Things CAN get worse...

[Relationship Coach]

No one is ganging up on anyone. This is a serious issue which merits honesty and concern. There are many people here who care about you and have followed your history with this guy. The fact that you are now pregnant and still involved with him put more at risk than before. You have become more fragile due to the pregnancy and this is now not just about you. If my comments seemed harsh before, it's because they were but the truth is not always sweet or pretty. It's your life and your child, you will ultimately do whatever you see fit.

 

RC

[BornToResist]

I did have an old username, but I had it deleted because I was afraid he would find it through a simple google search. I knew he was looking for things to hold against me since I found all those ads he put out on the internet. So now he can't find this one, he doesn't know what it is.

 

I remember saying at one point I don't underestimate him, and my landlord came to me and told me her stories of abuse because people in my building thought that I was getting pushed around and hurt. But he never has touched me. He is very careful about that. I wouldn't just retract what I said if it was the truth...this is the only place I can come to be 100% honest. And I have already said all the terrible things he's done that I wouldn't try to cover this up.

 

But honestly I don't know how he would react with a baby. He does have a daughter, but he was gone for basically the whole first year of her life (he was in the Marines and was shipped out constantly...). So while he has experience with children (and I have never seen him abuse his daughter physically at all), I don't know about the fussy first period and how he would react without sleep.

 

When we would fight he has lost control, and I know that is just as bad. He never grabs me or even touches me at all when he's mad, but I have seen him sorta jump up and down in anger while screaming at the top of his lungs (like a temper tantrum) or pull his arm back as if he's going to punch the wall, but he never does. He once tried to go into the bathroom but the door wouldn't open so he started like, pushing it and stuff and it came back at him and bloodied his eye. I have tried to break him...I would throw things at him and get in his face and try to get him to do something (wrong, I know), but he never even stepped up or acted like that was anything like that ever crossed his mind.

 

His last relationship (with the dispised exgirlfriend) was abusive on her part, but everyone said how he never did anything back, and they couldn't understand it. She would sock him in the face and scratch him and stuff, and he would hold her hands until she calmed down. (Maybe they DO deserve each other...)

 

I know these are all terrible signs, believe me, I'm not trying to say "he never touched me so everything is fine," because it's NOT. But I just want to be honest. I'm sure I might have said some stuff at one point about how he could possibly physically abuse me in the future, because he was already doing so many things I never thought he'd do. So I think "never say never," since I really don't know what he's capable of anymore.

 

But as for everything else, I know it's not right. But what if he gets partial custody, and he has my child when I'm not there? This is one of my main concerns...it's not that I want to live in a house with an abusive man because I love it and I want what's best for me and only me. I DO think about my child too. Believe me. It consumes me.

 

He has a daughter already. The mother would occasionally go on tangents and try to get full custody of her, and it was never granted. She made up stories about sexual abuse and physical abuse but they always came out that she was lying. She's done everything to get full custody (when she actually felt like being a mom) and it's never worked. I cannot imagine just handing my kid over to him for a week at a time. This is a HUGE reason why I was trying to hard to make everything okay with us. If we lived together, I would be the one taking care of the baby, not him.

 

I really don't think he would abuse a child, but once again, I feel like I never really knew him at all. I want him to be in the baby's life, I want my kid to have a father (a good loving one who doesn't do drugs). But I want to be the one who says when and how he can be involved. If we are apart, he could go back and do drugs and stuff and I would never know. I don't want my kid around that and those people! But how am I supposed to stop it if I cannot prove anything and the court grants him 50% custody? And I won't be able to prove anything if I'm not in the picture.

[Scout]

Before I forget, I've been meaning to mention, I think you're an excellent writer! You articulate things so well.

 

Yes, I would be having exactly the same concerns you do. One thing you have on your side, regarding custody, is his record. This is a man who has been charged with road rage. Your previous apartment manager will attest he was thrown out, while you were welcome to stay.

