Things CAN get worse...

[BornToResist]

Congratulations aunty (:

Wow, This whole post is so great!!! It made me so happy to hear everything is going well for you.

You're handling things excellently & your friend sound like a gift from God

keep it up & keep smiling.

hugs & love

 

Thank you! I'm feeling really good today too. My baby niece came home last night (they have been staying at my mom's until they can move out of state) and it was amazing. I'm so happy I didn't get an abortion. I would be a complete wreck right now!

 

I got to hold this beautiful perfect baby that is so helpless and fragile...it was unbelievable. (Everytime I'd ask to hold her my brother would say "Go have your own!" lol..) But to know that I'm going to have one...wow. When I saw my sister in law in the hospital she looked so peaceful and happy (exhausted! but happy...) and I knew she was. I can't wait for that feeling. But I'm getting the crash-course in babies for the next couple months. I'm really pretty clueless, but not for long!

 

I keep saying how it sucks that I'm the only pregnant chick I know now (for only 2 days), and my older niece dances around telling me how soon February is...scary! I talked to some more of my old friends last night and told them the news. One in particular is VERY excited. I saw her go through a couple abortions when we were young and I know they were tough on her, but she is so happy for me.

 

I've been having trouble with my medical insurance for the past 3 months and finally got it all figured out today and switched my doctors. I get to go to my old gyno who I loved so much! I'm excited! She was awesome and they were able to schedule me an appointment right away (although I gotta wait til after the 1st b/c of my stupid insurance...). I feel very comfortable at that office though.

 

I've only been to one doctor's appointment so far, where they gave me a pelvic and I heard the heartbeat. It took me 6 weeks to get in there for that. That office was really run down, PACKED and in a bad part of town, but I was stuck with them until I moved. (Another good thing about getting away from that crappy town, new doctor!) Other than that one time, I haven't been. No bloodwork or anything. I was stressing about that too, but it will be fine. *sigh* When I go to the doctor I'll be about 18 weeks or so and I'll get to find out if it's a boy or girl hopefully!!! Yay!!

 

As for the ex....I talked to him last night (I know, I know) but things were actually really cool. He had to drive for about 20 minutes to a phone to call me (his wasn't working...). He understands why I don't want to live with him and said I have more than enough reason to feel that way. He was frustrated when I brought it up before (see earlier post) because he doesn't know what I want...he thought I wanted to live w/him but then not, so now he's gonna look for a smaller place. It wasn't b/c he was upset that we weren't going to live together, he gets that. I hope that makes sense. So he was really a lot more understanding about it than I originally thought. We talked for a few minutes, he told me he missed me, and that was that! No drama, completely stress free! Hooray!

 

Life is good...

[Beec]

All of it is good to hear.

 

R is a long way from being someone you should live with, but, he seems to be looking at the road he needs to go down to become the man he would need to be, if not on it. But I would hope that you make sure that is a long, long road. Still I'd encourage or challenge him to get on it and stick to it.

 

He's not causing problems anymore, or so it seems, but I don't think you can trust that this is not a wholely temporary condition.

 

He cannot and will not get on the right road without wanting to do it himself. But, you and your child and wanting to be near and with you can be powerful motivators. And regardless of if he is with you or not, ever again, he needs to be on this road for your child. While you may change your thoughts on wanting him back, don't stop encouraging him to get on the right road. That should take a back seat to two things; your child's welfare and your well-being.

[BornToResist]

Yeah I know you're right. I doubt it's going to be easy from here on out. Actually I know it's not. He seems to be on the right road, but I don't know how long that's going to last.

 

Hope mentioned (which I figured out when typing up a different post) that he hasn't hit rock bottom yet. He hasn't lost everything. He doesn't know what that pain feels like yet. I'm still here, letting him get away with murder practically. I keep staying by him and taking the blunt of the pain so he can feel like I haven't abandoned him. *light bulb* OMG I gotta get to counceling. I'm discovering so much about myself while going through this, as well as all my underlying issues...(Issues with father, abandonment, etc.) Gotta break the cycle!

