Things CAN get worse...

[southerngirl]

Dealing with death is different for everyone. If you do not want to go then dont. You can allways go to the gravesite later and pay your own personal respects.

 

I believe that those that pass over dont really care either way. They arent going to get upset if you arent there. I mean... Shes in heaven and shes happy right now! She knows what is in your heart and knows that you love her.

 

Funeral services are for those that are left behind. So if your not up to it, dont go.

[Dilly]

I agree, I think it's totally up to you to make the first step to tell your dad but if he doesn't follow through, it's not your fault. You tried. He can pull it together to offer two hours of lucid sobriety, right?

 

I also agree that funerals arae for those left behind. If you do decide to go, focus on trying to rebuild the spirit of your grandmother with others present. Her memory will be strong in the hearts of all.

[BornToResist]

Thanks guys. I don't think I'm going to go because it is at her house. I have wonderful memories of us there and I really don't want to ruin them by going there now. The memories themselves hurt, I can't imagine being around them with a bunch of people who are crying and grieving and not her. I never really got along with anyone on my dad's side of the family and during all family gatherings my grandma and I would sit by each other on the sidelines and watch the circus of people. It was always just us in those situations. I doubt I'd even be able to get out of the car. I've already been under a lot of stress during the earlier parts of this pregnancy and I think it's better this way. I just know I'm going to hear a lot of "you should be doing this" but that's okay.

 

I guess all I can do is call and leave a message for my dad. Hopefully he'll call me back. And as sad as it sounds, 2 hours of sobriety is really hard to come by. He used to come out and visit me on my lunches and he'd already be drinking and order a few more while we were out. But that's his problem. I just have to tell him the facts, and I can do that on the phone. If he is shocked or something, I can just tell him to call me back when he's more composed. *shrug* I don't know what else to do.

[Dilly]

Yeah, and the super sad thing is that he probably would get DT's if he didn't drink if he's almost always on the bottle. I'm sorry you're going through this, BTR. I think you should do whatever keeps you calm. Have a nice night.

[BornToResist]

Today's my doctor's appointment....I'm so nervous. I'm so scared that they're going to say there's something terribly wrong. I know it's unlikely, but it doesn't matter. R was supposed to go with me, but it doesn't look like he'll be able to get off work. AND he finally found a place...AND he sold his car that was still at his ex's house...so he's moving in today and getting his car out of her yard. He talked to her yesterday and I guess she was screaming at him to go away so he's going back tonight when she won't be there. Weird but whatever. He got a place, that's a big improvement. Another step in the right direction.

 

He also told me about this house that is gonna be going up for rent in a few months. I don't know what to think...it's practically a mansion and it's for reallllly cheap...affordably cheap. It has THREE bedrooms (master has fireplace and balcony and huge tub), then there would be room for a nursery...and his daughter could have a room too... I told him that's nice and that was it, but I can't get it off my mind...it's so beautiful. And of course it would look appealing because I'm being pushed back and forth thru a crammed house like a ping-pong ball...I don't know.

 

I talked to my dad yesterday but I chickened out. He told me when the scattering of the ashes is gonna be, and we had a really good conversation. I just didn't want to ruin it since this was the first time we talked in like a year....I just don't know what to say.

[southerngirl]

Good luck at the doctors appointment give us an update! I have been nervous for every single one of my appointments, I can relate to that. lets hope that they let you see the baby I cant wait to find out how he or she is faring in there!!!

 

Bout R,. thats great news about the house, lets hope it pulls through and he can really rent it. Oh n its about time he sold that car, one less thing to worry about eh and Im sure he could use the money too and peace of mind.

 

Im glad you did talk to your dad, at some point you should tell him,,, wishing you the best ---

[BornToResist]

I just got back from my doctor's appointment....and my major ultrasound is tomorrow. The doctor said she's bad at reading the sex of the baby, but she's pretty sure it's a GIRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL yay!

 

But then she kept saying "oh it's definently a girl....oh wait...well then what's that? THAT looks like a boy...but I'm pretty sure it's a girl......" AHHHHHHH

 

So either way, I'm excited. I got the ultrasound, and the second you saw the picture on the screen you could tell it was a face. I could see eyes, nose, mouth. I could see HER chew, kick and punch herself in the face lol. It was so adorable. I'm in love.....