 

Just because he hasn't been physically violent with YOU doesn't mean a court won't see that he's a man who has virtually zero self-control. Along with a history of violence with other people.

 

You could also secretly tape his tantrums.

[Beec]

BTR, he's not suitable to be considered a man the way he has been recently, in my book. I may be the most optimistic person who has posted on your thread, besides you, but you need to know that he is not the man he was in order to consider taking him back.

 

Abuse becomes addictive, and it's not something you want to get hooked on. That will not be good for either you or your child.

 

He needs to show himself being the man he is capable of being. And he should have to prove that over some time. What you do from here until he does has to be what is best for you and your child.

 

Once he does, then you may consider something. He's not there. He may not get there. If he does, you still need to constantly make sure he is being the man he should be.

[Scout]

you still need to constantly make sure he is being the man he should be.

 

Which sounds like an exhausting prospect. Especially considering there are so many men out there who are already the men they should be.

[Beec]

Which sounds like an exhausting prospect. Especially considering there are so many men out there who are already the men they should be.

 

Do you really think so? I know I am really optimistic about what people can be, and I want them to get there. Most, don't seem to. I don't stop hoping, because one or two successes keeps me working and hoping. It's like each success is the prodigal son come home, and it makes me want to slaughter the fatted calf.

 

I think all relationships can be exhausting, unless you are getting the right stuff out of it. And if you are, nothing is too much work.

[Scout]

I hear what you're saying, Beec. And having spent so much time on eNotalone, I think you and I could both be susceptible to thinking that most folks don't succeed in their relationships. I wonder if my perspective gets a bit skewed here at times. I try to keep in mind this is a website for broken hearts, for the most part, anyway, and doesn't necessarily speak for the general state of relationships all over the world.

 

Because millions and millions of people out there do find and stay in long-term relationships that are more positive than negative.

 

As for all relationships possibly being exhausting...I think in healthy relationships, there are moments where it can be a bit exhausting, but it shouldn't be a general theme of the relationship. In my last relationship, I was actually pleasantly surprised to find out that it was mostly a sense of peaceful content.

 

On the other hand, I think he may have found me exhausting.

 

But Borntoresist...you just must be about to drop. I can't imagine how you have held up under all this stress for so long. I am truly sending positive thoughts your way. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel for you, it just seems so difficult now. You are faced with hard decisions. But you've definitely got a support system here.

[Hope75]

BTR,

 

You were going to see a family lawyer to find out your rights with this pregnancy and custody of the baby. I had mentioned before his probation and his criminal assault record working against him in that respect.

 

That is NOT a good reason to live with him and be with him, BTW. Exposing a child to his temper and drug abuse and instability 24/7 is dangerous and very damaging for both of you.

 

You need to talk to a family lawyer and find out exactly what you can do to protect this baby.

[BornToResist]

Before I forget, I've been meaning to mention, I think you're an excellent writer! You articulate things so well.

 

Yes, I would be having exactly the same concerns you do. One thing you have on your side, regarding custody, is his record. This is a man who has been charged with road rage. Your previous apartment manager will attest he was thrown out, while you were welcome to stay.

 

You could also secretly tape his tantrums.

 

Thank you!!! I always loved writing, but I never think it makes sense to other people. It makes me feel good to know it does!!

 

The issue of custody is scary, and I know I need to just go talk to a lawyer to ease my mind. I keep forgetting the courts already favor the mother, especially one like I'm going to be. I have my family around, I have a very good, CONSISTENT job and a constant roof over my head. I had an excellent childhood and refuse to give my kid anything less. This past year R had himself and his daughter living in a motorhome. I would strike once anything like that happened. My kid is going to have stability, and that's what the courts want too. I'm planning on breastfeeding, thereforeeee the child can't be away from me for that long anyways, right?

