Things CAN get worse...

[Hope75]

You know, the funny thing when you are pregnant, EVERYONE has something to say about it, EVERYONE has token 'words of wisdom', or 'helpful advice'. Just remember to keep your head about you, BTR, you are making the best choices for YOU and YOUR BABY... and no one can advise you what's best- you will learn and grow as you go.

 

Don't let stupid people get you down.

[BornToResist]

Thanks guys!! I'm pretty much over it. I thought about if I saw a good friend going through what I went through...and I know I would want to spare them the pain. She might not have much tact, but maybe her heart is in the right place.

 

I talked to R today after about a week. He went on a trip with a friend and I couldn't get in touch with him. I called to make plans to hang out, but then the drama started. I got off the phone and called him back and told him I just wanted to hang out with him, that's all, and he refused to quit with the stress talks. I ended up in tears but had my family around to pick up the pieces.

 

Everything he says makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. We cannot communicate at all. He was talking about how he needs me to show him I want this relationship and he's been "more than patient" and that he needs to see effort from me and all this other crap. I told him I had absolutely no idea what the heck he was talking about, in which he continued on with his ramblings. Then he started with the personal attack. He wants me to buy this house with him and I told him no yet again. Then he started saying how I don't know how to make a decision even if my life were to depend on it, and how could I not do this, was I really going to take the dumber, less intelligent route? I told him not to talk to me that way and he said he will stop when it stops being true. He told me how if I fail to show him the things he needs, he'll go find someone else who will. He started yelling and hung up. I called back (stupid me) and he continued with all of the crap. He told me that I do nothing with my life and I always take the easy road and I always expect someone to do everything for me. Then he told me to call him when I was leaving to drive an hour to see him (not happening).

 

Obviously I'm not going...but I'm pretty wrecked at the moment. I called him back and told him I'm not going out there because I'm destroyed and he said "Alright! Bye!" like he was happy. God...

 

Why is it that only after the conversation happens, you think of everything you SHOULD have said? I really hate that. I have so many clever comebacks if I was to turn back the clock and have that conversation over.

 

I am very upset because once again I am disillusioned. Everything positive I was seeing really won't change a thing. He's still the same person, if not worse. He says things to hurt me...he doesn't stop when I start crying...it seems like that's what he's working for. Yeah I might have cried, but I am far from my breaking point. He cannot get me to play his games anymore!!!! I am a grown woman and I will NOT be bullied into doing something I don't want to do. This is EXACTLY what I went through when I didn't get the abortion...he didn't get his way so he will tell me how wrong I am, how stupid I am, how I'm ruining my life along with everyone else's. Then he gives me HIS rules to follow and tells me those are my "options"...well 'F' THAT. Who is he to tell me what to do?

 

Maybe this will work out for the best. I'm not as strong as I'd like to be yet, so he can still get to me. But the more pain I'm put through the stronger I get...and one day I'll be able to handle him. Having this child does NOT mean that he has to be an active part of my life, since he's going to act like a controlling weirdo. I refuse to do what he says so he throws his temper tantrums like always. Why do they still surprise me? I'm not doing what he wants. I won't do it. His way is not the way for me and it never will be...but that does not mean that I'm going to be a loser! A loser is someone who does drugs and gets their families sleeping in cars and only cares about themselves. That will never be me.

 

He just wants me to do this with him so I will pay the bills. But you know what? He can go find a bimbo if he wants who will...maybe then I'll be able to get some child support from him. Why can't he be a MAN and take care of his family? He doesn't love me. People who love each other try their hardest to keep the other from feeling anything remotely close to this. I just have to get that through my head.

 

I don't know why I'm surprised.

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

Sounds like you had a tought night.

 

((HUGS))

 

 

 

It's funny that in all of this he still fails to recognize his part in why your relationship fell apart, and how he's still busy pointing the finger at you when he is still using meth and smoking weed, still acting like a jerk and treating you like crap, still hurting you and trying to manipulate you.

 

You have a baby on the way- does he honestly think that buying a house with an unstable man who abuses you and is a drug addict and who smokes weed around you still while you are pregnant is the smart option? Someone who's temper flies off the handle ay any given moment and who has a history of physical violence?

