avman Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 Hi all, Well I have a dilemma and I could use some help with this. Late last fall a woman contacted me that I used to know in high school. I have not had any contact with her in 20 years and we were only friends way back then. She told me after all this time she wanted to apologize for the way she treated me in high school and was wondering what I had been up to. I was a bit suspicious of her intentions as she is single and I am married but I let things play out. For awhile, it was nice catching up and just telling stories about what has happened after all this time. 20 years can create quite a history and it takes awhile just to hit the high points. Well I am at a point now where I just don't think I can stand being her friend. There are several things just really irritating me: Everything is someone else's fault. She constantly complains about her coworkers and claims that "all the women hate me and want to be me, while all the men want me". My opinion is that she just likes the attention and rubs it in the other women's faces but I am not there to see this happening. She's one of the most self-centered and shallow people I've ever met. Everyone to her is judged almost solely on looks. People who don't measure up to her standards of looks are inferior humans. She's a racist. Nearly every phone call consists of her venting about her family, her job, her most recent boyfriend/male admirer, the guy in traffic who has cut her off, etc. She gets so mad at everything that I have to hold the phone away from my ear at times when I need a break from listening to her. She responds very sporadically to emails and responses are generally limited to a sentence or perhaps two. This after previous emails were very long and detailed (and of course, more interesting). Writing an email to her now is something I do only when I feel it's been quite awhile rather than because I'm interested in hearing from her.This isn't to say that she doesn't have some good qualities. She can be funny and is intelligent But they are being overshadowed for me by all the other things. I don't really feel like I get much out of the friendship and I doubt I could really rely on her if I was in trouble. So I'm feeling like it is time for me to find a way to tell her that this friendship isn't working out and we should just go our separate ways. The trouble is I need to find some tactful way to do this because if I just blurt out the truth it will sound like this: "We can't be friends anymore because every time I'm on the phone with you I want to take a power drill to my ear to stop hearing you. I think you need to pull your head out of your rear and get a clue about life because it's not all about looks. If you tell me one more time that same story about your cats and how they just screwed you financially with their illnesses or how you should have never loaned that money to your sister I'm going to swallow a bucket full of broken glass and wash it down with a bottle of acid." Yeah, so I can't say it like that but you get the idea. Anybody got any ideas? Link to comment
DN Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 Tell her that you get the feeling that your wife is having a problem with the phone-calls and e-mails and that for the sake of marital harmony you are going to have to regretfully stop any more contact and that you know that, as a friend, she will understand. It is a lie but it is not a black lie. Link to comment
avman Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 Yeah, not a bad thought. I'm not a great liar though... Link to comment
Dako Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 A first time for everything Avman! DN has the tactful out, as long as she doesn't then stalk your wife. So you went to school with my sister? Sounds just like her! Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 Email it then. That way if confronted you have an email confrontation rather than a live confrontation. Or just slowly fade off into the sunset. Let phone calls go and do short emails here and there with just a hello and hope all is well with you. With the little contact you give her eventually it will fade. Link to comment
avman Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 Practice. Motivation can help. I guess I will have to take lessons. Teach me oh great DN. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 I agree with EH, do the slow fadeaway, stop answering her phone calls or emails, or if you do, answer sporadically and if you talk to her on the phone, cut off the conversation after about 5 minutes, say "I have to go now, have to go pick up this or that". I have done this to a friend of mines who used to call me constantly to complain about her life, tell me how pathetic her life was, etc. It got tiresome. Link to comment