 

Honestly I don't really think he'd fight me to get the child when it doesn't sleep through the night. He has a hard time keeping a job as it is and a 7 year old to take care of, so that might just be too much. If I don't try to fight and I just make it a friendly thing, like "oh I'll keep the baby for now, I know you're busy, we'll see you on the weekend..." that would definently work. I'm also planning on having child care by my work, which is about 45 minutes away from where he lives, so I don't think he'd have a problem with me taking care of everything.

 

As for taping him, I would have to be in the picture, which although it's hard to fight it, I don't feel like I'm going to be. I cannot bring myself to think living with him is ever going to be a good idea, not knowing what I know now. Been there, done that. In my heart there's a constant struggle if I should even keep talking to him or not, although I continue to. So as long as I stay sugary sweet with him, things will work out okay. Although he makes it virtually impossible.

 

That is what I did to get him to move out of my apartment, and it worked just how I had expected. He hurt me SO bad at that time, and I was ready to fight. My brother was in my corner about to attack as well, but I kept my cool. I went over there and cried to him, and he broke right in half. He went from "I'M NEVER MOVING OUT!" to "okay honey, you're already going through so much that I'll just go silently with my tail between my legs..."

 

I may be weak at times, but I'm sure as hell not stupid.

 

Which sounds like an exhausting prospect. Especially considering there are so many men out there who are already the men they should be.

 

Seriously, I'm VERY exhausted. I want to be done so badly. I know there are other men out there who will treat me right. I want to believe he can make a miraculous comeback, but I can't just sit here forever and wait. He needs to show me that he can be different, and he really hasn't done that at all. He will for a minute when the idea of having me is appealing, but then quickly loses interest when he remembers the only thing he really cares about is himself.

 

Hope is completely right when I say that in order for anything positive to happen, I need to completely back off. And I don't feel I'm ready to do that quite yet, because I know once I do that, I'm not coming back. And I'm not ready to give up on him just yet I guess. I KNOW he can be the man I loved, but will he? It's like watching a soap opera. (Tune in next week...)

 

I have faith in him because I know it can be done. I saw my brother do it...although he's a whole different species of man than R. However I am getting discouraged. I'm beginning to feel more and more like a dog that just keeps getting beaten...they know how to get out of the yard to make it stop, but they are so broken inside that they just stay, hoping for some attention and love. But one day that dog turns into a mean, horrible beast that will attack anyone who comes close to them.

 

I talked to him briefly last night and he did tell me that he's very scared right now and he feels like he's hit rock bottom. He doesn't know where he's going to live and his daughter is coming home (she was in Hawaii with her grandparents) and he can't screw up right now. (DUH!!!) I think he was expecting me to feel bad and say something positive, but I didn't. He told me he was confused by my mixed messages and asked how I felt about him. I told him that I was sorry about them and I would back off. He said that's not what he wanted, he wanted me there but didn't want to "sell" me the idea of us. I said that I cared for him a lot, but I had been burned badly, and I'm not going near the fire again anytime soon. The conversation ended pretty quickly after that.

[Hope75]

BTR,

 

Of course you can have faith, because he is going to be your child's father. You hope that he will grow up and take responsibility and be a good parent....but what price are you willing to pay while you sit here and wait? This has been going on for a long time. You left him, and it's still going on. How much of yourself will you sacrafice... waiting for someone who doesn't even care enough about HIMSELF to make positive changes... let alone you? How much more of yourself will you give away? You are 22 now...

 

So yes, you cna have hope, you can believe he has the potential to change, but you also need to use common sense and see what is before you now. How long since you left him? What changes have been made? What steps has he taken to improve the situation? Are you paying attention to what's happening now?

 

It's a little easier to want to stick around and be supportive right now, but once this baby comes, your priorities, everything in your life is going to change....your world is going to be about this child and loving him or her and keeping him or her safe. You are not going to have the time or the inclination to wait around for him to get his act together.

 

I have a hard time understanding why you still make him a priority when you are one of the last things on his list. Don't you think by now he would be making some real, honest changes if he wanted to work on things?