 

My prediction:

He's going to try to get a place (hopefully it will work out for him) but I think his credit is messed up and he doesn't know how to save money at all. I think it's going to be harder for him than he realizes. (I had to work my little butt off for months to get us into that last place, and it only worked when I didn't put him on the lease.) Then he will get frustrated and want me to bail him out and once again I will have to try to fight the urge to jump in and save him. When I don't, he'll hurt me again. Treat me like I'm nothing. He'll spiral out of control and use drugs because life is hard. I know he resents me because I can always go back to my moms, and he doesn't have that...even though that isn't MY fault. (I REALLY hope this doesn't happen, but I know the track record...) OR if he finds a place, he's not going to know what to do with his free time, and then I'll be replaced. This worries me a lot since I still do love him...

 

Maybe not though, who knows. He seems to be making changes, but I'll just wait it out and see if he's for real or not. How else can I know for sure? He needs to be tested, right? I can't just come bail him out everytime. He's a grown man for crying out loud. And he's got a kid on the way, and sometimes that makes people flip 360's in their lives.

 

I really hope that I'm just not giving him enough credit and he blows me away. I know he's capable of it. But willing?

[Hope75]

Maybe not though, who knows. He seems to be making changes, but I'll just wait it out and see if he's for real or not. How else can I know for sure? He needs to be tested, right? I can't just come bail him out everytime. He's a grown man for crying out loud. And he's got a kid on the way, and sometimes that makes people flip 360's in their lives.

 

You are right BTR. You aren't his mother, and you aren't responsible for him. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and be responsible for himself, and how else is he going to learn? You can't save him, and the more you cover his as* when he messes up, the more you enable him to mess up. Even if it doesn't feel like it now, you will actually be doing him a favor and forcing him to own up and take responsibility for himself. Back off, let him do this himself- MAKE him do this himself.

 

If he ends up starting to see someone else, well, that tells you where you REALLY are on his list of priorities, doesn't it? If he cares as much as he claims to, he will follow his words that up with the ACTIONS to prove it, as in, getting clean, getting to anger management counseling and classes, getting his own place, supporting himself LONG TERM, following the terms of his probation (and I'm pretty sure doing drugs is a direct violation of that)...showing you and treating you with CONSISTANT love, kindness and RESPECT. He has alot of work to do.

 

I know you are afraid to give him a chance to prove himself because he so far has always let you down. This isn't someone you can count on right now. BUT.... if you let go of the control and force him to learn to take care of himself- he will have little choice but to start taking accountability.. and that will make him a better candidate for this baby's father. When you are an actual mother, you won't have the time to be covering for him and chasing him down and taking care of him any more. He needs to be able to do that for himself, and for this baby too.

[flower99]

Hooray!! completely stress free, that's wonderful. As long as you guys can continue to try understand eachother you can build a friendship (or at least a way to raise this child on good terms with eachother) But can you get over him with him still in your life like this? (some people can, some can't) which are you????

 

Wow that's so awesome you have your neice around right now. What a blessing & a reminder of yours growing in you that's wonderful! Yeah it must be quite the crash course, But remember your instincts will kick in fast when it's your own.

 

Congratulations on the new doctor out of the crappy town. That's great news! (don't worry about the wait. Everything will work it self out) plus maybe you'll get to find out the sex at the next appointment.

[BornToResist]

Hooray!! completely stress free, that's wonderful. As long as you guys can continue to try understand eachother you can build a friendship (or at least a way to raise this child on good terms with eachother) But can you get over him with him still in your life like this? (some people can, some can't) which are you????

 

I don't know yet, it's hard to say at this point. At the moment I'm still in love with this guy and I want him around a lot because I'm pregnant and lonely. I'd feel crushed if he moved on right now since I'm getting all fat and I feel we should be doing all this stuff TOGETHER, so I'd feel super rejected and hurt. (Not really anything new in this relationship...)

 

But I believe no matter what happens I'll be able to be friends with him (at least that's what I believe, I can't speak for him...). I am really close friends with all of my ex's, no matter what happened in our relationship. It took a little time, but I get over it rather quickly. And I know it would be a lot easier when I have a child to do it for.

 

One day I know I'm going to wake up and feel differently about him (I know it's coming soon)...there's like a light switch in my brain. I can feel very strongly for a person and I'll put up with their BS, until one day, it's like *FLIP* I'm done, go away! It's weird. At that point there is no emotion left for that person and I don't care what they do. It's hard to explain.