 

He is so disallusioned, it's really sad. He's just not there yet- and I am losing what little confidence I had that he might turn things around. When I read your posts I am struggling to believe that this is supposed to be a 30 year old father of 1.5 who's acting this way.

 

BTR- are you giving him the impression that you two are together right now? What exactly does he think is going on between you two at this moment?

[BornToResist]

BTR- are you giving him the impression that you two are together right now? What exactly does he think is going on between you two at this moment?

 

I think this is why he's frustrated. I told him that if we were to be together at this point, it would be disasterous because I am nowhere close to trusting him. This is where the "he's been more than patient" part comes in. He wants me to finally decide if I want to be with him or not I guess. I already told him that it takes time to build a relationship and how I need to see him change...but he doesn't seem to ever remember or take that seriously.

 

We were supposedly working on things...mostly separately. We weren't going to be concentrating on dating at all, just try to get ourselves straight before the baby came...at least that's what we decided when it was convenient for him.

 

I didn't want it to be completely over because I know he'll rub it in my face...he'll go get some bimbo and bring her around me or something tacky like the delivery room. I really dislike being in this situation.

[Hope75]

Hmmm Ok well this makes more sense.

 

 

See the thing is, he isn't doing anything to earn your trust and respect. Very little of what drove you apart has changed. So he can't really push you when he isn't holding up his end of the bargain.

 

But on the other hand.... you can't have one foot in the door and one foot out. If you are giving him the impression that you are with him... even just 'sort of', you are telling him that you still accept how he is now- even on some level- despite that your words are different- you show him that what he is doing is still somewhat acceptable. Is it? Because that is the message you are sending him, and that is why he is confused.

 

I know that ultimately you are scared that he will replace you with someone else, and that is why you 'lead him on'. But BTR- ask yourself, if this was a honest, caring, loving man who REALLY cared about you- would he jump right in with someone else and rub her in your face to hurt you? Or would he be doing everything possible to earn your trust back and make things right?

 

It's a hard question to ask, and I think you know the answer to it, and maybe you aren't ready to face that yet.

 

What do you think?

[BornToResist]

I know what kind of person he is. He will do everything within his power to hurt me and I don't want to face it.

 

I want things to be good between us but he doesn't understand what I need and I don't know how to get that accross to him because he just doesn't get it, or even acknowledge it. I'm so confused as to what I should do, other than ending it completely. That's probably the best idea anyways.

 

I sat him down and told him how I feel and why I can't be with him right now...and then he says if there's no chance, he's moving on. So I tell him there is a chance in the future but I need to heal and see him act like he really wants to be with me. That's where he seems to get lost. Am I just miscommunicating it? I don't know what else to say other than that, or it's over for good...? Maybe the confusion is my fault, but I don't know what to say differently. Is that out of line and too much for me to ask?

 

This is just a theory, since I'm pretty worn out and my thinking is somewhat distorted, let me know what you think.

When I was faced with the keeping it/abortion decision, I had to pretend to be on his side so he would stop bullying me. He'd be calling me over and over screaming "kill it so I never have to talk to you again" and the only way it stopped is if I told him what he wanted to hear. Same thing to get him out of my apartment. I had to break down and show him I was "weak" before he he'd move out...up until then he said he'd stay as long as he could and he didn't care. It's like if I actually stand up for myself or tell him how I really feel, then he makes my life miserable. He becomes this horrible person...calling me all the time, saying the most hurtful things, threatening to take me to court and get custody of the baby, that he's going to find someone else, etc. I guess I just got comfortable in this middle ground where I could balance both, but that won't work either. I was hoping for a miracle where he changed and became the man I fell in love with, and now I'm realizing that it's not going to happen. I guess it's time to face the music. But I am not ready for him to make my life hell. But when exactly WILL I be ready, when the baby is born? Nope not then either.

 

I don't know though because things really seemed okay for that short while and I reallllllly wanted them to be...but when I think about it, maybe it was just because we were miscommunicating and I do have that one foot in the door, other one out...

 

How do I change this? There are 2 things that will work...I break up with him completely and he burns our bridge and tries to destroy me...or I tell him I want to be with him and start this whole thing over...isn't there anything else? What do I do?

 

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I am so confused today.

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

I know what kind of person he is. He will do everything within his power to hurt me and I don't want to face it.