[Beec]

BTR, you can hope and have faith. But sitting and waiting? I wouldn't recommend that at all. You say there are lots of men who will treat you right. What happens when he gets his act straightened out and you have another great guy you've met? Then you get to make choices, good choices, not bad ones, and what's so wrong with being able to make such decisions. And if one pans out but not the other, then that's not bad either. Hope for one, work on the other. You'll get what you need.

[flower99]

If we are apart, he could go back and do drugs and stuff and I would never know. I don't want my kid around that and those people! But how am I supposed to stop it if I cannot prove anything and the court grants him 50% custody? And I won't be able to prove anything if I'm not in the picture.

 

he could go back to drugs anytime & you may never know. I'm glad your heart is slowly losing feelings...soon it will get easier & easier to let him go.

 

Where courts are concerned. As long as the child has never LIVED in the same home has the father there is next to NO chance he could EVER get 50%.

 

I know this isn't how you dreamed your first pregnancy would be like, (we all have that imagine in our mind) It's different than imagined, but you can adjust. A new dream can be birthed now. And being a single mom is something to be proud of. The sacrifices you will be making are admirable. The strength & patience God will give you is beyond belief.

 

Relax, enjoy the pregnancy & remember you've made the right decision already, you left him. So KNOW in your heart you made the right decision for the right reasons & continue to let go. keep smiling

[BornToResist]

Thanks again guys. I am surprised people still read this, I think it would be frustrating to see one person make the same mistakes over and over again no matter how hard you try to help them. It really does help me though, and I appreciate it. This site is awesome.

 

Hope, I really don't have an answer as to why I waste my time on him. I really don't. I have been sitting here contemplating that question and there is no good answer it seems.

 

He broke my heart. He showed me he doesn't care for me enough to take my feelings into consideration on pretty much anything. I don't know why I put up with this. I guess I'm afraid to be alone. And you know what? That is probably the crappiest answer I could give, but it's honest I guess.

 

I don't want to just sit here waiting for him to change, but I feel as if I'm in some sort of standstill. I'm awaiting the birth of my child and I'm saving up money like crazy, so I don't really have much of a life I guess. That really isn't a good reason either, but it makes a lot of sense as to why I'd feel so lonely. I get so tired during the day so I go to work, come home, talk to a couple people, hang out with my family for a few minutes and go to sleep. I need to add something else. I need something to take my mind off of him, because this simply is not going to work. When I stopped smoking, I chewed gum to stop the cravings. I have to slowly replace my addiction with something more healthy.

 

I feel so strong during the day, but then I'm a bag of mush at night. If only I could carry this strength throughout the rest of the day I would be fine...

 

I don't know why I care so much about him. He doesn't care for me the same way. It's really hard to admit, and even though I can put it into words, it's close to impossible to accept. But he keeps SAYING things are going to be different...he keeps telling me all the things I want to hear and that's where I get pulled back down, you know? That's what keeps me here even though I've been shown there is no substance to any of them. I just have to get that through my thick head.

 

*Rolls eyes* You know I'm getting sick of thinking the same things over and over and trying to find reasons as to why I should not give up on him, because even I'm not buying what I'm selling.

[RayKay]

Ah, well, it's worth posting again and again if it helps encourage you.

 

You are right, fearing being alone is a crappy reason to stay with someone...especially someone so toxic.

 

He is so two faced too, and about control. He threatened to leave if you did not abort, then threatened to take the baby away if you did not stay... he is a hypocrite and makes his decisions based on how he can control.

 

But, you aren't alone. You have a baby on the way, a great family it sounds like, you are a new aunt, and hey, you have us too! You are young and have a whole wonderful life ahead of you...don't waste anymore of it on him.

 

How about joining a pre-natal yoga class for example to meet other soon-to-be mums and get some good exercise in? Helps make labour/childbirth go smoother too from what I hear! Probably will do wonders for your mind too....just a thought.