 

 

So tomorrow I go to the main guy who is the ultrasound expert and tell for sure. But they did all my tests which included getting stuck with needles a million times and drawing vile after vile of blood and almost passing out. But I absolutely love my doctor and she gave me all kinds of baby stuff. Even coupons for ice cream and pickles so I'm covered.

 

I am so happy!!! I'll update with the OFFICIAL word tomorrow.

[Dilly]

OMG, I'm so thrilled for you!!! A little bubbly girl - I can tell you are really excited and I'm getting goosebumpy for you. HUGS!!! The doctor sounds really wonderful and open and just really, frank. I like how she acknowledged that she wasn't sure and sort of thought out loud rather than keeping her ideas bottled up and giving you some nonsensical answer. So are you going for like "level 2 ultrasound" tomorrow? Oh, I'm so happy for you. What a beautiful baby you will have!!!

 

And about that place, OMG, how sincere R is acting in his motivations and actions. It's as if things are really coming together. And as for Dad, don't sweat it, he'll understand. Maybe you could pull him aside after you spread the ashes. He'll appreciate the closing out of one chapter and the openning up of another. What a nice touch!

[Hope75]

Hey BTR!!

 

How exciting! It kinda makes it real when you finally get to see her on TV, and she's not just some gas bubbles or something huh? CONGRATS!

You must be so thrilled.

 

R seems to to making some positive changes, and that is good. Keep tabs on that-it is definitely progress.

 

I wouldn't be thinking of moving in with him anytime soon though. You know it was just weeks ago that he was using and acting like a dork... so back off and give him time and space to prove himself to you... for more than just a week or two. If he's really interested in working it out, he can rent this place and fix it up and you can keep your distance and see how he does. Let's see if he makes the rent for a few months and if he keeps it up and doesn't make it a big party house. Give him a chance to prove himself... but don't jump in too fast- he's got a long way to go!

 

So, how did you like the new OB? Was she better than the other one?

 

When do we see belly pics???

[BornToResist]

I wouldn't be thinking of moving in with him anytime soon though. You know it was just weeks ago that he was using and acting like a dork... so back off and give him time and space to prove himself to you... for more than just a week or two. If he's really interested in working it out, he can rent this place and fix it up and you can keep your distance and see how he does. Let's see if he makes the rent for a few months and if he keeps it up and doesn't make it a big party house. Give him a chance to prove himself... but don't jump in too fast- he's got a long way to go!

 

Acting like a dork? LOL that is such a nice way of putting it. He really messed up for a good few months and I have not forgot about it. But I am so proud of him in the progess he has made, it is hard to accomplish so much in such a short amount of time unless you're really trying for it, you know?

 

I have no intention of moving in with him until he does more than prove himself. He has to make rent, his car payment, etc for several months before we bring up living together again. I believe in him though...I think he can do it. And he's been treating me so good lately. (Key word is *lately*)

 

We had an excellent conversation last night. He said how he knows we can get our relationship back on track. He said before he could never possibly think of one bad thought about me and he wants to feel like that again. He says he loves me more than anything and he will do whatever it takes to provide for me.

 

He said how working for his boss has completely changed his views and he admitted that he didn't know how to live life correctly at all, but now he's listening and paying attention and his priorities were all messed up and he's changing them. His best friend (the good guy who I like) told him he's gonna make sure he doesn't mess up again because he simply CAN'T...and that's good to hear b/c sometimes that guy is the only one who can get through to R when he's being his most stubborn. Anyways I told him how I'm scared of being hurt and how he has to put me #1 because he chose others before me...he said I was always #1 and to try to trust him again and things will be different because he's different........but let's see, you know? It's good to hear and he's making progress, but he messed me up so much and I've forgiven but not forgotten.

 

ANYWAYS last night I couldn't stop looking at my ultrasound pictures...and my 3 year old niece was telling me that I need to start reading pregnancy books so I know what to do....lol. Today is my OFFICIAL appointment, and I'm so antsy, I can't wait. I'd like to post the ultrasound pics because I've never seen ones like it. You can completely see the face (although it looks a little like Skeletor) and that's awesome. I'm gonna try and take belly pics tonight. Life is good.....