It's like if I actually stand up for myself or tell him how I really feel, then he makes my life miserable. He becomes this horrible person...calling me all the time, saying the most hurtful things, threatening to take me to court and get custody of the baby, that he's going to find someone else, etc.

Your words here broke my heart. This is a guy you want to be with?

 

Girl, I think somewhere along the way you lost your own value and self worth. I don't think you should 'play' along with R to try and placate him. That is not a way to live, and for how long could you sell off your soul and self esteem to keep him from acting like a complete selfish brute?

 

I really think that for now you need to draw that line and tell him that it's over for you as a couple. That you want him to be in your child's life, but that it's been 5 months since you've been pregnant and very little has changed, he's still got the temper, is still yo-yoing back and forth with you in terms of treatment, is still using drugs..... he has not addressed ANYTHING that led you to leave him, he's not facing any responsibility... this is exactly what it was when you were together and living together, the only difference is you don't live with him and support him anymore-- another thing he's angry about and trying to manipulate you with.

 

Then I think you should contact a lawyer like you were going to do and find out what your options are to protect yourself and the baby. The way he is now, he is NOT going to get custody of that baby.

 

Honey, I wish I could say that I had faith like Beec that R would sudddenly wake up and make those changes, but I really don't think he's there, and honestly, will he ever be? How much more of yourself will you give away waiting on him?

[BornToResist]

I wish I read your post earlier. It says everything I feel right now. But once again, I had to have it beaten into me.

 

I talked to him on the phone and he made me feel guilty again. I still really had no idea what he was talking about. I told him I wanted to work on things, he said he didn't believe me, etc. ect. He said some mean things and I was in tears. BUT he called me back about an hour later and said all the right things and got me to drive out to see him. I knew it was a bad idea, but he did manipulate me into feeling I owed him something.

 

When I got there he basically just went to sleep, so I did too. The next day was okay at first...we barely talk to each other but apparently that's "spending time" or something like that. But then he went into the shower and I peeked at his new phone. His ex's number was on there. I know it's wrong to snoop like that, but really, what's right with this relationship at this point?

 

He got out of the shower and I told him "you can't trust me, I looked in your phone and saw your ex's number" and that started WW3. He told me exactly what he thought about me. He had me in tears and I stood up to go...then he stood in front of the door so I couldn't leave and told me to sit the F down. He started screaming that "we're not done here" and I couldn't leave until he was finished...I told him no and to stop treating me like a piece of crap and he told me I was one, so that's why he was treating me that way.

 

He told me he never wanted to have this baby with me and wishes I had just gotten an abortion. He told me that he thinks I kept it to get back at him. I told him he didn't have to do anything about this pregnancy and I didn't plan it and I encourage him to walk away, no strings attached. He said no, and he's going to be a good dad. Then he said I don't do anything for this relationship and it's all my fault it's like this and I'm never around so everything is on me...everyone around him that he confides in doesn't understand what I'm doing, they think I'm wrong.

 

I basically told him what he wanted to hear so he would stop yelling at me. I cried for about an hour and then I just fell asleep. He told me that if I left, he hoped he never saw me again. He says he wishes he didn't have to go through this whole pregnancy with me...it wasn't the baby he didn't want anything to do with, it was me. Then he told me how we have to live together again and he wants to marry me...I was so confused.

 

I said I knew that he didn't love me at all because you don't say those things to someone you love and he can't ever take them back and they hurt...he replied he hurt too and it was because of me. I told him I didn't want to live with him because I payed rent so many times and he was always out of work...he said "okay bye, I can tell you're only thinking about you, like always" and said how he's going to continue to be out of work and that's the way it is. Every time he said we can do this separate, I would agree and get up to leave...and he would start talking about what dates are good to start the custody battles....so I'd sit again. God I feel so dumb.

 

Every time I said I was going to leave he told me that it means I want things to be bad between us, so I stayed. He wanted me to stay the night and I started getting sick, and I told him and he still told me not to leave...so finally I waited til he was kinda asleep and I told him I was leaving because I was thowing up and he said "fine have fun" and made sure I'm coming back tonight.

 

I'm obviously not going back tehre, it was basically a huge mind game and I said whatever he wanted so he'd lay off. I've never seen him like that before, he was just evil. He stood in front of the door so I couldn't go...what if I tried harder to leave? I would have but I was scared....I've never felt scared before...