[BornToResist]

How about joining a pre-natal yoga class for example to meet other soon-to-be mums and get some good exercise in? Helps make labour/childbirth go smoother too from what I hear! Probably will do wonders for your mind too....just a thought.

 

I think that's a great idea. I used to go to yoga classes all the time but had to stop when I moved. It makes me feel so wonderful and positive, and I'm sure prenatal ones will be even better! I would be able to get excited about the birth and can meet people in my area (other preggos!). I already looked up classes in my area. Thanks.

[Hope75]

I was just thinking the same thing before I read RayKay's post- prenatal yoga is a great way to keep your evenings filled and relax and enjoy your pregnancy. What did you come up with when you checked out classes?

 

But he keeps SAYING things are going to be different...he keeps telling me all the things I want to hear and that's where I get pulled back down, you know? That's what keeps me here even though I've been shown there is no substance to any of them. I just have to get that through my thick head.

 

That's the thing- when you think about this logistically, it doesn't make any sense why you are still buying into his words. I know you want him to change. You know that won't happen unless he wants it and wants it enough to work at it. I guess you just have to work on accepting that until it sinks in.

 

Is it this weekend you are hanging out with your superstrong female friend?

[BornToResist]

Okay so Monday morning update...

Saturday I went and hung out with my friend, she is AWESOME. She did my hair and I feel fabulous...just what I needed. An extra boost of confidence always helps. I left feeling awesome.

 

Sunday...I saw my ex. (I KNOW) He has a friend (the one who told me he'd be there for me no matter what) and it was his son's first birthday party. So he invited me and I went. I had a good time, everyone kept telling me how happy they are for me and all these girls wanted to go to my baby shower when I have one...I felt totally in place, you know? I wasn't some outsider who was intruding or wasn't supposed to be there. And I looked great because my hair was perfect... So his friend kept hugging me and telling me how beautiful it was that I'm having this baby and his life has changed so much from when his son was born. I felt so good.

 

I hung out with the ex for a bit at the party and things were okay. He would smile when people would talk about the baby, and he told me that he wants to be in the delivery room so he can be there for me (whaaaaat? Where did that come from?). It was so nice. My ex kept telling me nice things (predictable), but he was sweet and sincere and I'm happy with how he behaved. I could tell he was sober and he got really uncomfortable when his druggy friend showed up, but that's a good thing. (A group of people would get up and disappear...they'd go get their fix and we know what they are doing, but he'd just stay right by me. In the past we usually would have gone with them, especially him, but he didn't acknowledge them at all. I know it doesn't sound like a whole lot, but it's a huge change for the better...) I left afterwards and there really was NO drama. That's pretty much it...I was happy I went.

 

I haven't actually picked up the phone to call my ex this entire weekend...I feel so liberated. It became kind of a game in my mind. See how long I can go without calling him. So I'm doing alright.

 

I found a yoga studio right by my work and they have a class once a week that I can go to. First I want to get my doctor's okay though, then I'll start up. I've already started getting back pains and my sciatica (SP?) is feeling funky so this should help...

[Beec]

I'm not going to tell you to call him, but from what he was doing before to what he did this weekend, I think you should show some appreciation. He's fighting to stay sober, and all signs I've heard of indicate that the reason he is doing so is because of you.

 

Also, I would not be so surprised at his wanting to be there in the delviery room. I had an former colleague who became pregnant in the first month after taking a job at my former firm. She was on the pill, but it doesn't always prevent pregnancy. When she first became pregnant, her boyfriend told her to abort like your ex did, but once she told him that hse was having the baby with or without him, he changed his tune. He was the one making sure she was doing everything she should to have a healthy baby and putting in lots of effort. Will she ever forget what he did when she told him? NO, and neither will you. But she did appreciate how he stepped up afterward.