 

The exbf who I'm really good friends with ("J") hurt me a lot in our relationship (he never did anything crazy, just broke my heart). But we were willing to do what it took to build a friendship afterwards, and it hurt to see him with new girlfriends, but I handled it. I think that's the way it would be with R, if not easier. Although it would be trying at times because he would go out of his way to try to hurt me, but once I reach that point, he won't be able to. I'll know it's coming. I never play into those you-hurt-me-so-I'll-hurt-you games. I don't give them anything and I just kill them with kindness so it ends rather quickly. They end up feeling bad about it instead.

 

He is trying trying trying to get me back. Yeah, in my heart I want to because I still do love him and because of this kid, but I think it's going to hurt him a lot more than it will me when we finally break it off for good. He's already killed a bunch of feelings I have for him and they aren't coming back. There's only so many left...

 

So I think I can be friends with him, but I'm not too sure about vice versa. He has an okay relationship with his daughter's mom, but he never cared for her like he did me. She was a casual thing and she got pregnant on purpose, and they tried to make it work for the sake of the baby. It backfired and she ended up completely destroying him, but he didn't do anything out of line because he did always think of his daughter first. But like I said, he didn't love her. He couldn't get hurt since he didn't love her anyways, but he can with me (although he hasn't really shown me he LOVES me in a few months)...if that makes sense. So we might be different, I don't know.

 

I hope that made sense. Man I write long posts.

[flower99]

oh that totally made sense. You are very wise & strong. Not many people can do that!

I think considering the kind of person you are you will be friends later, it just might take time. & your right one day you will not feel for him anymore. Till that day....well i know you'll handle well (: You're strong & smart....keep killing him with kindness, may he might learn a thing or two.

[BornToResist]

I tried to not call him tonight...but I finally broke and called him. He didn't pick up. He doesn't have caller ID so he's not blocking me, and sometimes his phone doesn't work, but now since I haven't talked to him, I'm seriously FREAKING out. I'm getting anxiety attacks and stuff, and I don't know how to stop it.

 

How can I just walk away from him? It's too hard.

 

Sorry for my constant complaining, but I feel so helpless. It's not good for me to freak out like this... I know once I talk to him everything will be okay, but I would have been fine if I just called him right off the bat...

 

I keep thinking he's with his exgirlfriend, but he's probably just sleeping or something. Why am I obsessing? How do I make this feeling go away?

 

UPDATE:

I talked to him. His friend's car ran out of gas so he was home late. During our conversation I broke down in tears.

 

I don't know why I do this, I know I'm sending mixed signals now. But I feel so hurt and upset at him, but at the same time I'm so afraid he's going to leave me that I want to keep him close to me, too. I don't want to do this all by myself. I WANT to be "with" him when I have this baby. I'm so scared to be alone right now...it feels like I have to grip to him because otherwise I will be alone...

 

I'm so overly emotional, I know it's not fun to even talk to me on the phone. I'm so clingy and insecure and am begging for reassurance, but then I won't let him in at all. I push him away when he tries to get too close because I'm so mad at him. This isn't healthy for either one of us. I don't want to play these games, it's exhausting.

 

Why am I doing this? I don't want to feel like this or be this way...I don't know what to do...

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

I'm going to take a couple of wild guesses and say that part of it are the raging hormones you are having right now, and part of it is because even though you KNOW he is bad news... you were with him for a while and it takes time and an adjustment to get used to a new way of life that does not involve him.

 

You are NOT helpless, by any means. You have shown strength that I and others admire, and you should give yourself credit for that. You left him because your head was telling you that he is NOT someone who you should be with, and because it was a DANGEROUS place for the baby.

 

I know how much you want to be with him... but you do know that nothing has changed and that is NOT a safe place for you or your baby. You need to learn how to begin to let go of the control and push yourself back from him..... he still doesn't feel like he's lost anything because look, he goes one night without talking to you and you are a broken down wreck. If you are ever going to see any changes from him, you have to back off and give him a chance to miss you, and to see the consequences of his actions and choices in life right now.

 

I KNOW this is hard.... I can see you struggling with it. You need to come up with a plan. Have a list of contacts that you can call, sort of like "sponsors", when you are feeling weak and need to talk to someone. Wear a rubberband on your wrist and SNAP it when you feel like calling him- to remind you to back off and give him space so he has a chance to make some changes... IF that is what he wants! Remember, this has to be for him because he wants it and values it.. not because you harass and harang him (as you have done in the past and it has NOT worked....).