 

My brother is moving out of state and I'm going to go talk to a lawyer to see about what rights I have. I know I have a lot, but I would consider relocating at this point if it meant I didn't have to deal with him. I know that's "not fair" since we're having a kid together and a kid needs his father, but he has severe mental issues and he will manipulate anyone and everyone and at this point I'm getting scared. I haven't even told him that we're not together yet...what's he going to do then? He's going to hurt me or try as much as he can. I need to get as far away as I can. I'm so nervous...

[southerngirl]

There is a legal term for preventing someone to leave. It is called false imprisonment and it is a crime.

 

Sounds like he was being abusive to you, these mind games are hurtful to you and the baby.

 

Do you want your baby to be subjected to the kind of life that his daughter has with a drug abuser as a dad?

 

Yeah, I think you should move. If your family does not live where you live, move closer to them.

 

I really dont think there is anything he can do about it. You are not married and the child isnt even born yet. Yeah, fathers have rights but he is a jerk. Let him sue for visitation, and thats all he would get.

 

If the child has never lived with the father, and there is no marriage involved he would only get visitation.

 

He doesnt even sound like he wants the baby. I am so sorry your going through this.

[Dilly]

BTR, my God! This is so terrible! I wish I could snap my fingers and it would all just go away! You're having his first-born boy and he's very excited by that. He's the father of your child - so yes, he has a right in the child's life. But I guarantee with this history of physical, emotional, and chemical abuse, he'll stand NO CHANCE of getting custody as long as you are not abusive in any of the same ways. I know what you're going through, I really do. I understand every turn your taking and I understand why you give in and you do too. It's easier and it feels better. I'm in your shoes, one foot in, the other out. It's like standing with a feet on two adjacent speedboats, straddling them. Then they both take off and you have no footing and better hope you have a life preserver. I feel for you! I wish I could tell you what to do, but I think a lawyer will set your mind at ease with respect to custody issues.

 

OK, so my question is (and you know I feel your pain cuz it's so similar with respect to demands on building a life together, etc): do you really love R?

 

I understand all of the reasons to be wary, trust me.

 

Would he ever be willing to sign a prenup for you to live together in which his financial obligations would remain his own and if he defaults, you gain ownership of the place? There are legal approaches you can take to protect yourself, but he doesn't even sound committed to bringing money in. I mean what's this talk about him "continuing to be out of work"? You're right, it sounds like he wants his ticket to easy street.

 

I hear him calling you names and telling you it's all your fault. Man, don't believe that crap. He's confused too, I can tell you, and maybe he loves you as much as HE IS CAPABLE, but that is hardly what you deserve.

 

I never like to tell people to break up but he is turning out to be a monster and he plays the organ to the same tune as Robert when he's mad and not getting what he wants with these threats about meeting other women and moving on, and being perfectly happy to end it.

 

MMMMM, you're playing into him and he's loving life right now. He has all the cards because you gave them to him last week when you showed up at his place while he got high. That punk needs to get his butt whipped by one of your brothers. GRRRRRRRRRR.

 

Anyway, if you continue to retreat, you might be better off. But if he were able to be with him and communicate what your heart truly feels (TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE), without fear of being hurt or abandoned (and I do believe he is using this fear of abandonment issue to its full extent to manipulate you), then and only then can you speak on logical levels. HE NEEDS TO QUIT BEING A F-ing Junkie!!! He needs rehab, a good solid income, and counselling for his abusive behavior towards you. Yeah, give him a gold star for having some interaction with his daughter, but he's not providing.

 

Girl, we are on your side no matter what he claims or remembers in his belated drug stupor his junkie friends have told him. His boss likes YOU!!!

[BornToResist]

No I don't love him. I did...a whole lot...and I WAS addicted to him. But he stomped the love right out of me and I cannot imagine being with him at all ever again. He's sick. He took pleasure in destroying me yesterday. I never want to see him again. He literally makes me sick. I feel so weak and I know I'm so much better without him.

 

I don't want to stay here. I'm scared of what he'll do. I'm never going to his house again, he can easily over power me and I don't know him at all. I really am scared.

 

All I did was get pregnant, and I've had to pay for it ever since. I look back on it and it seems like HE'S the one who planned it. We always used protection or he'd pull out way before, but he came in me without telling me. That was right after I gave him another chance after I broke up with him. He's super manipulater and I feel stupid...but more scared.