 

Your ex seems to be beginning to step up. When you do see or speak to him (we know you probably will soon), give him a moment, just a moment of recognition for it. But he needs to keep doing it for a lot longer, like the rest of his lifetime. And he should hear that message too.

[flower99]

Thank you for the update!

That fricken awesome...all of it!

so glad you have a good friend to boost your confidence & spirit. Happy the birthday went well & drama free.

Congatulations

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

You sound very positive and I'm happy about that. I hope you will keep your eyes open and not let one good visit cloud your judgement.

 

Enjoy your pregnancy, and keep your eyes open for red flags- don't let him fool you with a few good hours- make sure he's working on himself.

 

Have you talked to him about anger management and an addiction program?

[BornToResist]

I'm happy with the way things went, but I know that it was only one day. It doesn't take away everything that happened, and it's really easy to make someone feel special for a couple hours. It doesn't mean that it's going to stick...well I'm certainly not convinced.

 

I haven't really talked to him about anger management or drug programs because I already did that before. I'm not going to play his mother again. I have enough on my plate and I'm going to let him handle his life. He's a big boy, right? This is just another thing he has to prove to me, and it won't happen with me pushing him to it. He already knows I will support him and encourage it, but he needs to do it himself, that's the only way it will stick.

 

This past weekend I told him he looked skinny and he seemed a little surprised and said he wasn't doing drugs. He also said he was looking for a place in that town, and I told him at that time that I would think it was a bad idea considering how terrible of an effect it has on him and the people he hangs around with while there are such bad influences, but it's his choice. So I don't know what he's going to do, so I'll just have to see how he is.

 

I keep having this weird dreams, which I guess are normal when you're pregnant. But one really got to me...I dreamed his exgirlfriend came to him and told him she was pregnant with his kid too and she was keeping it. I know it was just a dream and all, but it really freaked me out. So I still have my guard up all the way. I was also thinking today that it's entirely possible he still goes to her house...and I'd be able to find out (her sister might still babysit for him). If that's the case, I'm going to tell him to completely bug off, which I'm prepared to do. I'm kind of expecting to have to. I don't have a problem with it at this point, and even though he'd tell me all these excuses as to why it should be okay, I have to watch out for ME, right? He's not going to, so somebody has to. And I'm sick of putting up with petty drama BS that was brought on by his actions. So I figure that these "good" moments are entirely fleeting, although I am enjoying it while they are there.

 

I got my security deposit from the apartment back, and they only took about $100.00 out which is unheard of. So I got a ton back, and I have enough to pay off ALL my bills AND have a bit left in the bank as savings for a new-to-me car.

 

I'm 15 or 16 weeks, not sure which one. I'm getting fatter by the day...I can't believe how my belly looks! There's no denying I'm pregnant and I'm starting to feel so great(finally!). I'm starting to look back and there are more and more good days than there have been for a long time. I see a direct pattern...

R in life = Pain + Drama + Stress.

Limited R in life = Temporary Pain + Better Days + Happier Me + DRAMA FREE

 

If only I can remember that when I'm down in the dumps.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

Update:

R just got kicked out of where he was staying.

 

The guy he is currently staying with apparently has a pretty bad drug problem. His older brother has seen it escalate within the time R has been there, and has told him he's gotta go. He's worried about his younger brother and wants R out as soon as possible....

 

I thought R wasn't doing drugs. He still says that this guy was the one with the problem, I kinda knew he had one. I saw a couple things when I was there that made me think drugs were around...but I guess this guy was even selling it. Or supposed to sell it. He'd buy larger quantities and just end up doing them all or have friends over and get them all high without having them pay for it. So his efforts to make money off of drugs went to hell (as they should).

 

I'm very confused now. I guess I should just continue to keep my distance. I think it's a good thing he's away from this guy, but was he really the one with the problem? If so, how could you stay with someone like this for so long in the first place? I would rather live under a bridge...