 

**As for telling my dad....I would definently have to tell him before I see him because there is no mistaking that I have a bun in the oven. I think I'm going to tell him on the phone, give him time to cool off, and then at the memorial I'll bring the ultrasound pics. That's what my brother advised. He said "how can you get mad when you see there's an actual child?" which is an excellent point. It's no longer an idea or bad decision...it's a fully formed baby and a future grandchild...it just seems easier to take that way. So I have to call him tonight to let him know I will be going so I have a spot on the boat, and I can tell him then. *SCARY* (I don't know how to put it though..."hey dad"...err..."guess what"...hm..."you like being a granddad, right?"..."well at least I'm not doing drugs?" ahhh)

[Dilly]

Your dad will surprize you. When people go so long without a heart to heart, they forfeit their rights to any expectations for you. Don't sweat it. Can't wait to hear about yuor official appointment. YAY FOR YOU!

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

It's OK to have faith in R.... of course you want him to clean himself up and prove that he's ready to be a responsible partner and parent. And as long as you stay back and let him work on that, hopefully, he will continue on this path. Indeed, it would be the miracle you've been waiting for.

 

What about drugs? Have you asked him if he's been using? Do you think he would lie to you about this again? Any feelings either way about suspecting if he has or not? How is that going?

 

Best of luck when you tell your dad! I think he may surprise you as well... my fingers are crossed that after some initial shock he will be supportive as well.

 

Can't wait for your belly pics!

[Beec]

Well, things sound better, and that's good news. It will be better news when R starts to prove himself. I don't know when and how to tell you to set requirements for him doing so, but you should.

[Dilly]

waiting with baited breath to hear the latest from your second ultrasound!!!

[southerngirl]

waiting with baited breath to hear the latest from your second ultrasound!!!

 

meeee tooo

[Dilly]

Oh no, looks like I have to wait till tomorrow!!!!

[BornToResist]

It's A Boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm So Excited Im Going To Start A New Post About It. Yayyyyy

[Dilly]

YAHOOOOOOO!!! I think having a boy would be so wonderful!!! What does R have to say about that, since he's already got a little gal?

[BornToResist]

I posted a little about it in that other thread b/c I didn't see what you wrote in this one yet...

 

He didn't think he was ever going to get a boy. He has like 6 sisters and was the only boy, and he kept arguing that "it's genetic" that he can only make girls. I told him it was a pile of smell bull poo and to get ready because I was almost sure it was a boy. EVERYONE was telling me it would be a girl, even his ex-wife (haha in her face). Apparently I'm carrying "high" or "all around" or whatever but I knew since I found out I was preggo.

 

I called his best friend (I'm going to call him D because I refer to him often) since they work together, and he tried to get the info out first, but then gave the phone to R. He started cheering and said he was shaking because he was so excited. He told me he'd call me later but never did because I'm pretty sure all the guys took him out to celebrate. I'm so happy he's happy.

 

I went out with my mom and she bought like 5 little outfits, but I don't want to jinx anything, you know? But I can't stop thinking about everything...I'm so happy. I have like 20 baby names picked out just from looking today.

 

----------------------------------------------------------

 

I forgot to mention, during the ultrasound, he kept saying everything was "perfect!" Those are such good words to hear from a doctor. He did every possible test first before telling me the gender. Then he labelled "leg"....then "leg" for the other one...then pointed to inbetween the legs....then looked at me for a good minute in a half, and then typed in BOY really quick. He was awesome. The baby kicked while he was doing the ultrasound he kept saying "this is an active one..." so I'm going to have my hands full.

 

Well there's the ENTIRE story of what happened...I'm just a tad bit excited.

[Dilly]

OH MY GOD, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy for you! So now you have like SIX outfits? Ohhhh how cute! I feel so close to you I want to come see you when you have this little boy! How wonderful!!! I think the reaction you got from R is truly joyful! CONGRATULATIONS - Couldn't have happened to a more wonderful person!

[BornToResist]

Thank you, thank you! I know, we have to keep in touch, I am so interested in everything that's going on with you too!!

[Beec]

BTR, great news that all is well. Great news the R is happy.

[BornToResist]

I hung out with R this weekend. I am 99.9% sure that I am no longer in love with him. At all. I don't even really like him. It's very depressing.

 

It's better for me emotionally, but I think that switch has finally flipped. I don't even really want to be around him anymore. And I'm having his child. I really wish we could just have a good life together and be happy and all of that. *sigh*

 

He got a raise, he got a place, all good things. Everything was looking up. Then he told me on Friday that he got approved for a loan to buy a house. He had asked me in the past about buying a house together, and I told him I'm going to be married before I buy a house with anyone. He said he understood. So he went at it alone.