 

Have you thought about counseling? You are a victim here and I think you would benefit from talking to a professional about what you have been through and are going through- to help you put it in perspective.

 

It's time to stop thinking about what YOU want for a bit... and think about your baby, and what is BEST for that baby- and right now, your ex is choosing this destructive lifestyle OVER you and this baby. He is NOT making you a priority. That in itself should tell you alot.

 

Hang in there, and BACK OFF HIM. Post here when you are tempted. Call friends, talk to your mom, anyone. You are NOT giving him a chance... and you are not being fair to yourself or the baby.

[Beec]

I know this may be getting to be a habit, but I may, I said may, disagree with Hope.

 

She's right in that you need to keep yourself away from him. He's not suitable material to be with now. I have not ever and won't question it. When he will be is your choice, but he needs to have made the right changes. There has not been enoughy time yet. And going back in quickly is a big mistake. He should need to have some signs of real maturity, like being able to maintain a place to live, etc.

 

From what you have said, he may still be looking at that road, or not. (I might be a little suspicious about the car runing out of gas story, but you probably cannot prove it a lie.)

 

OK, but the mixed signals you are giving him, I THINK THEY ARE GREAT. You put distance betwen yourself and him but still show you care and in some way want him. You run away, but do something to mkae him chase you. He was miserable recently without you. The mixed signals give him an idea he has a chance. It may be motivating. I think they are great in how they might affect him.

 

I also think he will have a long way to go. But that's your choice.

[RayKay]

Honey,

 

Stay strong.

 

Given his violent past with you, most of which I know a lot of posters here may not realize, it is so important that you stay strong for you and this baby. He is still trying to control and influence you, and I suspect you are very vulnerable to that right now.

 

You don't need him, and your baby does not need someone whom is verbally abusive and clearly has violent tendencies too sweetie....I think most people here don't know the whole story about it, but as someone whom does (and Hope does too)...you really have to stay away.

 

As a side note....WHO really just "runs out of gas"??? Is it not basically impossible to ignore the beeps, red gas light.....I don't really believe it.

[Relationship Coach]

BTR,

You came here for help and support and Hope has given you the best advice possible. She has been on the other end of the frustration, anger and abuse like you and knows the feeling of being liberated from it too! This site has helped many in your position and the best way we can help you is to get you to understand what makes you want to contact him or go back to him. We can't help you to understand him and we certainly can't help you change him, he is who he is.

 

I have worked with many women in your position, pregnant and all. Your initial instinct to get away from him was pure survival. Like animals, we are taught to protect the weak and unborn, a mother's protective instinct starts at conception. You recognized your ex's behavior as dangerous and harmful to your baby as well as his hatefulness in general. You know that he is not father material and the abuse if given a chance would be one day directed at your child. I know that in moments of weakness you miss him it's natural, even if he is an abuser. How often are you blamed for his failures? How many more times were you supposed to allow him to hit you? What you did by leaving him was put yourself and your baby on a better path. Everyone enjoys to be happy or to at least have the chance to pursue happiness, this is your chance.

 

You need to understand that he has conditioned you to feel worthless and weak. All abusers strip away the dignity of their victims first. This lesson the chances of them leaving or fighting back. Victims become immune to the abuse and learn to accept it as a way of life. They make excuses for him and even help to justify it by putting the blame on themselves. Just like you make excuses for him not picking up the phone when you recently called him. You have become conditioned to always give him the benefit of doubt. You are in a safe place today, a better place. I know that at times you do not feel this but as his grasp on you wears off, you will start to feel more in control. As your baby continues to grow inside of you, you will become stronger. Use this place as an outlet and realize that your situation is not unique and others who have been there are willing to help you regain your dignity and respect.

 

RC

[Scout]

BornToResist, I am not sure what to say. It seems you are in a very fragile place right now, where you are so vulnerable to taking this abusive man back.

 

While that pains me for you, you are an adult and can make your own decisions. Your baby, however, can not. And you know perfectly well that if you stay with this man, you are potentially subjecting a helpless child to a violent environment.