 

He's not going to be a good father to my kid. What kind of man is he, anyways? I want my kid to grow up looking up to his uncles, not his father. He had his daughter living in a motorhome and now she sleeps on a futon that's not even comfy enough to sit on. She goes without meals. She wears dirty clothes...dirty undearwear, dirty socks. He lets druggies babysit her when they're high as a kite...he even lets them take her places (driving while high).

 

I'm so scared, I wish he would just disappear. I don't want child support, nothing. Just to be free of him. I really feel it's dangerous at this point. I have never seen him look that way or act that way. He thinks I'm a piece of sh**. He told me so. God what did I get myself into...

 

I haven't even told him we're not going to be together yet...I was too scared. I'm still scared. I know I don't have anything to worry about as long as I'm living with my brother though...I really want to move with him. R doesn't want to be the father of my kid. He doesn't care about this. He wishes for a miscarraige, I know he does. This isn't fair and I have to end it. I can't let it go on and I don't want my kid around him.

[Beec]

BTR, all the things he said about you, that's really how he feels about himself. And he acts like he does to feel better about himself, which he probably subconsciously thinks he can do by putting you down. This is not unlike gossiping, in concept, about what other person has had plastic surgery. It is very unlike it in degree. Let him know he sank his chances by the crap he pulled.

[Dilly]

I agree with Beec only I don't think you owe him anything. I don't like to end a relationship in silence (never really done it) but ... it's not a bad option.

[BornToResist]

I don't plan on him just assuming it's over.

 

I'm dreading having the conversation because lately if I so much as have a difference of opinion, I am subjected to hours of verbal abuse. How's he going to respond when I tell him I that the whole "us" thing isn't going to happen? He's going to flip.

 

He doesn't care about any "chances" he has with me...he doesn't see it like that. He acts like he's doing me a favor by letting me be with him. I cannot say one negative thing about him EVER or he loses it. Yet he can tear me down piece by piece. He does not listen to anything I have to say. He throws a temper tantrum and says anything he can to hurt me, which usually scares me into giving him his way. He calls me names, and breaks me down until I'm sobbing. He likes it that way. He has more problems than I know. He likes the power and contol and doesn't quit until I'm broken. He likes to scare me...I can see it in his eyes. It's only going to get worse.

[Beec]

This is abuse. Abusers are not strong people with lots fo self-esteem. They deal with their self-esteem issues by imposing themselves on others, putting themselves over and above the people they abuse. Abusers often were abused. You've said that he was. They had no power, and this is how they know to get it and get control.

 

He's in no place near where he would be a decent partner. I don't know how to let him know, but he needs to be told.

[Dilly]

Look, if you are really scared, you can bring someone along, hopefully someone he likes and respects. You might really appreciate their ability to recount his reaction later anyway. He might be expecting it. OR you can do it in writing. And if you are really scared of him, there are restraining orders. I don't like playing with the idea of bringing legal into the picture though unless absolutely necessary. Why rush to tell him anyway? There is no rush. Let him cool down and wonder and he actually might take the news better.

[Dilly]

I really hate that this is happening. He went from a passive, cool-headed distant lover to a lava-hot must-know-now control freak in a matter of weeks. It really sucks.

 

Gotta ask you - when he wanted you to get a place "with him", was he really interested in paying his share? Did you ask how he might make you feel secure that he will? And why does he say you should get used to the idea of him being out of work? Jack-ss. What kind of things to you say when he was bullying you to placate him? I mean, did you tell him you were wrong to move in with your mom? What could you have said that would have calmed the savage beast?

[BornToResist]

No I didn't tell him I was wrong for moving in with my mom. I told him eventually that I want to work things out and if that meant living together, then we'd figure it out. He seemed semi-happy with that. Maybe he knows he can get more custody if we live together..? Or maybe in some sick way he likes how this relationship is? I'm not going to be a doormat anymore.

 

As for breaking up with him, I'm going to do it on the phone. He doesn't deserve anything more from me. And I can quickly hang up if he freaks out and then my brother will be more than happy to answer it and tell him off.

 

It's astounding how quickly he changed, but honestly it doesn't surprise me one bit. He went from wanting to go to the doctors with me and happy it was a boy to telling me he wished I got an abortion and this is really the last thing he wants to happen. I really wish he'd just sign over his rights so I can live in peace. He can't make me feel guilty for keeping this baby no matter how much he tries.