 

Just when he gets his life on track, he's going for this? He in NO way can afford it...even if I was to do this with him, I couldn't afford HALF of it. I don't think he can either. I have no idea what he is thinking. And what happens when his exwife (who is already acting weird and jealous of me) takes him to court again? What happens when winter comes and he's out of work for weeks at a time? What about expenses for medical bills and you know, this kid I'm going to have...? It makes me really disappointed...like everything I had hoped for us is gone because he's only paying attention to what HE wants RIGHT NOW. Like always. I guess it's not really surprising, nothing changes.

 

Don't get me wrong, I wish him all the luck in the world. But this is yet another incident that shows me I have to keep myself farther away from his self-destructive behavior.

 

There's a couple more red flags that happened this weekend. He kept smoking weed around me. EVERY TIME I would have to ask him not to do that around me and he'd apologize, then do it again half an hour later. Finally today I just got up and walked into the other room and he asked me "did you go in there to get away from the smoke?" and I replied yes...he mumbled something about how that was dumb and went in to take a shower. Things were really weird and so I just left and he made sure to tell me he was going to have a fabulous day, etc, etc. What the heck? It makes me so sad. Is it really that bad to NOT want to inhale DRUGS while I'm pregnant? I think that's my choice. Jerk.

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

 

Awww. sounds like you had a rough weekend.

 

((HUGS))

 

I think you are right that now is not the best time for R to be thinking of buying a house. He isn't clean yet, he's just got the raise and he has a child on the way.... seems like his priority should be saving money to pay for the child he already has as well as the baby on the way. In the past he has proven to be unreliable with working and paying bills..... a house is not something you can blow off payments on... they will forclose on it if he does.

 

It really upsets me that he's smoking weed in front of you while you are pregnant as well. Not only is he NOT working on getting clean and stopping the drugs, but now he's blatently doing it right in front of you and putting your baby at risk. What is he thinking? He's not- he's putting himself before you and the baby, AGAIN. Grrrr..... If he does it in front of you while you're pregnant, what's to stop him from doing it around the baby once he's born too? Ugh! If I had a guess, he's putting his job at risk with getting high so often too- not many employers will tolorate drug abuse from their employees, especially ones who work with dangerous equipment and need to be on their toes... not baked and impaired all the time. He is an adult... but he sure isn't acting like one.

 

I'm sorry that this is happening to you BTR, I know how things were looking up and you were hoping this was going to be the trend from now on... I think it's good that you are seeing this now before the baby comes so you can get your priorities squared away before the baby is born.

[BornToResist]

Yeah I agree. At least he's doing this now, as opposed to later on after I thought things were totally different and invested more time and energy into him. And flower99 mentioned before that the only way he can get 50/50 custody is if we live together, which as of this point is never gonna happen.

 

I didn't want to put this before because I feel I shouldn't have looked...but I found more meth stuff. It was hidden away and I really shouldn't have looked and I already knew it was there, but I guess I just had to see for myself. It makes me sad, but then again it makes me feel better because I know he's acting crazy and it's not just in my head. He wasn't high on that when we were together, but like I said, the whole weed thing really pissed me off. I used to smoke it all the time up until I found out, but I don't anymore and this decision needs to be respected. He already has asthma and I don't want my kid to have any problems like that, not to mention low birth weight or go into labor early. Today my throat hurt and I know that was why.

 

Friday he might have been coming off the meth because he was acting like I was stupid pretty much anytime I said anything. It's so annoying because he acts so superior, but I know when it comes down to it I have way more in the intelligence department, even if he won't believe it. He flipped Saturday and was lovey-dovey. But it's not my job to try to decipher these things, I have more important things to do with my time. But I can just leave now and that doesn't bother me anymore. I no longer sit there and try to figure out why he's weird and creepy, I just get up and go.

 

I'm so utterly disappointed. But then again, I need to just realize I'm going to be doing this on my own. We decided this weekend that I should try to look for a different job after the baby is born...one that I can work at home with. I completely agree. He doesn't want someone else raising our kid and neither do I. So that made me feel better because I wanted to do that all along. I'll stay at this job for a while so I'll be covered for medical, then I'll figure something out and take classes while I can because I'd love to be a nurse. My mom already told me she'd support me while I go to school and become something I want to be. And that would be something I could support myself and my child with, I wouldn't be dependent on some fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants, on-again-off-again druggie. *sigh* Oh well.