 

I guess I really struggle to understand how anyone could willingly go back to a situation where her child could be harmed. And yet, every day women with children just stay and stay in an abusive relationship. Their kids are miserable and constantly in fear. And eventually grow up to be either abusers themselves, or victims of other abusers. The cycle continues.

 

Sometimes, this world just makes me sad.

[Beec]

BTR, Please note, I agree with RayKay, RC and Scout. He's not anyone you can let back in right now. First and foremost in your mind right now has to be to first take care of your child and yourself.

[BornToResist]

Thank you all for your replies. It really helps me. I feel so unbelievably weak at the moment and I really don't have that many places to turn (or so it feels like). I know being pregnant and all the hormones that come along with it are making this a million times worse. For the record, he has never laid a hand on me. The abuse here is mental, verbal and emotional, which seems to maybe be worse, I'm not sure. The person I used to be was taken apart and now I'm left confused and feel helpless and worthless because I don't even know who I am anymore.

 

I broke down again last night. I realized that what I'm afraid of most is happening, and although it hurts, it is not that terrible. I DO NOT want to live with him, and I know that once he gets a place, this part will become comfortable. That will make the next step easier, and so on and so forth. I think I'm just really coming to terms with the fact that we are NOT going to work out...I'm devastated by it, but I cannot go back to him. I know in my heart that it's not right.

 

My older brother keeps telling me "So what's it gonna be like having TWO babies to take care of now? Are you excited? You get to take care of one crying one and have the benefit of ALSO dealing with (in whiney voice) 'I don't have any money!' 'I don't WANT to work to pay my rent...' 'Why did my car get taken away? It was only FOUR months I didn't pay the bill because I went surfing instead of work' 'POOR ME!' ...That's gonna be AWESOME, huh?" He's sarcastic and to the point, but always right.

 

No matter how many lies I try to get myself to believe, I'm kind of on auto-pilot now. I can't do it. I'm losing the feelings. It doesn't seem like it right now, but I think it's hurting so badly because the feelings are actually dying, if that makes sense. I am not that same trusting person who would do anything for him anymore. He threw all we had away like it was worthless, and I physically cannot invest any more of my soul into that again. I WANT to, believe me, I do, there's that HUGE part of me (the one that breaks down to him and needs constant reassurance) that wants to believe everything can work out, but the whole core of me knows otherwise. I won't let myself get into that again, I'm protecting myself even though I'm trying to fight it.

 

I wanted so badly to have a happy pregnancy with the family and whole nine yards. Lord knows I don't want to be a single mother right off the bat...but I'll be ready by then. This step is hard, but once I get through this, I will be stronger. He completely isolated me when we were together from all the people I used to know, so I have to build my support system all over again. I'm hanging out with one of my girlfriends this weekend who was really close with me. She's a strong woman and a great influence. That's a start.

[RayKay]

Hang in there honey, you WILL be okay. And you WILL be a GREAT mother. And...in time, you will find a GREAT partner to be there for you and this baby. You CAN have a happy, healthy pregnancy and a family. It's not with this guy though.

 

And listen to your brother! He's right!

[flower99]

Hang in there honey, you WILL be okay. And you WILL be a GREAT mother. And...in time, you will find a GREAT partner to be there for you and this baby. You CAN have a happy, healthy pregnancy and a family. It's not with this guy though.

 

And listen to your brother! He's right!

 

Yep i agree completely!

stay strong, you are doing good!

[Hope75]

For the record, he has never laid a hand on me. The abuse here is mental, verbal and emotional, which seems to maybe be worse, I'm not sure. The person I used to be was taken apart and now I'm left confused and feel helpless and worthless because I don't even know who I am anymore.

Hey BTR,

 

I realize this doesn't change a heck of alot, but in your original posts (under the old user name- which unfortunately now have been archived or deleted) when you first came here you mentioned he had 'pushed you around' in the past.

 

While added to every other terrible thing he's done it doesn't make much difference, do you not consider that abuse? The way he treated you was definitely abuse.... but I recall you saying he had pushed you as well, and that is physical abuse. (and what he did to get himself on probation is also physical abuse...)

 

I am glad that your instincts are to protect your baby, regardless of what your lonely feelings are doing to you. That you recognize being with him is NOT a safe or healthy environment to raise a child in.