 

The only thing that calmed him down was seeing me cry. Even then he would laugh at me. That seems to be the only thing to calm him. He was completely irrational and anytime I would say anything, he'd turn it around...it was horrible.

 

When I told him how I felt about him not paying rent, he called me selfish and told me that's how it is, and the only reason I told him that was to hurt him! He said he's going to be out of work at times and cannot give me some stupid promise that he wouldn't. He said "what if you were out of work?" and I told him that's what I was worried about because he would not cover me like I had him, and I am going to be out of work to have this kid and I will have to fully support it. He basically just shrugged his shoulders and said if that's what I'm worried about, then "bye." Once again, I would start to leave, but then he'd want to talk custody again since we obvioulsy aren't going to be seeing each other anytime soon. Then I was right back where I started. It was like a sick game, I'd never felt that way before.

[Dilly]

He sounds like such a punk! This is probably the most common type of bully there is. He sounds like he's smart, but not smart enough to pick himself up and carry his own weight. Did he depend on his ex-wife, too? I really am not all that crazy about him - he sounds like a delinquent in so many ways!

 

You know, it's like you knew he was cheating on you using the Craigslist and that was when things were going well, right? And you were paying his bills then, right?

 

Man, if that's the case, this guy knows no boundaries that he respects. I think you'll be fine.

 

Oh, BTR, I feel your enthusiasm slipping and I want you to know you have been my rock through this pregnancy - you have been so strong and encouraging and I know that you are going to be a beautiful mother, a faithful wife to someone deserving, and a very kind nurse (if you choose that fate). You will look back at this someday and laugh and you will probably tolerate this guy if he is suitable to tolerate (which he very well might not be considering his inclination is to wind up in the downward spiral after climbing nearly out of it).

 

I have no idea how he managed to get custody of his girl, but you know, you keep your nose clean, and you'll be fine.

 

My only words for the task at hand: don't say ANYTHING hateful that you might someday regret because he uses your own feelings of guilt and self-doubt against you. Do nothing and say nothing to incriminate yourself. Just state you wishes calmly and provide 1-2 reasons calmly if not stoicly and leave it at that. He will twist and turn trying to come up with another tactic, most likely cruel smug withdrawal (just that OK, fine, bye, great, good, c-ya in court). Don't let his attempts to make you think he doesn't care bug you. You've got his jewels in your hand and he knows it. Don't sweat it, Sweetie. Just do what you have to do and say nothing you'll ever regret and better yet, do it with conviction WHEN and ONLY WHEN you are absolutely ready!

 

You have our support and know that we will all be with you in spirit and offering you all the hugs that you could ever want in this process. Warm huggies out to you. GOOD LUCK!!!

[Dilly]

My feeling is that he may even try to melt in your hands so that you can't handle the situation he is so sweet in injured. Uggg... GOOD luck.

[BornToResist]

~ANOTHER LONG RANT~ (really bad day...)

About the Craigslist thing...I think I figured it out. We were going through a rough spot due to his lying about his exgirlfriend but nothing really serious (I couldn't prove anything). I know it was just an act because the weekend I found out about the craigslist stuff, I was packing. I know he was playing the nice guy card because he wanted to live together again (meaning he doesn't pay rent) and it was almost possible. Then I found that, and everything he planned just unravelled. He was playing me for a fool and that one time it didn't work out.

 

He just left a message at work saying "just calling to see how you're feeling...guess you didn't go to work today so I'll try you at home" all sweet-like. ARG! How can he act like he cares??!?! He just told me yesterday that he despises me and thinks I'm pregnant to ruin his life! Like he's so important. He's the only reason I drove down to that abortion clinic in the first place, dumb ba#*$@!. Does he do this on purpose? Does he plan all these mindgames?

 

I feel so sad...I can't talk about this stuff out loud because I'll cry...I feel so broken! I know I'll feel better but I'm so scared to talk to him. He'll tell me to drive out there to see him again and I'll say no...then it will start again. I'm not strong enough for this at the moment. I really feel sick but I'm forcing myself to stay at work because it's probably better for me. I'm afraid that I'm going to once again just say what he wants to hear because I'm so defeated. I know I'll get strong again, but I'm at a low right now. I'll just say I was sleeping and I'm sick blah blah blah. Excuse until tomorrow. But maybe it's like a bandaid and it will be better after I tear it off. I am so much stronger and generally a better person when I am not around him.