 

Or is R in it way worse than I thought? There's nothing I can do...there's nothing I can do...there's nothing I can do....I keep feeling like I need to rush in and save him and get him out of that place. But HE'S the one who got himself there in the first place. He HAD a safe place to live with a woman who loved him, and he chose this over that. Just have to keep reminding myself of that. He is not a victim.

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

I have serious doubts that R's friend's drug problem would have dramatically worsened while R was staying there if R wasn't directly contributing to it by using with him. I know in the past that has been how it was with my ex and with his friends, and with my friend's ex and his druggie friends too. It just wouldn't make sense otherwise... why would this friend be using more simply because R was there, if he didn't have R as a companion to use with? If R wasn't using, why would the friend increase his usage? This is one of those no-brainers I think. R's friend got a druggie companion and they got comfortable together.

 

R is likely thinner too because he isn't taking care of himself and he is using more. With him getting kicked out of your apt and going through the breakup and moving in with a friend with a known breakup, the temptation to increase using is soooo there- don't you think? I don't think he was being honest with you about using because he's trying to get you to come back and he knows that upsets you. This isn't the first time he's lied to you in order to save face.

 

You are right that you can't be his mother and rush in to help him anymore. He got himself into this mess... he needs to be the responsible adult and get himself out... it doesn't look like he's anywhere near ready to do that.

 

With everything that's happened, I still find it so odd that him talking to his ex would be the one thing to make you push him away for good... not the way he treated you. Do you find that odd too?

 

On a side note.... when do we get to see pics of your belly?

I'm glad you are feeling good and healthy and starting to get some energy back. The second trimester is the best in terms of energy and feeling good... you deserve a break and to feel good.

[Beec]

R's not close to being someone who can take care of himself, which should be a bare minimum requirement. He's got a lot of growing to do before he is suitable. However, he, from what BTR saw, put in some effort to not use while she was there. That's a good thing, even if they never get back together, because he needs to not use to be a decent father and because he implicitly acknowledged that she would not tolerate more use by him. Good steps, if mini steps in the right direction.

 

Hope, He's not anyone BTR should be involved with right now, but whether he is using more or not is pure speculation on your part. Applaud the steps that are good, look for the ones that are not, but don't see them unless you see them.

 

He's got growing up to do. Will he ever do enough to get back together with BTR and hold onto her, that's doubtful, there's too much history between them.

[Hope75]

Hey Beec,

 

I understand where you are coming from- the eternal optomist. And again, I agree that he needs to be able to not use in order to be a good parent for his child, and if he can clean himself up, he deserves that chance to be a good parent, and that child will need him.

 

Of course my statements are only opinions based on previous experience. Unfortunately, the town I grew up in is rampant with drug use and dealing. My ex of 5 years was addicted to marijuana and selling also. He had many friends in the same boat. I also had friends whose (now exes) were in the same boat. I have considerable experience with people with similar addictions to R's. This is where my advice is coming from- MY experience with people struggling with addictions.

 

I can only say, that based on MY previous experience with drug addicts, that a person isn't likely to increase his usage and selling dramatically enough while R was living there to warrent a family member kicking R out, if R wasn't using with this friend as a companion and enabler.

 

The risk factors for increasing usage are there for R- the breakup, being kicked out of BTR's apt...he has taken a couple of blows as a result of his choices right now...and as someone who has turned to drugs in the past, and has not stopped, that can spell disaster.

 

Of course I would love to believe that he is being clean- but I would be hard pressed given the information that BTR has shared about his current situation.

[Beec]

Well, I am an optimist. But I don't know if he is being clean or not, when BTR is not around. But I do know that he spent some time sober while she was there. That's a tiny, little step, but it is one, I think. He could have taken two bigger steps back that night or stayed clean to date which would be a much bigger one forward. We don't know, and neither does BTR.

 

It's going to take a lot of steps forward by him with none using for him to be where he should be, in order for her to consider any significant contact with him. I think we agree on that. And I think we both want her to stay strong enough to make sure she does not fall for a cheap showing by him.