,

 

And we need you on here.

 

Love,

 

Rose

[Relationship Coach]

Marlena,

You have not tried everything, did you just randomly come here to announce your early departure? No! You are here and there are many people here who have had as bad as you or worse and survived. This place is full of survivors, there are cancer survivors, survivors of failed marriages and relationships, survivors of deceased partners, parents and friends. You can be a survivor too, you just need to grab on to life and live it and stop fighting it. Are you afraid that your husband is going to leave you so you want to check out first? I'm sure that will really inspire your kids to become happy and functional adults, the lesson you are teaching them is, "when life gets too tough, check out." Is that what you want to do, put a gold star next to suicide in their minds letting them know that it is always an option?

 

RC

[marlenasmith7]

Marlena,

 

 

What type of therapy have you received, was it by a licensed psychiatrist?

 

What medicines were you on?

 

There are definitely many avenues to be explored here,

 

And I want to walk alongside you.

 

Marlena, what was the happiest day you can remember with your daughters? Tell us about it.

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

 

I have been to approximately 13 different psychiatrists and therapists. I have been on Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Remeron and Paxil.

The happiest day I can remember with my daughters had to have been the day they were born. Each birth had it's own special aspect of it. They were beautiful.

[Krosis]

How old are they now Marlena?

[rose2summer]

Tell us about their birth.

 

Did you have a name ready before they were born?

 

Or did you decide on the spot?

 

Do you go to amusement parks with them?

 

Tell us more

 

I can only dream someday to have children of my own, how fortunate you are!

[marlenasmith7]

I know that my experience is not the worst and I am not using my past as an excuse. I cannot tell anyone why I am feeling like crap all the time, why i cry all the time. I guess that is the problem, I just feel like my soul is gone. The only thing I care about is my babies and husband. Nothing else!

I would not want my children to get that message at all. I don't want to give them that message either.

[marlenasmith7]

How old are they now Marlena?

 

They are 1 1/2 and 3 years old

[dogheadma]

Commiting suicide would be the most painful and damaging thing you could possibly ever do to your Husband and your Children. Think about them. They love you very much. Everybody here loves you and wants the best for you and your family. What you're considering is a very selfish act. Please tell your husband how your feeling. You would be destroying him and your children with what you are considering. It is not going to solve their problems. It will only take the pain you are feeling now and project it onto them a hundred times over and then they will be left to deal with that pain for the rest of their lives. They will always blame themselves and always wonder what they could have done to stop it. Please talk to people here at eNotAlone as much as you want. Everybody here cares about you. You can PM me anytime you like. We all care about you and your family very much. There are solutions. They start with you. I know you love your family very much and you owe it to them to stick around for their benefit if nothing else. Think about it.

[blender]

thier Birth, yes, life is a miracle and precious...teach them that you yourself respect it enough to cherish your own life...I'm sorry you are in so much pain....can you take this pain one day at a time?

[marlenasmith7]

Tell us about their birth.

 

Did you have a name ready before they were born?

 

Or did you decide on the spot?

 

Do you go to amusement parks with them?

 

Tell us more

 

I can only dream someday to have children of my own, how fortunate you are!

 

My husband and I took the name of my mother and the middle name of his mother for the first child, Debra Marie. The second took a while, but came up with Mary Sue.

 

We enjoy going to the park and they really love playing in the sand.

They enjoy finger painting, banging the pots and pans. Mary enjoys singing. She just sings to her own tunes, it is very cute.

They are the best babies. They rarely cry, sleep through the night and love big hugs.

[avman]

You know marlena, I found that my faith brought me to that comfortable place in my life where I could handle the demands and pressures that life placed on me. I tried a couple of different therapists, but settled on a christian counselor that I found was able to get through to me in ways other therapists could not.

 

I do not push faith on anyone that doesn't want it, but I wanted to at least suggest it as an option.