 

"(The baby) has a great Mom and no matter how difficult life situations become, she has lots of people who care and ultimately God is in control not R. Sometimes these rough spots in life are not punishment but paths to really exciting things and often things that we would have never dreamed for ourselves. The hardest part, is being patient and believing that through God all things are possible. Finding the purpose of our lives isn’t usually an easy journey of realization but the deepth of our despair also ready’s us for tremendous joy." -advice from a co-worker

 

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EDIT

So I am a horoscope junkie...

"Taking the easy way out won't tempt you in the least today. This is not to say that you usually favor this approach, by any means. Yet it's safe to say that everyone is tempted from time to time. Not so for you, though, as the planetary aspects are giving you the strength to take all of the necessary steps, however long they may be. If a partner tries to convince you otherwise, stand your ground."

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

I was saddened to hear all that has happened, but not really surprised. Since R has been allowed to continue to see you without consequence he's allowed his behaviour to escalate to dangerous proportions. He knows that he still has some control over you and he's going to desperate measures to keep that control, and you are putting yourself at risk if you see him again. Guys like this get REALLY scary when they feel they are losing their hold on you...

 

I hope that you now will have the strength to tell him it's really over and see your lawyer ASAP. I can almost gaurantee with his record and drug use and the way he treats his daughter (and the fact that he likely won't pay child support) is going to lose him any custody rights- and I think he knows that too- another reason he's manipulating you with fear to try and keep you around.

 

Don't let him keep control of the situation anymore! Don't put yourself in this type of situation. Girl- get away from him and stay away. Get a restraining order if you have to- the only criteria is that you feel afraid for your safety. This needs to end before he ends up hurting you.

 

Remember what happened to Lori Hackinig and Laci Peterson....

[southerngirl]

My vote is still for you to leave.

 

Dont go around him.

 

Dont talk to him.

 

He is abusive. Scary, but he seems to act similar to my oldest sons father.

 

As I told you in pm, when he realised that it was really over? Thats when he beat me badly.... he held me against my will too.

[Hope75]

 

He is abusive. Scary, but he seems to act similar to my oldest sons father.

 

As I told you in pm, when he realised that it was really over? Thats when he beat me badly.... he held me against my will too.

 

This is what I am afraid of too. Right now he's been able to keep you under control and get what he wants to hear from you just be being threatening and verbally abusive. But he's been known to assault someone in the past for nothing more than a traffic incident. He's dangerous and unpredictable, even more so with the meth use and his known temper. You are seriously playing with fire if you go around him again. I fear for you and your baby's safety.

[Dilly]

Concur with the above. I suspect you still love him, but he smiles when he puts you down because even he can't believe he stil has control over you. He knows he's f'd up and beyond repair and the only thing holding you back from leaving is fear - of him finding someone new, of being alone in pregnancy and motherhood, of losing your precious child, of not meeting someone else. He is playing those fears to his advantage and now that he figures you're onto his game, he's ready to get sweet and you've seen that card played before, too. YOU NEED YOUR DISTANCE, REGARDLESS. You don't even trust yourself now. That's when you know you need to get away from people, advice, and just rock steady and figure it out. He's going through alot, too, sure - and he'll play that card to it's full extent, but you know you have got to get out of this rut SOMEHOW and SOMEWAY and since he's pretty worthless as a member of society, a father, a lover, and a friend, evaluate him for what he offers you, nothing but pain and comfort in this game of quasi-committment. You're interested in the routine and you don't want to muck that up - but change only really happens when something vital is withdrawn from an environment - YOU.

 

Take an ecosystem like the desert which may have once been a lush countriside. Take the water away and you have cacti that adapt to the conditions and thereby modify their lifeline. Take the seasons - you stay in shorts when you go skiing and you're going to possibly end up with a crippling case of frostbite. You gotta adapt to the changes and he isn't! You are!

 

Keep up the good work. He's not a vital part of your ecosystem. You're just addicted to him right now. I think it will take a while to break the addiction, but you will and only then, if you are vital part of his world, will he adapt either in favor of being a good dad or not.