DN Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 I guess I will have to take lessons. Teach me oh great DN. Motivation? Visualise the following going on ... Everything is someone else's fault. She constantly complains about her coworkers and claims that "all the women hate me and want to be me, while all the men want me". My opinion is that she just likes the attention and rubs it in the other women's faces but I am not there to see this happening. She's one of the most self-centered and shallow people I've ever met. Everyone to her is judged almost solely on looks. People who don't measure up to her standards of looks are inferior humans. She's a racist. Nearly every phone call consists of her venting about her family, her job, her most recent boyfriend/male admirer, the guy in traffic who has cut her off, etc. She gets so mad at everything that I have to hold the phone away from my ear at times when I need a break from listening to her. She responds very sporadically to emails and responses are generally limited to a sentence or perhaps two. This after previous emails were very long and detailed (and of course, more interesting). Writing an email to her now is something I do only when I feel it's been quite awhile rather than because I'm interested in hearing from her.... for the rest of your life. Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 LMAO Dako... Hmmm Avman I can understand how you feel. I tend to attract people that want to dump their "drama" on me too... Perhaps you could just become less accessible to her. I mean why should you have to "end" this thing? It's not like you made her a promise. You are not obligated to her. I would stop taking her calls....or limit them. If she has an issue with it..then I would take DN's advice and tell her your wife isn;t comfortable with your contact with her. If she can't understand..then go with the "swallowing a bucket of broekn glass" story..LOL Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 I think you should just stop talking to her. Be busy all the time. More than likely, the calls/emails will stop. Just give it some time. Link to comment
avman Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 Hmmm this is new ground for me. I'm just usually not one to up and disappear (though I've had it done to me and it sucks). I suppose that is the easiest way though. Link to comment
vandgsmom Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 You sound pretty open with your wife. Tell her about it and ask her that next time she calls you, for her to start yelling in the background: "IS IT THAT WOMAN AGAIN!?! You never have time to talk to ME, but you have time to listen to HER PROBLEMS!!! When you get off the stupid phone, YOU can find ME at MY MOTHERS!!!" Or something to that effect.. Then when you tell her "for the sake of marital harmony", she will believe it. And your wife might think the playacting is funnny.... Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 LMAO .....Yeah I like Vandg's idea.....what the heck. Maybe it'll work!!!! Link to comment
avman Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 Yeah my wife was all for the broken glass story. I'm not surprised Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 So did you ask her out in high school? I think if you don't want this person in your life, you should tactfully decline further communication, and leave it at that. Afterall, who says you're in a position to judge her? Link to comment
avman Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 So did you ask her out in high school? Nope. We were just friends. And looking back on it, boy am I ever thankful that it never went any farther! Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Nope. We were just friends. And looking back on it, boy am I ever thankful that it never went any farther! Well I think you should just stop talking to her. It's not nice to gossip about people who think you're their friend. You wouldn't want her to do that to you. Link to comment
brando Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 be straight up. Tell her your married. It was nice catching up but you r life is with your wife now. Say goodbye. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 yeah, I like DN's idea! blame it on the wife! Link to comment
DN Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Well I think you should just stop talking to her. It's not nice to gossip about people who think you're their friend. You wouldn't want her to do that to you. He's not gossiping. He's asking advice and giving all the information necessary to those willing to help. That is what this forum is about. If any negative mention of the other people involved in the various problems people post about were considered gossip and frowned on there would be no point in having the forum in the first place. Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Well she's an old friend from high school. He obviously feels quite a bit of anymosity towards her. If he continues this it will surely go there. If he dislikes her, then he should stop talking to her. Link to comment
DN Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 yeah, I like DN's idea! blame it on the wife! I'm sure it said something about that in the wedding vows. Minister: "Do you (insert name) promise to take any necessary blame to extract (insert name of prospective spouse) from awkward social situations" Bride or Groom: "I do" (to be said without fingers crossed behind back) Link to comment
DN Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Well she's an old friend from high school. He obviously feels quite a bit of anymosity towards her. If he continues this it will surely go there. If he dislikes her, then he should stop talking to her.That's why he's asking advice on how to do that. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 I'm sure it said something about that in the wedding vows. Minister: "Do you (insert name) promise to take any necessary blame to extract (insert name of prospective spouse) from awkward social situations" Bride or Groom: "I do" (to be said without fingers crossed behind back) ah, well marriage is all about teamwork, isn't it? Link to comment
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