 

RC is so right when he says that you can't bring a helpless infant into a relationship like that, and subject him or her to potential danger and violence. With your ex's temper I worry about the safety of a baby who will NOT stop crying because your ex has reached his breaking point.

 

I read an article in the news last night about an infant brought to the ER because he stopped breathing. Upon examination he was found to have 26 broken bones in various stages of healing... cardinal signs of abuse. Babies don't know any better, and your ex assaulted a person just for tooting his horn at him.... I worry about your baby's safety.

 

Keep it up, and have a GREAT time with your strong girlfriend this weekend!

 

(Your brother is SOOOO right-- you are going to have enough on your plate trying to raise the baby, let alone trying to placate and support your unstable, violent ex.)

[Scout]

I read an article in the news last night about an infant brought to the ER because he stopped breathing. Upon examination he was found to have 26 broken bones in various stages of healing... cardinal signs of abuse. Babies don't know any better, and your ex assaulted a person just for tooting his horn at him.... I worry about your baby's safety.

 

And when I hear stories like that, I just become absolutely enraged that anyone could ever do that to a child. Such evil in this world. But some of the worst evil is when people just passively allow it to happen - as some spouses allow their partners to abuse their children.

 

Again, I cannot even fathom the idea of letting your child live in the same household with this man.

[RayKay]

I too remember the old name, and the stories of being "pushed around".

 

Anyway, asides from that....verbal and emotional abuse may not physically cause you damage, but I promise that they will kill you and that child emotionally. Your child will grow up under this weight, with extremely low self esteem, likely depression...and the cycle will repeat over..and over..and over.

 

I read your journals honey, and there is so much pain, and drama in your life, associated around this man. This is not normal, this is not healthy. You are going to be a MOM honey, and it is your BIGGEST job to protect that child and let that child feel loved 100% - and that child needs to also NOT see their mother being hurt. And that means you HAVE to leave this situation with R. There are no half-ways or sorta leaving..you HAVE to leave.

[Relationship Coach]

Do you realize what you are risking by staying with him? We are talking about a human life, a life that right now is inside of you and depending upon you for everything. Staying with this poor excuse of a man can put you essentially at risk of being an accessory to MURDER! Right now you have a choice to walk away and spare your child from any harm. Your child has no voice or choice right now is at YOUR mercy. Do you understand what the stress of this can do to your unborn child?

 

You say he is not physical, sorry I have too much experience in what I do to believe that, I know the escalation principle and cycles. If you stay with him, your actions are saying, "I like this abuse, I love the drama and I have no regard for my baby." Is that who you are or how you want to be? The reason you are struggling with leaving him is he has conditioned you to accept his behavior and thrive on it. Someday he will teach your child to do the same.

 

RC

[Scout]

The reason you are struggling with leaving him is he has conditioned you to accept his behavior and thrive on it. Someday he will teach your child to do the same.

RC

 

Hon, this is so true. I wish I didn't know from personal experience, but I do. I was in a similar relationship years and years ago, and the violence DID escalate. The guy was also a complete loser like you describe - I paid our bills more often than not, and one day I just realized I was wasting precious moments of my life as long as I was stuck in such a dead-end, miserable relationship.

 

It's hard to be a single mom, I know, because I was raised by one. But it would be infinitely harder to be a mom constantly having to protect your child - not to mention yourself - from an irrational, angry man with a hair trigger temper who refuses to accept any responsibility for his actions, and instead, blames everyone else. Ugh. We get one pass at this thing called life. Do you really want to waste your's in such a miserable prison sentence?

[Scout]

I just saw this article in the news today...these are the lengths that abusive, angry people will go to, and yes, that includes hurting their children in order to hurt their partner.

 

link removed

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

Here is that story I was talking about:

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

I know it seems like everyone is ganging up on you and telling you the same thing. It's because we are concerned for you and I, for one, and so afraid that you are so blinded by your feelings for him that you can't see the forest for the trees (i.e. him for what he really is).

 

We just want you and your baby to be safe, that's all.

 

We are here for you.

 

((HUGS))

[Scout]

Yeah, I don't want to come accross as ganging up on you. That's the problem with abuse threads, everyone gets so alarmed for the poster, but the poster starts to feel defensive.

 

If you can, try to keep in mind that although we all word our feedback differently/uniquely, all of us are on YOUR side...ok?